Yes sir that's my baby

Do you remember what you were doing 4 years ago ? Is it a crystal clear memory of how you were feeling ? Was there a sense of importance about it ? I only ask because I know for a fact that we were preparing for a huge event in our lives - one that would change everything. It's not exactly etched in my mind as seared into my skin and the very fibre of my being. It wasn't just a moment though, it was a series of meetings and conversations. Everything was planned out and we were given a timetable to follow. I arranged childcare for Brown Bear and we went for the first meeting. 

Driving to the house was nerve wracking. We knew it was going to be fine, but had no idea what to expect. At first we drove past the house and had to come back and park outside as we were a bit early. Eventually we knocked on the door and waited for it to open. A familiar face welcomed us and we were led to the back room where he was waiting. He looked like the photo we had seen, but in 3D he was a bit different too. He was too shy to come over to us so we sat on the sofa and smiled at his as he clung to the foster carer's leg and looked at us. She explained softly that we had come to see him. He eventually came closer and picked up a photo book we had prepared. He pointed at it to show he knew it was us. He had a dummy in his mouth and a toy dog is his hands. He didn't let go of either. I sat very still just taking it all in. I didn't want to startle him. Like a tiny bird or a mythical creature. Hubbie was braver than me and managed to get him involved in a game on the floor. I watched them play and felt my heart swell with each breath. He was real. We were here. This was really happening. 

We had told Brown Bear we were going to see his brother and would tell him everything when he came home from nursery. He was desperate to meet him, but the rules were that we meet him first and slowly introduce the boys to each other. I took photos of Blue Bear and even a few short video clips of his gurgling laughter. I didn't dare get too close in case. I gave him the toy bus we had bought for him. Then he went out into the corridor and was pushing it along the floor towards the front door. I sat on the bottom stair and watched him. Hoping he would want to get close to me, but not daring to presume. He came closer and I gave him a tentative hug. I joked that he wasn't going out with us today, but another time. 

The 2 hours went so fast. We thanked the foster family and said "bye bye" to him. He waved at us and we went back to the car. The whole drive home we talked about how amazing he was and how much Brown Bear would love to meet him. I was overwhelmed by how much I felt for him already and couldn't wait to see him again the next day. Each day we stayed a bit longer. On one day we gave him a bath and got him ready for bed. He cried so much that eventually we called the foster carer in as he was clearly far too distressed to settle down. It was heartbreaking to leave him this way, but we knew it was going to take time. The next day we brought Brown Bear along to meet his brother. We all went to the park and played in the sunshine - it wasn't warm, but it was sunny. The boys played and hugged and as we left Brown Bear said, "Why can't he come home with us ?" We explained he would visit us at home the next day and come to live with us at the end of the week. 

On his first visit to our home it was as if he already lived here. He walked in and greeted the cat. He went into the toy room and found things to play with. We gave him some lunch and he had a nap on me in the afternoon. As I felt him snuggle into my shoulder I relaxed a bit. This was ok. He was gorgeous and he would be fine. We had to take Blue Bear back to his foster carers and Brown Bear said bye to him and stayed home with my sister. As we took his back he looked out of the window of the car and I just watched him. This beautiful boy, quiet and thoughtful. The dummy in his mouth all the time. His eyes taking in every little thing. When we dropped him off he waved at us. He didn't cry though. I wanted to, but I knew this was irrational as he would be with us very soon. 

When we got home I went in to see Brown Bear and to give him a hug before he went to sleep. "I miss him." he said. "I know baby. I do too." "When is he coming to live here." "Soon darling. Soon." 

And then he did. 

4 years have passed and we know he was always meant to be here. 

My baby boy. Brown Bear's brother. My beloved son. 

Turning over a new leaf, or conker..,

I've been home late a fair amount recently. Either because I've been seeing family and they live a fair drive away or I've been to a show and it's finished late. So when I get back the boys are already in bed, sometimes asleep and always looking adorable. The cat miaows at me as if to say, "what time do you call this ?" and Hubbie catches me up on the post-school antics. It's how life is now I'm a working mum. This is the first time I've been at work full time since I've been a mum. I'd always worked flexible or shorter hours to fit in with childcare before and since Blue Bear came to live with us I've been home full time. It's a big adjustment for all of us, but so far it seems to be fine.

There are some things about being a stay at home parent that I won't miss. The main one is the school gate. Not the actual gate you understand - that hasn't done anything to offend me and is quite pretty really. My boys used to race on ahead and hide behind it and jump out to shout "Boo !" at me when I was on the school run with them. No it's the banter in the playground between parents. I will greet people with a smile when I'm on the zebra crossing without breaking my stride. I'll happily have a quick, "How are you ?" while still moving and sometimes I'll even walk alongside a parent I know. What I won't do is the standing 'chatting' with arms folded ignoring entirely that there are small children all around.

Then there's the whatsapp group of doom. Where one parent will ask if anyone has found their child's jumper and 30 'don't have it hun' messages will pop up. I have muted our group now as I can only stand so much inane chat about the new PE kit not being in stock. Also, don't ask other parents how to explain where babies come from on a class whatsapp group. I am completely honest with my kids. They weren't delivered by the stork, Mummy didn't swallow a magic seed and  Daddy didn't 'give' her a baby FFS ! They both know that Brown Bear grew in my tummy and Blue Bear in another mummy's tummy. Thanks to an episode of friends they now also know they came out of the tummy through a cut the doctor made. See, learning is fun kids !

I am less than keen on having a 'social' with people I only know because our kids are in the same class. I've got friends and they are lovely and we have things in common. I prefer not to spend my evening listening to people complaining about the school or asking me to confirm if what they understood to be the times of forest school are correct. Of course the other side of this is the gossip. At the end of last term a few parents told me they had heard my kids were leaving the school. When I asked who they had heard this from they became coy and refused to tell me.

A few weeks ago a parent I have known for a few years and who has helped me out a lot told me she had said something to another parent. It was an apologetic message confessing she had told this Mum that Blue Bear was adopted. I don't know why it came up or how it was relevant to the conversation, but I was thrown. It isn't exactly a secret, after all the school know and a lot of parents who knew us at the time he came to live with us know already. What we had chosen was to not tell the parents in his class unless it was relevant. It hasn't been up to now and it continues not to be.

We have been asked to provide baby photos for the topic this term, 'all about me.' This is one of the things we were told about during our assessment to become adopters. How we hold and present his past to him in a way that is manageable and not overwhelming. Blue Bear wasn't with us when he was a baby so while I can get photos of him we were not in his life at that point. I have spoken to him about his early life and answered all his questions honestly. We saw his foster carers recently so we had a chat about how he lived there when he was a baby. He doesn't remember it, but it is important to hold that part of his past safely for later life when he will have more questions.


I realise that when people ask questions like, "where was he born ?" "why are his eyes blue ?" "is he like his Daddy ?" they aren't necessarily being intrusive. However, I am protective of this little boy and his past and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for him or to look sideways at me and say, "Oh, you're so good." As if adoption was an act of pity or charity. My kids don't need sympathy, they are amazing and loved and precious. I don't describe them by how they came to be in this family. They are so much more than that.


Brown Bear is a force to be reckoned with. He is smart, funny, a talented sportsman and is fiercely protective of his brother and cousins. He has a quick wit and is frustratingly direct. He has obsessions which take over his whole life (Rubik's cube, fidget spinners, Panini stickers, etc.) When he is with boys he's one of the lads and in the company of girls he listens and observes and is kind. I think he could be a leader of men (and women) in the future.


Blue Bear is my little park ranger in training. He will stop to pick up conkers, acorns and pretty leaves on the ground. He loves animals and overcame a fear of dogs to now asking if he is allowed to stroke them (so long as they are not too big). He will make sure no one steps on a worm on the ground and if I want to motivate him to leave the child-minder I can say, "hurry up there is a snail crossing the path and if we don't get there in time it will have gone." He will be out like a shot to watch the snail.

