Do we win a speedboat Derek ?

If me and Hubbie went on Mr & Mrs I'm not convinced we'd do all that well. I mean for a start Derek Batey doesn't present it any more so that's a downer already. If you are unfamiliar with this stalwart of my childhood it was a TV quiz show where married couples would take turns to answer questions about each other to show how much the knew about their spouse. They competed with other couples for prizes and Derek encouraged them in his non threatening '70s TV host way.

My recollection of this show is pretty much confined to one half of the couple sitting in a booth wearing noise cancelling headphones while their other half answered questions. My favourite was when a man was asked what colour tights his wife wore. One of the options was American tan - I had never heard of this before and to be honest I haven't heard of it since. What struck me most about this question was why would a husband know what colour tights his wife wore ? Especially in an era when men and women weren't quite as open with each other as all that.

It sometimes occurs to me that there are things we just wouldn't be able to answer about each other. I often still ask Hubbie if he eats olives, "Yes I do, it was the other guy who didn't." Mind you he also forgets if it's me or a previous who doesn't eat mushrooms so I guess we're even.

On the other hand there was the time he made me gnocchi at this flat because when we went out to eat they didn't have it and he wanted to make me happy. When I get a dine in offer I choose profiteroles as the dessert because I know he likes them.

When people say how lucky I am I often want to tell them they don't even know the half of it. When we  found out it was unlikely we would have children it was devastating. He made light of it by referring to Friends. It was anything but lighthearted, but we had to find a way through it.

We have shared references - quotes from films or TV shows and silly things that make us laugh. Anything from Gavin and Stacey, Alan Partridge, The Thick of It or Curb Your Enthusiasm is guaranteed to diffuse a tense situation. To be honest we need to have a laugh with the day to day business of raising our boys.

So how would we fare on a modern Mr & Mrs ? Well if one of the questions was what is his favourite George Michael song I'd laugh and say Careless Whisper. His tone deaf rendition is a wonder to behold. Much like his impressions of the characters in Coming to America. Sometimes it's not what you know about a person, but the history you share that matters. I will always cry with laughter when he stamps his foot and says, "Sexual Chocolate !" Well it's only polite isn't it ?

Things I've asked Hubbie this week...

that prove - beyond reasonable doubt - that we are meant to be.

If for no other reason than no one else would have us.

The other night: 

Me: when will Brown Bear be old enough to watch Father Ted ?
Him: What ?
Me: Well I think he's going to love it and it's hilarious. Not rude or too adult.
Him: *just looks at me*

At 6am the other morning: 

Me: Where is my towel ?
Him: On the washing line
Me: Still ?
Him: Yes
Me: That's 2 days now.
Him: ...
Me: Where are you going ?
Him: To get your towel off the line.

On the phone earlier today: 

Me: Shall we do something while the kids are away next week ?
Him: Aren't we going to the theatre already ?
Me: Yeah, but I mean maybe go for a swim together ?
Him: Oh that sounds nice.
Me: And we could order a takeaway
Him: Really ?
Me: Yeah. It's an annual event so let's go for it.
Him: Now that is a brilliant idea
Me: *smile to myself*

My phone rings at 8am: 

Me: Is everything ok ?
Him: Did you take the scooters out of the car this morning ?
Me: Dammit I forgot !
Him: Oh good. I thought they'd been stolen from the doorstep.
Me: We live in Croydon, not the Bronx (ok I admit I may have just thought this).

At 2am:

Me: Why are you awake ?
Him: I don't feel too well
Me: What happened ?
Him: I think the microwaved burger I had at football disagreed with me.
Me: It didn't occur to you that might not be a great idea ?
Hubbie: Nah.
Me: *roll my eyes and go back to sleep*

One evening: 

Me: do you want some chocolate ?
Him: Always
Me: Ok here's where it's kept - you can help yourself.
Him: What ? (looks aghast)
Me: Well after 14 years together I figure that you can be trusted
Him: I'm not sure I can
Me: I have faith in you
Him: *shakes his head*

It's a funny thing marriage isn't it ?

