Me and my big mouth

Oh man it's been one of those days. Early on I realised I'd put my foot in it with someone and spent the rest of the day feeling really stupid and useless. Then in the evening I was at a meeting where I spoke up about inclusion and again felt really out of step with the feeling in the room. As a result I'm now thinking of ways to avoid seeing or talking to anyone for the forseeable future. This space is - of course - exempt from that.

Talking is what I do. I always have. For 4 years I travelled around the country doing public speaking to Rotary, schools, churches and any other group that would turn up to listen to me. I've trained people and hosted meetings and conferences and I produce and present a radio show. It's fair to say that my voice gets used a lot. However, I don't always think before I pipe up my deepest thoughts and on occasion this has led to me feeling daft and seeing a people look baffled by what I've said. At one point I started to do stand up and when audiences actually laughed I was so embarrassed I'd talk over the laugh so they would miss what I was saying. I wasn't a natural.

Speaking has been my job, it's been my hobby and now it's pretty much all I do. Admittedly the sentences I use are shorter and more commands than conversational, but as the boys grow older I can see that our interactions are becoming less one-sided. I hope that at some point we can even talk to each other like human beings rather than me repeating, "get your book bag," "I said put your shoes on," "Where are your socks ?"

A fair amount of my professional life has been spent in campaigning roles. I have made the case for supporting charities, for equality and diversity and worked to improve the lives of children in institutions overseas. This has made my tone expressive and at times confrontational. The only problem is that when I make a stand I get all wobbly inside and after I've spoken I feel sick and embarrassed for speaking up. It always worries me that I've said too much or made a mistake. I undermine my own efforts by feeling bad for making a stand about something. Others will say, "you were spot on," but all I can think is, "But, did I sound like a screeching harpie ?"

Today I've been called out for expressing how I feel and I've challenged a situation that really is not right. In both cases I am left feeling sick inside. This is why I am not cut out for a career in politics. I just wouldn't be able to face the criticism (real or imagined) and I'd struggle to hold back when something really bothered me. I would appear to be trivialising serious issues when I make light of things - as is my habit. Every now and again I make a decision to pipe down and not to draw attention to myself. This is one of those times.

Play it again sam...

I need some music this week. Some uplifting joyful music. There has been so much in the media to be angry about and frankly I just want to turn up the sound and forget everything else. If you are feeling this too, join me for a little self-indulgent musical interlude if you will: 

This is ridiculous, but I love it. No, not even sorry. 

TLC were epic, this song is a proper hanging out with your girlfriends and singing it loud choon:

This one is just so cool I love it:  

This one is pretty self explanatory: 

 Finally, one I have been playing a lot since I've been back on the radio again: 

Business as usual again soon - I promise. I just need this right now. 

Without tea I am nothing...

You know how at the end of Open All Hours Ronnie Barker would always stand in the street outside his shop and remark, "It's been a funny day." ? Well that's the voice in which I'd like you to imagine the following, "It's been a funny week."

A boy, a dog, a cat - the cutest morning scene

The cat was our first baby. I mean that most sincerely (Hughie Green voice). He was the one who we adopted from Battersea Dogs and Cats home aged 6.5 and we were told he might only have 6 months to live as he had a heart murmur. He's been with us for a lot longer than that and he's very much in charge of the house. So when Brown Bear was born Neo gave him a wide berth. He pretended he wasn't really that keen on him, but would often go into the bedroom to look to see if the baby was sleeping then he would settle down to sleep himself. As they grew used to each other Neo trained Brown Bear to bring him cat biscuits and we knew that their love for each other was genuine when Neo started to sleep on Brown Bear's bed. Having got one small human up to scratch can you imagine how annoyed Neo was when another one came to live with us 15 months ago ? This one wasn't even a baby, but a walking toddler who would squeal with delight when he saw, "Ee-oh." The cat took evasive action and stayed away from the smallest human as much as he could. He has only recently decided Blue Bear is trainable too and likes him a lot now that the boy has learned to run to the food cupboard whenever Neo miaows loudly. So, this week I was delighted to walk in and find Blue Bear and Neo hanging out on our bed. It's the clearest sign that we're all a family now.

Croydon Airport - no really 

I was back on air this week with my radio show on Saturday - which I would usually say listen to online, but I totally forgot to record a podcast so it's lost for all time. Just as well actually as that time off has clearly melted my brain and I'm not sure I was that coherent. Anyway, we have moved to a new studio and it's based at Croydon Airport. Yes you read that right. Croydon used to be the main airport for London, but is now a hotel and offices. It's really cool going into the studio now and I park under this plane - which is open to visitors once a month. I have to take the boys to see it on an open day, they will love it I'm sure. 

Lovely tea 

Not just yet... 

In case you didn't already know I'm doing the H2Only challenge to raise funds for the RNLI. I am only drinking water for ten days and am halfway through today. I have to admit that the first two days were not great with massive headaches and pretty rotten moods. My love of tea is well known so this is a proper sacrifice for an amazing cause. We visited the RNLI station in Calshot during the summer holidays and my boys now love lifeboats. I admit I am really looking forward to my first cup of tea after this and I've even stocked the fridge with some mini wine bottles for a celebratory tipple too. If you'd like to help me reach my fundraising target that would be lovely thank you. https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/noteaforswazi

My first arrangement 

Teacup arrangement 

Having been at home for so long over the summer I decided I wanted to do something for myself and learn a new skill. The lovely Julie Davies runs an online flower arranging course for busy mums and it was right up my street. I love flowers, have no idea how to make them look pretty and can find so many things to add to arrangements from the garden. I've enjoyed making the arrangements for 'homework' and Julie provides really helpful videos showing how to prepare flowers, style arrangements and even the basics like how to soak flower foam. I know it sounds rivetting, but I'm loving it. The house is full of flowers right now, like a mini Kew Gardens.

Anyway, that's enough about me. How have you been ?