When I come home and go into their bedroom, I watch their sleeping faces and lean in to kiss them gently so they don't wake up. Blue Bear doesn't move much. Brown Bear opens his eyes, smiles at me with his fingers still in his mouth and goes back to sleep. I tiptoe out so as not to wake them.

I love these two boys so much more than I ever could have imagined.

Then it's time to go to bed as I have to get up early to go to work again in the morning.

Things I learned about my boy this week

Blue Bear is almost five. It's a bit of a shock to realise he's going to be in reception in September and that he is a fully fledged kid now. Not a baby or a toddler, but a proper little boy. He can say so much more now and I find conversations with him are great fun. When I went to pick him up from the childminder the other evening he came to the door holding a box and as he opened it he said. "Ta-daaa !" and revealed the contents (which included slugs - eww !!) to me. He has a sense of drama, timing and knows how to create interest. It made me smile and I still do when I think about it.

He stayed with my parents this weekend while I moved his bed into the same room as his brother so they now share. When he got home he walked in and said, "Wow ! It's great Mummy. I lub it." He has a cute way of saying love and I hope he continues with it for a while.

Yesterday Hubbie was cutting the grass and Blue Bear said, "Daddy shall I bring my leaf barrow ?" He went to the back garden, found his toy wheelbarrow and brought it to the front to help gather up the trimmings to put into the green waste bin. Later I looked outside to see him crouched down watching as Daddy cleaned and repaired bikes. It was such a lovely father and son moment I just enjoyed it rather than trying to take a photo.

Today when he got home from my parents' house he asked me how Neo was. I told him he was ok and he went over to see him. He got down to the cat's level and I heard him say, "I missed you Neo," and he cuddled him. It was so sweet. I'm sure Neo missed the boys too - he does look lost when they aren't here.

Whenever I am outside running or walking home if I see an acorn, a conker or a pretty leaf I pick it up for Blue Bear. He loves nature and being outside. I saw a ladybird on the kitchen floor the other day and called Blue over to see it. He came in and was delighted to see it inside his house. Daddy offered to put it outside and Blue told him he wanted it to stay inside to keep it safe. We agreed it would be happier outside and he asked Daddy to be gentle.

The other day when the boys were eating their tea for some reason we were talking about family and Blue asked about his 'first mummy." I said I didn't know her, but we could ask 'Auntie' - his foster carer - about her. He nodded and got on with dipping chips in ketchup.

When I was arranging the childcare for this weekend I told my sister that Blue Bear is really good fun and she'd have a good time with him. She sent me a whatsapp message this afternoon praising his behaviour and how well he got on with his cousin. It made my heart sing to hear that.

Earlier when I picked up Brown Bear from scout camp I was called aside to hear the usual litany of things he did wrong. It made me sad. So much so that when we came home and were watching The Greatest Showman I kept bursting into tears. The emotional fallout of having my sons away for the weekend is plenty to deal with. When they get home I just want to hug and hold them - which they won't let me do for much longer anyway.

Oh well, I still have Neo to cuddle when the mum hormones kick in big time.

Rhapsody on Blue

Last week the boys were at summer camp. The manager told me one afternoon when I picked them up that every day Blue Bear warmed their hearts with his big smile and enthusiasm. They would always get into the car chattering away about their day then within minutes of getting indoors they would argue, someone would cry (usually Brown Bear, sometimes Blue Bear and on the worst occasions me) and it was a race against time to get food on the table before the apocalypse occured. I remember the first Summer holiday after Blue came to live with us. I was at home so couldn't justify sending them to camp. Instead I tried to keep them both occupied and more importantly apart. We booked our usual week in Cornwall and stayed at Coombe Mill where the boys fed the animals every morning and rode on the mini train every afternoon. It was in Cornwall that we discovered Blue Bear's love of animals, especially dogs. On subsequent visits he would bottle feed a goat and hold a carrot for a donkey to eat.

A lot of momentous events have occured when we've been in Cornwall. It was when we stayed at Coombe Mill for Christmas that we received an email from the social worker with a photo of a blue eyed little boy and a bit of information about him. I spoke to Hubbie and then showed Brown Bear and he asked, "who is that ?" I told him and asked if he wanted to be his brother. "Yes, he looks like me doesn't he ?" "He does baby." We had no idea that the next day we would receive an email saying he was no longer an option and to forget about him. I couldn't forget this little boy though. His beautiful face. That serious expression. I didn't want to forget about him.

Thankfully I didn't have to and during the Easter holidays he came to live with us. We took him on his first holiday to Cornwall the following July. He was nervous about the other children and kept close holding mine or Daddy's hand. He loved feeding the animals, but didn't want to drive the tractor. Where Brown Bear would make friends and go off to do his own thing, Blue would stay close to us and didn't want to stray too far from our sides.

This afternoon I watched as Brown Bear showed Blue Bear how to push the pedals on the electric bikes to make them go. With the payment tokens put in they both went round the track carefully and accurately. Brown waited for his brother so they could ride round together and it was so sweet. We have seen so many milestones on these annual visits and this week is no exception. I've seen a confidence and a cheekiness that is heartwarming. This afternoon the boys were in the back of the car chattering away and - for a change - not arguing. I quietly commented to Hubbie that it was lovely. We spoke too soon - of course - as within seconds Blue was screaming because Brown was prodding him.

A few days earlier we had all gone to the beach and friends had taken body boards. Brown Bear had a surfing lesson two years ago with me and loved it. This time we figured that some fun splashing around in the shallow end would suffice. When I went over to see how they were getting on Blue Bear was having great fun and trying the board. The same little boy who was scared of the water and wouldn't go into the sea the first time we came to the beach. I watched him do so many things that day and noticed how brave he has become. Some of this is because Brown Bear is fearless and competitive and Blue Bear wants to be just like his brother. In no small part, though, it's because he knows it is safe to take risks and we will be there for him. He trusts us.

The other day the boys were staying with family members while me and Hubbie had a weekend away together. I phoned Blue Bear to see how he was doing and was taken aback at how chatty he was. He explained that he'd been painting with Grandma, watered the plants and that Missy (the cat) had even hung around - she usually runs off. He had chicken dippers for tea and was going to have an ice cream for pudding. Once he'd given me the full report he announced, "I going now, bye Mummy." This is the little boy who barely spoke and now he's holding conversations with me.

We were sitting at the table yesterday eating lunch and Brown Bear had gone to get something and Daddy had gone to the car. I smoothed Blue Bear's head and kissed him softly. He smiled. I did it again. He leaned into me a bit more. I laughed and kept giving him gentle kisses on his face.
"Mummy when you kiss me I stop eating."
"Am I putting you off ?"
"Yes."
"Sorry."
"Keep doing it."
We both laughed. Brown Bear came back and asked what was so funny. Blue Bear finished his chips and we walked back to the car to join Daddy.

At one point today Brown Bear came over to hug me - Blue Bear went to hug him. Hubbie picked up his phone and managed to capture the moment. When I looked at the photo I saw my gorgeous boys and the smile of love and happiness on my face. As I told a friend of mine later, this is all I ever wanted from parenthood. Children with ice cream all over their faces and huge smiles. Ok, it's not often, but just sometimes it's plenty.

I taught my son to make me tea - now that's what I call self care !

At the weekend me and Hubbie spent a couple of days on our own in Cornwall. We dropped off the boys with Grandma and Grandma and as we left she remarked on how surprised she was we were going so far away for just a couple of days. Yes it was a lot of driving and it was a long way, but it was entirely worth it.

Within minutes of being child-free we were joking and making each other laugh. We listened to the music we wanted to, we ate sweets without having to hide them from ears that can hear the rustle of a toffee wrapper, but not, "stop hitting your brother." I even managed to snooze for a while, made much simpler without the shrill demands from the back of the car for different tunes, a snack, a drink or a toilet stop. 

