Evolution - not revolution.

I'll refrain from doing all the new year new me stuff and just ask if you're alright. Did you make it ok ? 

I know how difficult it can be to participate in the enforced jollity of the festive season and to be honest I just take myself way from it all now. If it's too much I make my excuses and leave or I just don't attend parties. As I'm about to turn 50 I've finally acknowledged that I just don't do socialising with more than a few people who I already know. I'm no longer putting myself in places that make me uncomfortable. I'm confident enough now to choose not to go the work party, or the 'big do' that I really don't fancy. 

There is always a lot of emphasis on new beginnings in January and again it's pressure to make changes and be new and shiny. To go vegan, give up alcohol, take up running - whatever your particular flavour of "New Year New You" might be. On New Year's Day I saw people go sea swimming en masse, park run was full to the brim with hungover runners and the Nutri bullets were dusted off so that New Year smoothies could be made. I am not a cynical person at heart. If you want to do a new thing I applaud your efforts and will cheer you along. I set myself a goal to run a half marathon and managed it - despite people doubting I could do it. One 'friend' said, " I didn't think you had trained enough so you did well to finish." Thanks mate - don't let the door hit you on the way out. I guess what I am saying is you can choose to make the changes any time and sometimes not putting pressure on yourself to do it on the 1st of January might make it a bit more achievable. 

Resolutions aren't really my thing. I have aspirations, wishes, ambitions, but not resolutions. I don't know what is coming up in the future so I would rather work on my resilience to deal with the twists and turns that might come. I have had a lot of practice now and while I don't feel anything like as bullet proof as people tell me they think I am, it is heartening to know that I can take things in my stride. 

So what does a new decade bring ? Well I think it's worth a bit of a review of what has gone before.

2000s: were all about finding my independence. I had left an unhappy and damaging relationship that had isolated me from my friends and left me depressed and lacking in confidence. Once I was out of that I cut my hair and lost weight. I moved house a bit - travelled for work and eventually bought my own flat. I went to Romania and Sierra Leone with my job and did a lot of public speaking. Meeting lots of different people and visiting pretty much every town and city in England was a mission, but it was amazing and gave me confidence and self belief. 

I did internet dating when it was still like the Wild West out there. The whole of London reminds me of places I have been on dates - none of which went on to become a relationship, but as I had never dated in my younger years it was a lot of learning for me. I worked out where to meet for a first date, what places were best for daytime or evening and where to get a coffee or go for a walk. I learned the hard way that you will know very early on if it's not working and if you have agreed to go for dinner it will be a painful experience unless you go for one course and no coffee. 

2010s: I found out I was having a baby. My miracle boy was much longed for and when his brother came along by adoption my status as Mum was set. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my kids, but it was far from easy. I had no idea how much it would test me to parent these boys and I had to learn how to do the best for them without losing myself in the process. I was home with the boys for a long while so the eventual decision to go back to work has been a big transition and I have had to learn the inevitable 'working mum juggle.' 

This last decade has been about being a parent. Putting my kids first and finding ways to make it all work. I came to parenthood older than a lot of other people I know. If anything it made me more grateful and I have tried so hard for my kids. They are my life and being her for them has been an honour. It has also shown me that I am loyal, passionate and driven to do what is best for my loved ones. 

2020s: Well this is the new big unknown isn't it ? I am now a single parent and this is a whole new challenge for me and my kids. We have made it through our first Christmas and New Year as a family of 3. Our beloved cat died and the boys have shown me they are resilient and brave. They are also very protective of me and it makes me so proud that they are good people. As they grow older we are finding new ways to be a family. It is all about negotiating what we all need in order to be mentally well and happy. 

I know whatever life throws at me I have to roll up my sleeves and get on with it. I have two amazing guys by my side and an entourage of incredible people who love and care for me too. I am learning to ask for what I need and to accept help with gratitude. 

So many people have said, "I hope this year is better for you." I will tell you something though. Everything that has happened has shown me what I can do and who I can be. I may not know what is coming, but whatever it is I'll take it on. 

If I were to make resolutions they would be something like: 

• Say no more often 

• Prioritise my needs

• Trust myself

Easter eggs already ?

January is usually a pretty low-mood month. It's cold, it's dark, there's the post Christmas downer and it feels like a long month before you get paid. Then there's the deprivation, dry January, new year diets, the new regime of fitness and realising that there are already easter eggs in the shops, but because sugar is the enemy you can't actually buy any.