I'm obviously too cool for my scooter

In a vain attempt to look cool to my kids I chose to scooter to school with Brown Bear last week. It was all fine getting there and I even stopped for a cuppa with the other mums at the school cafe before scootering home for yoga class. However, as I slowed to a stop at the top of the very steep hill that we live on it all went into slow motion as I fell and managed to cause a pretty painful and bloody injury to my knee. As I hobbled back home carrying the scooter I shrugged off how bad it was and carried on with teaching. It was only afterwards that I checked and noticed how badly I had cut and scraped myself. Since then I've been recovering slowly - I think it's an age thing. This evening I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up in time for the final episode of The Good Wife with the cat asleep on top of me.

Enforced slowing down doesn't agree with me really. I prefer to be at full pelt the whole time so it's surprised me that doing so little can be this tiring. On the flip side I've also had time to stop and look around a bit more. Earlier in the week I spotted that a neighbour was having some trees cut down in their garden so I asked the guys doing the work if they could spare some of the logs they had cut. One of them kindly dropped off these for me and I'm looking forward to creating a fun play area in the garden for the boys. I have big plans for the garden which makes the current wet weather all the more frustrating.

My Fitbit doesn't know what is going on as a I'm struggling to reach my daily steps goal before bedtime and I usually hit the magic number by lunchtime. I was considering putting it on Neo this week, as he has four paws I thought I'd get more steps, but his level of activity is second only to a sloth at the moment. I'll be honest the main reason I exercise so much is because I don't want to be fat (that ship has sailed unfortunately), but the second reason is so that I can have treats and not feel too guilty. At the weekend we took Hubbie out for an afternoon tea for Father's Day. It was Brown Bear's first time and he absolutely loved the fresh scones. This bodes well for our holiday in Cornwall in a few weeks.

I'm off to Britmums Live this weekend and am looking forward to seeing blogging friends and enjoying wine, cakes and delicious food. I'm going to walk around a lot to try and get my steps up for the week. If you're going to be at Britmums please do come and say hello. I'm a greeter this year and can't wait. Before then I'll be recording a radio show with a lovely guy who's been on my show before a few times. It's a busy few days.

Do you remember when … ?

It's that time of year when all the programmes are a look back at the last year so I thought in the spirit of that I'd post a few random thoughts about what I can remember of the last 12 months. It's not in any order particularly and I may well leave out something pretty momentous purely as I've forgotten. So here is my year in headlines:

The Write Stuff: In terms of my blogger life I attended two conferences that taught me an amazing amount and where I met some lovely fellow bloggers who I have learned so much from. Special mention goes to Jennifer Jain who has given me some really great advice and help - you are a lovely lady :o)

Music is the food of love: The radio show I do with Hubbie has been great fun to work on and we're thinking of new themes all the time. It's great being able to share an interest that we have and to have something to show for it in the form of podcasts. We really do have great fun and hope to do more shows this year and grow the audience for both His & Hers and my show Are We Nearly There Yet ?

It's never too late: At the beginning of this year David Bowie created a media 'event' when he released a new single on the internet - followed by an album - without any fanfare or publicity. Most of the surprise was because it was assumed he'd semi -retired from music. I absolutely adore Bowie and thought it was a beautiful single. Just goes to show it's never too late to surprise people.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside: Closer to home this was the first summer that we have attended the Edge of the Sea two day festival in Brighton and left our son with his grandparents for the weekend. It took me a full day to get used to being without him, but I think I could cope with doing it again this year. I hope so as me and Hubbie have plans to go to more gigs in 2014 and even to take the little man to some family friendly festivals.

Thank you for the days: We took the plunge and decided our boy was ready for days out at theme parks this summer too. He loved Paultons Park - the home of Peppa Pig World - so much that we took him twice. Chessington was also a lovely day out that we were lucky to be invited to try as a family. I think Legoland might be on the cards next summer. 

Eye eye: In hypochondria corner I found my eyes going funny and thought I might be developing diabetes - I know, it's almost comical isn't it ? Finally I went to get my eyes tested and discovered I need varifocals. Hubbie stifled his hilarity and helpfully suggested we look at the Stannah range. Yes I did give him a hard - if myopic - stare. 

Don't believe the hype: Having avoided it for a long time I finally played Candy Crush and did indeed find it to be mildly addictive. I also tried to watch Breaking Bad and just couldn't get into it. I will try again, but if it hasn't gripped me so far it's not looking good. I became hooked on Mad Men and watched a whole series in two weeks on the train journey to work. After again trying to avoid it I gave in and watched one episode of Game of Thrones and that was it, I had to watch them all. My friend who is always ahead on telly trends was delighted as she can now talk to me about it and when I watch an episode I invariably send her a text message declaring, "That Joffrey needs a good kicking."

You're a big boy now: This was the year that not only did we manage to get the boy out of nappies, but also graduated from a cot to a big boy bed. I recall everyone telling me that the time passes really quickly when your children are young and it is so true. It seems only days ago that he was a newborn baby sleeping next to me and I carefully took away his blanket to find he was asleep on his front with his limbs all tucked under his body like a cat. It made me smile even in my new parent insomniac state.

Goodbye and farewell: Our lovely neighbour passed away after being ill for a few months. He'd been like another grandparent to our boy and as he grew weaker through illness our boy learned to be gentle and kind with this man who loved seeing our boy grow from a baby to a toddler. It was very sad even though it wasn't entirely unexpected.

In the public eye there were the deaths of two high profile political figures - Thatcher and Mandela. One who I despised with my very being and the other who had a bar at my uni named after him - which I know is hardly unique. I think it's enough to say I didn't know either of them, but the two events were big enough to warrant a mention here. 

Stop me if you've heard this one before: And in the dying embers of the year another singer whose name begins with B released an album online to the apparent surprise of everyone. Beyonce caused a stir with this supposed 'never before' phenomenon (oh how forgetful the media are) and the album has been a massive success.