I had bought tickets for us to see Bjork at the Eden Project and we decided to make a weekend away of it. Blue Bear stayed with Grandparents and Brown Bear had a boys' weekend with Hubbie's brother. We went to a place we love and saw an amazing gig together almost 2 years to the day we did it last. Brown Bear went swimming, had Subway for lunch (which he loves), pizza for dinner and watched the World Cup games with his equally football-loving uncle. Blue Bear had his grandparents all to himself and when I called on the phone I could hardly believe how chatty he was. The weather was gorgeous, everyone got to do something they wanted to - even Grandpa who escaped to play golf - he loves his grandkids, but only for short periods of time and preferably only one at a time. 

It was a year ago that I went away to Brighton on my own and went to a show and stayed in a nice hotel. I had been looking after the boys full time for so long I was feeling resentful, tired and fed up. The room was fancy, I went shopping, had a nice dinner and went to bed in a huge double bed all by myself. I got up early to go for a run and felt amazing. I ate breakfast - which I often don't get to do - and went back to bed after a shower and watched TV. It was blissful and relaxing. 

A lot of people passed comment about my choice to be away from my kids - which was interesting as I didn't see them there when I was struggling to keep myself together. People often say the words "me-time" with a sneer, as if it's self-indulgent or somehow spoiled. I know it's not possible for everyone who needs a break to do that and I am fortunate that I can take time for myself if I want to. It's taken me years to value myself enough to do it though. For so long after we adopted Blue Bear it was difficult and emotionally overwhelming. I was trying to love and care for two boys who were in the throes of complete meltdown and I was left completely empty. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't coping as I was terrified that if I did they would take Blue Bear away from us. I'd be deemed an unfit parent - that might even affect Brown Bear. I started to believe that my incapacity was detrimental to my kids. I asked other parents at school to help me, but very few were willing or able to. I chose to be absent from taking Brown Bear to school so they wouldn't see how terrible a parent I was. As soon as Hubbie came home from work I would go out of the house to get away from the demands of my two little boys. 

Then my lovely friend Pippa advertised a Mama's retreat in Cornwall and I mentioned it to Hubbie. He said if I wanted to go he'd be happy to take care of the boys. I booked a ticket and took the car for the weekend. The long drive was wonderful. It reminded me of the days when I travelled all over the UK and delivered talks at schools and then later at Rotary meetings. I spent two days away from my boys, in a beautiful house in Cornwall with sea views and no internet. It was wonderful. I promised myself that I would take better care of myself and not let it get to the stage where I was that broken again. 

Self care can be a little thing we do every day. It might be drinking a cup of coffee on your own before anyone else wakes up. Going for a walk instead of sitting at your desk all day. Listening to music you love and singing loudly along with it (in privacy mind - don't destroy someone else's peace in order to enjoy yours). Having some nice chocolate instead of a rice cake. I take a cup of tea in a thermos mug with me in the morning. I drink it on the tram, then the train and by the time I get to work I am halfway human. It's the one I have after that which enables me to actually function. 

If I ever doubt the benefits of taking care of myself I cast my mind back to one afternoon in the summer holidays when Blue Bear first came to live with us. He was screaming at me for my attention and Brown Bear was doing the same thing. I was in the hallway with one child on the stairs who I was trying to protect from falling and the other was in the front room swinging the door which made me fear he would hurt himself on it. If I turned to help one the other would alert me to the imminent danger he was in and vice versa. It felt like I was being torn in two by these children who I love and want to protect with all my heart. The old saying about putting on your oxygen mask applies here. How on earth could I take care of my boys if I wasn't even taking care of myself ? 

When anyone makes comments about how I spend time away from my children I smile sweetly and say, "I've earned it - I've done my time." This parenting malarky isn't meant to be an endurance test. There are no prizes for suffering the most or for martyrdom. If there were I know plenty who'd compete for the trinkets. I taught Brown Bear how to make a cup of tea for Mummy at the weekend. Not pouring the boiling water you understand, but the practicalities of adding a little milk at a time and taking his time to get it right. I praised him for doing a great job and Blue Bear told me he wanted to do it next time. I explained that he is too young. 

"Mummy I'm nearly five !" 

Fair point, well made.  

Part of taking time for self care is also about knowing I've done enough to let go of the reins sometimes. After all, I'm not going to picking up boy socks my entire life am I ? 

Seriously, am I ? 

I wanna hold your hand

I woke up tired today. Right to the core of my bones tired. I was supposed to go for a run, but I knew it wasn't going to happen in the morning. I also knew that Blue Bear was in need of my care and attention today having been very unwell for the last two days. We were supposed to visit my parents today, but Hubbie had already said it probably wasn't a good idea to take Blue as he wouldn't be up to it. He was right. There I said it. It's out there in the world. Hubbie is the voice of reason when I am driven by guilt to go ahead with things even when they are not a good idea. Hubbie and Brown Bear went to visit the family and I stayed home with Blue Bear and we took the day slowly. We watched Paddington 2, painted a dinosaur (don't ask) and spent some time in the garden together. It was lovely and soothing and just what we both needed.

There are a few scenes in the movie that Blue Bear finds sad. When Paddington is sent to prison and is alone, when the Browns appear to forget about him and when he is thinking about Aunt Lucy. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was. I even managed to encourage him to eat something - two bags of popcorn and some toast seeing as you asked. There are a lot of bits that make me cry, but one in particular is when he is trapped under water and Mrs Brown can't free him. She reaches in and holds his paw. I asked Blue for a cuddle at that point. He sat back into my arms and I held him close, my eyes thick with tears.

When Blue Bear first came to us he slept in the cot right next to me in bed. He would reach his hand out to see if I was there and I would hold his hand until he fell asleep. During the night I would stay close the the cot so he would know I was there if he woke up, which he did frequently. Earlier today we dropped off Brown Bear and Hubbie at the station and on the way there Blue wasn't feeling well. Brown Bear held his brother's hand to help him feel better. It's something Hubbie has always done and I think it's lovely. If he can see someone is upset or hurt he will say, "squeeze my hand," it really helps.

When I was single the thing I missed was touch. Not in a sexual way you understand. I mean the intimacy of holding hands, or gently stroking an arm. Arms around me while I slept. All those tiny gestures that are almost unconscious. When I walk past Hubbie I always touch him (not like that you dirty monkey !) and sometimes I will ask him to stop what he's doing so we can hug. The kids are appalled of course. They also get stroked on the face or kissed on the head if I'm passing. At night I go into their rooms and kiss them and stroke their heads while they sleep. Last night Blue Bear smiled and Brown Bear slightly opened his eyes then went back to sleep. I hope that even in deep sleep the comfort is there.

As I type this Neo is lying next to me. He loves being stroked and when the boys are close enough he 'kisses' them on the head. I like to think that all the touch and closeness is filling up our tanks so that we have comfort enough to see us through the difficult days. Blue has been asking me about his early life lately. "Where did I live when I was a baby Mummy ?" "Who did I live with ?" I answer him and then we hug. That seems to be working for us both so far.

The meeting that changed everything

Three years ago today we attended a very important meeting. 

One that changed all our lives forever.

We dropped Brown Bear off at school and went to visit a family we had only met once before. 

I think we arrived early and waited outside until the agreed time. We knocked on the door and they opened the door to greet us. With a lot of nervousness we went to the room at the back of the house to see the special person we were meeting. We had seen photos of him so we knew what he looked like, but we hadn't spoken to him or seen him for real. I held back a bit as I didn't want to overwhelm him and I didn't know how he would react to us. He had seen photos of us too and when we came in he went over and picked up a small album and showed us. He recognised us from the family photo we had sent. He didn't say much - he had a dummy in his mouth so it would have been muffled anyway. He looked at us and smiled, then walked back to a place of safety and watched us. 

He was dressed like a little old man in a sweater vest - like the ones my dad wears. He stood in front of the TV screen - like my sister used to. He surveyed us from afar and made a decision about whether we were ok to approach or not - I'm told Hubbie was like that too. 

