Sharing is caring

My funny family 

This morning I had one of those experiences of shared parenting that reminded me how unequal it really can be at times. I came back from my early swim and we had a small window of time for me to get ready then take the boy to pre-school while Hubbie did some attic stuff at home. I got home and Hubbie assured me that the boy was ready to go. I asked if he would make sure that the boy had shoes and a coat on while I did a few things.

So, in the following 20 minutes I:

• Put the kettle on for a cup of green tea and cracked eggs into a bowl for scrambled egg
• While the kettle boiled I put out the recycling into three separate bins
• Hung up my wet swimming kit 
• Went upstairs to sort out some washing - realised the trousers I was wearing needed a wash 
• Tried on three different pairs of jeans before deciding on the ones to wear
• Came back downstairs, put on the washing machine, stirred scrambled egg 
• Put washing into machine, followed by washing liquid, conditioner and water softener tablet
• Ate the egg and poured tea into hot mug to take with me as I didn't have time to drink it 

What did the boys get done in this time ?:

• I asked if the boy had socks on - he did not

I mention this because sometimes however much you want to share parenting it's unequal. Up until now the arrangements for parental leave to care for children has been unequal. When our boy was born I was entitled to a year off work, but Hubbie was only entitled to two weeks. With annual leave he was able to take long weekends to be with us for the first few months, but that was exceptional compared with most of our friends. The leave allowances for families have been pretty unevenly weighed in favour of one partner, usually the mother. I don't even know how this works for same sex couples with families, but I guess one partner would take the full leave allowance and the other would get the same two weeks as my Hubbie had. What it meant was that Hubbie was not there when he wanted to be as his work did not allow for him to spend as much time with our new son as he would have liked.

All that is about to change as parents will now have greater flexibility in how they share the care of their child in the first year after birth. New regulations regarding Shared Parental Leave (SPL) will come into force from April 2015, when parents will have greater choice over how they share time off work to care for their child. Shared Parental Leave allows working couples to share up to 50 weeks of leave and 37 weeks of pay in a way that suits their work and family needs. This would have meant that me and Hubbie could have shared the leave between us instead of it being only one of us who was allowed to take it. The new regulations mean that parents can take time off together or they can tag team, stopping and starting leave and returning to work in between if they wish. It also applies to adoption leave which is great news. 

Having the option to spend time with your children should not be only given to one parent. Not everyone has the Brad and Angelina option of taking their kids along with them wherever in the world they are working. It also helps that they have the resources to hire a gaggle of nannies and private tutors too. Most of us have to rely on family or childminders and nurseries to support our parenting. We genuinely co-parent and have from the very beginning. We don't have any family nearby and had to do all the work ourselves. These changes will hopefully enable parents to share the time and enjoy that first year when so many exciting things happen in our children's lives.

Marking a milestone with my boy 

I (more than) get by with a little help from my friends

I'm blessed with some amazing friends - I'm more than usually aware of this tonight as I've been struggling this week to keep up with myself. The early starts and the rushing back from work so I'm in time to pick up our boy from school has been taking its toll. I started my new job last week and have already clocked miles travelling to Brighton, Liverpool and Oxford for meetings and conferences and this week Hubbie started his new job too. Our boy has been going to breakfast club and after school creche in order to accommodate our new busy timetable and we're all a bit shattered.

Yes. it's the actual Yellow Submarine !!

This evening as I popped out to get some bits and pieces from the shops I called an old friend - he's not old I've just known him a long time - to discuss the latest adventures in our household. When discussing the work situation he reminded me that this is an amazing opportunity for me to get some great experience and that it will take time for it to feel 'normal' for all of us, but it will happen. Rob and I have been friends for over 20 years and he knows me pretty well and there's no hiding from him when things aren't great. He's right of course. I'm feeling a bit crappy about it all because I'm worried about our boy coping with the new routine. I feel guilty because I'm not at home all the time to do the things I was doing before so the house is a mess and I have a constantly increasing to do list. I'm tired because even though I vowed to go to bed by ten it just doesn't happen.

When I got home from the shops I was rushing - as I seem to be all the time lately - and was very snappy with Hubbie. As if he'd realised why he mentioned that we could make some changes to our working patterns so that it wouldn't all feel so panicky for me. We discussed it further and I think we've come up with a pretty good solution that will enable me to work smarter. He is good like that and will always try to fix things to make it easier for me. Bear in mind that he has a pathological hatred of DIY and yet he made a late night trip to B&Q last night to sort out a curtain rail that had an unfortunate run-in with our 4 year old last weekend.

You see I consider Hubbie a friend too. Not the one I've know longest, but certainly one who is just as amazing as the others. I mean he knows how rotten I can be when it's been a while since I've eaten - or just because it's Monday - and he still chose to marry me. We both have to deal with our boy when he's being difficult and it does get trying, but we don't forget that we're friends underneath it all. I don't mean we're only friends - of course there's more to it than that. This is a PG rated blog though so I won't elaborate on that.