So, it's now almost the end of 2013 and I've decided to start my resolutions early to give myself a fighting chance, but that's a whole other post for the start of 2014.

'tis the season to take the kids out

I know it's just about to be Christmas and you have plans up the yin yang with family, friends and assorted hangers on who you met on holiday and now have to send cards to. However, school holidays being as they are there will be a period between bank holidays and the children going back when they will be at home with you while you try and find another use for leftover turkey and keep telling yourself that you'll diet tomorrow - after all the chocolates are finished.

On my radio show the most popular topic is days out with kids and I am a keen advocate of cheap or free things to do as a family. Being one of 4 siblings we knew every place that you could go to for nothing and living in London made it even easier as we had all the parks, museums and various city farms to visit too.

Winter is no less fruitful for days out so here is my seasonal round up of my top things to do with kids (mostly in London - sorry, it's where I live so I know it best !)

Christmas lights: 

As kids we always went into central London to see the Christmas lights and my Dad would drive the car while we peered out of the windows and went 'Ooh' and 'Aah' at the amazing illuminations. In those heady pre-congestion charge days he also used to stop outside Selfridges, Harrods, Harvey Nicks, Dickens and Jones and Hamleys so we could get out and look at the Christmas window displays. I still love the windows and hope to take my son when he's old enough to enjoy them. We also go and see the local houses that have decorated their front gardens and windows with themed lights and inflatable snowmen and santas. My son loves it and it's all free !  Some of them do collect donations for children's charities - which has to be worth it to justify the electricity bill :)

Meet Father Christmas:

Now I know that grottos aren't strictly free, but I have found some really reasonable activities for kids. Kiddicare are doing a workshop with Santa's elves where you sing songs, make reindeer food and meet the big man and he gives the children a present. Our closest store did all this for £3 and I'm pretty sure the gift is worth more than that ! We both enjoyed this one very much and will definitely be doing it again if they do it next year.

Another one that was local to us was by the Beefeater that does a 'breakfast with Father Christmas' where adults pay for breakfast, kids eat free and Father Christmas goes around the tables to say hello to the children and they all get a small something (a pencil or bag of sweets). We've never been to this venue before so it was a nice treat to have a big Sunday brunch and our boy loved the breakfast buffet almost as much as meeting FC !! I think next year we will invite grandparents too as they might like it. 

Real reindeer: 

Where we live there are quite a few garden centres and some of them have real reindeer - and in one case Canadian huskies - visiting for the Christmas season. I took my boy to see some early in December and he was a little baffled - none of the reindeer had a red nose for a start. Visiting is free and I always check that they are animal welfare friendly before taking my boy as it's important to me. 

Woodland walk: 

On a rare sunny day last week I took the boy on a walk in our neighbourhood where we have woodlands and some great walking routes. He really loved it and I'm keen to do this with him more often as it's something we've not done much of in the past, but as he's older now and can walk further without getting tired it's great fun. While doing this one you can also look for ...

Pine cones, acorns, holly & berries:

Every year Hubbie prepares Christmas dinner and we go into the garden to pick holly and berries for a table centrepiece. We are lucky that we have it in our garden, but there is plenty of holly growing on bushes along the path that runs past our house. It is a bit tricky so you might need to take scissors and wear gloves, but it's lovely to have holly, acorns and pine cones that you have picked up yourself as decorations in the house. My rule is nothing muddy though - if it's not dry we don't pick it up !

If you want to hear more seasonal ideas for days out here are the links to my shows:

Are We Nearly There Yet ? Winter Wonderland

Are We Nearly There Yet ? Winter Fun

I'll be back with another post about fun winter things to do with kids the other side of Christmas :o) 

Seven Years Hitched

Dear Hubbie,

Yes I know it's a really bad play on words, but it wouldn't have made sense if I'd titled this post Some Like it Hot would it now ? (well maybe to some people, but you know I'm not about being cliquey). So today is our wedding anniversary - yes I know you've already fallen over in shock as I always mix up the date of our wedding with the date we went on honeymoon. It's an easy mistake though isn't it ?

Anyway, I digress. Seven years ago we were married in a civil ceremony at Chelsea Town Hall followed by a party with family and friends above a pub in Battersea. I know you know this, but I'm narrating for other readers so bear with me please. I wore a gold silk sari and you wore a very snazzy suit (as modelled by Bryan Ferry). We took photos on Battersea Bridge and I let the bath overrun in the lovely hotel in Paddington that we stayed in afterwards as we were too busy opening wedding cards from our lovely guests.

Since that day in 2006 a lot has changed, where we live, what we do, who we live with and much more besides. Here are seven of the highlights (one for each year - naturally):

1. When we bought our first house we spent months working on it and learned that when DIYing we have to be doing separate projects in order to preserve our sanity. I'm not joking when I tell people that we nearly got divorced putting down the kitchen flooring. It was worth it for the laughs over cheap pizza and Weatherspoons breakfasts though.

2. Going to Battersea Cats & Dogs home to choose Neo as our newest family member was brilliant. You made up your mind as soon as you opened the door to the cattery and he wandered up to you to say "hello." He was one of us from that day forth and it's thanks to you that he is.

3. When we were told that it was unlikely we'd have children we sat in the corridor of the hospital for what seemed hours crying and holding each other. It felt like the worst pain in the world and could have broken us. It didn't, it made us stronger. We're still here.

4. On your first visit to India my late Naniji was delighted at your shared love of cricket and I was amazed at how the two of you would sit watching TV together, communicating despite your lack of Punjabi and her limited English. She adored your love of trains too and when asked by my Mum she said, 'Of course he's one of us - he's Indian.' High praise indeed ! 

5. I'm glad that when we're on holiday we've always enjoyed spending all our time together - mostly thanks to your laid back approach if I'm honest. It was you who taught me that Rome will still be there even if we don't visit the Coliseum in the morning. Another hour in bed is fine, we are on holiday after all.

