Refilling the empty cup

A one year old sat on the dining table shovelling fistfuls of cake into her mouth and searching for any leftovers on other plates. Unconventional I grant you, but in the context of visiting my parents in grandparent mode it is perfectly normal. Yesterday Blue Bear turned into a 6 year old. I had planned to visit my family so the boys could spend the day with their cousins and have a mini party for Blue. However he was not himself at all and was unwell most of the day. He barely ate anything and was tired and pale. I asked if he still wanted to go and he said he did, so off we went with a tired and sleepy Blue Bear and Brown Bear negotiating screen time with his distracted mother.

When it came to party time I hadn't had time to get the dinosaur cake that Blue had requested and he was disappointed. However, nothing is impossible in my family and within minutes we had the best dinosaur cake you have ever seen. It was a team effort and he was absolutely delighted with it. In Nani's house dreams do come true. What can I tell you - my parents love being surrounded by kids and noise and the mess that entails doesn't phase them. Yesterday as I looked around I saw my niece happily seated on the table and my boy with his mini Jurassic Park. The expression on my Mum's face with all her kids and grandkids there was pure joy and I felt so incredibly lucky.

Jurassic Cake 

We've spent a lot more time with my family in the last year as our home life has changed. It gives me a chance to get a little break as the boys play with cousins and get fed and spoiled. Yesterday I wasn't allowed to leave my boy's side as he was feeling so poorly, but I still got to eat something delicious and  rest for a little while. Both things that have been difficult to achieve since I've been parenting alone. In the last few weeks I had a complete shutdown as my body finally gave in to the stress and exhaustion that has been piling on for months now. Well, probably the last two years if I'm being accurate. It's been a relentless conveyor belt on which as well as the traditional cuddly toy there has been a grief, loss, stress and worry. It's hardly surprising that at some point it would be overwhelming. 

Earlier this week I met a friend who I haven't seen in a while. She lives in New York, is in London at the moment and kindly made time to see me for a catch up. She listened patiently as I explained what has been happening and how events unfolded earlier this year. As I got tearful she reached across and held my hand. Even after all this time I can't talk about what's happened without crying. I apologised for talking too much, she said, "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."  We talked about my boys and she recalled when I told her I was expecting Brown Bear. I was 37 weeks pregnant at her wedding. A few months ago her husband was in London. It was during the rugby World Cup and we met up in a pub in Twickenham then went for a curry and just had a sweary, quippy, fun evening together. It was the first time this year that I felt like my old self. I am so thankful to have them both in my life and that they care enough to make time for me and that when we meet it's like no time has passed 

Christmas in flowers. 

I received a beautiful Christmas bouquet this week - absolutely gorgeous and unexpected. It's from a lovely friend who lives in Australia and when she was in the UK for two weeks earlier in the year she invited me and the boys over to her parents' home in Surrey. The boys pottered around the allotment and played cricket in the garden with her husband while I talked to her. She listened to me, hugged me and it was just wonderful to spend time with her while my kids laughed and played. At one point I looked over at my sons laughing wildly as one was held upside down by the ankle and the other one was being chased with a cricket bat round the garden. My friend knew that I needed her and made time for me and found a way to do it that ensured the boys would be busy and happy while we caught up. Both bears now want to visit them in Australia so I've got to save up for a while to make that happen. Having friends like this is such a blessing in my life and I am so grateful. 

Of course I have equally wonderful friends in this country too. My friend who will pop over to bring things down from the loft for me and who helped manage my boys' expectations when they decided they wanted to take 4 kittens home from Foal Farm in the summer. The friends who are there for me at all hours when I am having a terrible day or feeling fear or sadness that is overwhelming. The friend who was on the other end of the phone while the worst events of this year were unfolding. She has been a constant and firm reminder that whatever comes I have it in me to get through it. I have such amazing people in my life who reassure me that whatever happens I am not alone. They are the gifts in my life that I don't know what I did to deserve.

Who is this mysterious woman ? 

I've only just started to do things just for me. Up until now everything was for the boys and that has been exhausting and at times thankless. Being out of action for a week showed me that the saying, "you can't pour from an empty cup" is true. If I don't take care of myself I can't take care of them. I've been feeding myself properly instead of thinking, "it's only me why bother ?" Going for a walk every day and swimming as often as I can. Taking care of my appearance. Treating myself to a spa, or a gig or a show just for me. Spending time with people I love and who love me.

A cake covered in dinosaurs is a good start. Followed by a night out thanks to my lovely babysitter who stayed with my poorly boy and her mum who dropped me off at the golf club so I would get to wear my  gorgeous frock, have a boogie and just have a few hours 'off.' It was just what I needed.

Today it's the birthday party for my 6 year old. The sun is out and he's feeling so much better today. Mum and sons recharged and ready to go.

What are you doing for Christmas ?

I have been asked this question literally every day this week. Mostly by well meaning individuals and colleagues. I am baffled by it though. It is one day of the year. It's one meal and yet people go on a diet for it. They go into debt and seem to go loco about it. I just don't get it. I have had a cough for over a week and a few people have said. "oh you don't want to have that for Christmas." Really ? What difference will it make ?

Ok, to be clear I am not bah humbug about Christmas and I don't have any problem with it. I just don't get why it's such a big deal. Why people eat so much food, why they spend so much money, why this one day is so significant. I get it if you have a faith and it means something to you in that regard, but if it's a celebration of food and presents then that is just beyond me. It's not cultural. I grew up in England and my parents always celebrated Christmas. It wasn't the biggest day of the year for us though. 

