Big emotions in our home this week - grief, sadness, disappointment and a lot of hurt. In what has been an unrelenting (almost) 2 years we have all been through a lot. It's felt unending and despite my capacity to be like a Weeble and never fall down I am the closest I've ever been. Yes I can handle it, I know I am strong, of course this will be the making of me. You know what though ? I'd just like a bit of breathing space. A break from the punches that keep raining down.
I'll be damned if this state of mind takes me over. I have made it out of a situation in which it was like my head was being held under water. I was fighting to breathe and yet I kept putting myself back there because it was what I knew. Now I have no idea what happens next. Yes I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time. You know what though ? That isn't going to cut it any more. Fearing that someone can pull the rug from under me. Looking over my shoulder or waiting for approval. Waiting for recognition or kindness in return from those I have given it to. Nope.
So this is how I plan to get to the next stage. The bit where I start to move forward and things improve.
Do less - a lot less.
Stress less about how to fit everything in
Worry less about keeping the house tidy
Have fewer things on my 'to do' list (or not have a list at all !)
Not so much FOMO - honestly if I don't go to that gig or watch that show life will go on
Then there's what I have to do more of:
I need to sleep more
Rest ie. sit down and relax
Drink tea from a proper cup, not in a travel cup while running out of the door or balancing in one hand while driving
Watch TV and lounge around with my kids
Onesie & movie Thursday should be extended to the other days too
This evening Brown Bear gave me his biggest soft toy and said, "Keep it to cuddle." So I am typing this with Sully on the pillow next to me and Suits on the TV.
Monsters inc. went from being powered by screams to harnessing the power of laughter. That sounds like a pretty good aspiration to me right now.