When I was a child my Mum used to criticise how close I was to my friends. She would say that I did far too much for them and that when they didn't reciprocate I would get hurt - she was only half right. You see some friends are like dominos - they lean on you and you in turn lean on others. Then there are the ones who know you so well that you don't even have to tell them the whole story. They just say the thing you need to hear or do something that you didn't know you needed. Like Neil doing a 'Smiley's People' style meeting this week over the road from my office. Or Gareth changing plans so he could join me and Hubbie for a gig at very short notice. Or Carole checking in with me to see how I am getting on in my new job. Or SJ putting the bollard down on her drive for us - no I'm not even going to elaborate on that.

What I've realised over the years is that great friends are the family you choose. The really good ones are priceless and if you're lucky enough to have someone who is both a friend and family then be thankful.

Yes, I'm talking about you Hubbie :)

How to stay married and (mostly) sane

It's the August Bank Holiday weekend and me and Hubbie are spending some 'quality time' together while our boy has a mini holiday with Grandma. We did it for the first time last year and despite it being really weird to not have our boy with us we did get used to it - eventually - and had a fab time. So much so that we've decided to do it again this year.

Hubbie pointed out the other day that we've been together ten years and it occurred to me that we must be doing something right. You see we're both on our second (and hopefully forever) marriage. We made some mistakes in our respective first marriages and we hope we've learned enough to not repeat them. We're by no means experts, nor are we saddoes who buy each other teddy bears declaring our mutual love all the time - when a friend suggested recently that we are quite lovey dovey I tried to work out where she had got that impression from and I still have no idea.

What I can do is tell you what I've found helps to keep marital harmony - or at least some semblance of sanity in an otherwise chaotic toddler management programme that we both seem to be entrapped within. I can't promise that these will work for everyone, but here are the main ones I can share:

Don't point out that the gaps (that are still growing) in the kitchen floor are a result of his shoddy work in plumbing in the washing machine. This caused flooding under the laminate boards and they've separated while drying out - and yes, I do realise the irony of mentioning this online. 

I've realised that it's not a good idea to try and hang anything from pictures to coats on hooks that Hubbie has put up. We know that DIY isn't his thing and it takes many attempts to put up hooks, etc and leaves the walls looking like an inefficient and short-sighted sniper has had a go at them.

Don't mention weight gain. This works both ways, of course, but especially as Hubbie's parents like to point out how big he is every time they see him (he's not). They know better than to say anything to me besides, 'have you lost weight ?' He does the classic, " you always look lovely to me," line, but is also honest if I ask him if a dress suits me or not. Honest in a way that won't get a vase thrown at his head, though, not in a, "did you wear that when you were pregnant ?" way.

When we were on holiday Hubbie set the TV in the gym to Radio 4 so I could listen to the Archers while I was on the surfboard thing that he told me about. This was while he took our boy off for a play so that I could have some 'me time.'

When we met I earned more than him and it never bothered him - it might not seem much, but some men don't take too well to that sort of thing. Now I don't earn anything and he's fine with that too - I'm not, but that's another story for another day.

I love dim sum, but Hubbie doesn't do 'communal food' that everyone dips into from the table. If I want to have dim sum I go out with my friends, but sometimes I will buy it from the big Chinese supermarket and make it at home so that he can enjoy dim sum without having to dip in with other people. Same applies to indian food like bhajis.

Shared interests: we present a radio show together - ok not everyone will do this, but Hubbie prepares the songs and does the pre-production and I do the on air production stuff like the desk and mics. We joke that it's the only time we talk to each other, but it genuinely is something we love to do together.

Having separate interests: I have no interest in sport whatsoever. I may have mentioned this before - many times. However, Hubbie takes the boy to football every week during the season and I do things that I like. I might go to a matinee or an exhibition or just go for a nice meal / afternoon tea with a friend.

When we were first dating we went out for dinner one evening and I wanted to order gnocchi, but they had run out. A few days later when I was at his place for dinner he made me gnocchi because he wanted to make me happy. I know, I know it's sappy, shut up it made me happy ok ?

Lastly - and this is either pathetic or romantic depending on what your take is. When we have a bowl of sharing food like prawn crackers or nacho chips or pretzels I eat all the broken ones so that he doesn't have to. I honestly think Hubbie has no idea that I do this. It's daft isn't it ? We both love to eat chocolate, but I don't do pralines so he eats all the ones I don't from a selection box.

Maybe my mantra for a successful marriage should be:

"Share the love, the music and the laughter, but eat the crumbs when he's not looking and he'll always make sure that nuts don't ruin your day."

Have a super bank holiday weekend :)

And matching glasses - natch :)

Neo is the one (if you're not a cat person probably best skip this one)

Six years ago we walked into the cattery at Battersea Cats and Dogs Home and as we opened the door a handsome chap greeted us. His ulterior motive was to try and escape, but he realised this wasn't going to happen so decided to charm us instead. We'd gone there looking for 2 cats who could keep each other company while we were at work. All the pairs had been allocated.