6. When our son was being born, things were going wrong and you were incredible. You had family calling you to ask what was going on and you had doctors telling you that you might lose your wife and son. That was a lot of stress all at once on the back of no sleep for more than a day. I had no idea, because to me you were a picture of calm and joy when our boy was delivered safe and perfect. 

7. Our son has your cheeky sense of humour and I love how he enjoys making people smile - just like Daddy. Eventually he will, no doubt, develop sarcasm too. He's hilarious and clever and looks like you. We did that :o) 

So that's my top seven. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been totally worth it. Being married is more than 'just a piece of paper' to us. We work at our relationship and sometimes we work harder than seems fair. Other times we laugh until I can't breathe and I have tears rolling down my face and you think that's even funnier than the thing that made me laugh in the first place. 

Happy Anniversary - I love you :o) 

Listen to His & Hers: The Seven Year (H)itch - our new show featuring songs we've chosen to celebrate our anniversary on Fri 25th Oct 9pm-10pm at www.croydonradio.com or as a podcast from Sat 26th Oct. 

Dancing in the car and other toddler adventures in music

We love radio in our house. Music radio, talk radio, commercial radio, internet radio you name it we will listen to it. I have the radio on almost all the time so my boy has grown up with an awareness that the Archers theme tune means it's time for bedtime milk and that the 6 o'clock news beeps mean that Daddy's train gets into the station in ten minutes. He also knows that both his parents can be heard on the radio and loves hearing Mummy say goodnight to him on the occasions when I've done a music show in the evening.

I've taken him to Rhymetime at local libraries since he was a babe in arms so he knows all the nursery rhymes and he also hears us singing silly made up songs at home. He copies the ones we've created and he's started to invent his own songs too. My brother once asked if his nephew was requesting to 'get down get down' from his highchair in the style of Kool and the Gang - Jungle Boogie and I had to admit yes he was. What can I say we sing where just talking would be boring.

So he's got music in his bones and surprisingly strong opinions about what he likes to listen to. When he's in the car with me I veer between Radio 4 and XFM (Hubbie listens to LBC and it just makes me yell so we have to agree to differ). I've been doing an unscientific study of his tastes in radio music these last few weeks and have compiled a shortlist of the ones that have made me laugh the most.

Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box: I am personally delighted that my boy loves Nirvana - not least as he has very cool hair and we used to dress him in grunge style. It's not exactly toddler music, but I love the band and it makes me so happy that when this song came on I asked him if he liked it and he said "Yes Mummy - make it louder" (high praise indeed) 

Whigfield - Saturday Night: Ok I'm horrified by this one, but I get that it's appealing to a child. I mistakenly went off piste during the extended news and thought I'd see what Radio 1 were playing and this is what was on. My boy insisted that he wanted to hear this to the end. Even me telling him that Daddy would be really disappointed by this choice did not persuade him otherwise. When Hubbie got in the car my boy said, "Daddy you don't like it, but it's my favourite." (it's not - he's only heard it the once !)

The Cure - Pictures of You: I only recently discovered that Hubbie doesn't like the Cure. It's been a revelation as I just assumed that you had to like them if you have any indie music sensibility whatsoever, but apparently not. My boy, however, does seem to have inherited my love of the Cure so that's ok. 

Matchbox Twenty - 3am: On a long car journey recently I plugged my ipod into the car and played some of my favourite random songs and when this one came on the boy began to swing from side to side in his car seat. Just to be sure he wasn't just putting off a much needed loo trip I played it again and sure enough he was enjoying the music. So he even likes obscure American bands. 

The Strokes - New York City Cops: This was on in the car when I parked up on our drive this afternoon as we got back from nursery. I turned the key and the music stopped along with the engine and I heard a plaintive cry from the backseat, "NOOO MUMMY !! Don't switch it off !!!" I had to turn the car back on and sit on our drive until it was finished and then I was allowed to bring him indoors. In a bizarre twist me and Hubbie saw the Strokes play a gig at the Natural History Museum before the boy was born - who knew it would turn out to be his perfect gig ? 

So this is what my boy would have on his playlist. I haven't played him any Prince songs yet because I can't take the risk that he might not like them and that really would destroy me. He did reject a Foo Fighters song on Sunday, but I'm putting that down to him being close to nap time and not in the mood for loud music. He did seem ok with Rage Against the Machine (heavily edited of course) so it's not like he is averse to noisy tunes. 

This does bode well for my plans to make next year that one where we take him to festivals. 

He seems to have discerning taste (Whigfield aside) and frankly that's more than I can say for a lot of grown ups I know ! 

Hear ye hear ye - read all about it (every day !!)

As well as hosting my own radio show on a Monday Hubbie and I present a music show jointly that goes out online every two weeks. We make time to pre-record shows based on themes that we've chosen and pick songs that we play in turns on a show called "His & Hers." 

The idea came about because we have different preferences in music style and it provides contrast and - we hope - interest for listeners to hear how we've interpreted the theme. In the past we've done shows about colours, numbers, movies and food. Today we recorded two shows about couples who are in bands either together or separately. You know, Abba who were married to each other or Sonny & Cher. Neither of these made the cut, but you can listen on Friday 21st June and find out who we chose.

It's almost as much fun to choose the theme and songs as it it doing the show. It's a fun challenge and harks back to our shared history and the interests we had before we were Mummy and Daddy. You see we met when we were both doing a journalism course and had aspirations to be writers for a living. While both of us do write a lot for our work neither of us does it as a job or is paid for writing. Of course, that's the reason I have this blog.

So with that in mind I'm challenging myself to write a post every day. The logic being that by writing every day I'm closer to getting into the discipline of being a writer.

A health warning for you though dear reader, the posts may well be shorter than usual (which may be no bad thing).

So let's see how it goes shall we ?

I'm a Mum slash Blogger slash DJ slash ...

Do you remember that bit in the movie Zoolander where Derek has just lost the award for Male Model of the year to Hansel ? He looks into a puddle in the street and asks his (really, really, really, really, ridiculously good looking) reflection "who am I ?" then he goes back to his hometown to become a miner.