Ok I confess I do listen to the Archers

I was once asked by a manager if I thought of myself as English because he'd heard me call myself 'Indian.' He was a black man who identified as Scottish first and foremost so I guess he wondered why the disparity existed. I told him I felt that I couldn't identify with being English, but by birth I am British and my family originate from India so if anything that makes me British Indian. Then I realised that when I'm in India I am seen as English, firstly because I was born here and live here and secondly because Hubbie is so I guess I must be. The reality is that I am English for a few simple reasons:

• I dunk biscuits into tea (only the basic ones like ginger nuts I'm not weird or anything) and apparently that is an English thing.
• I drink a lot of tea - I always thought this was an Indian thing, but apparently it's English. What would I dunk my biscuits into otherwise ? 
• I love marmite - my friend SJ says that having a strong opinion about Marmite (love it or hate it) is what makes a person English. 
• The definitive marker, however, is that I listen to the Archers. My friend Tim who lives in Thailand still listens to the omnibus and we compare notes on a Sunday about what is happening. Now that is proper commitment, but then I suspect he takes pride in that whole 'Englishman abroad' schtick.

Making this admission in public is a bold move for me as it's part of my accepting my middle aged, middle class, self. It's also about something bigger than me or the Archers - I know, is that even possible ? At the moment the Archers has a storyline that has caused a lot of consternation and upset to regulars and newbie listeners alike. As someone who has been listening for fewer than 5 years I am still a relative newbie. I am, however, very invested in the current storyline about Helen and Rob. This has been going on for a while and it has emerged over time that he is emotionally manipulating his wife, isolating her from friends and family and is now turning her young son against her.

It is often difficult for someone who hasn't experienced this kind of domestic abuse to understand why Helen isn't just standing up to him or telling someone, but having lived with someone not dissimilar to Rob I think I understand why.

In the beginning of my relationship he seemed very kind and I believed he was misunderstood. Rob told Helen that his wife was mad and that only she truly understood him. The secrecy of the relationship was part of what made isolating me from my friends possible. Helen and Rob started out having an affair and she lied to everyone about seeing him. As the relationship progressed he ensured she relied on him more and more.

In public he would be charming and in private he had an unpredictable temper and I would be on the edge of my nerves as soon as he got home in case he was in a bad mood. Regulars will remember that Rob was very angry because he hates tuna and lied about being attacked by a hunt saboteur. If these sound like ridiculous examples let me give you some of my own.

We were driving to see his mother for the weekend and because she was off with him on the phone he swerved sharply off the motorway and threatened to drive into a wall. I talked him out of doing that (well shouted actually) and instead he threw his new mobile phone out of the window.

While we were away celebrating his 30th birthday he fell into a bad mood and decided to pick a fight before we went to eat where he made unkind comments to me while we ate dinner. I tried to stop myself from crying as he gritted his teeth and sneered at me to stop showing him up in public.

It isn't just anger though, it's also dishonesty. Rob has lied and manipulated others and is convincing Helen that she is going mad. Towards the end of my short lived first marriage I was broken and alone. On the first day back to work in January 2000 I got to the train station and decided to go home and rest for the day, thinking he'd already left for work. As I opened the front door to our flat I heard him indoors and felt my blood drain away. He was furious with me for being home. The smell was unmistakeable yet he'd told me he had stopped smoking weed ages ago. When he heard the door lock open he'd thrown the lit joint on the floor and it would be my fault now if the flat burnt down. As I crawled on my hands and knees to find it with tears rolling down my face I knew that this was enough. The lying, the loneliness, the lack of basic kindness.

I was lucky enough to get away without the need for an intervention and I was able to go to my parents' home. A lot of women are not so fortunate and if they also have children there is so much more at stake.

A lot of listeners have questioned why Helen hasn't told anyone or left Rob. Well I know women who have had their jaw broken and been too afraid to report it. Who have also asked to drop the charges, not because they forgive the man who did it, but because they are convinced that they did something to deserve it. Physical damage can be seen, but mental cruelty is very hard to prove. Someone like Rob will make you think you are the problem and that without him you just won't cope.

One of my fellow listeners Paul Trueman has created a Justgiving page in the name of Helen, with all donations going to the very real and much needed charity Refuge. So far it's raised an amazing amount of money to help Refuge support victims* of domestic abuse. I am a proud member of the Archers Appreciation Facebook group and even more so now that we have done something positive with all that unspent rage we are feeling towards Rob.

If you would like to donate please go to this link: https://www.justgiving.com/helentitchener/

* I use the word victims advisedly and with no intention to shame anyone. 

Modern Love: What my 5 year old thinks of marriage.

The latest in an occasional series in which me and my son talk about life.