Hubbie was first to engage with him. He lay on the floor and played with toys until with tentative steps Blue Bear came over to join in. I sat back and watched. He was so tiny. So much more beautiful than the photos we had seen. Quiet, thoughful and shy. He kept going back to the comfort of his foster carer for a cuddle and reassurance that these people who had come were ok. Hubbie coaxed giggles and laughter from him and it was the most magical sound. 

We didn't stay long that first day. After around an hour we left to go home. All the way back we chattered away. There was so much to tell Brown Bear and he was excited to hear all about it. I made some notes immediately we got home as a friend had advised me to. I am so glad I listened as so much happens and it's difficult to remember the minor details, the order of events or even the emotions. 

Brown Bear wanted to know everything, but most importantly, "What is he like ?" and "When can I meet him ?" He knew he was going to meet him later in the week and was impatient for that time to come. It was so hard to sleep that first night. The excitement, the anticipation, the anxiety. What if he decides tomorrow he didn't like us after all ? Is it safe to get close to this little boy if there is any chance it might not work out ? 

In the end none of that mattered. I just knew from the minute I saw him that this was our baby boy. That he had to join our family. I finally fell asleep with the joyful memory of his giggles ringing in my ears. Hopefully, they would be in our own home before too long. 

The incredible sulk - and other inherited characteristics

In recent months Blue Bear has developed the ability to throw sulks on an epic scale. He's fun and energetic, but he's also quick to take offence. Just this week I've been told he hates me, he's not my friend, he hates chicken, his brother and pretty much anything that has fallen foul of his temperament. It was during one of these monumental sulks - complete with not one, but two foot stamps - that I said "he gets that from you," to Hubbie. I wasn't thinking really, but one of the reasons we were considered a suitable match for him was because of his resemblance to Hubbie. That seems to extend to his personality as well as his looks.

This morning all the boys were in the back room playing a board game and I looked over. The similarity in their looks, behaviour and moods was quite startling. It's not often I consider what we've bequeathed to our children. This isn't even a nature vs nurture thing it's more that Brown Bear is nothing like me in some fundamental ways. He is brilliant at maths, is a gifted sportsman and is very sociable and popular. I take it personally that he isn't a keen reader as I have always loved books and reading. He just doesn't care for it. We do share a love of music and the arts though. I took him to the theatre last week which we've done since he was about 3 years old. He's had music in his life since before he was born and he's been able to hold a tune and recognise certain artists from an early age. I am a bit terrified that he's good at things I don't know much about. It's inevitable I guess as so much has changed since I was a child.

We took the boys to the cinema to watch Ferdinand - a movie about a bull who wants to defy the expectations of him as he would prefer not to be a fighter. At the end of the film I asked Blue Bear if he enjoyed it and he said he did. Hubbie told me that during the screening Blue had turned to him and said, "it's a sad movie Daddy." It is quite sad at times and I found I was moved by it so it's hardly surprising he would be too. It was amazing to me that not only did he empathise with the character, but he was also able to express the emotional respose he had to it. This is a new area for us with him and might go some way towards explaining why he's so aggressive and changeable at the moment. As he is becoming able to identify and name different emotions we can start to talk to him about how he came to be in this family. We have never made a secret of the fact that he hasn't always lived with us. It's important to us to do this in a way that is sensitive and thoughtful. 

I've noticed that if I give a treat to Blue Bear he will always ask for one for his brother. If I give something to Brown Bear he will take it and eat it. If I give them both something Brown will always ask if I have given him the bigger one or more of it. They are so different in some ways, but then I see Brown holding hands with Blue to help him walk on the ledge along a path. I'm also there when they have almighty rows and it's like negotiating between two superpowers with a low attention span. 

The more I spend time with these boys the more I see how they resemble me and Hubbie. More than anything they are like each other. I'm not sure I have the energy for this ! 

Book review: We are Family

When we first adopted Blue Bear he was very young and didn't talk much. He did, however have a love of books and enjoyed listening to stories. We had always read to Brown Bear and he loved books, so I was keen to share a love of reading with Blue Bear too. I found that there are a lot of special books about adoption, but didn't necessarily want to focus on just one experience. 

I am keen that books are inclusive of all kinds of people so when I received this book to review I was delighted. We are Family tells the story of 24 hours in the life of eight different families. Each of them has their own routines, but the overarching theme is that families love and care for each other. It's great to see characters of different ethnicities depicted in a picture book and to get a sneaky glimpse of how other people live. It's like peeking behind the curtains of your neighbours, only for children. 

This is a beautifully illustrated book with the story told in gentle rhymes that encourage restful sleep and happy dreams. Ryan Wheatcroft is the illustrator and Patricail Hagarty is the writer. There is so much detail in the pictures that I think you would see new things on each re-reading. It would make a lovely gift and I can see this becoming a firm favourite in our house. 

We are Family is published by Little Tiger on January 11th. 

Sunday is family day - whatever kind of family you are

We had a family day today. A late lie in then Hubbie and Brown Bear went out for a bike ride while Blue Bear and I moved furniture and listened to the Archers omnibus. Ok that was mostly me, but he was keeping me company. We sat down for lunch together and then watched a family movie together. I thought we could watch Babe as it has animals in it and it's been years since I last watched it. Brown Bear lost interest pretty quickly, but Blue Bear loves animals so he was enraptured. At one point Fly the sheepdog watches as all her pups are sold on. We see how sad she looks even though she knew her pups would leave her one day. Later that night Babe asks if he can call her Mum. I swear Blue Bear snuggled a bit closer to that point and it brought a tear to my eye.

Brown Bear has been talking about how he grew in Mummy's tummy and Blue Bear was born in another mummy's tummy. He says it in front of his brother and at times I wonder if it makes sense to Blue Bear. He is now 4 years old, but I don't know it he truly understands what it means to be adopted. Why would he ? We weren't in his life for the first year. So much happened in that time. He lived with birth mum, then with foster family then finally he came to live with us. We keep in touch wtih his foster family and it's really important that they are in his life as they hold the memories of that time before we knew him. They met birth mum and they took care of him when she couldn't any more.

We had a birthday party for Blue Bear - his first one - and invited his foster family and the children they currently care for. It was a chance for them to see him in a social setting and they saw how he has made friends and is confident and fun to be around. It was also really touching when I saw my Mum talking to his foster 'mum' and getting on so well with her. It wasn't easy for them to let him go and trust us. So many times they took Blue Bear for contact visits with birth mum and she just didn't turn up. He would get distressed and they would have to take him home until the next time. When we were matched as his family the foster carers were very protective of him and wanted to be assured that this little boy in their care was going to the best home. I like to think that when they see of how happy he is they believe that.

Brown Bear knows what a foster family is, but Blue Bear isn't entirely sure. As time goes on we will be more explicit about how important they have been in his life. He already knows they love him very much. Explaining the journey that brought Blue Bear into our family is not a one time thing. It's ongoing and sometimes unexpected things will bring it into focus. Watching a movie about how a pig was adopted by a sheepdog gave me pause for thought today. Did Blue Bear really understand ? It doesn't matter.

I watched Blue Bear lying against Hubbie on the floor this afternoon. People often comment on how alike they look and it is uncanny. Then later the boys were playing a bowling game on the wii and they were laughing and wrestling on the floor between rounds. For all the fighting and the noise this is what we hoped for.

A family.

David Bowie didn't worry about being 'normal'

For the first blog post of 2018 I had intended to do one of those looking back on the year just gone and reflecting posts. You know where I would figuratively tip my head to one side and go misty eyed while remembering how Blue Bear started at 'big school' and Brown Bear was chosen for the swim squad. My decision to step down from some community commitments to give myself some more time in my life. Then my return to radio which has been good for my soul and my mental health. How I got back into running and trashed two pairs of trainers in 6 months through hardcore training (well, not quite). The triumph of my completing the full moonwalk almost 8 years since I last did it. Achieving a long held ambition to go skiing at Christmas and finding out that Brown Bear is a natural and I haven't forgotten nearly as much as I had expected.