Well, I had a Zoolander moment today - except for the really, really, really, really, ridiculously good looking part and the being a miner part - I stopped for a moment and asked myself 'Who am I ?" I have to conclude that I'm a bit like Derek in my confusion right now.

First thing this morning I was outraged as I thought someone had tried to pinch my interview with Mark Thomas for my radio show - it was a misunderstanding, but for a little while I was Mrs Angry

When I dropped off my boy at nursery one of the staff was overjoyed that I'd brought her the new Avon book - she is a big fan - so at this point I was the Avon Lady

On the train to work I called my parents to sort our the logistics of the boy and Hubbie visiting them without me later in the week. My Dad got all confused when I said I wasn't going and asked "How will the boy get here on his own ?" I said, "He'll take the bus of course" - this was me as the Joker

As usual I was first into the office and I was firing on all cylinders from the minute I walked in, replying to email, phone calls, popping the kettle on and even found time to visit the venue for tomorrow evening's event. Yep it's  Me the Multi-tasker

I rediscovered an old uni friend on Twitter who said that my being a DJ bestowed coolness on me which I don't think I deserve really. Even so I'm fairly sure I can claim my status as Radio Presenter 

I went to pick up my boy at nursery and as I walked through the gate I heard him being told off - I then had to have the conversation with a staff member who told me that he's been pushing and hitting other children today. I was Mortified Mummy

Hubbie and the boy were not getting along during bathtime and bedtime and there was a lot of shouting going on. I spoke to both of them separately to explain that they needed to be more patient with each other and to make up by being nice and kind from now on. I'm the Peacekeeper

Finally dragged myself to my exercise class for the last of a 6 week course of high impact interval training. At the start I thought I was going to fall asleep, I was so tired, but by the end I was exhilarated and good tired. I think that makes me a Loony in Lycra

So my conclusion at the end of all this self-reflection is about as profound as Derek Zoolander really. I'm a lot of different people in one day. It's just that today I've been a few more than most.

Oh, and I almost forgot, the one that you know me as most of all - Blogger 

No wonder I'm so tired all the time !

The evening I spent with Jay Rayner: and he didn't even buy dinner !

At the end of last year I made a promise to myself to make a go of writing - not in a 'this is the year I get my novel finished / published' way more in a 'am I actually any good at this ?' kind of way. I was feeling a bit under-employed what with not being a 'mumpreneur' and thought I needed to be doing something useful. It was in this vein that I asked for a ticket to a Guardian masterclass with Jay Rayner as a present for Christmas. Now if you don't know Jay he writes restaurant reviews for the Guardian and Observer and is on Radio and TV and is the son of the much loved national treasure Claire Rayner.

As the genius and global icon that is Rayner strode into the room the air vibrated with the sound of quivering loins. Ok he told me to say that - yes really he did. Jay actually opened the class with a reference to those who had tweeted saying that they'd been given him for Christmas and how it was a sign of dark humour in the relationship. I slunk down in my chair as I was one of them, but I can also vouch for dark humour in a marriage being no bad thing.

So to the skill of writing. We all think that because we like to eat out that we could be a restaurant reviewer. This is like saying, because I make dinner most evenings I should be a chef and open a restaurant. As Jay pointed out food reviewing is not about putting bums on seats for restauranteurs, it's about selling newspapers or magazines. For that reason what you know about food or restaurants is of little importance, but being able to write well is vital. Otherwise we're all just (insert name of mindless reality show here) contestants who want to 'be famous' without specifying what for exactly.

We did a writing exercise where we tried to compose the opening lines to a piece of writing. It was deceptively difficult. Maybe that was the glass of wine I slugged back in the break though - Mum's night off and I wasn't driving so why the hell not ? I would recommend a Guardian Masterclass if they do them again. It wasn't expensive, they provided wine and it was at the very fancy Guardian offices near King's Cross. There was some homework before the night, but it proved very helpful as we dissected some articles Jay had written and he explained how they were constructed. He's an engaging speaker and I had no idea how diverse the range of his writing was. I was far too sheepish to stay for drinks afterwards, but I did say thanks as I shuffled off to get my train.

I have been hard on myself for 20 years for not being able to fund a postgraduate course in Broadcast Journalism that I had a place on. I told myself that was the reason I wasn't able to break into my dream career. Jay, however, made a valid point that rather than having a qualification in the process of journalism the main requirement is to know 'stuff' (he was more eloquent than that though). Having subject knowledge and being able to write about is more important than knowing the history and mechanics of writing or the media. Experience will eventually give you this information anyway. This one comment was a bigger kindness than Jay could have known. I now understand that what has stopped me from making a career in journalism isn't a lack of training, it's me.

So, instead of dismissing my radio show as a 'hobby' or my writing as 'nothing' I'm going to be more positive about what I can do. You know like when people say 'dress for the job you want' or 'act happy to become happy.' So from now on I'll be wearing big dark glasses and a massive fake fur coat and am auditioning for an entourage to follow me around and make me look like 'someone.'

Please form an orderly queue.

Resolutions Schmesolutions :o)

If you'd told me at the start of this year that at the end of it I'd have a weekly radio show of my own I'd have looked at you sideways and smiled kindly. I'd also have been amazed if you'd told me that the most toxic female journalist of modern times would refer to this blog in a column following the fab Mumsnet blogfest event.

So it's with this in mind that I am starting 2013 in a novel way. I won't be detoxing or giving up anything on Jan 1st. Not because I have a perfect life or I am as good as I think I can be, but because I'm coming at this resolutions thing from a different perspective for a change. Instead of stopping doing something I'm going to concentrate on doing more of things I want to do better. By doing that I hope that I will spend less energy and time on the things that I don't need or want.

So, in no particular order:

I am going to make time to read. I was given so many great books for Christmas and I still haven't read the ones I got last year. I'm sure it's possible for me to make time in my day to read a little bit - although this might mean watching less Hawaii 5-0.