Big Boy: "Mummy, me and Georgia are getting married."
Me: "Really ?"
BB: "Yes."
Me: "You told me the other day that Attie is your girlfriend."
BB: "Yes she is"
Me: "So if she's your girlfriend how come you're going to marry Georgia ?"
BB: (sighing) "Ok then I'll marry both of them."
Me: "Sorry ?"
BB: "I can marry them both."
Me: (stifling a laugh) "Now, there are a few reasons why that's not going to work.
BB: "I will be their husband and they can be my wifes"
Me: "The thing is that they're both quite feisty and they won't go for it I'm afraid son."
BB: (thinks) ... "I'll marry Baby Boy then."
Me: "That's a lovely idea, but you can't really marry your brother Bubby."
BB: "Why not ?"
Me: "Well, he's your family and you don't marry someone who's already your family, like your Mummy or Daddy, or brother or sister."
BB: "Oh, ok."
Me: "If you meet someone who isn't in your family and you like them and they like you, you can get married."
BB: "Not now. When I'm a man."
Me: "Of course, you do have to be a grown up before you can get married really."
BB: "Well, when I'm a man I can get married."
Me: "If you meet someone you want to marry, then yes you can."
BB: "And men can marry men."
Me: "Yes. And women can marry women if they want to."
BB: "I already knew that."
Me: "Me and Daddy don't mind who you marry when you grow up. Or even if you don't want to get married."
BB: "I will get married. Like you and Daddy are married."
Me: "Yes we are."
BB: "I know that."
Me: "I would be really happy if you meet someone who loves you as much as I do. Who takes care of you and keeps you safe."
BB: (Thinks) "Have you got a snack for me to eat Mummy ?"
Me: "Yes, sweetie."

This is the kind of Mum I am. 

Does this husband come with a 10 year warranty ?

Mr & Mrs

When I was a single woman I had a list of things that I was hoping to find in my potential partner. It was things like: good kisser, kind, has own teeth and hair, financially solvent. I also had a list of things to avoid: Obsessed with sports, unkind to animals and children, small-minded. Of course when I met Hubbie I was swept off my feet and fell in love so that fact that he's obsessed with sport was more than made up for by his teeth and hair. I can sense he's giving me a hard stare at this point, so I'll also say he has many other positive qualities, yadda yadda yadda.

Of course there are plenty of things that I didn't know would be important:

• Hubbie always takes the bins out - I can do it, but I don't have to because he does it. 

• He pretends not to watch 'rubbish' like the Great British Bake Off, but ask him who was in it this year and he will name every participant. And he knows all about 'bingate' !!

• Our shared capacity to take on anything that life throws at us, whether it's the drama of infertility or the trials and tribulations of adoption.  

• We don't argue. I do, but Hubbie doesn't so it means any row lasts as long as it takes for me to realise that I'm ranting and he's not participating. Nothing diffuses a situation faster. 

• We want the best for each other. Before I met him I wanted what was best for me, now I want to make Hubbie and our boy happy.   

What I've also realised over the years is that there are subtle things that you just don't consider when you're planning a life with someone. Things you take for granted until they come up in conversation:

A shared love of movies 

Me: Ooh, Shrek* is on. 

Hubbie: hmm

Me: You've watched Shrek haven't you ? 

Hubbie: Erm, no.

Me: (speechless)

*Shrek could also be replaced with: The Godfather, The Blues Brothers, This is Spinal Tap, The Life of Brian...

Interests in common

Me: Did you enjoy the ice skating ?

Hubbie: er, not not really.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry

Hubbie: I've never really enjoyed it

Me: No worries, you were only there because there weren't any penguins to stop the boy falling over :)

Similar tastes in food 

Me: My Mum made the best homemade chips ever.

Hubbie: I never had them
Me: What ? Your Mum never made them for you ?
Hubbie: No, we always had oven chips.
Me: That is actual child neglect. I have to talk to her about this.

A passion for politics 

Me: I just don't get why you watch Question Time
Hubbie: It's amusing isn't it ?
Me: Not really, hearing people shouting isn't that amusing is it ?
Hubbie: Oh, I don't know. At least they're all in one room.
Me: A very noisy room.

A shared vision of the future 

Me: When we've retired I'd like to travel the world
Hubbie: I'd like to travel to every station on the London Underground
Me: (sigh)

Just as well we don't argue isn't it ?

Eight years on, but who's counting ?