In some ways I do envy people who have that whole excitement about it all. The family side of things, the social side, the dressing up, the presents, I do get that. Brown Bear was only 3 months old for his first Christmas and our house was filled floor to ceiling with presents for him. He had absolutely no idea. I dressed him up as Santa and we took him to visit my parents on Christmas Eve (my Dad's birthday) and then Hubbie's parents so they all got to see the baby for his first Christmas. 

Now I am a parent I do like to make a fuss of the boys and to get into the whole spirit of the thing. We go to see Santa, we have a roast dinner at home, we have presents. However, we don't fill the house with tangerines, bowls full of nuts or masses of sweets. I will confess I have three fruit cakes bought at the school Christmas fair, but that is because the TA who made them has form and her cakes are absolutely amazeballs. 

Don't get me wrong there is no deep-seated trauma or childhood memory behind my lack of enthusiasm for end of year festivities. It is all tied in with anxiety and depression that always reaches a peak around this time of year. I know I'm not alone in that. The enforced socialising and jollity is just too much to take for some of us. I'm not saying anyone else shouldn't have a good time. Just don't expect me to be as enthused. I can't do it. 

It is this expectation of plenty that makes me uncomfortable. This year we have donated toys, food, clothes and I also gave a bag filled with make up from my days as an Avon lady to a refuge that requested gift items for the women. People donate to the children in refuges, but seem to overlook the women. At a time when it seems that we are being pushed into spending money and eating too much I am painfully aware that there are people who are struggling to manage to basics. 

We have enough and for that I am so very grateful. I have made it to the end of this year a significantly different woman from who I was this time last year. So much has altered in my life and for people I care about. It isn't a time of celebration for me. It is a time of gratitude. I am thankful.   

I have friends who will be experiencing their first Christmas without a partner, a parent and in the case of my brother in law his first without either of his parents. In my family we will spend time together knowing that we are so very lucky to have each other. My gorgeous baby niece will have her first  Christmas and Blue Bear and Brown Bear will fuss over and spoil her rotten.

The other day I found a post I had written in December 2009 when we were childless and desperate to be parents. It was titled, "Christmas is for kids." I had no idea how prophetic that would prove to be. Less than a month later I found out I was pregnant and the following Christmas we had our much longed for baby son. The point is nothing is forever. It's just a moment in time and that will pass. I won't stop having anxiety or depression, but I won't feel this way forever either. 

If you struggle with Christmas please don't suffer alone. Here are some organisations that will be open to help if you need it: 

www.samaritans.org

www.mind.org.uk

www.rethink.org

Christmas fun for the family - part one

There are so many wonderful things to look forward to at Christmas. The food, the parties, avoiding Last Christmas so you are still in Whamageddon (I'm out as of last Friday thanks to Chris Evans !) and of course all the fantastic seasonal shows. My favourite thing has to be taking my family to watch a show that is fun, silly, entertaining and really puts everyone in the mood for Christmas. From all those years ago when I took my younger sisters to watch Christmas Cat and the Pudding Pirates - written and starring Christopher Lillicrap - at the Warwick Arts Centre I knew this was something special. The smile on my Mum's face as she clapped along with the songs and cheered at the good guys and booed at the baddies just made me light up inside. 

We have been fortunate to been to so many great shows over the years and the Snowman is a classic that I'm surprised not to have seen before. I'm pretty sure that Brown Bear saw it with the school when he was 4, but he was kind enough to come along again with his brother. We were invited to watch this production in its 21st year at the beautiful Peacock Theatre just off Kingsway in London. You will know the story of the Snowman I'm sure. The Raymond Briggs story has a timeless appeal and when it was on this afternoon I still burst into tears at the end - as I always do. 

The Snowman features all the familiar music and is a gentle and loving story for the youngest of children to the most jaded of adults (yes I am looking at you Hubbie). It would take the hardest of hearts to be unmoved by the scene where we see the snowman and boy fly together over the stage and when snow falls onto the audience there is an audible gasp. My children absolutely loved this show and I did too. It captures innocent childlike wonder and joy in the simplicity of a short lived friendship. Oh and there is a very special character you will know who they see at the North Pole too. 

If your children are a bit young for pantomime this will appeal as it's just the right length of show with an interval for ice cream (or comfort breaks) and there isn't dialogue to follow or jokes to understand. All in all the magic of Christmas is captured perfectly in The Snowman. 

Book tickets for the Snowman here

Pantomime is a specifically English phenomenon - so much so my son's Irish teacher had never seen one until last year and I was shocked. I love the silliness, the camp and the overall sauciness of pantomime and love to take my kids to see it. Last week I went to watch Cinderella at the Churchill Theatre in Bromley. The good fairy is played by Lesley Joseph and I was so looking forward to seeing her as I last watched her as Frau Blucher in Young Frankenstein and she was fabulous in it. Joseph has comedy chops and as the 'name' in this show she proves she's more than capable of leading a whole show while also being happy to partake in the slapstick side of things. The ugly sisters are wonderful with their over the top outfits and end of the pier humour. Any fan of Strictly will be taken with Claudia and Tess - even though there is a scene that left me shaking with fear so I can't imagine how the younger audience members must have fared ! 

I love the story of Cinderella - it's my favourite fairytale. I mean what's not to like, pretty frocks, a search for love and shoes are the star of the night. Not for nothing was the Slipper and the Rose my favourite movie as a young girl. I wish I had taken Brown Bear to see this - I didn't as it was on a school night - as he would have loved all the songs from the Greatest Showman and it finished at a respectable time too. Often pantomime runs on quite late and it's difficult to get any sense out of a tired child the next morning. Mine have been going to theatre since they were very young and adore it. The spectacle, the humour and of course the treats in the interval all add to the appeal of a night out. 