Fame

The chap who'd greeted us wandered freely around all the cat pens and we saw his write up. Domestic short hair, 6.5 years old. Suitable for a family with children. Prefers a garden. He was looking down at us from a height at this point. We discussed whether we could take just one cat instead as we had hoped for two. Hubbie confessed he'd fallen for the white cat who was watching us. That was Neo's plan all along.

We asked if he had been allocated and were directed to the vet who told us he had a heart murmur and an undiagnosed skin condition. She advised we go away and think about whether to take him on and to decide. He'd already been rehomed and come back and it wasn't fair on him. I went to see a vet the next day and took some advice. She said that depending on how bad the murmur was he might live for months or years. It was a risk, but not measurable.

I told Hubbie and we decided we had to bring him home with us. I went to the PDSA and bought a cat basket and we got cat toys, a scratching post and litter tray. It was a week later before we could pick him up and I was desperate to bring him home as I didn't want him to be in that pen for a day longer than necessary knowing how much he loved to roam.

Saturday morning came and we were up early and on the train with our basket to pick him up. He was checked over by the vet and they gave us his blanket and a towel to keep the rain out. As we were leaving every volunteer stopped us to say goodbye to Neo. They were going to refuse the suggested £50 donation as they couldn't be sure how long he had and didn't feel it was right to take our money. We insisted on giving the donation as we valued his life however long or short it was going to be.

Drinks at the poolside

On the train home he was cooed and petted by children and other passengers who admired his good looks. As soon as we got home he checked out the whole house. We couldn't let him outdoors for few weeks and he was home all day so I would rush home from work and go straight to him and fuss and feed him. On his first visit outside I stood at the garden fence he'd just leapt over and worried he'd get lost or never come home again. My heart felt like it had stopped the whole time he was gone, but after a little while he skipped back indoors and ate his dinner. He'd come home to us.

He loves being outside and now that we have a very big garden it is his domain. He is a total Mummy's boy, but is a character who is recognised by all the neighbours. When they ask if the white cat is ours I always ask if he's been any trouble and they just smile and say no he just pops by sometimes. He is very sociable.

When I was pregnant he used to sit on my belly and listen to the baby's heartbeat. When I was in hospital with the newborn he looked around for me and pined. He gave the baby a wide berth, but used to check he was asleep before going to bed himself. Now they are the best of friends and the toddler loves to feed Neo and they even share the sofa occasionally.

Neo chose us six years ago and we fell for him. I took him to the vet for a check up after six months and he said the heart murmur was undetectable.

We like to think we mended his heart with love.

Happy Anniversary Neo :)

My first baby

My imaginary family (and other first world problems)

I have a lot more than this 

Talk to anyone who has known me for a few years and they will tell you about my compulsive shoe and handbag habit. Neil will tell you how at Uni I was invited to most concerts because I was the only one who had a credit card to pay for gig tickets. This is the only explanation I can (or will) offer for having been to see Clannad. Bee will tell you how I own more coats than it is possible to wear - I know this because when we were watching Buffy once I mentioned that she had a different coat on every night and Bee said the words, "Pot, Kettle, Black." SJ will tell you I have accessories ranging from belts and bangles to perky hats and pashminas. I might not remember what day it is, but I will be damned if I'm going out uncoordinated.

I mention these oddities as my evil capitalist ways have been curbed in recent years, due to a combination of reduction in income and changed priorities. Yes I know being a stay at home parent is reward enough - blah, blah, blah - and I genuinely do prefer to buy things for my son and Hubbie. However I appear to have swapped one overindulgent habit for another. It became apparent to me as I found myself picking up far too many Easter gifts yesterday - I can't say any more than that as Hubbie does read this and I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Hot Cross buns a-go-go

You see there are three of us and yet I grocery shop like the apocalypse is imminent. At Christmas I bought 4 Christmas puddings - 4 !! Our boy doesn't even eat Christmas pudding and we still have two of them. I've just stopped myself from buying a bumper pack of Easter eggs from Thorntons - I've already bought enough for all of us and all our siblings. In the supermarket the other day I bought up one of every type of Easter cake for a 'special Easter afternoon tea' and we currently have four flavours of hot cross buns at home. I reiterate, there are three of us.

Don't panic though, I think I've worked it out. I'm shopping for my imaginary family. I know, I know. Bear with me here. I'm one of four siblings, my father is too and my mother is one of five. Hubbie has one brother and we have one son. I always thought I'd have a pretty big family. I wanted to have four and Hubbie was kind of ok with two. Before we had our boy we were approved to adopt two children and at one point were asked to consider three children - a toddler and younger twins - so we would have been a pretty big family overnight.

As it is we have one child and he is gorgeous and we adore him. However, we had thought we'd have more and part of me clearly hasn't let that go. In my head I was supposed to have a brood of kids and I'm clearly shopping for them. That's why I have enough cakes to sink a small fleet, a freezer filled with mini twister lollies and enough straws to build a replica Eiffel Tower.