Then the inevitable forward planning for this year. How I'm going to make a triumphant return to the workplace now my boys are settled and happy at school. My continuing pursuit of fitness and health through running, swimming and making better food choices. The aim to be a calmer and kinder parent than I have been. Some other stuff about world peace, yada, yada, yada.

That was what I had intended to write. Then this evening it was all subsumed by a comment by my father-in-law that got under my skin so much that I did something I haven't done in years. I've developed that capacity to smile and tolerate most of his idiocyncracies. I have even been known to laugh or tease him about his assertions that illegal immigrants swim across to Lymington in their droves. So what did he say this time that led me to bite and then to walk away in silence ? 

It was the word 'normal.' I use it myself. I will plead with my sons to 'act normal' when I've had enough of their constant bickering or demands from me. It's shorthand for 'be nicer' as if that is what is normal for everyone. He wasn't using it in that context though. He was saying that my boys have something wrong with them and by association that I am incapable as a mother. He pointed out that how they behave is 'not normal.' Well I don't really know what that means. I think children aged 7 and 4 can be pretty boisterous and having seen lots of other children on holiday I know mine are full of energy, but they are far from unusual. I know my kids are tiring. Of course I do. I know that better than anyone else, because I'm the one who spends most time with them. I also know that when they are tired or hungry they are unreasonable and demanding and if I'm tired too that's not the best combination. 

My mum looked after the boys overnight a while back. She's had Brown Bear overnight a lot, but never both of them. The next day when I sent a message asking how they were my sister replied, "they're not listening." I looked at Hubbie and sighed. Well, what did we expect ? A miracle ? Since that overnight visit I have had inspirational messages from my mother and whenever I visit she makes me food and tea and insists I rest. I think she has some handle on how hard it is with these boys. Mother in law has two sons, so she has more of an understanding about it. Her husband, however, does not. When he insisted that his children weren't like that I snapped. "How would you know, you weren't around." He carried on telling me how he knew they weren't like that so I ended with, "Well they are children, and they're not the same and you never had an adopted son." I walked out of the kitchen and went upstairs where I'm typing this now. 

I don't like to use adoption as a punctuation mark. I really don't want to draw attention to it as a 'special circumstance,' but our boys are not like his boys in any way. I've seen how far we've come and how much they love each other. The bickering and play fighting (which often ends up not so playful) is testament to how much they have grown together. On holiday when we went to check on them one night Hubbie pointed out that they were holding hands across the twin beds. It was precious. 

It's ok if we're not normal. We don't have to be like anyone else. It's not about how we compare with anyone. I'm not always proud of myself. I shout too loud and I tell them off too much. I give in to them and spoil them. I laugh and play with them. I am blown away by how much they have grown up and how funny they are. When they laugh and smile my heart feels like it is going to burst. They are my gorgeous, loving, hilarious, energetic, unpredictable, infuriating, exhausting, challenging, brilliant boys. 

This is our 'normal.'

Adoption Week: Making memories

We've been away for a week and in the first three days the boys slept at my parents' house then at the in-laws' house then in our holiday cottage. Even tonight they were really unsettled and wouldn't go to sleep until quite late. Blue Bear asked me for a "really long hug Mummy." We're very strict about bedtime and when Blue first came to live with us we introduced him to our routine which is a bath, warm milk and bedtime stories. It took a while for him to get used to this way of doing things and now he even takes himself upstairs some evenings declaring, "I tired, I go to sleep."

There is so much he's adapted to and so many things he deals with brilliantly. When he has a blip it catches us off guard. Being in a place he hasn't been to before, seeing a lot of new people or travelling somewhere new. All of these cause anxiety and we see a side of him that we almost don't recognise. Recently when we've been going out he is insistent that he hold an adult's hand the whole time. He clings on tightly and becomes agitated about being safe. This is the child who scooters to school at top speed and waits for no one. He has his own friends and a social circle both inside and outside school.  I forget that there are things he's not ok with and this week has been a stark reminder that familiarity is really important to him.

He's never stayed at my parents' house before and he was really excited about it. I rang in the evening to see if he was ok and then in the morning. He came to the phone - reluctantly - and said, "Not again !" It was adorable and cheeky, but a relief that he was ok. He's slept at Grandma's house quite a few times so that was fine. It was being in a different cottage from last time that really caused ructions. We try not to overwhelm Blue with too many new things and this is the same place we stayed in July. We couldn't stay in the same cottage and this time the boys were in bunk beds - which was always going to be a bit of a drama. However, visiting places we've been to before was a revelation. When we were in Polperro Brown Bear said, "We had crinkles for a snack when we were here last time," as we reached the top of the harbour. As the tide was out we went to the beach this time and the boys remembered that we couldn't last time due to a high tide. At the Eden Project the boys noticed that a bicycle they had ridden before was in a different place. At Lappa Valley they noticed the new swan shaped pedaloes.

Noticing and recording memories is something we take very seriously. There is a chunk of Blue Bear's past we weren't part of so since he's been with us we've taken photos and kept momentoes of everything. I show him photos of when he first came to us and we talk about what he was like when he was a baby. Just like I do with Brown Bear. We remind him that he brought Dog Bear with him when he came to live with us. We keep in touch with his foster family as they are the vital link between birth family and us. They also love him very much and seeing how he is doing in his forever family and with his brother makes them so happy and proud. We haven't talked about adoption with Blue Bear yet, as he is still very young. However, he is a bright boy and it is not something we intend to keep from him. On holiday this week I noticed that he goads his brother now. He still worships Brown Bear, thinks he's wonderful and wants to be just like him. However, he's also braver and will jump on him knowing it's going to get a reaction. It has been lovely to see how much fun he is. On long road trips he would chat to us at the front by pointing out the sheep, or the windmills he could see out of the window. This afternoon when we passed a field of pigs the boys spent about ten minutes oinking and laughing. I tried to point out Stonehenge as we passed it, but the pig impressions were far more fun.

That's what makes being a family for me. Stupid jokes and animal noises. I hope that the boys will remember family time in their own ways and look back with joy.

It's National Adoption Week: There are over 2000 children waiting to be adopted in England. 61% of these children waiting to be adopted are in sibling groups so it's vital to find families for some of the brothers and sisters who desperately need them.

Adoption Week: How TV gets adoption so very wrong

Whenever adoption is depicted on TV and in films I find myself becoming annoyed. Often it's a sideline story littered with inaccuracies and often just downright made up. Further down the line - if it's even referred to - there are no repercussions and it's all but forgotten that adotion ever took place. I've become agitated seeing Stella take in a looked after child without any assessment whatsoever and not so much as a visit from a social worker. Apparently all it takes is a phone call to say that he can stay with a random adult he once knew and it's done. Hollyoaks always used to leave me bemused as vulnerable young adults would wind up living with a family they had no connection with other than living in the same made up soap land. We are so used to seeing american imported TV shows that I suspect there are people who have an entirely erroneous idea of how adoption works over here. If you believed shows like Friends or Modern Family you'd be forgiven for thinking that adoption is like a shopping expedition. Monica and Chandler were interviewed by an agency - who they lied to by the way - and were chosen by the birth mother despite their lies. The day the twins are born they go and pick them up and bring them straight home. No assessment, no home visit, no paperwork, nothing. When Cam and Mitchell adopt Lily she is brought home and again we don't see any follow up at all. At the very least this is poor safeguarding for the children involved. 

I'm going to be honest with you about the reality of adoption. There is a lot of bureaucracy. I mean loads. We had so many visits from social workers that we amended our shopping list so she could have toast during our morning assessments and biscuits on afternoon visits. I developed a system of biscuit management. The simple biscuits for the regular meetings (ginger nuts, rich teas, digestives).  chunkier cookies for the really nice social workers (Waitrose oat and fruit ones) and chocolate biscuits if they were coming to give us good news (Foxes ones in a pack with foil on). At one point I honestly thought we'd never see the end of this process. You know how contestants on the Apprentice talk about proving themselves worthy ? Well that's how we felt. And when the idiots in the jungle undertake disgusting bushtucker trials I can empathise with the bad taste in their mouth in order to achieve a greater good. And let's be truthful it is for the greater good. If you're too lily-livered for the assessment process you just won't cut the mustard as an adopter. 