Often pantomime relies on big names stars to carry it off and to bring audiences in. I can honestly say that the cast of this show all are fantastic and while Lesley Joseph is the 'star' this is a genuine ensemble piece. The laughs are shared and there isn't a duff moment in the show. I would recommend this one for a family trip and I fully intend to take both my boys to see this as I could watch it again and I just know they will adore it. 

Book tickets for Cinderella here

Disclosure: Thank you to the Peacock Theatre and Churchill Theatre for inviting us to press nights. All reviews are genuine and my own opinion. 

Practically perfect - skiing at Christmas with Mark Warner

The fabulous view from our balcony 

I learned to ski about 15 years ago on a holiday with friends who had been skiing since they were very young. It was while having lessons in Meribel that I made the decision that if I was to have children I'd introduce them to skiing at an early age. I haven't actually been since Brown Bear was born and as Hubbie isn't a skiier I thought it would be unfair to book a holiday that only I would be interested in. Then the lovely chaps at Mark Warner suggested we might like to go away to ski for Christmas. Well, I was very keen to go and looked into how to make it happen for all of us. I wanted it to be a holiday that would be special for everyone and where we would all get to do what we enjoy. 

Is that our plane Mummy ? 

Advance booking: 

You can book pretty much everything before you leave for your holiday so you have nothing to worry about when you arrive. Our holiday included flights, transfers and half board. The flight was mercifully short and at a sensible time of day so we didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to get to the airport. It was also important to me that we have a short transfer time from the airport so we chose Les Deux Alpes which takes around 1 and a half hours from Grenoble. The Hotel Berangere offers interconnecting rooms so we are close to the boys, but not in the same room as them. We have a bathroom in each room too, so they have their own space and have loved sharing with each other. Half board is also a blessing for me as I don't have to prepare any meals and there is plenty to eat for everyone from hearty breakfasts to tempting afternoon tea and delicious dinners. The hotel has a swimming pool, sauna, steam room and a beauty salon. This meant that Hubbie could relax and do nothing if he wanted to or have a soothing massage. Mostly he chose to do nothing, which was the whole point of the holiday really. 

Freshly pisted snow - bliss 

The additional costs were for activities that we chose to do, so we pre-booked kids club for the bears, skiing lessons and ski equipment. This meant that it was all ready for us so we didn't have to leave the hotel for anything on arrival. It was just as well really as the boys were tired and hungry and I wanted to unpack. 

Family friendly: 

Mark Warner are renowned for the family friendly nature of their holidays so I have been keen to travel with them for a long time. It has been all I could have asked for and more. There are plenty of families staying here so the bears have made friends. As we were here on Christmas Day there was a visit from someone special and he brought gifts for all the children. There is provision for children to eat early so Blue Bear has been having high tea at 5pm so we can then put him to bed at close to his usual bedtime at home. There is also a kidz tea around 7pm for children over 6 and Brown Bear has enjoyed eating dinner with his new friends. We can then eat our meal later in the evening with other adults or the children can join us if we prefer. 

Ooh who's been the visit the chalet in the night ?

Child Care: 

This has been the one area I've been most impressed with. All the 'nannies' are brilliant with the children and both bears have been allocated a key worker. Blue Bear has loved playing in the snow with Aimee and made friends in the mini club. Brown Bear has been taking skiing lessons so Izzy takes him down to the ESF meeting point in the mornings and brings him back at lunchtime. The children eat lunch together under adult supervision and spend the afternoon at their respective clubs until we pick them up for tea. 

Blue Bear in the snow

The evening listening service wasn't what I had expected. The children watch a movie from 7.30pm in the childcare area and they are put to bed in sleeping bags by Danni and Danielle ready to be picked up before 10.30pm. We renamed it 'movie club' and Brown Bear loved it so much he went every evening. On the staff night off we also dropped Blue Bear off for a 'sleepover' with his friends. We have never had a holiday where we could eat dinner without the children before and it was so relaxing. You do have to stay in the hotel - except on the staff night off - but it is reassuring knowing the children are happy and being looked after while we eat our three course dinner and converse with other adults. In fact I've even enjoyed the cocktail of the day most evenings knowing that the children are safe and sound in the same building and that we don't have to drive to pick them up. 

Hubbie and me enjoying a much deserved night out

Skiing: 

Well, it's fair to say that I love to ski. I had no idea if I would be any good or if years away from the slopes would render me a hazard to everyone on the pistes. As we had pre-booked lessons for Brown Bear I also decided to book some for myself. Mark Warner work with preferred suppliers for ski equipment and lessons and the latter are with ESF (Ecole Ski Francais). I have had lessons with them before and would recommend them. The distinctive red suits can be seen all over the French alps and the instructors are encouraging and knowledgable. Most speak more than one language so you might find yourself in a group with people of other nationalities. I find that my french improves only marginally, but I expect their english fares far better. The skiing conditions have varied enormously this week. From a sunny and bright first day to a rain soaked last day with blizzards and white outs in between. Still I skied every day and enjoyed pretty much all of it. I befriended the drag lift operators who I saw every day and became well acquainted with the contours of the piste outside the window. I've honed my turns and realised that I'm actually not a bad skier at all. Every previous time I've been  skiing with friends who are very skilled. All this week I've remembered the voice of Harriet imploring "bend zee knees," and Adrian patiently demonstrating pole plant turns. They always pushed me to do more than I thought I could and as a result I had a pretty good grounding despite the long break. 