I saw someone this afternoon who I haven't seen for a few years. She asked me if I'd had any luck in falling pregnant again and I told her I had been and it hadn't worked out. She said, "Oh well at least you've got little one." Of course I have and he's not a consolation prize. She's not the only one to remind me that our family is incomplete. It's a regular question and I dread any family event where I'll see someone who's onto their second or third or more pregnancy. It reminds me what I don't have and it prompts them or others to ask if we want to have more children.

Of course we do.

I'm not ungrateful for my small family. I love how close we all are. I just have to get real about how much chocolate, cake and biscuits we can get through.

Why my friend Penny wishes she had breast cancer.

You may have seen this poster - it has been in papers and magazines and is also now on the walls of tube stations too. Hubbie came home from work last week and said, "did you know Penny is in the Evening Standard ?" This was the poster he was referring to.

The woman in the poster was one of our midwives. On the morning of 30th September 2010 she took over from the Glenis and Rosie who had been sweltering in the birth room with me since the previous afternoon. We had met Penny a few times and during the pre-natal checks we had talked about yoga, being healthy and how she loved her job - helping women to give birth as naturally as possible. By the time we got to the day our son was born we felt we knew her pretty well. As things didn't go to plan in the birth (when do they ever ?) she was calm and - more importantly - a calming influence. It's this calmness and the smile she had on her face as she told Hubbie our son was born and she'd stay with me as he went to meet our boy that I remember vividly. Penny took the most beautiful photos of us all as a family within minutes and the image of my Hubbie joyful at the sight of our much longed for newborn, healthy son is one that I am forever grateful to her for capturing for us.

We stayed in touch and shared photos on Facebook and were delighted when she announced she was getting married to her wonderful partner Terry. Beautiful photos of their special day followed. Then last year she dropped a bombshell when she told us all that she had inoperable pancreatic cancer. It was very serious and the prognosis was not good. This was a woman who was healthy, fit and took care of herself. It turns out it had taken months of going back and forth to get that diagnosis even though Penny's father had pancreatic cancer. Her own children are similarly at risk.

I interviewed Penny on my radio show last year - you can listen to the interview here. Since she was diagnosed she has been determined to increase awareness of pancreatic cancer and how serious it is. She has been interviewed in magazines, on television and on radio. As she says she wants something good to come out of this and if people get tested and know what to look out for then maybe their chances of surviving will be better than the current shockingly low rate of 3%. Pancreatic cancer is the fifth biggest cancer killer in the UK and yet so few people know anything about it.

So we come to the controversy caused by the words, "I wish I had breast cancer." There has been all manner of hand-wringing and media sorts claiming it's immoral and terrible to wish to have any cancer. The people featured in the campaign have spoken on TV and radio about why they took part and they have even been asked if they regret the sentiment of the poster. Considering that Penny and the others featured in the campaign all have Pancreatic Cancer and know their chances of surviving would be much better if they had breast cancer I think they have a right to express how they feel in any way they choose. None of this takes away from the pain and anguish of breast cancer - this isn't a competition.

The lovely folks at Pancreatic Cancer Action have sent me this handy infographic to share with you. They are keen to see more people being diagnosed early enough to increase their chances of surviving.

I hope that Penny's amazing progress continues in a positive direction. She has been tireless in campaigning all the while undergoing gruelling treatment that has left her feeling sick and exhausted. The hope is that after this latest round of radiotherapy she will be able to have an operation to increase her life chances.

Kerry Harvey also appeared in the posters and TV advertising and she gave interviews passionately defending her decision to take part in such a controversial campaign. Sadly Kerry passed away on Saturday morning.  I would like to dedicate this post to her memory and to Penny for her amazing strength. They are both genuinely an inspiration.

Thanks to Pancreatic Cancer Action for giving permission to use these images.

He eats marmite and I'm the Crazy Cat Lady ?

I love my cat.

partners in crime

The way he wanders into a room and miaows "Hello" and when he is fed he miaows "thank you"

The way he has trained the boy to pilfer biscuits for him when we've said no

The way he twitches his nose when someone is eating marmite - he licked Hubbie's toast the other morning

The way he sits on the stairs staring at us when we look like we're going away

The way he comes running downstairs when we get home from being away then pretends not to care that we're back

The way he comes in wet from the rain and then miaows to be dried off with his warm towel

Most of all I love him because when I couldn't find him yesterday afternoon and I looked everywhere for him:

I looked in the garden

I looked on his bed

I looked on our bed

Finally,

I found him on the boy's bed, snuggled up with a toy dog and a teeny tiny teddy bear.

This is why I love my cat :)

There's cute, then there's my cat :)

This post is part of Mummy Never Sleeps linky All the small things

Love is... music, chocolate and sarcasm

Now as I type this me and Hubbie are on the radio presenting our Valentine's Day show - we do our show every two weeks and we pick a theme and choose alternate songs based on that theme. We joke that it's the only time we actually talk to each other, but the truth is we love to banter between songs and it's a chance to share our passion for music and bizarre facts with whoever is interested in listening to our ramblings.