Today it's mine and Hubbie's 8th wedding anniversary. We're taking the boy to stay with my parents and we'll have a night away in a nice hotel with dinner and breakfast - bliss ! In the evening, after dinner, we'll be on air presenting our radio show so we'll be online chatting to listeners in the 'shout box' which is a live interaction with presenters during a show. It's not a conventional way to spend an anniversary, but it's pretty much perfect for us. I get to have a swim, Hubbie gets to go to the gym and we both get to be on the radio together.

So, if you will indulge me this is my post dedicated to celebrating the top 8 things about being married to Hubbie. To misquote Ross Geller from Friends: "One for every year I have been married to and loved him."

1. He's a key member of any pub quiz team with his extensive sports knowledge. Don't ask him about popular culture or pop music though, it will not end well ! 
2. He's taller than me - well let's face it most people are - so he's very handy for reaching things on high shelves. This isn't quite as dim as it sounds. Hubbie has a genuine aversion to DIY, but he does the 'manly' stuff around the house which means I don't have to :)
3. His incredible patience with my backseat driving. I'm always pressing an imaginary brake on my side and will advise him what not to do when driving despite the fact that he's much better than I am at driving long distances - I rule when it comes to city driving though.
4. Even when I doubt myself and my ability Hubbie wants me to do well and is ambitious for me. He's not jealous or competitive, but supportive and genuinely happy when things go well. 
5. The songs - oh the crazy made up songs. Even before we had our boy he used to make up silly songs for and about me. Mostly to the tunes of current hits, but often just out of the blue.
6. Despite wildly different musical tastes we often go to gigs together. I went with him to watch the Fall a few times and he's been to see Prince with me. There's a mutual respect if a bafflement at our respective choices of music. 
7. When we're together we share the stupidest jokes and puns. No one else would find us as entertaining as we do each other - and ourselves. 
8. He knows how to make things all better, whether it's finding a 'kunkarella' to make me laugh or reminding me that I don't like salmon and shouldn't order it in restaurants. 

So, here's to us and our quirky married life. If anyone needs me I'll be in the hot tub worrying about the cat being home alone.

How to stay married and (mostly) sane

It's the August Bank Holiday weekend and me and Hubbie are spending some 'quality time' together while our boy has a mini holiday with Grandma. We did it for the first time last year and despite it being really weird to not have our boy with us we did get used to it - eventually - and had a fab time. So much so that we've decided to do it again this year.

Hubbie pointed out the other day that we've been together ten years and it occurred to me that we must be doing something right. You see we're both on our second (and hopefully forever) marriage. We made some mistakes in our respective first marriages and we hope we've learned enough to not repeat them. We're by no means experts, nor are we saddoes who buy each other teddy bears declaring our mutual love all the time - when a friend suggested recently that we are quite lovey dovey I tried to work out where she had got that impression from and I still have no idea.

What I can do is tell you what I've found helps to keep marital harmony - or at least some semblance of sanity in an otherwise chaotic toddler management programme that we both seem to be entrapped within. I can't promise that these will work for everyone, but here are the main ones I can share:

Don't point out that the gaps (that are still growing) in the kitchen floor are a result of his shoddy work in plumbing in the washing machine. This caused flooding under the laminate boards and they've separated while drying out - and yes, I do realise the irony of mentioning this online. 

I've realised that it's not a good idea to try and hang anything from pictures to coats on hooks that Hubbie has put up. We know that DIY isn't his thing and it takes many attempts to put up hooks, etc and leaves the walls looking like an inefficient and short-sighted sniper has had a go at them.

Don't mention weight gain. This works both ways, of course, but especially as Hubbie's parents like to point out how big he is every time they see him (he's not). They know better than to say anything to me besides, 'have you lost weight ?' He does the classic, " you always look lovely to me," line, but is also honest if I ask him if a dress suits me or not. Honest in a way that won't get a vase thrown at his head, though, not in a, "did you wear that when you were pregnant ?" way.

When we were on holiday Hubbie set the TV in the gym to Radio 4 so I could listen to the Archers while I was on the surfboard thing that he told me about. This was while he took our boy off for a play so that I could have some 'me time.'

When we met I earned more than him and it never bothered him - it might not seem much, but some men don't take too well to that sort of thing. Now I don't earn anything and he's fine with that too - I'm not, but that's another story for another day.

