A feminist, an adopter, a radio presenter, an equality advisor and mum to boys.
I swim, play music, write stuff and have ambitions to declutter my home.
Now that both boys are at school I find that they are always ravenous when I pick them up at the end of the day. As a result I need a supply of portable snacks that I can take for them to have on the way home. We've made a strict rule that they can't have sugary snacks during the week and I want them to feel satisfied, but not so full that it spoils their dinner.
We were asked to try these new Ape snacks - moreish bite-sized pieces of coconut that pack as much punch in taste as they do in texture. They are something different and offer a change from crisps or rice cakes. The range offers mouth-watering and satisfying treats that don’t compromise on taste. Ape Snacks is available in two variants – Crispy Coconut Curls and Crunchy Coconut Bites. All nibbles are gluten free, sugar free and high in fibre, making them the ideal snack for any time you’re feeling a little peckish.
tasty flavours too
As you can see there is an extensive range of flavours with the Ape Curls are available in Lightly Salted, Slightly Peppered and Salted Chocolate variants, whilst the Bites come in scrumptious Natural, Chia Seed, and Sesame Seed flavours. All natural and suitable for vegans, the Ape Snack’s range is low in calories and high in taste. I'd keep these as a treat for the boys or a post-gym or afternoon treat for me with a cuppa.
Ape’s coconut snacks are available from Boots, Ocado, Whole Foods, Planet Organic, Amazon and Holland & Barrett, amongst other leading retailers. RSP for the Crunchy Coconut Bites is between £1.49 and £1.68 for 30g standing pouch, and between £0.89 and £1.19 or a 20g bag of Crispy Coconut Curls.
I often take fruit based snacks for the boys to have after sports or school. An actual piece of fruit is always good, but a these pouches of Go go squeez offer a great fun way to enjoy fruit. Each pouch contains 100% fruit and the varieties include apple, strawberry and mango - all of which my boys love to eat. The yoghurt varieties have another distinct advantage for me which is they don't need to be kept in the fridge. Once opened they should be refrigerated, but to be honest my boys wouldn't leave any to be stored for later.
yes it's 100% fruit
no fridge - whoop whoop !
The pouches are just the right size and the propeller style lid is quirky and cute. On a practical level it is easier for children to open and looks like a good shape to prevent choking - which is a serious consideration if you're going to put these in packed lunches. The brand started in North America as 'applesauce' - which is big over there. I think it will do well here and we are certainly going to pack some into our travel bags when we go on holiday as a plane snack to help the boys if their ears pop on ascent.
cute and practical lid
Disclosure: The lovely folks at Ape and Go Go Squeez sent us some delicious snacks to try.
Years ago when I wrote reviews for the uni newspaper the best thing was the amount of time I spent at the theatre or cinema seeing shows and movies. I knew how lucky I was and now I'm able to share this luck with my sons (and their friends) when we get invited to fantastic productions for families with children.
Pokemon Movie: I Choose You - Nationwide release
On Friday evening I took Brown Bear to watch the new Pokemon Movie: I Choose You with two friends from school. He's not a Pokemon officianado so it was interesting to see what he made of it as a first timer. It helps that the film is the origin story of how Pikachu and his trainer Ash met and became friends. I liked that fact that it starts at the beginning and explains who they are and what the Pokemon world is about. There were a lot of well informed people in the audience whose reactions to scenes suggested they have a history with the characters that gave them a deeper insight into the story than we had.
Brown Bear and his friends loved the trading card games they got before the film and the Poke ball with mini figure was a bit hit. It was certainly an exciting story with lots of positve themes about friendship, loyalty and a big helping of magic. They boys didn't stop talking about it on the way home or the next day with the oldest comparing it with the resurrection story. It is an epic tale and the storytelling is engaging.
Watch the trailer below to see what you can expect when it opens in cinemas on the 4th November.
The Hunting of the Snark - Churchill Theatre Bromley
The Churchill Theatre in Bromley is one of my regular venues to see shows and I particularly like taking my boys. It's closer to home than the West End, they serve slushies (which Brown Bear is a big fan of) and the boys really enjoy the shows they have seen there. Churchill have a great programme of family friendly shows including the upcoming production of Hunting of the Snark. Based on the poem by Lewis Carroll this production was a huge success when it premiered in Cardiff, has been on tour to Hong Kong and comes to Bromley on Sunday 5th November.
The Boy, The Banker, The Butcher, The Baker, The Bellman and The Knitting Beaver set off on a journey to search for the mythical Snark. On their subsequent adventure they meet the Jub Jub Bird, the Bandersnatch and the dasterdly Boojum. It's a wild ride with witty songs, high energy performers, puppetry, witty songs and plent of daft humour.
We can't wait to see the show which promises: All aboard ! The ship is departing ! All children, animals and silly people welcome !
Tickets for The Hunting of the Snark are available from: Box office
I think of myself as the hardcore parent in our family. The one who lays down the law, sets boundaries and follows through with consequences. However, this week I've seen this challenged and I feel a bit deflated. Brown Bear has surpassed his usual levels of self-importance and taken to just completely ignoring me. Blue Bear, however, has been with a childminder who told me he is a 'real pleasure to look after.' He has been playing with older children and growing in confidence by the day. When I got him ready to have a bath last night he told me he could take off his t-shirt by himself and demonstrated very ably. Brown Bear, however, spent more time just doing his own thing and searching for TV programmes I'd asked him not to watch. By the time we all woke up this morning he was overtired and grumpy. As a result I was too.