Brown Bear and me on the slopes 

The staff:

I can honestly say that the staff at Mark Warner have worked exceptionally hard to keep guests happy and made the time to get to know us by name. Paul the customer service manager and Amy the hotel manager have been incredible. At one point Hubbie came in and said, "I've just seen Amy outside digging a minibus out of the snow - whatever they pay her it's not enough." If you want to know what customer service is you have to meet a man who doesn't even ski, but works as a manager in a hotel at a ski resort. That man is Paul. For many of the staff this is their first ski season, although you wouldn't know it as they handle whatever happens with patience and speed. When my ski boots were missing from the boot room Ally kindly helped me locate them without any fuss. Bearing in mind that we were here over Christmas every effort was made to give us all the elements of a festive stay. When I booked I asked, "what about the staff do they not get to celebrate Christmas ?" and I was told that they do, but they also want us to have a special holiday. 

Jabba the snowman 

This was our first family holiday abroad and so much was new for us. We haven't put the children into holiday childcare before, it was Blue Bear's first time on a plane, I usually do all the cooking on holiday or we eat out and generally we spend all of the time together. This holiday we've all done our own things and spent time doing things we love. Hubbie has relaxed and rested, Brown Bear has taken to skiing like a natural, Blue Bear has made new friends and loved making snowballs and snow angels. As for me, I've seen my children in a whole new light, from brave and daring to sociable and fun. Their smiles and laughter have warmed my heart and spending time with Hubbie and enjoying each other's company has been wonderful. As I sat on a chair lift on Christmas Day I felt the sun on my face and closed my eyes to appreciate the serenity and fresh air of the mountains. That feeling will stay with me for a long time. 

Disclosure: Mark Warner Holidays offered us a special deal to ski at Christmas. All opinions are honest and my own. 

So that was Christmas

And what have you done ? To misquote John Lennon. I only ask because not everyone is all singing and all dancing about Christmas.

It's taken me most of my life to work out how to do Christmas in a way that doesn't make me stressed or upset. Mostly it involves a lot of organisation. It's also about getting myself prepared mentally. Ok, so the present buying and food shopping is pretty arduous, but it's still a fortunate situation to find yourself in. To have the means, the reason and the people to buy for can be wonderful. It can create a mass of expectation though. The need to buy the perfect gifts, to cook the perfect meal, to have the perfect family get together. All the while being aware that this is a privileged position to be in.

The pursuit of perfection is my worst enemy. The desire to do everything just right causes the most anxiety of all. It's why so many people get into debt to fund Christmas. This need to make it special. I didn't even grow up with the traditional notion of Christmas in my family. We weren't encouraged to believe in Father Christmas so that wasn't a thing and apart from having crackers with our meal it was no different to any day that we all ate together. We did have gifts, but it was not the huge deal that I became aware of later on. When people talked about how special Christmas was I just didn't get it at all.

At uni I met a tutor who told me that she and her husband would go on holiday every Christmas to avoid all celebrations. They would lie on the beach and ignore everything to do with the season. That idea appealed to me. Choosing to step away from the whole idea in favour of something relaxing instead. Yes please. Then the guilt kicks in. What will parents think ? Isn't that a bit selfish ?

It's this awareness of unrealistic expectations that means I start to prepare a long time in advance. Getting myself fit and mentally well has been hugely important. In the past I have negelected my wellbeing and it's led to a miserable time. Now I know that I have to manage myself. Whether that is taking some time for myself or sharing the load with others. No one else can know what I'm struggling with if I'm not open about it. Fortunately Hubbie knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

It's not an easy time of year for a lot of people. It's ok if you're not feeling festive. If you do and you need some help these links might be of some help:

www.mind.org. uk

www.samaritans.org.uk

I'm out of Whamageddon... no it's ok I'm fine.

I was doing so well until this last week when I took the boys to the barbers for their seasonal haircuts. It was all going swimmingly then the festive music started up on the radio and it happened. The one tune I had managed to avoid all December finally caught up with me. Yes it's true I am out of Whamageddon ! In case this meme has passed you by it's the phenomenon where you try to get through as much of December as possible without hearing Last Christmas by Wham. Cover versions don't count, but I think the cheery and loud rendition by my drunken fellow passengers on the train home on Friday night would have rendered every passenger on the carriage well and truly out of the game too. It's not even like it's my favourite song about Christmas, it's far too schmaltzy and sentimental. However, it does hold a special place in my heart because Hubbie deliberately sings it out of tune which amuses me no end. No it's the video that makes this for me - in hindsight a bizarre scenario, but the hair is just amazing !

I asked my fellow radio presenters to select their favourite songs for Christmas and have discovered some beautiful new songs to add to my playlist. One I've only just remembered recently is by Bruce Springsteen and it just makes me smile. I defy you to listen to this and not enjoy it.

An altogether smoother number is by She and Him featuring the delightful vocals of Zooey Deschanel - a truly renaissance woman - and brings an elegant touch to a familar tune.

For years I favoured a post punk band and their Christmas anthem because it felt a bit more rebellious. Until it occured to me that it was on every compilation album and is hardly alternative. I still love the Waitresses and Christmas Wrapping.

This one isn't strictly speaking a Christmas song, but it's always featured in the seasonal offering and I just love Chrissie Hynde's voice. Also the video that was shown on Top of the Pops featured her dressed as in a Salvation Army uniform so that pretty much settled its place as an annual favourite.

At heart, however, I am an softie and the song that brings most meaning to me at this time of year is this John Lennon number.

However you are spending this day I hope it goes well. At least you've got these great tunes to keep you company.