Another area where the media depiction of adotion veers wildly from reality is post adoption. We rarely see children struggle with a new setting. The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the fears and unknown monsters from their past that you didn't know about. Within weeks of being placed with us we learned that our boy was afraid of the dark when he freaked out in the theatre as the lights went down. We found out he wouldn't sleep on his own and had to reach through his cot to check I was next to him - all night. I realised that he would not be held if he didn't want to be and would make it very clear that he wasn't going to co-operate if anyone tried to impose on his personal space. The relationship between him and our older son was also far more fraught than I had anticipated. They both felt displaced and wanted me all to themselves. It was a constant battle to provide reassurance to both boys and they fought bitterly and cried and screamed and generally made me feel like the worst mother in the world for not being able to keep them both happy. One would push the other one out of the way then the other would hit back. At the lowest point I would close the door to the kitchen as soon as Hubbie got home so that I could just cry and be away from the pulling in two directions. No TV show depicts adoption breakdown. Or the possibility of it happening. 

Today I watched my boys running around chasing each other and play fighting. I saw Blue Bear's adoration of his older brother and Brown Bear's faux annoyance at his younger brother. He secretly loves being a role model and takes it very seriously that he can influence someone so impressionable. Blue Bear has developed an excellent skill of 'managing up' and flatters his brother's ego knowing he will have far more fun that way. I see his skills are so different and his personality is adorable. He feels safe with us and is clearly marking his place in the family with his sense of humour and stubborness. The jealously still rears it's head, but not so much any more. Hubbie worked away overnight a few weeks ago and I whispered to Brown Bear that when his brother had gone to sleep he could sleep in my bed just this once. He was delighted - he got to be my baby for one night. The other night Blue Bear woke up scared he called for me - he usually calls for Daddy. They both know that I am here for them and that I love them equally. It's taken time and hard work and is still a work in progress. 

Adoption is not the easy choice. It's not even the only choice. What it is though, is about the right adopters being matched with children who are waiting for a chance to live in a family. In some cases for the first time in their lives. I didn't learn about adoption from watching TV. I learned by living it. I am still learning. 

It's National Adoption Week: As in previous years, the need to find families for some of our most vulnerable children remains at the heart of this year’s event. There is now clear evidence that decisions for adoption and placement orders are on the rise. With this in mind, National Adoption Week 2017 is focused on the need to find the right adopters for sibling groups.

Adoption Week: Brothers, Sisters, Family.

During the assessment process for adoption we were told that sibling groups are harder to place than single children. It makes sense really. If you have no children to start with taking on 3 or 4 of them, possibly all different ages and stages and with differing needs can be a daunting prospect. I know that when we saw the profile for a group of three children including twins under two and a toddler sibling it felt like an impossible ask. The oldest child already presented with special needs and the younger ones had yet to be assessed. I wasn't sure I could manage so many children at once and I worried that if all of them had additional needs it would be a struggle to give them all the support they needed. 

Not all sibling groups can be placed together. We also saw a profile for a group of 4 children who had 4 other siblings. The 8 children ranged in age from 2 to 10 years old. The two groups of 4 were being fostered close to each other and were being kept in contact with each other. It was anticipated that they would continue to see each other post adoption and that they would remain in contact in the long term. The foster carers were actually related so it worked well. 

In yet another case there were sisters who were being fostered together and who were to be placed for adoption together. One was a white child, the other was dual heritage. Considering how adamant the social workers seemed to be that we had to be an exact match to the ethnicity of the children we wanted to be matched with I was interested to see how they would choose to match these girls with a forever family.

Yet another pair of brothers were living together in foster care and were still seeing their birth mother. The boys had different fathers and the second one was a stark reminder of the difficult relationship that he was born into. The mother did not want anything to do with him and it made him a very anxious child. 

We had made the decision to adopt two children because we knew that multiple children wait longer and that it is more difficult to place children as they grow older. It was our decision to offer a home to siblings, but it was the decision of the social workers to not choose us. I understand now that it was for the best. Our road to being parents was different from what we expected. It wasn't what we had planned for, but it was just right for us anyway. 

I hope those children all found forever families to care for them. That being in a group did not put off potential parents. If it's possible to have a great outcome I really want for those children to have had that. I know that when I look at my birth son and adopted son I see my children. My family. These boys are my life, my soul, my very heart. I hope that the children who did not come to us are loved as fiercely as my children are. 

It's National Adoption Week and this year the theme is sibling groups. There are still over 2000 children waiting to be adopted. 61% of these children are in sibling groups which is why this year the emphasis on helping to find forever families for some of the brothers and sisters who desperately need them.

Adoption Week: What, again ?

Yes it's that time of year again when adoption agencies and organisations seek to publicise the importance of matching children who wait with families who can care for them in the long term. In case you have 'National week' fatigue please bear with me.

National adoption week is a reminder that there are still children who do not live with their birth families - for any number of reasons. That as a society we overlook children and young people who do not have security or long term prospects. It is also a way of educating people who have very little idea about what adoption is or what is involved. I have a personal dislike of inaccurate portrayal of looked after children in the media. Whether it's on an advert or a TV show or in a children's story I find it really difficult to tolerate the depiction of children are 'in care.'

Earlier this week I listened to a radio show presented by Lemn Sissay called Origin Stories. In it he talked about being in foster care and how he chose to see it as a superpower. Then he retold the Harry Potter story from the point of view of the Dursley's who 'fostered' Harry when his parents' died. It was a far more sympathetic portrayal than JK Rowling chose to depict. It also gave credance to the notion that just because a child has had a difficult past it doesn't mean their future has to follow the same negative pattern. The longer a child waits to be placed in long term care the harder they become to match with suitable carers. We were told that once a child is over 5 years old their 'appeal' to prospective adopters plummets. This is a person we're talking about here. A child who has already experienced loss and separation and trauma.

When we first approached local authorities to be assessed as potential adopters they just didn't want to know us. Hubbie and I are different ethnicities and they told us they wouldn't have children who matched our racial mix so it wasn't worth us being assessed. No, seriously they said that to us for real.  It beggars belief that this is even a concern, but hey I've got all week to tell you about that.

So,  I'm going to post about adoption this whole week. I have so much to say about this topic and I hope you will find it interesting. Maybe you could even share the posts if you can - that is the whole point of having a 'national adoption week' after all.

NATIONAL ADOPTION WEEK

National Adoption Week 2017 will take place from the 16th to 22nd October. As in previous years, the need to find families for some of our most vulnerable children remains at the heart of this year’s event. National Adoption Week 2017 will focus on the need to find the right adopters for sibling groups.

(from first 4 adoption website)

Lucky number seven.

My boy is seven today. The first grandchild and nephew in both our families. Seven years ago today I was taken in an ambulance to deliver this boy when it became clear that both he and I were in trouble.  Following a blissful and trouble free pregnancy with a much longed for baby at the last minute it started to go wrong. My husband was told he could lose us both. He never let on to me how bad it was. He stood next to me and held my hand as we joked and laughed - much easier to do when you've been given the drugs, me not him. When the boy finally arrived I told Hubbie to go with him to make sure he was ok and I would be fine. We had done the NCT practice run of this and knew how it would go when an emergency C section took place. The room full of people, the student doctor introducing themselves to us and our baby being taken away immediately for checks. We had agreed that Hubbie would stay with him while I was stitched up. Apparently the boy did a massive poo as soon as he was born. Well his sense of timing is impeccable. We spent the night in a recovery ward and Hubbie went home to sleep for the first time in almost three days. I held my son close and watched him all night. I still go into his room and watch him sleep every night.