I don't do well when I'm tired. I shout even more than usual and make ever escalating and insane threats. By the time I dropped him off at half term camp at 9am I had taken away the chance of going to McDonald's ever again, given all of his birthday presents to charity and banned all of his favourite programmes. It wasn't my best day. I came home from dropping both boys off and had something to eat. I felt better. If I'm running on empty I can't do this. It's not rocket science, I know, but sometimes it feels like I just don't know anything.
Talking to another parent yesterday afternoon after a day spent with 'not my children' doing fun outdoor activities I wondered if my expectations of my children are too much. Maybe it's enough that they are happy, vibrant, funny and independent. It doesn't follow that they will also be good listeners, tidy or able to be together without duffing each other up. I have to get past thinking that everyone is looking at me and thinking, "wow she's so useless, her kids just don't sit still and listen."
Today has been a low point. I've shouted, misdirected my anger and broken down in tears. I've also upped my dosage in order to deal with my own emotional state. It might not help, but it can't make things any worse. I need to have something other than this anger and feeling of uselessness. Being mum is just not enough right now. I'm sorry.
A programme last night has sparked animated conversations about the mutual benefits of older people and small children spending time together. In the TV documentary nursery children visited people in a care home. It's a social model that has been adopted in other countries where in some places nurseries have been located inside nursing homes so that the older residents spend time with the children every day. The thing about this that fascinates me is why anyone should be surprised by the outcomes of such an experiment.
I've had conversations recently with a number of people who are caring for elderly relatives / parents. The overriding issue they worry about is leaving an older person alone for fear they might fall or the cost of the care they need. The question I always ask is, "Is s/he happy ?" Older people experience all the emotions they always have, but for some reason they are treated as errant children for being angry or upset or for not wanting to 'join in.' You see loneliness is the one thing we feel so uncomfortable both talking about and dealing with. Equally when I suggested that my friend's parent might be feeling depressed (in as kind a way as possible I'm not a monster) I hoped it was helpful rather than another thing to feel guilty about not knowing. It's difficult to see our own parents changed or weakened by age. Taking responsibility for their happiness is even scarier.
When we first moved into this house Brown Bear was one year old and our retired neighbours P and J loved seeing him and watching him grow. They would invite us to play in their garden and enjoyed his company and P often commented with great surprise at the new developments in my boy's language or abilites. As P's cancer progressed and he spent more time in hospital we saw less of him, but he still looked forward to seeing Brown Bear and J would pass on that he'd raised a smile when he heard our boy chattering away. My greatest worry when P passed away was that J would be lonely. As it happened all of her friends and family rallied round and kept her busy with holidays, invitations to dinner and weekends away. This is still the case 5 years later.
We have a wonderful relationship with J and she is a self-styled, 'spare granny' to the boys and they fight over who will go to her house for a 'playdate.' Blue Bear goes in, takes off his shoes and plonks himself down on her armchair - he loves keeping her company. Brown Bear will usually take something to do, either a game or a book so he can read to her. For a time I worried that this was too much to ask of her, but then I noticed that she really enjoyed being with the boys. Some days we invite her to join us for a visit to the park or for lunch or even just a trip to Ikea. One thing I did notice was she wasn't hearing so well and she joked with me about it. I decided to mention it quietly to her daughter-in-law as I was getting worried and didn't want to cause concern, but thought it best they knew.
The thing about intergenerational socialising is how unforced it is. I have seen how the most curmudgeonly of old men (thinking of no ones father-in-law in particular *cough*) answer a toy phone when handed it by a small child. My boys regularly charm older people as they help me with the shopping and I will strike up a conversation with someone because they are talking to the boys. To be honest my friend's idea of opening up nurseries so that women can go in and hold babies to reduce stress starts to sound really sensible. That is if it wasn't so unethical and, you know, mad. Don't challenge me on why only women, it's not my idea I'm just sharing.
Being around young children has given a boost to my parents and in-laws. As grandparents they have found a joy in being around these small noisy people who demand and bicker and fight and generally bring disorder into their lives. I've seen my father play football in the garden with this 3 grandsons when he's usually stuck to his armchair pretty much all day. I've watched my father-in-law sit and patiently build a toy aeroplane because of the plaintive cry of, "help me Grandpa," from Brown Bear. The boys go and visit their grandparents and stay over without us which is something I never did as my grandmother was in India so I saw her rarely. I was very close to her though and loved her company when I did visit. Hubbie stayed with his grandparents when he was a child so he was very close to them and I'm so glad our boys get to do the same.
My boys have a great relationship and respect for people borne of their contact with family and friends who are older. I hope this stays with them as they grow up.
I grew up in a family that didn't take holidays. If my mum was able to save up she would book a caravan for a few days in North Wales or Devon. We'd be driving all day with nothing to do in the car and would always arrive late (usually in the dark) and would pretty much all complain the whole time. I consider holidays with my kids now to be my karmic reward for this. When we go away I pack the car, arrange for someone to feed Neo and Hubbie charges up the kids' devices so they are busy during the journey. We always leave early to get to our destination during the day and try to get the boys settled as quickly as possible. Once we've located the nearest play area I can unpack and put on the kettle.
The last time we went way was at Christmas and the boys were a nightmare. They argued and fussed all day every day and it was just horrible. At one point I told Hubbie to just get the train back home as his complaining was almost as bad as they boys' behaviour. He stuck it out and we had a miserable time. So what possessed me to book to go away again ?
Well, I noticed that all the families at my son's school have plans for the summer and they pretty much all involve going abroad. We don't take the kids abroad yet, but we do try and get away for at least a week over the summer. In the last few years we've been going to Cornwall because it's so beautiful and there is so much to see and do. There are places we all love to visit like Lappa Valley and then the Eden Project which I am a massive fan of and I bribe the boys to go to with the promise of a pasty for Hubbie and big slabs of homemade cake for the boys.