I'll be trying new sporting activities that I haven't done before. I've been doing the same exercise classes for almost 4 years now and while they are fun it's a routine for me and I attend because I feel guilty if I don't. That's not a good reason. I used to play softball and scuba dive and ski -  what happened to that action chick ? Oh yes I am a middle-aged Mum now, but that's no excuse is it ?

At least once a month I will go to the cinema and watch a movie - this may entail finding a movie buddie or I could go along on an afternoon when my boy is at nursery. This is all thanks to Hubbie being super generous and getting Sky movies so I can see films at home, but let's be honest sitting in a dark room at home isn't the same if you haven't overpaid for the popcorn.

I'm going to cook at least one recipe from each cookbook I own - and no, not just the baking ones !! Kind people have given me some great books full of recipes which I look at and go "ooh aah," but I haven't actually followed any of them yet.  My aim is to make a seasonal Slater stew, some gorgeous Gok gyoza and anything from the achingly beautiful Lilli Vanilli baking book I won from a fellow blogger. I hope to find some interesting new meals and to use ingredients I haven't tried to cook with before. I will, of course, share how this goes with you for good or ill (preferably not getting ill !)

I'm sure I'll think of other things as time goes on, but these are a pretty manageable start I think. They are already better than my original list which was:

To be able to afford to use Aveda shampoo and conditioner

To have someone to do my hair for me at home

Have a personal trainer to get my backside to exercise when I want to sit on the sofa watching Hawaii 5-0
The beloved Kitchenaid mixer which I really want to own, but I can't justify the cost of 

To be able to travel first class - anywhere

I realised that all of these were materialistic and made me sound like I want to be Madonna - which I used to when she was all cool and wore rubber bangles and lace in her hair, but not so much now.

Thanks for reading my blog and for listening to my show. If you haven't yet tune in at 1pm today or you can podcast it later.

Hope 2012 was good to you and here's to not turning into Madonna in 2013 :o)

I'll be there for you (even if you're not there for me)

Apparently Sunday evening at 6pm is when we get that 'school tomorrow' feeling which transports us back to childhood and the doom laden realisation that the weekend is now over. I offer this as an explanation for the 'misery memoir' tone of this post as I began writing it at 6 this evening. I've been pondering the things that disappoint me in life - initially this was prompted by a few instances of food related disappointments:

1. The bottle of water I bought from Boots that smelled and tasted like sewage - I found this out as I took a swig of it during my Zumba class <retch>

2. As I finished tucking into a delicious dish at a ball in a posh golf club I found the bar code sticker that had been left on the stuffed aubergine I'd just been eating.

3. The middle of my pizza fell through the shelf onto the floor of the oven. I was left with half a pizza -  presumably that is why it's advertised as low fat ?

4. I opened a pouch of toddler food to give my son only to find it was mouldy. However, Ella's Kitchen sent me a freepost envelope to return it to them and responded very quickly. All in all great customer service.

Then there are the emotional matters that cause more of a deep rooted upset than these pretty minor irks.

Years ago my Mother told me that I do too much for my friends and when they don't reciprocate I get hurt. Of course she knows me better than anyone and has watched me people please my entire life and get walked over or ignored instead of acknowledged or appreciated. I'm still learning who deserves the time and effort and have realised that in life we have friends we do for and friends who do for us. A friend who is in both categories is a rare find and I'm very blessed to have a few of those too - they're precious and I hope they know who they are (they tell me they read this and that's one of the reasons I love them so).

One of the things that concerns me is when people I think I know and actually like share photos or updates on Facebook that are offensive. In the last week I've had shared with me two posts that are racist, uninformed or just plain wrong. How these people can agree with those views and be friends of mine just baffles me.

Then there are the friends who disappear. When my son was born I met some other first time mums who I became close to and we met up and our children became quite good friends. Then they both fell pregnant again and I didn't so they stopped being friends with me. I'm making a causal link here, but in the absence of an explanation that's all I can do. It hurt and I was upset, but let's face it, if all we had in common was our children then we weren't really friends were we ?

Then the cause of this post in the first place. I was up early and out all day helping someone who has never yet thanked me for a single thing. I always think I'm just being petty for wanting to be thanked, but being actively rude to me when I try to help and making a point of effusing over everyone else and ignoring my contribution is a step too far.

This is also one of two people I've had as guests on my radio show who have shown little to no interest in what I've tried to do to help them. I present a radio show on which I invite guests to talk about their work and to help them promote their local businesses. Most guests are very positive and kind about being invited on and make an effort to get their friends and family to listen as well as using the appearance to build their profile.

I have invited onto my show some folks who I know quite well who have behaved as though they are doing me a favour by being on. One of them completely ignored my questions and just delivered a monologue, therefore missing the entire point of it being an interview. I have also asked them to help me promote my show and blog and they haven't been willing to do it, so clearly this is a one way street in which I mistakenly think we're friends and we're not really.

I'm having a bit of an audit of people who are worth the effort and those who aren't and I'm not sure they will make the cut. Not that they'll notice of course. In case you are wondering why I'm sharing here, I am safe in the knowledge that neither of them read this blog.

Thank you for reading though, you're lovely. Will you be my friend ? :o) 

Garbage Panda Rocks !!

As I type Hubbie is in the kitchen listening to the radio which usually veers only a few steps from Radio 4 to BBC London. It is currently on a station called Garbage Panda which has to be the best name for a music station - or indeed anything - that I have heard in a long time. My attention was drawn by the music being played which really caught my ear and apparently it's remit is rockabilly and an assortment of other sounds.

They're not the usual tunes we play at home (with Hubbie being a Fall fan and my adoration of Prince we don't often play music together anyway), but music is an enormous part of our lives. Hubbie plays guitar and I've been known to dabble in drums, saxaphone and tenor recorder over the years. We've been singing to our son since before he was born so he enjoys music - most little ones do as far as I can tell - and he does love to bop around.