Except this year I haven't had the blues. I've felt energetic, I've been spending time with my boys and I've been going through the house like a buzzsaw tidying and sorting. I put this down to a few things. The last few years I've given up chocolate and puddings in the new year, so this year I had a head start as I was unwell at Christmas so it made sense to just cut out the 'baddies' early on. I didn't indulge on New Year's Eve so I woke up with a clear head and a resolve to get out and do something active. I started off the year not having bread or alcohol or sugar and will be slowly reintroducing them in minimal amounts. The exception is my lovely friend's birthday next Friday when I will have all of the above.

I'm taking part in the Moonwalk in May this year so I've been increasing my everyday fitness. Walking, swimming, clubbercise and this week I started bootcamp too. All of this is my way of ensuring that I am as fit as I can be to take part and I'm determined to do it in a personal best time.

Making myself go to bed earlier has enabled me to do things like read a book and to settle into bed before I fall asleep. Blue Bear isn't a great sleeper so we often get woken in the night and more than once so the more sleep the better really. I haven't quite mastered the art of waking up early yet, but I'm working on that next.

I've set myself the goal of cooking more meals from scratch and encouraging the boys to try new foods as much as possible. Brown Bear came home from school yesterday having eaten a chicken burger for lunch and I asked what he had with it. "It had tomato and salad on it, but I took all that off and ate it." Small victories I guess. Blue Bear tried some broccoli at the weekend. He's always pushed it away before, but he tried tiny pieces and declared it wasn't so bad after all.

Finally I want to earn again. It doesn't have to be a lot, but I do want to have some money coming in. The difficult bit is I want to enjoy what I'm doing and it has to fit round my family. The holy grail basically. So to that end I'm keeping myself busy and saying "yes" to opportunities that arise. Who knows, it might just work out.

Well, I'll keep you posted on my progress as the year goes on. Wish me luck.

Come on 2016, let's be having you

In my annual round up of the year I thought I'd cover the obvious first:

It's been a year of celebrity deaths - some have done the sums on whether more famous people have died or if it just seems that way. Well firstly it's that people we all know and have heard of died this year. Also with instant news reporting and social media we all know about them immediately. I'm not going to lie, the deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Terry Wogan, Victoria Wood and Caroline Aherne made me feel sad. However, I didn't know any of them in real life, so it is not my grief to feel.

I know, I know Lemmy was last year

With all the attention on entertainers it was overlooked that some eminent scientists also died this year, including the man who found the smallpox vaccine and many female scientists of great standing. The obsession with entertainers over academics was most clearly demonstrated one recently. I was pretty shocked when on a rare foray into watching TV news (we were away and channel options were pretty limited) the lead news item was the death of Carrie Fisher and Richard Adams was 6th. I realise that TV news is a scheduled 'entertainment' programme, but that's still a bit rude isn't it ?

Talking of entertainment news being taken a bit too seriously there was the big break up. Yep Brad and Ange called it a day and apparently no one could believe it. Really ? Does anyone really know the truth about any relationship ? Well it seems not. Oh well, life went on. 

Political shenanigans included the EU referendum and the US election. I don't think I need to elaborate, unless you have been hiding under a huge rock for the last year that is. I do want to mention, however, that I was listening to the radio during the day when I heard that a Labour MP called Jo Cox had been attacked and was in a serious condition. The subsequent details of how she was stabbed, shot and died leaving a husband and two young children was truly shocking. Colleagues on all political sides paid tribute to her and her widower Brendan gave an inspirational alternative Christmas speech.

So, to my own 2016.

Well it started with a pretty spectacular highlight. Blue Bear officially joined our family. In January we attended court and the judge handed us a certificate and gave him an 'adoption bear' and we took some nice photos in the courtroom. It was a wonderful - if belated - celebration. 

Hubbie and I have been making more time for ourselves so we've been to some pretty amazing gigs: we've been to watch the Pixies, Stewart lee (ok we haven't managed to see him together this year, but it's on the cards. Our annual weekend gig to see the Wedding Present in Brighton every August is a fixture now and we also went to see them in early December for a pre-Christmas treat. Thanks to some bizarre event to celebrate the Great Fire we managed to miss almost all of the Jesus and Mary Chain gig - we made it for the encore - so I've booked for us to see them next year instead.