Since that day I've experienced more anxiety than I've ever had in my life. I've felt more love than I knew was possible. I still find it amazing that I am someone's mum, never mind two boys. When we talked to Brown Bear about adoption and explained he was going to have a brother he took it in his stride. Until Blue Bear arrived and he had to share me with this little boy who Mummy held and cuddled and protected. They both fought for my attention and I expected this little boy to be the big brother before I taught him what that meant. He was feeling pushed out and I didn't realise. It was difficult. I felt like I was being torn in two and he felt like I didn't love him any more. In his head I only had space to love one boy and it wasn't him any more. 

I look at those boys now and the fierce fraternal bond they have. To anyone who doesn't know they were always brothers. Brown Bear is proud of his younger brother and Blue Bear looks up to his big brother and wants to be just like him. On his first day at school Brown Bear took Blue Bear's hand and walked him to the classroom. When Blue Bear came skipping out at the end of the day Brown Bear was there waiting to greet him with a smile and asked him how his day was. Ok so Brown is up with the lark and annoyingly chipper from the off (he always has been, it's exhausting !) and Blue was born a teenager and could sleep in until ten given the chance. By the end of a school day they are in entirely opposite moods and one wants to play while the other is happy to sit and relax. They are forming a great bond though. They other day as we were driving past a funfair they asked if we could go and Hubbie said no. Brown Bear turned to Blue Bear and said, "Don't worry when we live together we can go the fair whenever we like." I reminded him they live together now and Brown Bear said, "No when we're adults. When we're 45." 

The other night we went out together. Just me and Brown Bear. I am at a conference all day today - I left early and will be home late - and I wanted to do something special for his birthday. We went out for dinner and then to the theatre. He opened doors for me saying, "Ladies first" and held my hand as we walked from the car to the restaurant. He smiled at me in the theatre and asked if I was enjoying the show. When we came home he kissed me good night and said, "I love you more than you love me Mummy." I smiled and replied, "That's just not possible." 

Happy 7th Birthday Baby Boy xxxxxxx

My little boy blue

Blue Bear has started at Brown Bear's school. He is in the nursery and his brother is in year 2. He already knows some of his classmates who also have siblings in the school and the teachers are also familiar. On the first day the boys rode their scooters to school and parked them next to each other in the stand outside the school office. Brown Bear took his brother's hand and walked him to the nursery gate. Blue Bear walked off without even saying bye. It was about the best first day I could have imagined.

I can't believe that he's old enough for school already. That he walks in and hangs up his book bag on a peg with his name and photo on it. He can get a cup of water and knows where to put the dirty cups after having a drink. That he eats lunch at school - even if he never remembers what he ate - and is big enough to choose what he wants and to feed himself. At hometime he comes out and asks for his scooter and a snack and races his friend round the quad while we wait for his brother to come out of class.

My helpful little boy 

This little boy who was nervous, emotional, almost wordless and struggled to sleep has transformed before our eyes. Blue Bear is a teenager in tiny form. He is not an early riser so while Brown Bear is awake at dawn and wide awake and 'on' from the minute his eyes open Blue Bear is a "don't talk to me before I've had a black coffee" kind of guy. I often go in to wake him up and he rolls over and says he wants to stay in bed. After school Brown Bear is tired and winding down from his day and Blue Bear is just warming up and at maximum cheekiness. One of them wants to sit quietly and relax after school and the other is prodding his brother to elicit and reaction.

On the one day he doesn't go into school I take Blue Bear out to do fun things with me and the other day we invited his little friend to join us. Her mum said they couldn't do it that day, so I asked if she would like a face to face video chat instead. I can honestly say watching two 3 year olds video chatting is the cutest thing ever. They were just adorable and I found myself marvelling at his social and conversational skills. Later in the week the two of them were eating popcorn and watching a DVD together at our house and making small talk. He was so kind and thoughtful and when she left to go home he gave her a cuddle and thanked her mum for bringing her over. He did sit on her brother first though.

I watch my little boy these days and I see his personality emerging. Now he's coming out of the shadow of his big brother I see a funny, caring, clever boy. Ok I would say that - I am his mum after all. It warms my heart and makes me feel that we're getting something right.

I hope he feels the same way.

From boys to... not quite men, but working on it.

When I think about my parenting I'm not proud of myself - I think only of the times I have shouted at my kids, the arguments we've had, the seemingly never ending stream of, "don't do that," "no !" "stop it !" and "leave your brother alone." Then I catch sight of one of my boys. I saw Blue Bear putting on his shoes and thought, "when did he learn to do that ?" I forgot all the times I sat with him and put his shoes on or showed him how to put them on. This evening I went to see how Brown Bear was getting on with his homework and he asked me how to do the maths puzzles so I told him to look for the pattern and he said, "Ok, I've got it now." I came back a few minutes later and he was racing through them. He did indeed have it.

I've been cooking with the boys recently - Blue Bear and I made pastries and I said "let's brush them with milk," and he said, "I'll do it Mummy." I watched as he carefully and precisely brushed milk over them and could not believe this was my baby boy. Brown Bear is really keen to apply for junior bake off so I agreed to help him practise. He has spent a lot of time designing a showstopper cake, so I thought I'd get him started with a family favourite. We baked some banana bread and he followed the recipe from my notebook, measured the ingredients with me using digital scales, mixed the batter using an electric hand whisk and timed the cooking. He was very happy with the cake, but insisted that next time he bakes will do it all himself. I think he will too !

In the last few days the Guardian ran a piece by a man explaining how he feels that his work as a stay at home parent is undervalued compared with paid work outside the home. This was greeted with a national chorus of "well duh !" from women (and men). Way to go there Guardian, some epic mansplaining and complete disregard for what women have been saying for, oh I dunno, decades ? I feel devalued as a person because my worth in financial terms is non-existent. I can show you my children, my home, my writing, but I can't show you any pay for those 'jobs' and I don't have any references. The joint decision we made that I would take care of our children and Hubbie would work did not include an agreement to become invisible and irrelevant. So, yes, women's work is devalued and let's be honest parenting is still seen as 'women's work.'

On the toughest days I tell Hubbie that he should stay at home and I can go to work again. He can be the one who acts as referee, cook, butler, party planner, tutor, playmate and occasional furniture. I can be the one who gets to talk to adults, read my ipad on the train, make small talk with people in shops, take a phone call without being interrupted by a small child needing something urgently (a wooden train, a drink of water, the answer to why is the cat white ?). My friend Yasmin told me today she has the same conversation with her husband and then she said something that I've heard so many times before, but today I really felt it. "What we're doing is so important. This matters."

This morning we all went on the school run. The boys on their scooters, Hubbie on his bike and me on foot. It was Blue Bear's first day and Brown Bear was so proud to take his little brother to school. We took the obligatory photo before we left - not in front of the door though, I don't do that cliche - then made our way up the hill. As the boys scootered off into the woods Hubbie said to me, "Well done. You did it, you got them here." The boys parked their scooters next to each other outside the school office and Brown Bear held his brother's hand to walk him to the nursery gate. I swelled with pride - then took a deep sigh of relief.

Tonight as I put Brown Bear to bed he asked me to sit on his bed so he could read me a story called "I love my mummy because..." and looked at me after each page, "...she gives me hugs... she is beautiful... she holds my hand, etc." We hugged each other and I said, "I loved that story baby, thank you."

No, I don't get paid. There's no Christmas party, or secret Santa. My reward is seeing my boys grow up. To watch them become the amazing young men I know they will be. I can live with that.

Fostering resentment makes this adopter furious

Fostering was under the media spotlight this last week following a salacious news item in the Times newspaper. The 'story' (for fiction is the kindest way to describe it) was factually incorrect, designed to create discord and more than anything it was inflammatory and racist. The row centres on a 'Christian child' being placed with 'Muslim foster carers.' The biggest cause of consternation being that the female carer wore a head covering and apparently the family spoke Arabic at home. I listened to a radio interview with the Mayor of the Tower Hamlets - the council involved in the story - and then with the journalist who reported the story. Neither gave a particularly good account of themselves or inspired confidence in the system of fostering and adoption or of news gathering.