Music is so intrinsic to my life that I cannot imagine anyone not being interested in it or having a passion for certain songs or tunes. I met a man once who told me he really wasn't into music and I was floored. I had assumed (wrongly) that being from Ireland he'd have grown up surrounded by music and therefore would love it, but no he had no favourite music or interest in it at all.

My parents playing Indian music and my Mum singing when she thought no one was listening still form the most potent of my childhood memories. There are songs from films that are evocative of a particular time and place and the haunting soundtrack of Pakeeza makes me shudder as I recall my Dad telling me the beautiful lead actress died during the filming so a lot of the shots are of her body double.

When I hear the Wannadies You and Me Song I think of my wedding day and our first dance. It wasn't a great choice to dance to wearing a sari, but still it made us happy and no one was really paying any attention to us mucking around up on the makeshift stage anyway.

The opening bars of the Smiths How Soon is Now remind me of Digbeth Institute in Birmingham. Ok, bear with me on this. When I was at uni me and Neil went to see Jesus Jones and they were supported by Soho - twins whose only hit song (Hippychick) began with those very opening bars. They sort of disappeared pretty soon after that (as did Jesus Jones to be honest).

It's also where we saw Killing Joke - possibly my favourite band of all time. Their song Love Like Blood actually makes me tingle when I hear it. It's a powerful and resounding anthem from a highly political band. I was so pleased to get a ticket to see them a few years ago so when the gig was rescheduled for two weeks after my son was born I was gutted to miss seeing them again.

I could go on about politics and music (not in a Red Wedge sense you understand) but I will just mention the La's There She Goes which was played in the Student Union at my Uni the day Margaret Thatcher resigned. Even now I associate that song with a happy, happy day and the sense of humour of whoever the DJ was that night.

So as you can see music is not only the food of love, it's the food of life. Sometimes a bit rich and overwhelming, sometimes basic and just enough. Always emotive and always essential.

My mother's daughter

As I was half listening to Radio 4 yesterday I heard that a report had found that mothers who work are less likely to become depressed than women who stay at home with their children. One of the women commenting on this report stated that she would be bored senseless if she stayed at home with nothing to do but look after children and going to work gave her purpose and meaning in life.

Having been at home for over a year looking after my boy I noticed that recently I had become resentful of not having any time to myself in a day and waited with impatience for Hubbie to get home so that I could go and do something other than be with my beloved offspring. I was a seething mass of unexplained anger and found that being by myself with my son was appealing for only so many hours of the day. I don't know many people in the area where we live and the ones I do have mostly returned to work or are pregnant again so I don't even see them much. The weekly routine of playgroups and activities gets us both out of the house and I make sure that we do something constructive every day even if it's just a walk to the park. Coupled with an insane paranoia about leaving the house because of a spate of burglaries in our local area I've become a bit reluctant to go too far or out for too long. This is no way to live I was aware that if I didn't pull myself together I was going to become agoraphobic.

I finally opened up about this to a few friends and they concluded that I needed to go back to work as I was bored and underachieving at home. So in the last month I have returned to working a few days a week at a job that is not far from home. I was absolutely miserable for the first few weeks. I missed my son terribly and couldn't bear being in an office on my own for a whole day with only the scale filled kettle in the finance office to lure me out for the occasional cup of tea. It was, however, lovely to come home to hear all about what my boy had been doing and to see his smiling face and acknowledge that he hadn't been irreparably harmed by me not being there to tend to his every whim.

I'm still not entirely sure that this is the dream job for me, but I do know that when my son waves me off in the morning he's in good hands all day. I enjoy going for a walk at lunchtime and I like using my brain for something other than planning meals for my family and deciding if the bookcase should stay where it is or be moved a few feet to the left. Ok so I don't get to bake as much - which is completely overrated as a pastime by the way - and I'm sure the cat will lose some weight without me giving in to his plaintive cries for biscuits every time I go anywhere near the kitchen.

My Mum worked full time most of my life and didn't have a choice about it. She still cooked a meal for us every evening and managed the household budget as well as ensuring we were all doing well at school. In my mind that is the gold standard of what I should be aiming for and anything less is just me being lazy or not trying hard enough.

Trying to be a yummy mummy is pretty demoralising stuff. From comparing how much slimmer every other mum appears to be, to feeling guilty for sitting on the sofa watching mindless telly while the baby naps it all adds up to not being the woman who "has it all." Which brings us back to where I came in and the Radio 4 piece about the myth of women wanting it all when actually we just want to not be bored or depressed or taken for granted. Being pregnant again would be a pretty sweet bonus too if anyone is asking :o) 

My fair lady ( Oh wouldn't it be luvverly ?)

In the last two days I've been following two news stories that show how important we feel it is to be fair. In the case of an LA fitness gym insisting on a couple paying their 2 year membership despite them being close to destitute there was outrage on Twitter. In the end for fear of further opprobrium the gym chain climbed down and waived the contractual arrangement. Cue hand wringing and wailing and gnashing of teeth over how hideous the contracts are when we all know that it's people paying up front and not using the gym that renders profit and enables people like me to have so many free trial sessions.

The other story being played out today on local news radio is that babies will need paid for tickets to attend Olympic events. The last I heard they were reconsidering this as various Mummy websites and even the (mostly useless) equality and human rights commission suggested there might be a case for claiming sex discrimination if a mother taking a child to the games was required to pay for that child. I bought tickets to some events and at the time had no idea I was also expected to buy tickets for my son. There is no question of him not coming with us. How can I not take him to a once in a lifetime event taking place in his own home town ?  Mumsnet and Netmums - for all the pointless meandering tub thumping about mini dramas that affect their precious little Avi-Mays and Ocean-Blues - do stand up for the things that they believe to be fair.