We're staying a lovely cottage in a part of Cornwall we've not been to before. Yesterday we went to a beautiful fishing village then spent the scorching afternoon on a beach with they boys paddling in the sea and then playing in the sand. It was pretty much what I had hoped for. There are young children living here who knock on the door to play with the boys and yesterday when we got back from the beach they had a paddling pool out so our boys jumped in with them and had a great time before dinner.
They woke up this morning and were playing and mucking about together - which is great, ast least we don't have to supervise them every moment. I got them to sit for breakfast and put some bacon under the grill for Hubbie. I had managed to cut the bread using the bluntest knife since those kids' knives you get in Ikea and made myself a tea. Hubbie took the bread I'd hacked for my breakfast and I eventually sat down to a stone cold cup of tea, mostly burnt toast and a not quite cooked egg - yummy !
We used to have holidays that involved drinking on the plane and staying in bed until we wanted to get up. Breakfast made by someone else. Lunch with cocktails or wine. Dressing up to go out in the evening. Tours and walks in the local area and not a play park in sight. I rarely visited a supermarket for cereal, plasters or colouring pencils. Everyone keeps telling me, "they're not young for long," or, "enjoy it," and my personal favourite, "It gets worse when they are older." Oh joy.
Well. I've got to pack a coolbag with drinks and snacks so they don't have to go any length of time without consuming something. They will still insist on buying something to eat anyway. Probably ice cream. Oh well we are on holiday I suppose.
Yesterday when Brown Bear was dressing for school he was insisting he wanted to wear shorts and I told him it was far too cold. He reluctantly wore long trousers and I felt vindicated by the grim weather as I dropped him off at the playground. Then later in the morning it was glorious sunshine and I felt guilty so I took his shorts to school and left them with the school office so he could change into them at break-time. I picked up Blue Bear and took a snack for both boys to eat on the way home from the second pick up. Between the time we got home and left for Beavers Brown Bear barked orders at me ranging from, "toast and jam," "beans on toast," "a glass of water," and "pudding." There may have a been a please or two in there if I'm being generous.
I had planned to drop Blue Bear with a neighbour while I took Brown Bear to Beavers as Hubbie wouldn't be home yet. Then he got home early and Brown Bear cheered, "Daddy, I want you to take me to Beavers." When we explained that I was doing it he whined, "Oh I don't want Mummy to take me." Through gritted teeth I explained that I had already made plans to do it and that was that. I had also asked another parent to pick him up so I could go to hear Dr Aric Sigman (remember him from Saturday morning TV where he was an 'agony uncle' answering questions from kids ?) giving a talk about managing screen time. Oh the irony having just plonked my boys in front of the TV as soon as they got home so that I could do the to-ing and fro-ing between the front room and kitchen that is my post-school routine. It was a very good talk so I'll tell you about that another time.
I asked Hubbie a while back if he could help me out as I was offered a paid gig today that meant I needed help with picking up the boys from school and nursery. Before leaving the house this morning I made a lunch for Blue Bear, packed both a school backpack and swimming kit for Brown Bear, a change of clothes for Brown Bear to have after swimming, left an after school snack on the counter and put a washing load in and started to empty the dishwasher. As I left this morning Hubbie was waiting in for the locksmith - I had called the guy having waited for a few months for it to happen by magic and when it didn't I took decisive action. If only I had done the same thing previously we wouldn't now be looking at a £400 bill to repaper the hallway which has water damage and I don't know how much to replace the wooden floor thanks to a DIY disaster. Still, we live and learn.
The mums meet for coffee sometimes and as I had Hubbie at home today I thought I'd join them for a change. We did the Blue Bear handover so he could take him to pre-school and even though I didn't have anything it was nice to sit and chat for a while with other grown ups. I was out for the rest of they day so when I called Hubbie to remind him what I'd left him for lunch I also asked if he could put on the washing machine and run the vacuum around the front room. He did that big intake of breath that he always does when I ask for a 'favour' - thank goodness I wasn't there to also witness the eyeroll that accompanies it - but said "Ok." Feeling ever so 'umble I went about my day.
When I rang later to ask how things were going I could hear the boys yelling in the background - as per. I had intended to stop on the way home and maybe pick up a few bits from the shops, but it sounded like bedlam so I went straight home. As soon as I walked in Brown Bear started demanding dinner. Well forgive me for not having your meal ready within seconds of arriving inside the house Little Lord Fauntleroy. As I took out the pasta from the fridge he had a tantrum because he'd had pasta for lunch. Well silly me what was I thinking ? Hubbie was nowhere to be seen. Of course as soon as I got in the door that must mean he's off the clock now ? A quick change of dinner plan saw the boys fed and a bit less stressed, then I emptied the dishwasher - which I hadn't finished doing this morning. I hung up the washing, went back to the cup of tea I had started making earlier and I made a start on our dinner before going out to another meeting. I popped the tea into the microwave - shuttup, it was an emergency - and put it into a travel cup to drink on the way.
I know receiving appreciation as a stay at home parent is as likely as a unicorn picking up it's own poo, but seriously when did I become a second class citizen in my family ? This nothing person who does the invisible tasks so that clothes miraculously appear when needed, meals are rapidly changed to suit just expressed preferences, lunches are there without any effort on the part of the consumer and the house for some reason isn't under a pile of smelly garbage.
When did it become ok to give no status to the person who keeps things ticking over ? Why does that go to the guy who gets to be with other adults all day every day and whose meals aren't mostly an afterthought or often leftovers ? The one who probably gets to pee when he wants to and who doesn't have to explain to anyone where he is going if he leaves the room instead of being a referee / sofa cushion / punching bag.