I know not everyone is into Valentine's Day. Yes it's very commercial and a made up holiday and an excuse to sell cards and flowers and chocolates and to charge more for a set meal in a restaurant because you just have to go out and if you are still in a new relationship it's a minefield (and breathe). If you are single it can be a hellish thing much like the scene in Sex and the City the movie which typifies the miserable singleton experience of Valentine's Day. However, it is a thing and there are more songs written about love than almost anything else so it seemed an apt theme for our show - so there !

Besides which I'm married and we've been together almost ten years so we're supposed to be in the 'romance ? what's that ?' stage of life. I don't really get why you're supposed to celebrate being cynical about being in love when actually I genuinely do love Hubbie and my son and our cat. It's not just humans who get all loved up on this day either, 3% of all pet owners will give their cat a gift on this day. Neo got a kiss and cuddle from our boy, but he did wander off with disdain that it wasn't accompanied with a shake of biscuits in his food bowl.

If you are quite old or into cartoons you may recall that in the seventies there was a thing called "Love is..." with two slightly chubby characters who were pretty much naked all the time. Each one signified something that was supposedly typical of love and it was usually something twee like, "giving her the moon," or "kisses on a park bench."  I was never really into them if I'm honest. They were always a bit too schmaltzy for me, but inspired by this retro romanticism I've compiled my own signifiers of love - just for you this Valentine's Day.

You are welcome :)



Love is... Hubbie remembering the elephant teapot I mentioned that time we went past that shop in town








Love is... going out with my son and Hubbie for lunch instead of for dinner in the evening, because we love our boy's company - even if he prefers to watch Alphablocks on Daddy's phone.






Love is... Neo putting a paw on my leg to stop me getting up from the sofa because he's so comfy lying on me








Love is... me saving up all my calories for weeks so that we could splurge on a chocolate dessert pasta only for it to be really disappointing actually



and finally




Love is... Hubbie giving me this badge - even though I suspect he was being sarcastic !!

My 12 faves of Christmas :o)

So that's Christmas for another year then. This was the first one that my boy really could participate in and it was delightful. I'm not usually all that good with the festive season, but this year I had plenty of time to plan and get ready so by the time we got to the actual celebrations I wasn't nearly as stressed as usual.

Now I'm ready for a holiday and the lovely folks at Center Parcs are offering a prize that I think my very active boy would love. I agree wholeheartedly with their Winter Wonderland expert Nick Oot when he suggests keeping active and spending time outdoors. Winter walks and spending time outside help keep me sane and me and Hubbie went on a horse and carriage ride on our honeymoon in New York and haven't been on once since so we wouldn't mind giving that a go if we won :o)

Anyway, as we've all made it out the other side of Christmas - and more to the point have climbed out from under the mountain of presents that the boy received - here are my 12 favourite things about Christmas:

• Thanks to the International Space Station being visible in the sky on Christmas Eve our boy was able to witness 'Santa's sleigh' going past and his reaction was absolutely magical as he squealed with delight and clapped his hands over his wide open mouth. 

• This is the first year our boy has been genuinely excited about Father Christmas as he is old enough now to understand. My parents never let us believe in him as they didn't want to give credit for all their hard work to some fat bearded white bloke when it was a fat bearded indian bloke and his wife who had earned the money. 

• The diversity of Santas this year has been inspiring. We've seen young and old ones, all ethnicities and last weekend we had breakfast with a female Santa. The boy wasn't at all fazed by all this variety and took it all in his stride. 

• In our house it is traditional that Hubbie cooks the Christmas dinner. He really enjoys doing it and I like not having to do it. Me and the boy lay the table and choose the decorations and crackers while he toils in the kitchen. Long may it continue ! 

• Hubbie hates sprouts, but he always cooks them as it's traditional. This year - after much cajoling - my boy tried one and declared it to be, "yummy." Hubbie was horrified and dismayed at this act of betrayal. I said if he truly did like them he'd have eaten more than the obligatory one. 

• The boy has been occupied by watching the Cbeebies Christmas Carol this week. He's really enjoyed it and I'm chuffed as it was based on a proper story that eventually he'll hopefully read too. 

• It seems that our boy is forming stronger bonds of affection with us. I know he loves us, but this year he actually missed us when he stayed with my parents for Christmas Eve. We returned on Christmas morning to pick him up and he was emotional when he saw us both. It broke my heart a little, but I also felt a bit glad. 

• Staying in a hotel near Kew Bridge on Christmas Eve meant me and Hubbie were able to do something we haven't done since our boy was born - not that, don't be filthy ! We went for a run on Christmas morning along Kew Bridge and the Thames Path on what was a gorgeous, crisp and sunny morning

• Driving back from the in-laws today our boy was heckling us from the back of the car singing Christmas songs. It was even more hilarious as when I went to his nursery last week to watch the performance of the same songs he sat there staring at the others while dressed as a golden star. 