I love dim sum, but Hubbie doesn't do 'communal food' that everyone dips into from the table. If I want to have dim sum I go out with my friends, but sometimes I will buy it from the big Chinese supermarket and make it at home so that he can enjoy dim sum without having to dip in with other people. Same applies to indian food like bhajis.

Shared interests: we present a radio show together - ok not everyone will do this, but Hubbie prepares the songs and does the pre-production and I do the on air production stuff like the desk and mics. We joke that it's the only time we talk to each other, but it genuinely is something we love to do together.

Having separate interests: I have no interest in sport whatsoever. I may have mentioned this before - many times. However, Hubbie takes the boy to football every week during the season and I do things that I like. I might go to a matinee or an exhibition or just go for a nice meal / afternoon tea with a friend.

When we were first dating we went out for dinner one evening and I wanted to order gnocchi, but they had run out. A few days later when I was at his place for dinner he made me gnocchi because he wanted to make me happy. I know, I know it's sappy, shut up it made me happy ok ?

Lastly - and this is either pathetic or romantic depending on what your take is. When we have a bowl of sharing food like prawn crackers or nacho chips or pretzels I eat all the broken ones so that he doesn't have to. I honestly think Hubbie has no idea that I do this. It's daft isn't it ? We both love to eat chocolate, but I don't do pralines so he eats all the ones I don't from a selection box.

Maybe my mantra for a successful marriage should be:

"Share the love, the music and the laughter, but eat the crumbs when he's not looking and he'll always make sure that nuts don't ruin your day."

Have a super bank holiday weekend :)

And matching glasses - natch :)

Seven Years Hitched

Dear Hubbie,

Yes I know it's a really bad play on words, but it wouldn't have made sense if I'd titled this post Some Like it Hot would it now ? (well maybe to some people, but you know I'm not about being cliquey). So today is our wedding anniversary - yes I know you've already fallen over in shock as I always mix up the date of our wedding with the date we went on honeymoon. It's an easy mistake though isn't it ?

Anyway, I digress. Seven years ago we were married in a civil ceremony at Chelsea Town Hall followed by a party with family and friends above a pub in Battersea. I know you know this, but I'm narrating for other readers so bear with me please. I wore a gold silk sari and you wore a very snazzy suit (as modelled by Bryan Ferry). We took photos on Battersea Bridge and I let the bath overrun in the lovely hotel in Paddington that we stayed in afterwards as we were too busy opening wedding cards from our lovely guests.

Since that day in 2006 a lot has changed, where we live, what we do, who we live with and much more besides. Here are seven of the highlights (one for each year - naturally):

1. When we bought our first house we spent months working on it and learned that when DIYing we have to be doing separate projects in order to preserve our sanity. I'm not joking when I tell people that we nearly got divorced putting down the kitchen flooring. It was worth it for the laughs over cheap pizza and Weatherspoons breakfasts though.

2. Going to Battersea Cats & Dogs home to choose Neo as our newest family member was brilliant. You made up your mind as soon as you opened the door to the cattery and he wandered up to you to say "hello." He was one of us from that day forth and it's thanks to you that he is.

3. When we were told that it was unlikely we'd have children we sat in the corridor of the hospital for what seemed hours crying and holding each other. It felt like the worst pain in the world and could have broken us. It didn't, it made us stronger. We're still here.

4. On your first visit to India my late Naniji was delighted at your shared love of cricket and I was amazed at how the two of you would sit watching TV together, communicating despite your lack of Punjabi and her limited English. She adored your love of trains too and when asked by my Mum she said, 'Of course he's one of us - he's Indian.' High praise indeed ! 

5. I'm glad that when we're on holiday we've always enjoyed spending all our time together - mostly thanks to your laid back approach if I'm honest. It was you who taught me that Rome will still be there even if we don't visit the Coliseum in the morning. Another hour in bed is fine, we are on holiday after all.

6. When our son was being born, things were going wrong and you were incredible. You had family calling you to ask what was going on and you had doctors telling you that you might lose your wife and son. That was a lot of stress all at once on the back of no sleep for more than a day. I had no idea, because to me you were a picture of calm and joy when our boy was delivered safe and perfect. 

7. Our son has your cheeky sense of humour and I love how he enjoys making people smile - just like Daddy. Eventually he will, no doubt, develop sarcasm too. He's hilarious and clever and looks like you. We did that :o) 

So that's my top seven. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been totally worth it. Being married is more than 'just a piece of paper' to us. We work at our relationship and sometimes we work harder than seems fair. Other times we laugh until I can't breathe and I have tears rolling down my face and you think that's even funnier than the thing that made me laugh in the first place. 