With my love of theatre and live arts I've also managed to drag Hubbie to the theatre to watch the Shawshank Redemption and he enjoyed the Rogue Theatre outdoor event we took the kids to over Christmas too. Earlier this year we took the boys to see Stick Man at the Leicester Square Theatre and Blue Bear sat and watched all the way through - he can concentrate for almost an hour now. I am so excited that he can go to watch children's shows now. Not quite the 2 hour marathon of a panto like his brother, but still this is progress. 

We went for a child-free mini break in Cornwall in October for our anniversary and discovered a new favourite place to eat in Rock at the Mariners Arms - thanks Nathan Outlaw.

I also had an entirely me only break earlier in the year when I went to a retreat - again in Cornwall. I recall school gate mums being appalled when I said I was going to spend Mother's Day on my own, but I can honestly say it was the best decision. I am mum every day of the year so for the day that is designated to me I chose to have it just for me. It also meant I looked forward to seeing the boys when I did see them.

I did also spend some quality time with the boys and on our summer holiday I went surfing with Brown Bear. It was our first time and I can honestly say I'd love to do it again. I hope he does too. 

Seeing Blue Bear flourish and find his voice has been amazing, he speaks so clearly now. I've also noticed his love of animals has really flourished while we stayed on the farm at Coombe Mill and he has become more confident.

A few milestones then.

In 2017 who knows what is going to happen. I guess we will all just have to sing along with Prof Brian Cox:

Today I'm working with gratitude

Today has been a very difficult day. I'm not going to go into detail about why. I would prefer to put it behind me. Instead I'm working on celebrating what is going well right now. So I've been stockpiling the good bits to look back on for a while now just for a moment like this.

Last year my sister shared this idea to keep a 'gratitude jar' where you write down when something good happens. You do this for a whole year then on New Year's eve you sit and read them so you can remind yourself of all the wonderful moments that you might otherwise forget. As a blogger I have this space to record such things, but it's still a good discipline to write a physical note and pop it in the jar. I have a clean peanut butter jar. a pretty pen and some small strips of paper on which to write my happiest moments.

my gratitude jar 

In a virtual version of my 'gratitude jar' here are the small notes I'll be keeping about this week.

• Hubbie dressed baby boy in a pique polo shirt that I haven't seen before and he looked so cute we called him the 'baby mod' 

• Big Boy rushed outside when my sister came over at the weekend to help her carry the bags from her car 

• Mum sent some lovely homemade food with my sister so I didn't have to cook for the boys for a couple of days 

• Lovely friends came to visit at the weekend and I saw my boys through their eyes - as polite, kind and thoughtful 

Saving water - the greatest gift ever ? 

• So many reasons to love Hubbie, but the main one right now is that he got this for our kitchen sink - a water saving swivel tap head. Don't judge, I love it ! 

• This afternoon I took the boys to the park after school pick up. It was a gorgeous sunny afternoon. They had ice cream and played and for a little while it all felt ok. 

I'm going to keep working with gratitude in the hope that there will be more to write and keep in the jar and less to try and forget. 

No resolutions - in 2014 I have plans...

I've decided that I'm not making resolutions. It's always the same thing anyway, lose weight, win the lottery, get a real job, etc. so this year I've decided that it's far more productive to make plans rather than resolutions. There's a built in failure with resolutions that I am just not going to entertain any more. So, this time I'm being pro-active and setting myself goals with proper time stamps on them. I've made a decent start on the nuts and bolts ones:

- eating smaller portions and making healthier choices (except for today at lunch). This includes making sure I get myself something to eat as well as getting food for the boy and Hubbie. I may even get to drink a cup of tea or a piece of toast before it goes cold !! If this one lasts once Hubbie is back at work and the boy is at nursery I will have cracked it ! 

- trying to get to bed earlier every night so that I'm not permanently tired and grumpy. It is entirely my fault that I sit up with the macbook on my lap late at night rather than snuggling under my gorgeous duvet with Hubbie. I'm making an effort to get this one right.  

- making a choice to dress in my nice clothes rather than just wearing 'staying home' clothes all the time. It's fine to wear sweat pants for a trip to the swimming pool, but to still be wearing them to go to the shops is not ok (any more). 

- putting on a least eye liner and lippie to leave the house. I'm an Avon lady so I own more make up than the beauty counters at Selfridges. What's the point in having that much make up and never wearing it ? 

Then we have the stuff that's in the diary that will help me meet some of those other 'goals' (repeat after me - goals not resolutions):

January: There is a part time job and a training scheme that I am going to apply for that both represent things I am interested in doing and that I think I can do.
This is instead of 'get a well paid job.' I can also use the make up and nice clothes ones for this.