I've made my list... I've checked it twice...

Christmas is a busy time. As well as all the things we have to do with school - nativity, school fair, teacher gifts and cards for friends - there is the family stuff to do - buy gifts, wrap gifts, decide what day we're visiting who - and then I throw in the additional stress of a festive holiday and it just makes me operate at a level of intensity that would rival Olivia Pope. Ok I don't have her pristine outfits and designer handbags, but the level of precision required to keep on top of my to do list is pretty phenomenal. Actually I don't have one list I have several.

School jobs: 

• Working the bar for the inaugural winter ball - Narnia themed naturally 
• Setting up, holding a stall and clearing up after the Christmas fair 
• Decorating the hall for the junior school disco. 
• Writing all cards for boys' teachers, class mates and random mums I talk to
• Teacher gift from children in Blue Bear's class

Blue Bear birthday jobs: 

• Plan and deliver birthday party
• Party Bags, cake, etc.
• Wrap presents and buy cake for the actual birthday 
• Thank you cards for all the gifts 

Christmas Donations: 

• Toys for Met Police Appeal
• Clothes and toys for Salvation Army
• Pet food for animal charities 
• Winter clothes for overseas charities 
• Trolley of donations for food bank
• Blood donation (it's a busy time of year) 

Ok before you say, 'hey hey, what's with the gratuitous virtue signalling there woman ?" I can explain. For me this is a difficult time of year as the enforced jollity really grates on me. I prefer to give gifts, donations and be helpful than to receive anything. I find it a bit embarassing really as I have all I need and being asked what I'd like just sends me into a panic. I end up with daft things like an ice cream maker or a teasmade because no one accepts it when I say, "honestly I don't need anything." Years ago when me and Hubbie hadn't been together that long he asked if I wanted an ipod and I said, "not it's far too much, please don't bother." He bought me one about a year later and I loved it so much I couldn't believe I'd ever said no thanks. He's been asking me for about a year if I want an apple watch and I think it's far too much money to spend so I've said no. Nicely, I'm not rude. I honestly would rather the money was spent on the family or to help others. 

I love giving things to other people so that is where my joy comes from. I've taken the boys to breakfast with Father Christmas, we've been to watch festive shows, I've invested in a kickstarter project for something that Hubbie will love (I can't say what it is until he knows - sorry). I bought Neo some new blankets for his beanbag and have treated the boys to new things for holiday - little things like a passport cover for the one who has never flown before and onesies for lounging around the chalet. It's not about big stuff, it's all the little things that make a difference for me. My Dad's birthday is on Christmas Eve so we always visit celebrate with him. It's also a family tradition that I go to my parents for New Year's Day. In the past I've given everyone a calendar and some chocolates to see in the New Year. 

The pressure for everything to be perfect at Christmas is overwhelming. I have struggled for years with managing my expectations and now try to keep things as simple as possible. Thankfully Hubbie understands that I set myself impossible standards and he reminds me how much has gone right rather than allowing me to sink under the weight of my own disappointment. Giving enables me to take focus off myself and to see joy reflected in others. I make time to see people I love and to remind others that they are in my thoughts if not in close proximity. 

For those of us who aren't naturally Christmas people this is a difficult line to tread. Not wanting to be seen as a grinch, but feeling that overeating and overspending is not necessary. 

This is how I've made it work for me. The reality is - though - that I am still struggling. I feel really anxious most days and I am permanently worried that I've forgotten something really important.  

If it's not on the list it can't be important can it ? 

Christmas books worth going to bed early for

Since I first heard about the idea of having a Christmas Eve box I've done them for the boys. It varies from year to year but there is always a seasonal book inside. It's something they can read in preparation for the big day and gives them a reason to go to bed nice and early. Well that's the theory anyway. Often Brown Bear just stays up reading his book over and over hoping to catch a glimpse of Father Christmas. 

Little Tiger publishing sent us some lovely books to review - just in time for Christmas. They are so beautifully illustrated and would be great as gifts. These are all softback versions of popular Christmas titles that have been reissued for the festive season. 

The nicest thing about reading a book with children is the active participation. We have read to our boys since they were very small so in the early days it was more about using their senses to enjoy the experience.

One Noisy Night is a touch and feel book with pictures that your child can run their fingers over to feel Little Hedgehog's velvety hat. I love stories that have a joining in element and this one is a bit of a mystery featuring animal characters and an adventure.

The Perfect Present is an adorable story of friendship and kindness. Bella and Billy are best friends and they want to give each other a present that will make them happy. It made me sob when I read the lovely ending to the story, but in a good way.

Santa to the rescue is more of a traditional Christmas story with the animals of Holly Tree Forest helping Santa when the bears of Mistletoe Mountain get snowed in. This is the one that Blue Bear would love the most as he is a big fan of Father Christmas stories. It's also a great story to tell the night before Christmas so it's a surefire entry for Christmas Eve boxes.

These illustrated stories are wonderful for reading to children until they can read themselves. I love collecting these stories and sharing them with my children. They have such a magical feel to them and make a nice bedtime treat in the run up to Christmas. I can't wait to give these to the bears (and one for their cousin too).

Disclosure: The lovely folks at Little Tiger sent us these books to review. 

Adventures old and new in Cornwall

While we were in Cornwall over Christmas we decided to go on some of our tried and trusted family days out, but we also went to an event we'd never heard of before and it has become a firm favourite.