• We kept ourselves amused in the traffic jam by creating sentences from car number plates. eg. E5P GYH becomes Easy Pickle, Grab Your Hat ! Oh well I guess you had to be there.  

• I got a soup maker and an ice cream maker for Christmas - hurrah ! It's homemade soup and sorbets all the way for us now (well until I get bored of liquid food that is !)

And my favourite thing of all about Christmas is:

• Time off at home with the family. Whether it's the grandparents, aunties and uncles spoiling the boy or just us three at home. I love that our boy gets to come and lie in bed with us and watch telly or to have breakfast at a leisurely pace or that we can take him to the park to ride his scooter.  That Hubbie doesn't have to wake up before everyone is awake to get ready for work. That we get to have days together rather than hours. Yep that's the best thing about Christmas for me. 

This is my entry to the Center Parcs and Tots 100 December challenge. If I’m chosen, I would like to visit Elvedon Forest.

Rebranding Mummy

I've given notice for my (unpaid) role as PR for Hubbie. Since our boy was born I have been cheerleader in chief for Team Daddy and now - after three years - I've decided to reconfigure the use of my resources. I'm now working on Project: Rebrand Mummy.

A family friend told me (before we were parents) how frustrating it was that her children clearly preferred Daddy to her, despite her doing the day to day caring and 'dirty work' of parenting. Now don't get me wrong her hubbie is a hands on dad, but she's a hands on Mum and didn't feel she got any credit for it. She put it down to all the work she did as Mummy telling the kids how much Daddy loved them and how he was thinking of them even while he was at work all day. I now know what she was talking about. 

I'm now doing the every day stuff of parenting a toddler and remind him how much Daddy loves him and how much Daddy looks forward to bedtime stories and bathtime when he comes home from a long day at work. All of which is true of course. However, I have written myself out of the fun stuff by letting Daddy have the intimacy of bath and bedtime stories. I get the moody, not eating breakfast, don't want to go to nursery, not putting my shoes on today, standing on the front step refusing to get into the car bit of the day instead. I also get the post nursery tired and grumpy, not eating that, want to watch telly, no I'm not going to take off my shoes bit.

Then at the weekend they go to football together and I am told that "Daddy is my best friend." Yesterday we took the boy to meet Santa and I said afterwards, "Go and give Daddy a big hug and say thanks for driving us to see Santa and Percy Penguin." which he dutifully did. I waited patiently for Hubbie to say, "and give Mummy a big hug and say thank you (for booking it, paying for it, packing a lunch for us to eat and programming the sat nav with the postcode so we could find it)." Nothing. We all got in the car, I passed him an apple and he said thanks.

No one is working for Team Mummy. There's no-one selling the benefits of 24 hour hands-on bespoke parenting by a trusted professional. It's not being advertised that Mummy wants to be the fun one sometimes. 

That is now going to change. I've decided that the job of selling brand Daddy is done and now I'm taking on Brand Mummy. This is going to make the Olympics look like a school sports day. It's going to have impact in more territories than a zombie attack in a bad movie. In short, this will be the biggest thing to happen in Mummydom since satchels made a comeback. 

I did some blue sky thinking and here are my initial ideas:

• When he says he doesn't want porridge for breakfast I'm I'm going to be relaxed about it, or make toast. 

• I'm going to be less, "Put your socks on," and more, "Hey buddy, let's go outside and do fun stuff. Who needs socks anyway ?"

• If he trots off to the really big slide in the park, "that Daddy always lets me go on." I'm going to smile and say (through gritted teeth) "that's a great idea !"

• On his refusal to wear a safety helmet when riding his scooter I'll say, "Really ? Are you serious ? Put it on !" - What ? I said I'm going to be fun Mummy not A&E Mummy !

Now you may feel similarly aggrieved at the lack of appreciation of your role in your household so take a marker pen and instead of Brand Mummy replace with your chosen epithet. Whether you are one of two Daddys, two Mummys, a parent going it alone, a carer, a grandparent or any other type of 'parent figure.'  Let's rebrand the unpopular/unappreciated one.

Come on - we can do this ! 

Who's with me ? 

Adoption week: Our story then and now...

If you've been reading this blog for a while you will already know that adoption is very close to my heart. This week is National Adoption Week and there will be a great deal going on to raise the profile of adoption and to - hopefully - encourage more people to consider adoption.

We are very well versed in the process of adoption in our family. I have worked for children's organisations over the years where I've witnessed how life-changing adoption can be for the children and the parents who take care of them either as foster carers or adoptive parents. I also know that it isn't all shiny and lovely and often children have experienced difficulties and losses before they find a family that they feel part of and safe in. Sadly, for some children this never happens and the prospect of a 'forever family' is one that they can only imagine. It is because of this experience and my passionate belief that taking care of each other is what makes us stronger as a society that when I met Hubbie I explained that I would like us to consider adoption. He had never thought about it before, but was open to the idea.