Happy Anniversary - I love you :o) 

Listen to His & Hers: The Seven Year (H)itch - our new show featuring songs we've chosen to celebrate our anniversary on Fri 25th Oct 9pm-10pm at www.croydonradio.com or as a podcast from Sat 26th Oct. 

Motherhood = fewer shoes, but more goodie bags and glitter.

We survived !

Twelve toddlers, a gazebo that kept threatening to overturn in the wind and so much noise that the cat hid upstairs on his beanbag all afternoon. He only emerged after everyone had left to ask for his dinner. The main thing, though, is that we all made it out alive. No toddlers were harmed, the food was eaten and the drinks consumed. Every child found some treasure in the 'woods' at the end of the garden and they all got a goodie bag to take home as all the contents arrived in time. Then today our boy's birthday card was shown on Cbeebies after three years of trying. I'm expecting a damehood at the very least for awesome Mumming !

Seriously though I was so proud of my boy on Sunday. As each of his friends arrived he spotted them, came over and greeted them with a cheery, "Hello, thank you for my present, come and play" and took them over to the garden area where we'd set out games and playground toys for them all. At points Hubbie spotted the boy having intense conversations with his nursery pals in a mini version of the adult scenario at the other end of the garden. As all his pals left he handed them a goody bag, thanked them for coming and as his head started to droop on Hubbie's shoulder we could see he was as worn out as we were. My little party animal.

On how far we have come.

My boy is three today. At one point we weren't sure we'd ever have a child of our own. Then we weren't sure we'd ever get to adopt a family of our own. Then this miracle happened and we found out we were having a baby. Then we had a scan and found out we were having a boy. Then we were so close to meeting him and then worried that after all of it we weren't going to. Finally at 2.20pm on the 30th of September 2010 (a full two weeks late) our boy finally arrived and my heart skipped a beat.

There is a saying that when a baby is born a mother is also born (and a father of course). When I watch my boy putting his own pyjamas on, taking off his trainers by himself and giving all the family double kisses 'continental style' I see how far he has come since he was born. I'm also now - as we emerge from the fog of early parenting - starting to see how far I have come too.

• I have learned more about biology and medicine than I ever knew. Yes, Mum and Dad I'm almost as qualified as a doctor (probably not quite as qualified as Dr Ranj though). 

• My shoe cupboard hasn't been opened in three years - well four actually as I stopped wearing heels while pregnant. I used to get called Imelda due to my love of shoes, I now wear Fit Flops or trainers pretty much all the time. 

• Hubbie and I consider going out for dinner or to a gig a big deal due to the effort required to actually leave the house. It's made us truly appreciate our time together. 

• We've also impressed our boy (and a few of the other nursery parents) with our radio show - that makes us pretty cool parents doesn't it ?

Happy Birthday to my darling boy. 

No shoes compare with the joy of being your Mum. Well, maybe...

I heart happiness

This evening I was walking behind a woman who was wearing a polka dot coat and asked her where she'd got it from. She was flattered that I'd asked and it made her smile. I often ask women who are wearing something that looks beautiful where they got it and it's nearly always a coat. At this point my friend Bee is rolling her eyes at the ceiling as she was the first person to voice (to me anyway) that I own far more coats than is strictly necessary when I said - pointedly - that Buffy the vampire slayer wore a different coat almost every episode.

Anyway, I digress, from the topic of happiness and in particular two things that happened today that have made me happy:

Firstly my lovely friend Carole posted a piece from the Metro newspaper about Liz Jones - you know her, spitting invective weekly and last year she mocked this blog to demonstrate why Mummy bloggers are rubbish and she didn't even give me credit if you please ! Anyway, she appears to have changed her mind about her arch enemies ie. other women. Apparently she's realised that the best life choice to make as a woman in order to be happy is to be a housewife who works part time and blogs, so yay me !!

Secondly I was at a local community police meeting that I attend and found out that the sergeant of our local team has had to reapply for his job and was given his fourth choice of location. This means he will no longer be based locally to me and I won't have to deal with him any more. I have always found him rude and unhelpful when members of the community have tried to ask for help or advice so him not being there any more is a big win for me. I didn't wish him gone, but the fact that he will be is not making me unhappy.