My own issue with fairness is one that causes people to look away muttering in almost complete disgust. I am the person who does the unthinkable. I check the bill at the end of the meal and work out what everyone owes in order to be fair to all - it's not popular and it's completely unEnglish. I have a strong opinion about why it is important to do this and there are two meals in particular that have caused me to become the human calculator and social pariah.

Firstly when I was a student I didn't have a lot of money, but I did work during holidays and even during term time to finance my way through my degree studies. I still met up with friends who I had worked with in my Saturday job at a library and at one particular Christmas meal I ordered one course - the cheapest dish - and one soft drink as I knew I didn't have the means to splash out. The senior librarians ordered massive sharing starters, expensive main courses and puddings, wine and coffees. When the bill came they split it 5 ways and I didn't want to make a fuss so I ended up subsidising their meals by paying well over the £10 that my meal had actually cost.

The second time was when a friend chose a reasonably priced venue for his 30th birthday which was offering a three course menu for £16. Me and hubbie went along and the other diners had already been drinking before we arrived. They had ordered champagne for the birthday boy (very generous we thought) and they also thought it would be a wheeze to order him some shots - after all you only turn 30 once don't you ? When the bill came it was carved up and we were told we owed £45. I questioned how this was so when I hadn't had any alcohol and hubbie had one beer and our food was only £16. A recalculation was done and we were still ordered to part with £30 each. That means my cup of tea and hubbie's beer cost £14 each.

I vowed from then on to not be taken advantage of again when other 'friends' decide to be generous with my money.

This was tested when I was on a skiing holiday with some friends in Whistler and we went out for dinner with a couple we didn't know very well, but who seemed nice enough. He wanted to order a particular bottle of red wine and we said that was fine, but we didn't want any. When the bottle came he insisted we try it which we politely did. So when he divided the bill up for us all to pay I said that wasn't fair as one of us had only eaten soup and the others hadn't ordered the wine. We paid for what we had eaten and included a tip. The correct money in the dish we all got ready to leave and he again asked us for money for a tip which we explained to him we'd already included. He had expected us to subsidise his choice of wine and we were pretty clear that wasn't going to happen.

I don't think twice about challenging bill payments now as I think I'm old enough not to care if someone is offended by me saying I'll only pay what I owe. We're all on a budget these days so if you want to splash out pay for yourself - it's only fair.

Fairness is a simple concept and one that in principle we all agree with. It's just that some people think it's only fair to take advantage of others. It's a small stand to say no I won't pay for your dinner, or your extravagance in wine or cocktails, but it's a start.

Oh and I'm taking my son to the Olympic games whatever Seb Coe says - and so there !

lip-smacking, gnocchi-making, cheerleading, hubbieman :o)

So I was watching Ocean's Eleven the other evening and while I drooled watching Brad and George it occurred to me that I have very pedestrian taste in the men I lust after from afar. It isn't like I'm the only one to have noticed that William Bradley Pitt is a good looking chap so I console myself with the knowledge that I noticed him first.

It was while watching Thelma and Louise at university (as an example of feminism in film) that my least feminist thoughts came to me about the character of JD. It's mainly that thing he does when he licks his lips - which any girl who has read romantic fiction will tell you is what the hero does right before he kisses you passionately.

Similarly I remember George - before he was considered gorgeous - as Booker in Roseanne, a wholly unlikeable character who dated Roseanne's sister Jackie and was written out fairly early on. I recall thinking he was yummy, but feeling bad about it as he was such a git. So imagine my feeling of joy when years later he reappeared as a doctor in ER and it was ok to fancy him again ! Of course the real appeal of George isn't his twinkly look, it is his complete refusal to settle down. Remember how Warren Beattie was the sexiest man alive and considered untameable, so when he finally did marry Annette Bening his sex appeal vanished. George is far too savvy to risk it, so it gives all of us hope that we might get a go. Well, if Mariella Frostrup and Lisa Snowdon can go out with him then I'm pretty sure we're all in with a chance.

In reality neither of them would be quite considerate enough for me which is why I'm with my hubbie. Ok, it's not the only reason, it's not like I weighed up the odds of ending up with either George or Brad and decided that hubbie was a better bet. He did the leg work and continues to put up with the insanity that is my approach to life. Whether it's the ever changing house rules, "I never use the stripey glass for water." "Can I have some water in the stripey glass please ? Of course it's ok, it's a glass isn't it ?" or my inability to read instructions that come with anything, he is the most patient of human beings.

At the time I met my hubbie I'd been online dating for a while and had met the usual array of weirdos, loonies and men who suddenly realise they are alone and all their friends are paired off so they had better meet someone pretty soon. (Don't worry they say equally lovely things about the women they met). My expectations were low and I was just grateful to meet an intelligent man who didn't mind being beaten by a woman in a debate. When we actually started to go out with each other (I can't say dating, it sounds too american and formal for the carnival of drinking and eating our way round London that was our early courtship) I realised that maybe I didn't have unattainable standards, I'd just been going out with completely the wrong people. We went to an italian restaurant one evening and I fancied gnocchi which I was told they didn't have, so I changed my order. A week later when we were having dinner at his place he cooked me gnocchi and I told him that it was my favourite pasta. Later he confessed that he made it because I'd been disappointed at the restaurant and he wanted to make me happy. Seriously, how often does someone tell you they want to make you happy ?

Now, having been married for five years he has gone from hanging on my every utterance to selective deafness (which happens in all marriages I'm told) and as we live together the element of surprise is pretty non-existent. So you can imagine my delight when I received an unexpected early Christmas present on Saturday. I'd just been on Radio London telling Robert Elms that my dream would be to learn to fly and hubbie and baby were in the other room cheering me along. When the item finished hubbie went upstairs to get something and came back and presented me with the gift of a flying lesson. Apparently when we were out exploring a few weeks back and managed to end up at Biggin Hill I mentioned that I'd love to have a go at flying and he had remembered.

So you see Brad and George, while you are wealthy and famous and good looking and have a special place in my heart, it will always be just below the place reserved for hubbie.