Our cat is an adoptee from Battersea Cats & Dogs Home. He lived with other families before us, but has adopted us as his family now and we seem to have passed his test for humans he can live with. When I go out in the evening he stands outside in all weathers waiting for me to get home. Last week me and Hubbie went out for the evening leaving Grandma to baby and catsit. Sure enough when we  got back there was the cat on the front step waiting for us to get indoors safe. Grandma told us he'd been going in and out of the house to check where we were all night. This taking care of each other is a two way street you know.

As you will already know we did not have the most straightforward time starting a family and made a decision to adopt rather than pursue assisted fertility or any other options. There is no judgement implied or meant, that was just our choice. It was also empowering as we felt we were making a positive decision rather than waiting for something to happen to us. So we decided that we'd go ahead as we had talked about adoption anyway so why not just do it. It wasn't such a big leap from wanting to be parents to making an active choice to see if we could adopt, but there was a lot more to it than either of us had expected. The preparation course taught us a lot about each other's motivations as potential parents and the whole process of being assessed by our social worker was thorough, but ultimately we understood how important it was to ensure we would be suitable parents.

By the time we went to the panel in March 2009 we were prepared for all and any questions. For some reason we had 13 people on our panel (that is far more than you would expect) and it was quite intimidating facing mostly strangers who held the keys to our future as adopters or not. Thankfully we were approved and the long wait to be matched with children began. I thought that the panel was going to be the toughest part, but nothing prepared me for the waiting. The stories of how children came to be looked after broke my heart and every single child we were asked to consider I wanted to adopt. Hubbie spent many hours consoling me as I wept for the children who were kept waiting too.

It felt like a long time, but while we waited to be matched we found out we were expecting our beloved boy - this is not uncommon apparently. So we moved on from prospective adopters to prospective parents. Since then the process has been streamlined and the time it takes to be assessed is shorter now. As we consider adoption for the second time we are in a new situation as we also have a toddler in our family now and his needs and feelings have to also be taken into consideration. Helping him to understand and participate in the process will be challenging in a whole new way, but having done some of this before I think we will be ready to help him with an exciting new phase of family life.

If you are interested in finding out more about adoption and how it works please listen to this interview I did on my radio show with an adopter and an adoption social worker: Adoption podcast

It is also worth taking a look at www.nationaladoptionweek.org.uk

Seven Years Hitched

Dear Hubbie,

Yes I know it's a really bad play on words, but it wouldn't have made sense if I'd titled this post Some Like it Hot would it now ? (well maybe to some people, but you know I'm not about being cliquey). So today is our wedding anniversary - yes I know you've already fallen over in shock as I always mix up the date of our wedding with the date we went on honeymoon. It's an easy mistake though isn't it ?

Anyway, I digress. Seven years ago we were married in a civil ceremony at Chelsea Town Hall followed by a party with family and friends above a pub in Battersea. I know you know this, but I'm narrating for other readers so bear with me please. I wore a gold silk sari and you wore a very snazzy suit (as modelled by Bryan Ferry). We took photos on Battersea Bridge and I let the bath overrun in the lovely hotel in Paddington that we stayed in afterwards as we were too busy opening wedding cards from our lovely guests.

Since that day in 2006 a lot has changed, where we live, what we do, who we live with and much more besides. Here are seven of the highlights (one for each year - naturally):

1. When we bought our first house we spent months working on it and learned that when DIYing we have to be doing separate projects in order to preserve our sanity. I'm not joking when I tell people that we nearly got divorced putting down the kitchen flooring. It was worth it for the laughs over cheap pizza and Weatherspoons breakfasts though.

2. Going to Battersea Cats & Dogs home to choose Neo as our newest family member was brilliant. You made up your mind as soon as you opened the door to the cattery and he wandered up to you to say "hello." He was one of us from that day forth and it's thanks to you that he is.

3. When we were told that it was unlikely we'd have children we sat in the corridor of the hospital for what seemed hours crying and holding each other. It felt like the worst pain in the world and could have broken us. It didn't, it made us stronger. We're still here.

4. On your first visit to India my late Naniji was delighted at your shared love of cricket and I was amazed at how the two of you would sit watching TV together, communicating despite your lack of Punjabi and her limited English. She adored your love of trains too and when asked by my Mum she said, 'Of course he's one of us - he's Indian.' High praise indeed ! 

5. I'm glad that when we're on holiday we've always enjoyed spending all our time together - mostly thanks to your laid back approach if I'm honest. It was you who taught me that Rome will still be there even if we don't visit the Coliseum in the morning. Another hour in bed is fine, we are on holiday after all.

6. When our son was being born, things were going wrong and you were incredible. You had family calling you to ask what was going on and you had doctors telling you that you might lose your wife and son. That was a lot of stress all at once on the back of no sleep for more than a day. I had no idea, because to me you were a picture of calm and joy when our boy was delivered safe and perfect. 