How on earth can I expect to ever go back to work if I can't even get respect for what I'm doing now ? I've advised companies on how to achieve equality in the workplace and I can't even achieve it in my own home. I'd think twice before advising any other woman to be a stay at home parent. In all honesty it's a poisoned chalice. I consider myself lucky to have a partner who does his share, but why do I also have to take the eye rolls, the 'asking permission' and frankly the low status that comes with being the day-to-day parent ? I used to earn more than him, I worked harder and I was worth something. Now I'm working for two small tyrants (three if you include the cat) and my business partner is more like a silent partner.
This morning I slept in. I'd had a very late night on Thursday evening and it was still catching up with me so I stayed in bed. By the time I was anything like conscious the boys had been up for hours, but Hubbie was with them so they were fine. I don't usually lie in, but today I needed it and I've been realising how much it matters that I take care of myself instead of running on empty all the time.
If I'm not able to clean the house it's not the end of the world. Ok it might be a health hazard if it goes on too long, but frankly I'm onto it before then.
If the washing doesn't get done it might mean Hubbie having to go to work in a dark blue shirt instead of a white one, but it's alright.
If I forget to get food in for dinner there will be some grumbling, but to be honest the cupboards are pretty well stocked so we're not going hungry any time soon.
If I don't feed the cat.. Ok bad example. Neo would never let me forget it if I didn't feed him. The miaowing is loud enough to alert emergency services in the next county.
If I can't get out of bed because I'm so tired, or I can't bring myself to take the kids to school in case I'm seen or have to talk to someone that's a problem.
If I don't feed myself properly I'm grumpy and not at my best. This in turn means I'm impatient and unkind to my children and that's not fair on them.
If I'm not feeling up to it and don't want to parent today, well that's just not an option.
I still have to.
It's not like I can just say, "I'm done now thanks. I'm taking a break from being a parent and I'll be back when I feel rested and well again."
I'm not talking about that normal level of sleep deprivation that leaves you unable to work out if you've brushed your teeth yet today or if your shoes really are a different colour or it's just the light at that time of the morning. Nor do I mean that forgetfulness that occurs when you're preoccupied with getting a small person ready and can't fathom those tiny poppers under the nappy. Not even the expected boredom of spending entire days in the company of either children or people with children and discussing nothing more taxing than when to wean and if it's ok to let them watch TV and eat McDonalds (yes it is - don't be a knob).
What I do mean is a debilitating form of depression that takes over when you're not looking. That takes over until it seems 'normal' to feel nothing. To barely function, but to find joy in nothing. To count the time until the kids will be home or go to bed. To close the kitchen door rather than listen to them plead for you to sit with them even for a moment.
Impatience with even the smallest infraction. A dropped rice krispie or a t shirt left on the floor is the cause of an almighty tantrum. Me, not them. They look perplexed, but as luck would have it they are pretty resilient little boys. Blue Bear always greets me with a massive smile and gives the best cuddles. Brown Bear helped me in the garden this evening and took great pride and care when I showed him how to use the shears safely. It was even better when we agreed he could have some pocket money for being so helpful.
I've realised that being there for my boys is the most important thing. They don't judge me for being snappy or for making the same meal as they had yesterday, or for how I dress at school drop off. Brown Bear likes me to sit with him to watch TV and says, "Mummy put your arm round me." Blue Bear calls me over when he's building track and says, "Mummy help me." It's simple enough isn't it ?
Sleeping in might not fix everything, but it's a good start.
In the last 24 hours I've seen this article posted on both Facebook and Whatsapp. It's an article by 'parenting guru' John Rosemond - a family psychologist who has written a lot of parenting guides and encourages raising 'obedient children.' This article is an attempt to rethink how we place children in the role of the most important members of our family. Rosemond argues that parents are the important ones who keep children safe and without whom there would be no family at all. When I first read it I felt quite sad as it reminded me of how I was parented. As children we had low to no status in the family and respect was conferred on elders regardless of whether or not they deserved it. As a result I parent my children more with consent than enforcement. It is not easy. At times I would prefer it if I just told them to do something and they did it, however, I'm not like that. It means I get frustrated at repeating myself, but it also means I get to enjoy my boys' hilarious personalities too.
I'm not especially confident in my parenting. I am, however, the mum they have and I have to trust that what I'm doing is the best I can. I don't always get it right, but I am human. If I could read a manual to make them behave better would I ? Hmm, I'm not sure really. There is a lot to be said for giving my children space to have feelings, to get angry, to be stubborn, to be happy and most of all to love others.
This is all on my mind at the moment because today I visited a project for vulnerable young people and it saddened me to hear how many of them no longer talk to their families. Yesterday morning Brown Bear told me he will visit me when he is older. I said, "but you're going to live with me forever aren't you ?" He smiled at me in a pitying way and said, "No Mummy, I can't always live with you, but I will visit you every week. " I'll take that.
The other reason it's on my mind is because in the run up to Mother's Day I'm aware that some people can't or won't be with their mothers. In a society where we claim to hold mothers in such high regard why is it reduced to mugs with twee phrases on and overpriced boxes of chocolate ? The other morning Brown Bear left his bowl on the table after breakfast so I said, "Your butler isn't here today." "What's a but Mummy ?" "A butler is someone who does what your mother does, only they get paid for it." Still I'm looking forward to breakfast in bed, a box of lemon only fondant fancies and a day out without my children. I think Rosemond would appove.
It's not a matter of public record, but I am a big fan of the Archers. It was while discussing this shared interest that the topic of the RDA (Riding for the Disabled Association) came about. You see while the Archers storylines often feature horses and stables there is no mention of any riding by or for disabled people. It was this in mind that I was delighted to be invited by Comic Relief to visit a project they fund, East Park Riding for the Disabled Group in Surrey.