So Karma is being nice to me right now and I feel I should pass on the happiness to others. Not least as I finished the anger management course this week so I feel equipped to impart some knowledge that I've gained to help improve relationships and restore harmony in your family:

Find your love language. So work out if you prefer a hug as a sign of love or do you like being told you are loved ? Do you prefer gifts or to do nice things for your loved one ? Identifying your own love language and that of those who you love will make for happier relationships and possibly even some nice jewellery !  

Give lots of praise instead of concentrating on what's gone wrong. So instead of saying, "I am very cross that you didn't bring the wheelie bin into the back garden last night," it is better and healthier to express it thus, "well done for noticing that the wheelie bin makes a decorative feature outside the front door all night."

My favourite was learning how to use "I" statements to avert a confrontation. The idea is that instead of saying. "you always…" or "you never…" the approach to take is to make statements that follow this format. "I feel..." When you... Next time please…" so translating this into my own experience instead of saying, "pick your socks up off the floor or I'll stab you." it would be more productive and positive for my marriage to say, "I feel like stabbing you when you leave your socks on the floor. Next time please pick them up or I'll stab you. Please."

I just need to find a suitable love language and some "I" statements for the world's bossiest pilates teacher who taught me last week. I felt like I'd been assaulted by a small skinny drill sergeant with a high pitched voice and who was a bit 'handsie' with her adjustments. I did also, however, feel like I'd worked really hard afterwards and ached in what I am choosing to believe is a good way.

Now that I've got my groove back I'm also going back to teaching yoga and am looking for a local ashtanga vinyasa class as I feel up to going back to a more energetic form of yoga.

See even being ordered around by a bendy woman isn't going to annoy me this week :o) 

If I could turn back time… I probably wouldn't

I went to a work reunion this evening in Putney with colleagues I knew more than 12 years ago. It was a workplace where I genuinely knew other people's business and even though it was a large charity based on two separate sites I knew people in every department by the time I left. Part of this is because of my natural nosiness and part of it is because I was there at a significant time in my life.

• Shortly after I joined VSO I got married to my first husband. 
• Not long after that I left my first husband. 
• I moved back in with my parents, lost weight and cut my hair short - first the "Rachel" then proper short.
• Celebrated my 30th birthday on the London Eye with some of my colleagues invited. 
• My doomed infatuation with "Sid" who worked on the floor below and cycled to work - what was it about men from the North East with long dark hair ? 

In fact we were both fresh from bad break ups - he'd just separated from 'Mandy' and she took the kettle. I'd left and taken the iron even though I don't actually do ironing.

Maybe it's because I had so much turmoil in my personal life that I knew so much about my colleagues' lives ? Here's a representative sample: 

• The lovely lady with two young sons whose husband walked out leaving her and the boys.
• The soft spoken woman who had a bleed on the brain
• The man whose ambition was to drive Route 66, but had to pass his driving test first 

This morning I panicked when I realised that my hair really desperately needed a wash and I couldn't do it today. What if "Sid" was there ? I had no expectation that he would be or that he'd even know who I was any more. More to the point I am happily married so it really wouldn't matter. He wasn't there.

I left early as I'd spoken to the friend I wanted to see the most, but also because I kept having flashbacks. Evenings spent drinking wine and eating crisps in the Coat and Badge pub until very late. Sitting in dark corners wondering if "Sid" and I would ever progress from pub talk to dinner (we did) from dinner to dating (we didn't).

Still nostalgia is nice isn't it ?  

Rainy days and other parenting nightmares.

Kate Winslet is pregnant with her third child and most papers ran the same rehashed press release to announce the 'news.' One newspaper, however, went with a story commenting on the fact that the actress already has two children with different fathers and the writer makes snooty remarks about how you're 'supposed' to get married once and have all your children with the one partner. It refers to her being in danger of 'doing an Ulrika' and having four children all with different fathers if she's not careful. I'm not sure who made these rules or who decided that it was a journalist who should be the one to enforce them as last time I looked the media and the press in particular were on shaky ground regarding ethics and morality (phone hacking anyone ?)

What is sadder about this is the supposition that Kate has somehow decided to have consecutive marriages and to have children with different fathers. I don't know anyone who goes into a relationship thinking it is going to fail, much less a marriage and kids. Surely our expectations when meeting someone and falling for them is that we will be together for a long time. I grew up in a family that did not approve of having girlfriends and boyfriends. It was considered inappropriate to have relationships before marriage and sex outside marriage was a complete taboo. Hubbie was raised differently and his first wife was the girlfriend he'd been seeing since he was 16. Our relationship histories are completely different and yet the outcomes have been exactly the same. We both got married in our twenties and were divorced by the time we were in our thirties.