I know both Tower Hamlets Council and the fostering and adoption system in this country pretty well. Hubbie worked at Tower Hamlets during our first adoption process and when we asked to be considered as potential adopters for a child in foster care with them. Initially they told us we weren't the correct racial match with him (even though they didn't know Baby R's exact ethnicity) then overnight they changed their matching policy to prevent us from adopting him because Hubbie worked for the local authority with which he was placed. It was really cynical and when I spoke to other couples of mixed race they reported similar treatment by local authorities seeking a 'perfect match' for the children waiting for permanent families.

Now, first up the concept of a perfect match is ridiculous, but more than anything the maths just doesn't work. The number of children waiting who have unspecified ethnicity or possibly muslim parentage is disproportionate to the number of muslim families waiting to adopt them. There are, however, muslim foster carers who take any and all children who need temporary placement for whatever reason. You see fostering and adoption are entirely different things and this was not discussed in the news item about this case. A child can be placed with any available and suitable carer and their ethnicity or religion is a lesser consideration than the safety and security of the child.

Blue Bear was removed from his birth family late at night and taken to his foster carers' home. He was their first foster child and they loved him like their own. They are a Muslim family and the women wear the hijab. The children they are currently fostering are of south east asian descent and have been with them for over a year. The family make food that the children like, they speak to them in English and the girls are very attached to their foster family. When we meet up it is clear to us that they are in the best place until a permanent solution can be found for them.

The Times news story does no one any favours. It will not encourage Muslim families to apply to adopt so as they will feel they are under additional scrutiny and their motives will be questioned. The children who have been placed in local authority care will wait even longer as approved foster carers who are capable of providing a home for them will have to prove they are not 'indoctrinating' the children in their care. I've talked - often and at length - about why placing children based on religion or ethnicity is flawed at best. This is just a new and ridiculous spin on an age old problem of society finding ways to demonise people who care for children in care. The children who are already below the radar and have often experienced loss, trauma and separation before they are placed with people trained and trusted to help them.

The question of payment came up on the radio interview. Yes foster carers do get paid. I know quite a few of them now and believe me they are not paid nearly enough for the work they do and the care the provide. These are the people who have to try and explain when birth parents don't show up for long planned meetings with their children. They are the ones who might have their homes trashed, their belongings stolen and even be physically harmed by the children in their care. They are there to pick up the pieces - sometimes literally - when things don't work out for the children and they are there to advocate for them. All the while they continue to keep the children safe and produce detailed reports for the local authority. They undergo training, aseessment and ongoing checks all the while they are looking after vulnerable children. When it is time to move the children on the foster carers are not consulted or involved in decision making. I know from personal experience that they know the children far better than a social worker who visits once a fortnight (if that).

If you detect that I sound angry then you're damn right. I am furious. This kind of irresponsible reporting and doctoring of photos to prove a non existent point does nothing to help children in foster care. It does even less to address the chronic shortage of foster carers in this country. The Muslim carers who looked after my boy before he came to us are the most precious link we have to his past. They took him in at the most traumatic time of his life and they stayed up and held him close when he screamed at night. They taught him how to play with toys and to make eye contact and to trust people. They helped this little boy to become the happy and loving child we met and adopted. The appearance of the mother and the food they ate or the language they spoke are completely irrelevant. It is because they fostered him that we are able to call Blue Bear our son.

Shame on anyone who believes that the religion of a foster carer has any bearing on their capacity to care for a vulnerable child.

How popcorn helps me talk to my boys about adoption

A recent development that has been great is the realisation that Blue Bear loves watching movies. He will sit and concentrate with his brother and pay close attention to the plot and characters and this is helping me with managing the long days of the school holidays. In fact this week I've got Blue Bear at home and Brown Bear at sports camp so I'll be taking Blue to the cinema for a morning screening just him and me. It's something we haven't done before so I'm looking forward to seeing what he makes of it. I always take popcorn and drinks from home and if he's really hungry afterwards we can go for lunch. I might even ask our lovely neighbour Jill if she wants to join us. 

When we got home from a busy weekend this afternoon I asked the boys if they fancied watching a film while I got their dinner. Blue Bear has been staying with Grandma and Grandpa and Brown Bear has been with my parents this weekend. They've both missed each other, but immediately that they see each other they argue and bicker. Perfectly normal for brothers I guess, but exhausting for me and Hubbie who rarely get child free time and when we do it's all too short-lived. I popped on Stuart Little for them and sort of watched it myself - which I don't usually do - and it inspired this post. 

I've mentioned before how open we are about adoption in our family and we have always answered truthfully when Brown Bear asks questions about it. With Blue Bear starting school in September I am guessing he will start to ask questions and be curious too. I find that movies are a great shorthand for the emotional topics that are difficult to talk about. Here are the top ones that have helped me talk about adoption, fostering and different families. 

Inside Out: is obviously about emotions - what with them being the central characters. However, it's also about friendship, life changes and how out of control children can feel when adults make difficult decisions that they cannot influence. Each time Brown Bear has watched it we have talked about different emotions and how he feels about things. It has given us a common a language to address difficult feelings he experiences and it's given me an 'in' to talk to him about them. 

Paddington: was the first movie that we really identified as being explicitly about adoption. When Paddington first arrives from Peru he's alone, frightened and the Brown family know very little about him. When Blue Bear arrived with us it was very similar and we talked about how hard it must have been for him to understand our home and habits when he wasn't used to us. Brown Bear also recognised that being the new one in a family is difficult and we talked about how he must have felt when Blue Bear came into his home and shared his family. 

Stuart Little: We only watched this today, but the themes of not fitting in and being different were really interesting. We talked about how George finds it hard to accept his new brother and while the adoption is a little simple and easy for my liking, the relationship between the brothers is the bit that works well for me. I like that they work towards loving each other and that Stuart even wins over the family cat Snowbell (who looks a lot like Neo so that works for us too).

Star Wars: Ok bear with me here, because it's an out there concept, but the family at the centre of the 'proper' Star Wars movies is a scruffy Nerf Herder, a princess, a trainee jedi and a wookie. The family that is thrown together in adversity. Luke is raised by his aunt and uncle and doesn't find out who his real father is and when he does it's not what he was hoping for. It's a messy situation all round, but I think it's a great metaphor for the complicated nature of families and nature vs nurture. Not a conversation that I'm planning to have with Blue Bear at this point, but useful to have in the locker for later. 

Annie: The Albert Finney version is great fun and the new version has an interesting take on the story that includes social media and technology. Annie's search for her 'real parents' and the doggedness with which she pursues the tiny bits of information she has is heartbreaking. The determination to find out anything she can is something I am prepared for when Blue Bear is older. Whatever we can tell him we will, but there are gaps that we may never be able to fill for him. Miss Hannigan may not be the best advert for fostering, but the cameraderie of the girls in her 'care' is amazing. Oh and I like the dog. 

Despicable Me: While it's not the central storyline, the take away for me in the first movie was how adoption isn't always straightforward or wholly positive. Gru adopts the girls for his own selfish motives and when he thinks he has lost them forever he realises how much he has grown to love them. The girls accept the crazy life they are adopted into complete with minions and plans for world domination and in turn they bring something to Gru's life that he didn't know he needed. The really profound part of this for me is seeing his mother develop a loving relationship with the girls which she didn't have with her own son. There's adoption breakdown, a genuine family relationship and fluffy unicorns. Honestly, what's not to love ?  

So those are my top few movies that helped me talk about adoption with Brown Bear. I'm sure there will be others that will appeal to Blue Bear as he will have different questions and probably responses that I'm not prepared for yet. I'm not sure what he's going to make of Boss Baby this week though.