The Eden Project: 

I've loved the Eden Project since I first visited in the year it opened and try to go there whenever we are in Cornwall. We hadn't planned to go this time as we had missed out on the very popular Christmas Grotto visit bookings - hardly surprising as Father Christmas at Eden is amazing. We thought we'd go anyway as this year there is a sound and light show after dark and we thought that sounded like something the boys would enjoy. 

It wasn't the warmest of days, but that doesn't matter when you have the indoor biomes, soft play and great dining. We always eat at Eden as the food is so great and this time was up to the usual standard with the addition of some seasonal treats too. After a hot lunch we took the boys to listen to a story in the Mediterranean biome. It's a lovely spot and the storytellers at Eden are so talented. We always check the times for live events including Pukka tea tasting (Hubbie's favourite) and live storytelling and this time there was also a history of pirates. Most of these are repeated during the day so you get another chance if you missed it. 

An area that we've not taken the boys to before is the soft play and learning zone. The soft play is for under fives only so Blue Bear got to do this while Brown Bear played with magnets and pumped water. It was a good break actually and meant that when we got back to the outdoor spaces we were all refreshed in preparation for the sound and light show. The boys took the landtrain which is a great option for young children or anyone who doesn't fancy the walk up the long paths or many steps. At the top we had a great view of the lasers although these photos don't really do justice to the show. Even without a visit to see Father Christmas we still had a fantastic day

Winter Wood - Rogue Theatre: 

The new favourite for us was the amazing Rogue Theatre which took place at Tehidy Woods near Portreath. The show we saw was Winter Wood and we were told about it by the lovely Pippa of Story of Mum who suggested it to me when I said we'd be in Cornwall for Christmas. I'm do glad she did as  despite being an hour from where we were staying it was everything we had been promised and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. 

A theatrical experience that takes place in the woods already sounds magical so when you are greeted by a fairy and walk through trees strewn with baubles and decorations you know it's going to be special. At each point we were met by fairies who sang, juggled with fire or invited us to make a wish  on the trees. By the time we go to Old Man Winter the boys were already convinced of the magic of the woods. 

Old Man Winter and his silver wishing feather 

A brown paper bag of sweets later and we were ready for the next adventure. By the time we reached the heated marquee for hot chocolate and face painting (all included in the ticket price) we were enchanted by it all. I made a special decoration with Blue Bear and Brown Bear tried hot chocolate and liked it (I think it was the marshmallows personally). We also bumped into lovely Hayley of Down Side Up and Brown Bear made friends with Natty. She told me that Rogue Theatre is very popular with locals and it's hardly surprising as the show is fantastic, featuring outdoor activities and indoor performance with hot chocolate, face painting and a craft activity all for only £8.50 for a whole family. We also donated a ticket to the wildcard scheme where they offer a ticket to a family who otherwise cannot afford to go. 

Our lovely handmade natural decoration

I can see Rogue Theatre becoming a fixture of our visits to Cornwall as they do shows during the summer too. Apparently Old Man Winter becomes Old Man Summer, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. The greatest compliment I can give it is that even Hubbie enjoyed the day and it's not often that he is captivated by magic. 

Disclosure: The lovely folks at the Eden Project gave us complimentary entry for our visit. 

Giving, not getting. That's the secret.

This quote from the Grinch may well be familiar to you - not least if you are a fan of Dr Seuss - but I only heard it for the first time this week. It made me stop and think as this is exactly what I want to express, but I didn't want to sound all priggish and judgey. Having spent far too much money over the years and bought - and received - many gifts I've come to the conclusion that I just don't want to do it any more. 

I've decided to scale back on Christmas this year. Partly it's financial reasons - I'm not working (well not paid work anyway) so I don't have money to spend. The other reason is that I have always found it overwhelming how much is expected at Christmas. The food, the gifts, the cards, the driving from place to place to see everyone. I've just realised this year that there is just too much going on for me. I'm keeping things really simple. I have already mooted the idea of an even more basic celebration next year.

There is so much waste and greed that this year I've spent more time and energy on people I don't know. I gave blood a few weeks back as I know stocks run low at Christmas. We have sorted through bags of baby clothes and donated them to a refugee charity local to us that needs them. The boys also helped me to bag up the toys they don't play with any more and we have given some to the same charity and others to the Samaritans. We've given to the food bank and collected hats and gloves as well as warm clothes for homeless charities.

A local cafe collects money to provide meals for homeless people and we have put some money in for that too. I'd rather do that than buy yet more toys or toiletries or mince pies. No really I would. Ok, maybe I'll get some mince pies as Hubbie loves them, but to be honest we don't need to pile up a shopping trolley with food or stock up like armageddon is upon us.

Giving to others is pre-programmed into me. I'm the oldest of 4 kids born into a family where I was expected to do for others as a matter of course. Thinking about others used to take the form of buying gifts for everyone I knew. Now I don't have the money to do that so instead I volunteer, give my time and think about ways to support causes. I still get my children gifts, but they also know that it's not about having piles of presents, but about seeing the people who love them and thinking about children who might not be having such a great time. I'm not going to guilt my kids into doing for other people. I hope that they will choose to do it themselves because of what we do now.

After all, Christmas is only one day of the year. Being caring and kind is something I hope we do every day.

Three bird roast and a Bellini - ultimate Christmas snacking

Now that it's December I can officially talk about planning for Christmas. Hubbie gets all squinky when the Christmas TV idents start in early December as he believes they should only run from Christmas Eve. He does get quite curmudgeonly at this time of year to be honest. The only way to cheer him up is to plan our festive feasting.