I met Sally who runs the riding school with her husband and daughter and the invaluable help of 80 volunteers. The riding school is a registered charity and they fundraise in order to provide the lessons at a subsidised cost for the children. Parents make a contribution towards the lessons and the school offers extraordinary support. The instructors and volunteers have expectations of the children and their abilities. This is not a case of putting a child on a pony and walking them round a bit. They work towards assessments and take part in competitions. Some children are able to concentrate here where they struggle at school and the teacher has noticed that one child who often needs time out in the classroom has been a lot calmer when attending East Park.
The hat and boot room
As the children put on their riding hats and boots the ponies are led in and walked around. Then each child goes up one in turn to check the bridle and show they know how to take care of their pony. On the morning I went it was Michael's first riding lesson and his pony came up to say hello before the lesson started. Michael chatters incessantly, he is a twin and has a range of special needs. He was very excited about riding for the first time. I also met a girl who a year ago was fully sighted and has now lost almost all of her sight. It has been a life changing experience that has taken away her confidence. Another child has been in and out of school having chemotherapy treatment. It is hoped that riding will help all these children overcome their fears and anxieties as well as being great fun.
Michael meets one of the ponies before his first lesson
There were two lessons while I was there both with children from the same mainstream school. The children who attend have a wide range of different abilities including special needs and visual impairment and they all look forward to their weekly riding lesson. I observed how calm they were, the attention they paid to instructions and how they undertook specific exercises to encourage movement and co-ordination. One of the moves across the body supports physiotherapeutic work to help children with balance.
Practising a figure eight for competition
Comic Relief fund a great many projects in the UK and I'm so pleased that I got to see this one. I've been aware of riding for the disabled for many years, but haven't seen it. The children I met and talked to have benefited in so many ways and the ponies are lovely and so patient.
The stars of the riding school
Once again I'll be taking part in a creative fundraising attempt as part of Team Honk. We're a group of bloggers from all over the country who have previously passed a baton from Lands End to John O'Groats (well the other way round actually) and danced for six hours at Wembley Arena. Last year three of us visited as many museums as we could in London in one day - we managed 27 of them. This year we are taking part in 'Come Honk With Me,' and I'll be travelling round parks in London with fellow London Honkers dressed for dinner and preparing meals as we go. I have no idea how yet - we never do before we begin - but I guarantee it's going to be fun and we hope to raise a lot of money to enable Comic Relief to continue funding fantastic projects like the one I visited.
A while back I went to see Russell Brand's show Messiah Complex in which he compared his life with some famous world leaders for comedic purposes. As we drove back from a visit to family this afternoon and the boys were being insane in the back of the car my mind drifted to how I'd make a similar comparison. Gandhi - I think we all start out this way. Benign and with a patient and loving attitude. In the early days I also found I was pretty much on hunger strike, not like all the other new mums on a post baby diet, but because I just didn't prioritise feeding myself when I was caring for a tiny baby. Some days I didn't get dressed so my clothing pretty much resembled Gandhi's too. I never took up weaving or surrounded myself with pretty ingenues though.
Malcolm Luther King - once they're on the move we become a bit more "I have a dream" about our children. The aspirations take full flight and we approach parenting from a non-violent, but pragmatic standpoint. As soon as they make sounds that resemble words we begin to teach them songs and spend hours at a time repeating things so they will learn to say, "Mama." It's always, "Dada" frist though isn't it ?
Malcolm X - as my boy developed an attitude I became a lot more, 'by any means necessary' about it all. As he developed into a tantrum prone easy to tears toddler I had to find ways to keep myself sane in the face of a meltdown of epic proportions in the supermarket. If it took bribery (I will take you to the park if you stop screaming) I went with it. If I had to threaten to take stuff away (no bear fruit if you keep shouting) that was what I did. It wasn't pretty. It was, however, for the greater good.
Mugabe - then he went to school and became a know it all and a mini adult. He knows better than me and argues about everything. I've had to go hardcore and lay down the law with him in no uncertain terms. I've gone from previously heroic to always trying to ruin his life. It isn't about what he wants, it's all about what I need him to do. I even find myself saying, "because I said so." A sure sign that it's not going my way. It's not going well I'll be honest.
So I've decided the only way to go from now on is...
Trump - yep total batshit crazy. When my child gets up in my grill I'm just going to talk utter crap at him until he's so baffled he will be reduced to thinking I've lost the plot. When he says, "I want cake," I will respond with, "I have all the cake, I have the best cake. No one has better cake than me." He's just going to stare. We've already planned to tell him that we're building a wall (between his room and his brother's) and that we will not accept any judgement of our parenting that isn't in our favour. I draw the line at the orange hair though.
I wish I could go back in time and be all Mary Poppins about it, but I think that ship has pretty much sailed now. I mean a spoonful of sugar ? In this day and age ? We'd get such a hammering on the Mumsnet forums it's not even worth thinking about.
Still I wonder what Russell's take on it is now he's a father to baby Mabel.
Today I was thinking about that early bit of courtship where you do things your partner loves. You know the whole, "Oh we have so much in common, isn't that wonderful. We are so made for each other." That period of time when me and Hubbie were getting to know each other.
I watched non league football - I even travelled to watch games. Not many, but enough to show that I care about what he cares about. In return he went ice skating with me - he's not a fan. He went to a Green Day concert with me - again not his thing at all, but he made a good attempt at looking like he didn't completely hate it.