In retrospect both Hubbie and I can see clearly why our first marriages didn't work, but at the time we didn't go into them thinking they would go wrong. In the same way neither of us had children with our first partners, but that could be as much dumb luck as design. Having to keep in touch with someone you broke up with for the sake of the children cannot be easy and I have lost count of the times when a friend has been let down by the other parent. One friend was frustrated by the father of her son announcing he wasn't going to be able to take him that weekend as arranged. She had already made plans for the weekend, but instead of making alternative arrangements as he should have done he expected her to sort it out. In another instance a friend has raised her daughter for 12 years with the father seeing his daughter every other weekend. Now that she is almost 12 the daughter has decided to live with her father instead and this has left my friend distraught and feeling like a failure for not being 'good enough' - sound familiar ?

Not all separated parents have issues of course. Another friend is in a relationship with a man whose daughter from his previous relationship stays with them every other weekend and in the holidays. They have another son and the family arrangement works for all of them including the ex and the dog.

The sheer mechanics of ensuring that parents have equal access to the children would be enough to put anyone off having serial relationships. If you were an international jet-setting film star and the fathers of your children lived on different continents wouldn't that make it difficult to plan visits and weekends ?

We had planned a visit to Peppa Pig World today with our son and his Grandma and when we woke up it was pouring with rain and hasn't stopped since. Sometimes things happen that you weren't expecting and that you hadn't planned for. You don't stop hoping it's going to get better or give up looking for the sunshine and happiness do you ?

I'm sure Kate is just like the rest of us in hoping for the best and doing the best she can.

The Seven Year Stitch

Hubbie and I present a radio show together that we joke is the only time we actually talk to each other. While that's not strictly true it has reminded us how much we enjoy each other's company. Today he made me laugh so much I had to turn my mic down and let him carry on introducing my song. It was a ridiculous comment about a horse called Hoof Hearted and it had me in stitches and crying with laughter, silly I know.

We've been married for seven years this year - having both had starter marriages as practice - which in celebrity marriage terms is a lifetime. I always forget the date we got married, but I remember birthdays and other celebration days so I don't feel too bad. In fact we kid around that we have reversed the traditional roles as he irons his own shirts and I refuse to read instructions. It works for us.

In our early dating days we went on holiday to California and took a road trip from San Francisco to Las Vegas (via Los Angeles). We spent 24 hours a day together and a lot of time in a car driving. Well he drove, I mostly handed him sweets and pointed at the ocean. At no point did we argue or fall out and we always managed to agree on where to eat and what to do with a minimum of fuss. I put this down to him being easy going more than any positive qualities on my part.

When we were told it was unlikely that we would be able to have a baby we sat and cried for what felt like hours on chairs in the fertility clinic feeling bereft and empty. Every day after that I would phone him at work with some new plan I'd concocted to enable us to have the family we so desperately wanted. One day I called him while I was sitting under a dryer at the hairdressers to tell him I wanted to adopt one of the 11 million abandoned baby girls from India that I'd just read about. He said "Ok."

I asked him if we could go ahead and adopt in this country and he said "yes." We were assessed and verbally prodded and poked for months until we were approved by a panel of 13 strangers as suitable to be parents. Then we waited, and waited, and waited a bit more. It occurred to me that we had given up trying to get pregnant and it had to be worth a try. I suggested that in addition to all the dietary changes we'd made and the weight loss and the yoga we should also try acupuncture or reflexology. He is terrified of needles, but he said "Yes."

On a plane to India I watched Juno and cried and cried and cried. Then he watched it and he cried too. We watched Gavin & Stacey struggle to have a family and cried and cried and cried. We tried to get used to the idea that we would neither adopt, nor have a baby of our own. We went on holiday and remembered why we were together in the first place. Then on the day that I found out I was pregnant he responded joyfully "My balls work !"

As I type this Hubbie is out watching My Bloody Valentine with a friend. He loves their music, I don't. On Sunday I will be taking a flying lesson that he bought me as a present - I am terrified, but you have to love the thought. The other day he told me I looked hot in my skinny jeans - unprompted !

So for all the times that Hubbie has said, "yes" or "ok" or "if you like" to make me happy I am posting this as I know it will make him happy.