I realise that there is traditional food and drink you are supposed to buy at this time of year like tangerines, nuts and egg nog. I don't see the appeal of nog, mulled anything or anything scented with cloves so that makes my shopping list a lot shorter to start with. Nuts and fruit we buy all year round anyway so I don't feel the need to stock up on either. Where we do go to town though is on nice cheese and posh crackers. Alcohol, not bothered. Fancy meats, nah. Crunchy snacks, yes please ! If it's a mixed snack pack then Hubbie will go for it. Pretzels, cheese nibbles, bombay mix, you name it and it will make it into the festive basket when he goes shopping.

This year we've been sent what I can only describe as the zenith of celebration snacks. The lovely folks at Tyrells sent us some fancy schmancy crisps and poshcorn. The three bird roast crisps (RRP £2.19) are more of a Hubbie thing - let's face it with the kids we're lucky to get them to eat just one roast never mind a combination of them ! The birds are duck, chicken and turkey and contain actual meat so I will treat myself to some Tyrells veg crisps while Hubbie chomps his way through these. The mixed root vegetable crisps contain carrot, parsnip and beetroot and would make up pretty much a whole meal so treat yourself to both and call it lazy Christmas dinner. I'm only half joking ! Tyrells are so moreish it wouldn't surprise me if he finished the whole bag (it's massive !) in one sitting. Sharing size you say ? Nah.

The Bellini cocktail poshcorn (RRP £1.59) is definitely mine all mine !! I love peach bellinis and these have a slightly fizzy sensation to get the celebrations going. I can see these being a great party snack - strictly for grown ups only though - and I still have some of those popcorn bags left from a kids' birthday party so they will come in handy. Who am I kidding, I'll be chomping through them in front of a cheesy Christmas film with a glass of something equally fizzy. Getting the tikes to keep their paws off the popcorn will be pretty difficult so I might have to hide the bag from them. Alternatively I can get them their own poshcorn. I think they'd enjoy the sweet and salty or even the strawberries and cream. Anything to stop them eating mine !

So that's the snacking sorted. I'll let Hubbie deal with the actual food shopping.

Disclosure: The lovely folks at Tyrells sent us some samples to try their new seasonal flavours. 

So this is Christmas...

We're going away for xmas. It's been decided and it's booked. Not just anywhere mind - oh no. It's the  ultimate Christmas destination for a family like ours. We've booked a big lodge with woodburner and playroom. There's a train in the afternoons and animal feed run in the morning, loads of space to play outdoors and inside and there is even a visit from the big man on Christmas Eve. Yes we're back at Coombe Mill for our first official Christmas as a family of four.

Last year we had hoped that the adoption would be signed off before Christmas so Blue Bear would officially be part of our family. In the end it didn't happen due to a tiny technicality. The date was postponed until January. It was pretty disappointing and we had a quiet Christmas at home. We still did all the fun things, but having the adoption hearing hanging over us did overshadow things somewhat.

This year we are all one family and Brown Bear is an old hand with Christmas so he can show Blue Bear the ropes around Coombe Mill too. I imagine that we will take it in turns with the feedrun as Brown Bear isn't really interested in the feeding as much as driving the tractor. The games room might be more his thing now he's older too so I think I might take him there if he's bored.

So preparations have begun in earnest. I've already told Hubbie that now there's a Waitrose in Truro we are definitely getting our Christmas food from there. He always prepares the meal and I keep the boys occupied while he cooks. It's easy to keep busy on the farm so we can go and see the animals or go for a bounce on the trampolines. Or as John Lewis would have it we could watch the animals having a bounce instead !

I'm not great at Christmas - I like the planning ahead and then it all gets on top of me. My lovely in-laws don't open presents until late afternoon and my family open them first thing. When we are with family there is a constant flow of food and we all eat too much and aren't hungry by the time dinner is ready. Being away means I don't have to worry about any of that. We can do things to our own timetable and eat when we like. If the boys are getting rowdy - who am I kidding, if ? more like when ! - there is space for them to let off steam and also a change of scene.

In the last few years I've been making Christmas Eve boxes for the boys filled with things like new pyjamas, a story book, a Christmas DVD and some things to play with. I often include a soft toy and a snow globe too. I know this is becoming a pretty popular thing so I might even do them for me and Hubbie. New snuggly pyjamas, mint thins, a bottle of something festive and a Christmas movie - what's not to like ?

Christmas morning is a pretty laid back event for us - once the madness of present opening is done that is. We love to go for a family walk after our meal and being at Coombe Mill means we get to explore the farm and see the animals or go to the play areas. Last time we visited the llamas - maybe this year we can venture a bit further maybe to see the deer or donkeys ?

Now that we have a plan for Christmas I can get excited about it. We don't have to carry a bajillion gifts but we will take some decorations for the tree that Farmer Nick will kindly put in the lodge for us. I can book some lovely activities for us to do as a family and hopefully even get some down time while we're there. I can't wait.

What on earth did I do with my time before I had kids ?

You know all that planning and prep you do for Christmas - the tree, the presents, the food and even getting the house ready for potential guests ? I've always found it a bit much, but now I have kids I wonder why I ever found it all so overwhelming before.

Before we had kids:

• I'd put up and decorate the tree and select beautiful decorations made of glass to sparkle in the light.

• We would have baubles and lights and window decals and all sorts of festive fun. 

• There would be drinks with friends, work and various Christmas parties and meals to attend. I'd have a dress for each event and decide what to wear weeks before going. 

• Food shopping would commence at least a month before and I'd have a plan of what to do and where to be for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day and all of the New Year bit. 

• Presents would be indulgent and fun and as impractical as you like. I'd take plenty of time to enjoy them and read the books and listen to the CDs or wear the perfume I was given. 