You see we don't do soppy. He calls me cloth ears when I don't hear him. I complain that he mumbles. He rolls his eyes at the ceiling, I mutter about the half done DIY. We joke that the only time we talk to each other is when we present a radio show together. We live with each other's quirks. He with my aversion to custard and I with his pathological hatred of cauliflower, eggs and picking up his own socks. A habit he has passed onto both our sons - much to my chagrin.
In reality though, we are a team. We have been since we met 12 years ago. Back then we kind of knew we wanted to be together. So got married ten years ago - in a simple ceremony with friends and a few family members present. Then we got on with our lives. We adopted a cat together - well Neo chose us actually. That's how it works with cats isn't it ? They decide who they will live with and he deigned to assign this role to us.
Neo undertaking a rigorous interview
When it became clear that having a baby wasn't going to be straightforward he went along with all of my crazy schemes from shamanic drumming (no we didn't do this, but he said he'd do it) to hypnosis. He went along with my plan to adopt despite having never considered it before we met so we had a year of being asked about everything and having absolutely no privacy. It was horrible. Then we had a baby and it was amazing and tiring. After night feeds he would sit downstairs watching baseball with the baby on his knees rocking him to sleep. Every night that we have been parents - with very few exceptions - he's been home for their bedtime. He is every bit the wonderful father I knew he'd be.
When we became three
Then we had the whole adoption process all over again to become parents to our second beautiful boy. * So, now Hubbie has a 'mini-me' and I'm outnumbered by male hormones and smelly socks !! He takes two boys to football with him and I decipher baskets of laundry filled with various sized jeans, t-shirts and pants. The older of our two boys raids Daddy's toiletries for hair gel and the younger copies what his older brother does. He doesn't have enough hair to style yet, but he does like to brush it.
Is that how you brush your hair baby ?
This weekend we're away together on a short break for the first time since December 2009. We are spending time without our boys and while I miss them - of course I do - it's reminded me that we have so much fun together and make each other laugh.
Happy Anniversary to us.
Oh and we went ice skating today - because I love it. I think the socks are a small price to pay.
*I've written posts about adoption all this week so you can read those for more about this.
If you've been reading this blog for a while you'll have been on our journey from parents to one son to a family with two boys. I started the blog when Brown Bear was a baby and it's been about the journey we've taken with him and now with his brother.
Last week Hubbie was at an event where he saw a past work colleague who mentioned that he'd noticed a 'new child' in the family. He's seen photos on Facebook and mention of 'the boys' rather than the one and had not wanted to ask too much in case it was all a bit hush hush. Well, our plans to adopt were never a secret, but I didn't want to answer a bajillion questions about him at the start. I still don't really - but now I feel better equipped to offer some answers about adoption rather than Blue Bear specifically.
We have been assessed to adopt twice. Once before we had Brown Bear we were approved to adopt two children. Having been told we could not get pregnant we had decided that we would make an active decision about how to become parents instead of waiting for a miracle. Then that miracle happened and we had Brown Bear.
It was always part of our family plans that we would adopt. I worked with many children's charities where I saw the powerful effect of love within a family and how profoundly it can change the life of a child. Having a child of our own making was wonderful - of course - but I knew that I didn't have to carry and birth a child in order to love and care for him. I also hoped that he would love us regardless of how he came to be in the family.
I say he, not because I only wanted to adopt a boy, but because it was the most likely outcome. Boys spend longer in care, are often considered 'harder to place' and in the case of children of non-white backgrounds are often part of a sibling group, which again means they are likely to wait longer to be adopted, if at all. So the likelihood was always that we would adopt a boy.
So that is how we came to adoption. We discussed it, we agreed and then when it came down to it we made the decision.
Ok I've made it sound easy and it's been far from that. What I want you to know, though, is that all the reasons you can think of for not adopting are far outweighed by the reasons in favour.
It's Adoption Week so I'm writing about adoption every day this week.
I'll be answering questions about adoption that you may have. Feel free to comment on here or ask me on Twitter with the hashtag #askaboutadoption.
So go ahead and ask those burning questions. If I can't answer I know enough professionals who I can direct your questions to.
The other day I was watching the comedy show Modern Family and the character Jay described a situation he found difficult as 'my Vietnam... and I was in Vietnam."
After last weekend I think I have some idea what he's talking about. It was the big birthday weekend. I'd been planning for my son's 6th birthday party and it was also my nephew's party the next day. I prepared for weeks, nay months in advance. I ordered popcorn bags, collected suitable party bag treats, booked a great street dance teacher and our old friends at Totstars for the sports side of the party. After the event I felt like I'd been in the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan. So much was going on, but I wasn't really part of it so I had no idea what was happening. When I've seen photos afterwards I don't even remember being there !
I can only conclude that for me planning and delivering a children's birthday party is actually like being in a Vietnam war movie (yes I know Saving Private Ryan is not a Vietnam movie, it's just an illustrative example. Please do keep up).
I start out like Charlie Sheen in Platoon - idealistic, full of hope in my ability and the potential for this to be the greatest social event of all time. My hair starts off looking pretty cool as well.
During the party I channel Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam: enthusiastic, a bit manic and driven by adrenalin. I probably make about as much sense at Adrian Cronauer too.
After contact with the Viet cong (kids) I'm more like the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket: driven, bullish and in 'just get it done' mode. I'm also pretty much singing the surfin' bird tune on repeat in a post party haze.
The drama started even before the party with a mum coming up to me at swimming to say, "Oh I think we can make it to the party now - when is it again ?" Now how do you tell someone, "Well, actually your child wasn't invited so don't worry about it love." ?