February: Team Honk Blogger relay from Lands End to John O'Groats. I'm part of the London leg and there is talk of four person cycles being an integral part of our section of the challenge. My dodgy knees will have to be up for this one as I am not going to wimp out and be the one that carries the water bottles !! Bring on the t-shirts ladies (and Spencer), I'm ready !!
This is to replace the usual, 'lose weight' as the other bloggers include very glamorous ones who I refuse to look lardy next to !

May: I did the full Moonwalk five years ago and I've signed up to do the half Moonwalk with my lovely friend Soraya this Summer. We're going to have such a laugh, not least as we can talk constantly for hours so the time will just fly by ! From memory it's pretty tough going, but I loved training for it and it got me very fit indeed doing all the walking.
This one is instead of the generic, 'get fit.'

June: We've bought tickets to a festival that the Pixies are headlining in London. It's a grown up day out and while I don't think seeing an act outdoors is the best way to do it, this is to get over my aversion to festivals. I'm sure it won't be all mud and botulism burgers really.
This one is to replace the 'do things with Hubbie.'

August: Last Summer me and Hubbie went to the Edge of the Sea two day festival in Brighton and loved it. Our boy stayed with Grandma and Grandpa (aka Grumps) and he loved that too. This time we're going to book a nice hotel and make a weekend of it instead of constantly ringing to check if he's eaten and if he's missing us.
This one is in place of, 'give the boy some independence.'

In September our boy will turn 4 and in October we'll celebrate 8 years of marriage. By that time I hope to have made great progress with my goals for the year. I hope in my round up of 2014 I'll be saying, "I love it when a plan comes together" while chomping on a pretend cigar rather than, "I ain't getting on no plane sucker" while sipping a glass of milk that's been spiked with knock out drops.

Whatever you are doing to see in the New Year I hope you have a wonderful time.

See you on the other side :o)

Well, thank goodness that's all over !

Firstly Happy New Year !! I hope you've had a super Christmas and that your New Year Celebrations were enjoyable. I've been a bit quiet for the last few days as I've been pondering some things that I've learned from this holiday season (to get all american about it). I have also started planning next Christmas and New Year. If you think this is a bit keen you have to understand that I am not really a long term planner, but I'm not leaving it too late for a good reason.

In the past we've alternated visiting parents to make sure no one feels left out. Both my Mum and Hubbie's say they don't mind when we visit so long as they see us, so we decided that this year we would make sure that all the grandparents got to see our son on Christmas Day. We had to be especially organised about it so with a Travelodge booked for me and Hubbie on Christmas Eve the boy stayed with my parents and we collected him in the morning to go to the in-laws. I cried buckets watching the Snowman and the Snowdog and we had a lie in while my parents were treated to a 6am wake up call from the smallest snowman. We came to get him and he fell asleep on my shoulder so all the plans for him to sleep on the long drive to Granny and Grandpa's house were dashed. He was delightfully sociable in all settings though and entertained everyone and made me and Hubbie smile as he said "oooh" while opening all the lovely presents he received. We took him for a Boxing Day walk with Grandma to see the ponies in the New Forest and he was adorable. My son being so gorgeous and friendly made being with the family bearable. 

This is my guilty secret and I am going to share it with you: I don't do well with family gatherings. In my head they seem a good idea and I forsee a fun time for my son and for those we visit as they seem to enjoy spending time with him. What I don't factor in is that I don't really want to be there. Hubbie is the most patient man on the planet and he sees it coming from a mile off. The impatience on the morning before we leave to visit, the increasing stress levels and I am pathalogical by the time we leave the house. He knows it's going to happen so when I say "shall we visit my family this weekend, they haven't seen the boy for a few weeks," he looks at me to see if I'm being serious and then says, "if you like." He knows I don't like and I'm doing it so that my son has a relationship with his wider family. He also bears with my insanity when they come to visit us as I invite all the parents over twice a year. If we didn't host them they would only see each other when a family member gets married.

The highlights of the family visits this year included: 

- My father saying he didn't want the gifts I'd bought him before he'd even opened them. (Me saying I'd return any he didn't like was deemed 'rude' apparently)

- Father-in-law widening the conversation from his usual four topics ("why do people insist on having a dinner table in their kitchen ?", his sister & her husband, his medical ailments and Hubbie's weight) to include the Paralympics - he didn't approve of them. I took a large gulp from my mug of tea and went back to watching the TV. 