• By the end of it all I was exhausted and would plan to go away the following year to keep things simple 

Now we have kids:

• The tree has a few incarnations - the first is the one where the kids throw everything at it and then I redo it with fewer decorations and no lights at all. Glass ornaments ? Don't make me laugh. 

• A week after putting the tree up I have to take all the chocolate decorations off as I keep finding the empty wrappers under Big Boy's pillow. 

• I forget to even take the baubles and decals out of the box until after Christmas.

• There is no work party and there are no after work drinks - when the mums from school go out for a 'do' I put on whatever is clean and nearest the bed when I'm leaving the house. 

• Food is bought in stages with plenty of options to allow for the carnivore Baby Boy and the suddenly fussy eater Big Boy - he eats a Christmas dinner at school, but refuses everything on his plate at home and wants the same 'baby plate' that his brother has. 

• I barely notice my own presents as I try to keep track of who gave what to the kids. The ensuing wrapping paper mountain reveals they have far too much. At least a week later I haven't opened most of mine. A year later I find the voucher for a meal for two that my sister got for us - it expired 6 months previously. 

This is a silly amount of presents 

I haven't even mentioned that Baby Boy vomited on me 3 times when we went to visit my parents or that I was up all night when Big Boy had a suspected ear infection while we were staying with the in-laws.

I've already suggested a few options to Hubbie for next year - just to give me hope:

1. We go away somewhere hot and forget Christmas completely. We enjoy a lovely holiday instead - the kids have enough of everything already.

2. I take Big Boy with me to volunteer on Christmas Day and we ask everyone to limit the presents to one each for all of us.

3. We leave Big Boy with my parents, Baby Boy with Hubbie's parents and we go to the Caribbean for a grown up holiday.

I'm not even kidding.

Debbie says no to Christmas

Christmas eve traditions and dodgy nails.

Christmas Eve and all is well. We have a few traditions that Baby Boy is experiencing for the first time. Last night we took the boys and our lovely neighbour (and spare Grannie) Jill to see the lights. There is a cul de sac near where we live and the houses have the most amazing Christmas lights every year. I always take a few sneaky trips with the kids in the run up to Christmas and then we make a family visit to donate to the charities that houses are collecting for. Baby Boy loved it so much.

Christmas Eve is always spent with my family as it's my Dad's birthday. Last year we were lucky enough to spend Christmas at Coombe Mill and we really missed seeing him for his special day (we did enjoy the party hosted by Fiona, Farmer Nick and the children though). Today we went to see the family and I spent a lot of it cuddling my gorgeous 3 month old baby nephew. I remember when Big Boy was that age at his first Christmas and it was just magical.

As well as being a family day I like to remember how lucky we are to have people who care for us and enough food for everyone. We donate all year and I like to ensure that we all remember that not everyone has a great time at Christmas.  We made a drop of food, teabags, snacks, hats, gloves and socks to a charity that provides support to homeless people all year round, but especially in the colder months. I hope that they are able to make it a bit better for anyone sleeping rough. It's also worth mentioning that Sikh temples are open all year round for anyone who needs hot meal. There is no qualifying criteria and it is not shameful to ask.

Once we were home everyone got out the Christmas stockings for the morning. My family never really did them as we didn't get the point, but Hubbie is a big fan so we do them. Baby Boy has one to mark his first Christmas with us.

As well as the stockings we also do a Christmas Eve box of treats for the night before Christmas. Baby Boy loved his Penguin design and Big Boy couldn't wait to open his.

There are always new pyjamas and some new toys.This year I also added some glow sticks, Christmas socks and a bow tie each as a quirky addition. It turns out that Big Boy loved the bow tie the most. Who knew ? 

Of course the most important job to do tonight was the get a snack plate ready for Santa Claus and Rudolph. The boys put one carrot each on the tray and Big Boy insisted that we put 3 mince pies out. A little while later he reminded me that we needed to also put a bowl of milk out for Rudolph too so that was a close shave !

All that is left now is to try and get a few hours sleep before they both wake up over excited and keen to tear into everything. To say we have an embarrassment of riches would be an understatement, so I suspect it may take some time to get through all of this lot. I hope the boys appreciate how very lucky we all are. 

One final note - more to myself that anyone else - it's not a great idea to try and be creative with nail colours after a large glass of wine ! 

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !! 

All I want for Christmas is what I already have - thank you :)

A year ago we had no idea that Baby Boy would be coming to live with us. We were planning our first Christmas away and getting ready for an exciting week in Cornwall staying at Coombe Mill.

Then while were were on holiday we received an email with a profile and a photo and the question - would we consider this little boy ? I showed the photo to Big Boy and he said, "Is that me as a baby ?" I said. "No, it's a little boy who we're thinking about having to come live with us. How would it be if he was your baby brother ?" Big Boy looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'd like that."

I found Wally

A lot happened in between - which I will tell you another time, I promise - and now we are here. We're a family of four (ok, Neo - five) and this Christmas he's here with us. It's the most amazing gift of all and I cannot believe it's only been a year since this all began for real.

So, when anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I can honestly say, "nothing."

Oh we're such fun

I have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, a fluffy cat, a new iPhone (ok, not strictly nothing then).

I told you he's fluffy !

Most importantly of all I have two sons I love and adore. They are safe, healthy and happy.

My boys 

Ok, I'd like to be slimmer, to not have dodgy knees and a gammy shoulder. I'd love to be able to live on chips, chocolate, champagne and strawberries.

For now I'm thankful for what I do have. I had no idea this time last year that it would be so much.

Love...