Then during the party there was the entitled little shit of a child who started off by being too cool for school during the street dance and not taking part in the dance-off. Then when the kids were eating the popcorn I'd painstakingly bagged up as a post-dance, pre-sports snack he handed his back to me with, "what else have you got ?" It doesn't get better. We had pizzas delivered for the children to eat and as we offered them round he looked up and said, "Don't you have pepperoni ?" Well mate it's not a restaurant it's a party. We ordered margerita, veggie, hawaiian and chicken. You're the first 5 year old I've ever met who eats pepperoni so eat it or don't eat it, there's garlic bread and wedges if you're really starving.
Having made it to the end of the party and seen everyone off the premises we went home to bed to prepare for the party the next day. At least this time we were guests instead of hosts.
My tiredness and PPSD (post party stress disorder) may have contributed to my experience of this one feeling like I was in the Deer Hunter. Instead of finding it charming when a dad asked his daughter, "how do say orange juice in French ?" I wanted to just shout, "Oh just shuttup why don't you ?"
I lost my joy with the hipster parents who lounged around not watching Oberon and Marigold taking food off plates that people were eating from. One 'darling' kept calling my son names and when I asked if he wanted something to eat he said, "I want bread" I muttered, not entirely under my breath, "my kids would have said please and thank you."
The crowning glory of the party was when my boy was pushed aside from standing with his one year old cousin cutting the birthday cake because, "You've already had your birthday." I have only one response to this and it's pretty Michael Cimino:
Ok I'm not quiet, but you'd better believe that with that one gesture you unleashed hell !
Oh man it's been a mad old week. I've been poorly, almost lost my voice (much to the kids' delight) and have had to rejig my to-do list. A week like this can only really be explained with a music playlist:
I can't stand up for falling down:
So I had the boys booked into sports camp all week and had a list as long as one of my arms of jobs I intended to get done while the boys were out of the house all day. Then I woke up on Monday morning feeling like a large bear had stood on my neck all night. As well as a sore throat I've been shattered and my nose is like a running tap. It's not a good look, believe me !
Welcome to the jungle:
To make things even more complicated Hubbie was away over night this week which meant I had the boys to myself. The perceived level of enjoyment in this is vastly over-estimated. Getting from morning toothbrushing to bedtime shower / bath has taken all my reserves of strength - and they
weren't all that high anyway !
Just like honey:
I found out this week that Jesus and Mary Chain are performing in London in a month, so I got myself organised and bought tickets for me and Hubbie. Their music takes me back to my late teens where I discovered music that no one else at my school had the slightest interest in. Then when I went to Uni I met my people - and later I met Hubbie.
Om Shanti:
Today I was at a yoga training all day. The venue was lovely, the teachers was amazing and the weather was beautifully sunny. I've learned lots of new skills and saw some fellow teacher friends. Still not 100% better, but I'm feeling so much more relaxed now.
Hanging on the telephone:
Having succeeded in getting tickets to see a band we both love, I failed to get the hottest tickets in town. I am quite annoyed with myself actually. Many months ago I was online looking up tickets for Harry Potter: The Cursed Child and when I asked a friend if she wanted to go she said not really. I decided that I wouldn't bother to get any and now I really wish I had as it's impossible to get any tickets. Every Friday I'm online queuing to get in with fingers crossed. I was unsuccessful again this week. Oh well, I'll keep trying.
So that's been my week - I quelled the urge to add in Love like Blood by Killing Joke. I can't possibly be the only one who has the manic laugh of a woman whose idea of hell is to be around her own children all day ?
Amongst all the things I think about during the school holidays is the forward planning I have to do for Brown Bear's birthday. In the past we have always arranged a party for all his classmates and I try to theme it around whichever cake I've decided to make that year. Last year it was all Fireman Sam complete with firehats on the table for all guests. Themed party items are a key part of any celebration for us and I take time to get matching tableware, goody bags and food items.
The lovely folks at Party Bags and Supplies sent us a Paddington themed set which is part of their extensive range of themed party supplies. I was spoilt for choice with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Marvel Superheroes and so many other children's characters. I decided on Paddington purely because I loved the goody bag so much. It's designed to look like Paddington's suitcase and contains some lovely bits including sticker, a notepad and pencil and a nametag with thank you printed on it. I spend so much money on the items that go into party bags that this saves a lot of time and trouble as well as being on theme.
The party wear itself is really lovely with themed plates, cups, napkins and tablecloth. I always buy a spare tablecloth as one is never enough and you can buy most pieces in addition to the set. The sets are reasonably priced with most under £20. This set is for 8 places and would do for a small party for Blue Bear later in the year. That is unless he sees the Paw Patrol set and then it's game over !
Children's parties can be so stressful so a one stop shop for all the basics you need is great. They came really well packaged and arrived in good time too so you don't have to worry about rushing out to buy last minute supplies. They don't just do children's themes either, there are teen and adult party supplies including 80's themed, hen party and even a Team GB theme which is very topical right now.
I can't wait to use this party kit and to see the look on my boy's face when he sees it.
Disclosure: The lovely folks at Party Bags and Supplies sent us a Paddington Party pack to write an honest review.
I recently had my hair cut shorter and have found it suits me better, is far more practical when swimming and has garnered some compliments. The other thing I noticed was that I can now spot the odd white hair along the front hairline. For years I asked my hairdresser if I was going grey and he insisted that I wasn't. I suspect he was sparing my feelings, but I also put it down to a mythical family trait that I had told myself existed.
You see I was convinced for years that my Mum didn't go grey until she was in her forties. She had been colouring her hair, but I was pretty sure she wasn't anything like as grey as other people of her age. Now I'm wondering if I was right after all. I mean it isn't bad to be on the cusp of my late '40s and only just noticing silver wisps is it ? I'm almost proud. Not quite, but almost.