- My own mother telling me I'm a horrible person, I always have been and she should have told me years ago. (For the record she has told me many times over the years and I'm clearly stupid as well or I'd have learned by now not to be such a crashing disappointment and all round rubbish person). 

I will explain this personal horror a little further in case you think you misread that. On New Year's Day I called my parents to say "we're on our way" and my Mum launched into a tirade at me because I asked why she had changed the plans we had made for the day. I actually wanted to take my son to watch the New Year parade in London on New Year's Day, but I always visit my parents so I decided that it would be nice for them if they saw him and we'd take him to the parade next year instead. 

I was in tears when my son wandered in to the room where I was talking on the phone and said "Mummy sad." As you can imagine I then didn't want to go any more. I mentioned previously that Hubbie is actually a saint and thanks to him being a calm and patient man we did go. I kept myself to myself and as soon as it was polite to leave we came home again. 

So this is what is going to to happen in December 2013. Me, Hubbie and the boy are going to San Francisco for a Christmas holiday. They boys can go the home of the Giants and I can go skiing at Lake Tahoe. We have friends who live in San Francisco and we've been before so we know we like it there. I'll pop some cards in the post before we leave and tell the family that we won't be doing gifts this year as we're not going to be here. I get to spend the time with the people I love the most and I won't be tempted to make any obligation visits to anyone. 

That's my plan.

p.s. If you're a blogger who's in San Francisco send me some tips over the next year and help me plan my itinerary please.  

Resolutions Schmesolutions :o)

If you'd told me at the start of this year that at the end of it I'd have a weekly radio show of my own I'd have looked at you sideways and smiled kindly. I'd also have been amazed if you'd told me that the most toxic female journalist of modern times would refer to this blog in a column following the fab Mumsnet blogfest event.

So it's with this in mind that I am starting 2013 in a novel way. I won't be detoxing or giving up anything on Jan 1st. Not because I have a perfect life or I am as good as I think I can be, but because I'm coming at this resolutions thing from a different perspective for a change. Instead of stopping doing something I'm going to concentrate on doing more of things I want to do better. By doing that I hope that I will spend less energy and time on the things that I don't need or want.

So, in no particular order:

I am going to make time to read. I was given so many great books for Christmas and I still haven't read the ones I got last year. I'm sure it's possible for me to make time in my day to read a little bit - although this might mean watching less Hawaii 5-0.

I'll be trying new sporting activities that I haven't done before. I've been doing the same exercise classes for almost 4 years now and while they are fun it's a routine for me and I attend because I feel guilty if I don't. That's not a good reason. I used to play softball and scuba dive and ski -  what happened to that action chick ? Oh yes I am a middle-aged Mum now, but that's no excuse is it ?

At least once a month I will go to the cinema and watch a movie - this may entail finding a movie buddie or I could go along on an afternoon when my boy is at nursery. This is all thanks to Hubbie being super generous and getting Sky movies so I can see films at home, but let's be honest sitting in a dark room at home isn't the same if you haven't overpaid for the popcorn.

I'm going to cook at least one recipe from each cookbook I own - and no, not just the baking ones !! Kind people have given me some great books full of recipes which I look at and go "ooh aah," but I haven't actually followed any of them yet.  My aim is to make a seasonal Slater stew, some gorgeous Gok gyoza and anything from the achingly beautiful Lilli Vanilli baking book I won from a fellow blogger. I hope to find some interesting new meals and to use ingredients I haven't tried to cook with before. I will, of course, share how this goes with you for good or ill (preferably not getting ill !)

I'm sure I'll think of other things as time goes on, but these are a pretty manageable start I think. They are already better than my original list which was:

To be able to afford to use Aveda shampoo and conditioner

To have someone to do my hair for me at home

Have a personal trainer to get my backside to exercise when I want to sit on the sofa watching Hawaii 5-0
The beloved Kitchenaid mixer which I really want to own, but I can't justify the cost of 

To be able to travel first class - anywhere

I realised that all of these were materialistic and made me sound like I want to be Madonna - which I used to when she was all cool and wore rubber bangles and lace in her hair, but not so much now.

Thanks for reading my blog and for listening to my show. If you haven't yet tune in at 1pm today or you can podcast it later.

Hope 2012 was good to you and here's to not turning into Madonna in 2013 :o)