7. Our son has your cheeky sense of humour and I love how he enjoys making people smile - just like Daddy. Eventually he will, no doubt, develop sarcasm too. He's hilarious and clever and looks like you. We did that :o) 

So that's my top seven. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been totally worth it. Being married is more than 'just a piece of paper' to us. We work at our relationship and sometimes we work harder than seems fair. Other times we laugh until I can't breathe and I have tears rolling down my face and you think that's even funnier than the thing that made me laugh in the first place. 

Happy Anniversary - I love you :o) 

Listen to His & Hers: The Seven Year (H)itch - our new show featuring songs we've chosen to celebrate our anniversary on Fri 25th Oct 9pm-10pm at www.croydonradio.com or as a podcast from Sat 26th Oct. 

Could we BE any more like Monica & Chandler ?

Like many others of my vintage I have watched every episode of Friends an insane number of times. Not for Rachel's hair, nor Joey's muscles, not even to watch Lisa Kudrow corpsing in almost every scene.

No.

Around 9 years ago it occurred to me that Hubbie and I know pretty much all the dialogue from Friends and more worryingly we actually are Monica & Chandler.

If you think this is a bit far fetched allow me to present the evidence.

- Hubbie also does a job that no one understands, although he is not a transponster

- I am obsessed with cleaning and order. I don't make my own cleaning solutions, but I do have a dinner set that we *never* use

- When we got our test results from investigations into why we weren't getting pregnant Hubbie quoted the actual dialogue from the episode where Chandler finds out why they can't either

- we also decided to adopt, but we were not mistaken by the adoption agency for a vicar and a doctor

We are NOT like Monica & Chandler for the following reasons:

- Hubbie has *never* peed on my foot to relieve a jellyfish sting

- I do not have a secret cupboard filled with all my mess

- We did get pregnant and have our gorgeous boy

Talking of whom, in recent months it is becoming clear that our boy is Ross Geller

- he takes forever to say a sentence, he starts talking and drifts off halfway through

- his keyboard playing skills while innovative and entertaining could not be described as good

- he loves dinosaurs (a bit obvious this one really)

And of course he's not like Ross because:

- he is our son and not my brother (that would be Eastenders wouldn't it ?)

So, we are in fact half of a family sitcom.

I'd rather be half of Friends than Outnumbered though :o)

Motherhood = fewer shoes, but more goodie bags and glitter.

We survived !

Twelve toddlers, a gazebo that kept threatening to overturn in the wind and so much noise that the cat hid upstairs on his beanbag all afternoon. He only emerged after everyone had left to ask for his dinner. The main thing, though, is that we all made it out alive. No toddlers were harmed, the food was eaten and the drinks consumed. Every child found some treasure in the 'woods' at the end of the garden and they all got a goodie bag to take home as all the contents arrived in time. Then today our boy's birthday card was shown on Cbeebies after three years of trying. I'm expecting a damehood at the very least for awesome Mumming !

Seriously though I was so proud of my boy on Sunday. As each of his friends arrived he spotted them, came over and greeted them with a cheery, "Hello, thank you for my present, come and play" and took them over to the garden area where we'd set out games and playground toys for them all. At points Hubbie spotted the boy having intense conversations with his nursery pals in a mini version of the adult scenario at the other end of the garden. As all his pals left he handed them a goody bag, thanked them for coming and as his head started to droop on Hubbie's shoulder we could see he was as worn out as we were. My little party animal.

On how far we have come.

My boy is three today. At one point we weren't sure we'd ever have a child of our own. Then we weren't sure we'd ever get to adopt a family of our own. Then this miracle happened and we found out we were having a baby. Then we had a scan and found out we were having a boy. Then we were so close to meeting him and then worried that after all of it we weren't going to. Finally at 2.20pm on the 30th of September 2010 (a full two weeks late) our boy finally arrived and my heart skipped a beat.

There is a saying that when a baby is born a mother is also born (and a father of course). When I watch my boy putting his own pyjamas on, taking off his trainers by himself and giving all the family double kisses 'continental style' I see how far he has come since he was born. I'm also now - as we emerge from the fog of early parenting - starting to see how far I have come too.

• I have learned more about biology and medicine than I ever knew. Yes, Mum and Dad I'm almost as qualified as a doctor (probably not quite as qualified as Dr Ranj though). 

• My shoe cupboard hasn't been opened in three years - well four actually as I stopped wearing heels while pregnant. I used to get called Imelda due to my love of shoes, I now wear Fit Flops or trainers pretty much all the time. 

• Hubbie and I consider going out for dinner or to a gig a big deal due to the effort required to actually leave the house. It's made us truly appreciate our time together. 

• We've also impressed our boy (and a few of the other nursery parents) with our radio show - that makes us pretty cool parents doesn't it ?

Happy Birthday to my darling boy. 

No shoes compare with the joy of being your Mum. Well, maybe...