Ageing is inevitable, but some do it better than others. It's become pretty standard to watch people in the public eye get shinier and tighter as they grow older. In real life things sag and droop, but we try and defy any signs that we're getting on a bit. A lot of the people who swim at the pool I go to are much older than me and are super fit. Maybe they would have been anyway, but the swimming probably helps.
It's ok for men to get older, they are described as 'distinguished,' but women aren't treated the same way are we ? It's like wearing glasses. Hubbie eschews contact lenses because he knows that glasses suit him. I've never quite managed to shake off the idea that, 'boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.' I know women who look fantastic in specs, but I'm just not one of them. In my final year at Uni I decided to wear glasses to look clever in the hope they would confer intelligence on me by stealth. No such luck.
I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to behave. Do I stop wearing t-shirts emblazoned with band names and logos on them ? Do I listen to serious music instead of the tunes that make my children laugh and sing along ? Do I watch my cholesterol and take preventative measures ? Do I take up soothing pastimes and start collecting things ? Or do I continue as I am. Dancing in the car and the kitchen with my kids and Hubbie. Hiding sweets from party bags that the kids bring home so that we can eat them to 'protect their precious teeth' ?
What I am going to do is all the things I enjoy:
go swimming
go out to eat with Hubbie
have a lovely pampering treatment
present my radio show
see friends and have my hair done.
Then when it's all done I'll take a look at the 'silver' hair on my head and consider myself lucky.
A year ago we had no idea that Baby Boy would be coming to live with us. We were planning our first Christmas away and getting ready for an exciting week in Cornwall staying at Coombe Mill.
Then while were were on holiday we received an email with a profile and a photo and the question - would we consider this little boy ? I showed the photo to Big Boy and he said, "Is that me as a baby ?" I said. "No, it's a little boy who we're thinking about having to come live with us. How would it be if he was your baby brother ?" Big Boy looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'd like that."
I found Wally
A lot happened in between - which I will tell you another time, I promise - and now we are here. We're a family of four (ok, Neo - five) and this Christmas he's here with us. It's the most amazing gift of all and I cannot believe it's only been a year since this all began for real.
So, when anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I can honestly say, "nothing."
Oh we're such fun
I have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, a fluffy cat, a new iPhone (ok, not strictly nothing then).
I told you he's fluffy !
Most importantly of all I have two sons I love and adore. They are safe, healthy and happy.
My boys
Ok, I'd like to be slimmer, to not have dodgy knees and a gammy shoulder. I'd love to be able to live on chips, chocolate, champagne and strawberries.
For now I'm thankful for what I do have. I had no idea this time last year that it would be so much.
With Christmas coming up we have yet another school holiday to fill. Once the presents are opened and the turkey sandwiches are all done we still have over a week to occupy the children and I have a few ideas that you might consider.
A few weeks ago we decided to have a special family day out for Hubbie's birthday and we chose to spend it on the South Bank in London. My favourite London spot is the London Eye and since I found out you can get married on board I have been trying to convince Hubbie to renew our wedding vows so we can hire a pod for a celebration event.
The boys have never been on the London Eye before so we had no idea how they would take to it. We had fast track tickets which meant we didn't have to queue in the rain and it was relatively quick to board. We folded our buggy to take with us on the pod and it wasn't too busy so the boys got to see plenty out of the windows. There are touch screens you can use to help identify the landmarks outside and during the flight you can have a photo taken to buy at the end.
I've been on the London Eye many times - including on my 30th birthday as a treat with friends - and have always really loved it. When me and Hubbie were still dating we took a flight and a boat ride on the Thames included in the ticket. It's a great date idea and some offers also include a meal with the boat trip. At this time of year there is also an ice skating rink located next to the London Eye which you can add to your visit.
It's great to share that experience with my children and to see the delight on their faces when they spot things they like. In Big Boy's case it was Big Ben and in Baby Boy's case it was the ducks on the Thames - I think they were ducks, he made a quacking sound anyway. After the flight we went to the 4D experience which is also included in the ticket price. It's a nice touch and is suitable for all ages.
After a stop for lunch we went to the London Sealife Aquarium which I've heard great things about, but never actually visited. As it was a rainy day we expected it to be very busy inside, but the site is really spacious and even with the buggy we were able to get around pretty easily. The boys loved spotting seahorses and starfish, but didn't want to touch them.
The really large tank was were Big Boy spent the longest time and we sat and talked about sharks and where they live in the wild. I explained that before I was Mummy I went scuba diving and saw them in the sea. He was fascinated by all of the large mammals and Baby Boy squealed when he saw the turtles climbing out of the tank. I was delighted that they were so interested as I love marine life and hope to take them diving when they are older.
The newest tourist attraction on the South Bank is Shrek's Adventure featuring characters from the movies. Donkey is there to greet you as you arrive and you have an allocated time for your visit so it's wise to arrive a little early in preparation. There is a 4D bus ride early on in the adventure and Big Boy found this a little scary, so he's probably a little young for it. The characters who you meet as you go around really like to involve visitors - especially children - in the adventure and it's nicely done.
Our mini tour ended at the Poison Apple pub with a special guest appearance - I won't spoil it by telling you who it was. The recommended age for children to visit this attraction is 6 years onwards and I think that is pretty accurate. My boy recognised the characters from Dreamworks such as Kung Fu Panda and the Penguins of Madagascar and loves Puss in Boots. During the Christmas holidays there are specific festive events taking place that you can pre-book.
You can book tickets for all of these attractions online and there are discounts if you visit more than one of them. Find out more about an attraction pass here. Alternatively you can use a Merlin Pass.
Disclosure: We were given complimentary tickets for the London Eye, the Aquarium and were invited to visit Shrek's Adventure. All opinions are my own.
