Rhapsody on Blue

Last week the boys were at summer camp. The manager told me one afternoon when I picked them up that every day Blue Bear warmed their hearts with his big smile and enthusiasm. They would always get into the car chattering away about their day then within minutes of getting indoors they would argue, someone would cry (usually Brown Bear, sometimes Blue Bear and on the worst occasions me) and it was a race against time to get food on the table before the apocalypse occured. I remember the first Summer holiday after Blue came to live with us. I was at home so couldn't justify sending them to camp. Instead I tried to keep them both occupied and more importantly apart. We booked our usual week in Cornwall and stayed at Coombe Mill where the boys fed the animals every morning and rode on the mini train every afternoon. It was in Cornwall that we discovered Blue Bear's love of animals, especially dogs. On subsequent visits he would bottle feed a goat and hold a carrot for a donkey to eat.

A lot of momentous events have occured when we've been in Cornwall. It was when we stayed at Coombe Mill for Christmas that we received an email from the social worker with a photo of a blue eyed little boy and a bit of information about him. I spoke to Hubbie and then showed Brown Bear and he asked, "who is that ?" I told him and asked if he wanted to be his brother. "Yes, he looks like me doesn't he ?" "He does baby." We had no idea that the next day we would receive an email saying he was no longer an option and to forget about him. I couldn't forget this little boy though. His beautiful face. That serious expression. I didn't want to forget about him.

Thankfully I didn't have to and during the Easter holidays he came to live with us. We took him on his first holiday to Cornwall the following July. He was nervous about the other children and kept close holding mine or Daddy's hand. He loved feeding the animals, but didn't want to drive the tractor. Where Brown Bear would make friends and go off to do his own thing, Blue would stay close to us and didn't want to stray too far from our sides.

This afternoon I watched as Brown Bear showed Blue Bear how to push the pedals on the electric bikes to make them go. With the payment tokens put in they both went round the track carefully and accurately. Brown waited for his brother so they could ride round together and it was so sweet. We have seen so many milestones on these annual visits and this week is no exception. I've seen a confidence and a cheekiness that is heartwarming. This afternoon the boys were in the back of the car chattering away and - for a change - not arguing. I quietly commented to Hubbie that it was lovely. We spoke too soon - of course - as within seconds Blue was screaming because Brown was prodding him.

A few days earlier we had all gone to the beach and friends had taken body boards. Brown Bear had a surfing lesson two years ago with me and loved it. This time we figured that some fun splashing around in the shallow end would suffice. When I went over to see how they were getting on Blue Bear was having great fun and trying the board. The same little boy who was scared of the water and wouldn't go into the sea the first time we came to the beach. I watched him do so many things that day and noticed how brave he has become. Some of this is because Brown Bear is fearless and competitive and Blue Bear wants to be just like his brother. In no small part, though, it's because he knows it is safe to take risks and we will be there for him. He trusts us.

The other day the boys were staying with family members while me and Hubbie had a weekend away together. I phoned Blue Bear to see how he was doing and was taken aback at how chatty he was. He explained that he'd been painting with Grandma, watered the plants and that Missy (the cat) had even hung around - she usually runs off. He had chicken dippers for tea and was going to have an ice cream for pudding. Once he'd given me the full report he announced, "I going now, bye Mummy." This is the little boy who barely spoke and now he's holding conversations with me.

We were sitting at the table yesterday eating lunch and Brown Bear had gone to get something and Daddy had gone to the car. I smoothed Blue Bear's head and kissed him softly. He smiled. I did it again. He leaned into me a bit more. I laughed and kept giving him gentle kisses on his face.
"Mummy when you kiss me I stop eating."
"Am I putting you off ?"
"Yes."
"Sorry."
"Keep doing it."
We both laughed. Brown Bear came back and asked what was so funny. Blue Bear finished his chips and we walked back to the car to join Daddy.

At one point today Brown Bear came over to hug me - Blue Bear went to hug him. Hubbie picked up his phone and managed to capture the moment. When I looked at the photo I saw my gorgeous boys and the smile of love and happiness on my face. As I told a friend of mine later, this is all I ever wanted from parenthood. Children with ice cream all over their faces and huge smiles. Ok, it's not often, but just sometimes it's plenty.

A year of love, laughter and memories

A year ago today was a very special day for my family. I took the phone call that told me the judge had formalised the adoption and Blue Bear was officially part of the family. I called Hubbie to tell him the news. Brown Bear was at school and Blue Bear was at nursery so I pretty much got on with my day. Then we waited to be invited for the celebration day.

The sun came out that morning and it was beautiful. We all got dressed in nice clothes and travelled to meet Nanny, Granny and my sister at the court. The boys played in the sunshine and when they spotted the social workers they ran over for big hugs. Once we were all there we went in and were led to the court room to wait for the judge, who came in and congratulated me and Hubbie. She gave Blue Bear a teddy and us a certificate. We all posed for photos and it was done. We thanked the social workers for joining us, cut a cake and everyone hugged the newest family member.

Since Blue Bear came to live with us we've known he was meant to be in this family. He loves his brother. He adores his aunties and uncles and he's best friends with Neo. He's experienced so many new things with us too:

His first snow day. Making footsteps in the deep snow and building a snowman with Daddy. When he looked out of the window and saw it had melted he burst into tears.

Having watched Brown Bear on his scooter Blue Bear has been desperate to learn how to ride one too. We took him to a local park recently and he finally worked up the courage to give it a go and he loved it.

Like a lot of 3 year olds Blue Bear loves anything to do with pirates so it was heartwarming to see him having a swashbuckling adventure with Neo. Every pirate captain should have a cat first mate on board.

Blue Bear has really enjoyed the changing seasons and really loved taking autumnal walks in the crunchy leaves. I've spent months with pockets full of leaves, conkers and pinecones. 

Both boys love dressing up to play and Blue Bear especially enjoyed being a dinosaur / dragon. He's pretty ferocious isn't he ?

Taking a leaf out of his older brother's book he decided to relax with the tablet. I'm not sure why he's watching a tractor though.

We drive past the fire station every day on the way to nursery and he always counts them to see if any have gone out. We were out walking one day and just happened to spot this engine and he was delighted. Nothing beats a surprise fire engine !

We love Cornwall and it is so wonderful to take him to the beach and see him running around enjoying the sand, the sea and the ice cream.

I remember the first time he stood at the door when Hubbie was leaving for work and he said, "Bye Daddy. Later. Love oo." I laughed and my heart melted. 

Not all firsts have been successful. He tried broccoli, but decided that it's not for him really. We attempted to get him to put his face in the water at swimming and he was adamant that it just wasn't going to happen. He's taken to stamping his foot down and saying, "NO !" which is new and not entirely welcome. 

When the boys have gone to bed I go to check on them and silently watch them sleeping. Brown Bear surrounded by bears so I almost can't see him. Blue Bear lying on his back with his mouth open. I kiss them both and whisper, "I love you." Brown Bear smiles in his sleep, and sometimes Blue Bear sleepily replies, "love oo Mummy." 

We might not have been his first family, but we are his forever family. He belongs with us and we belong to him. 

A crazy little thing called love

Blue Bear woke up crying and upset this evening. He was shaking and incoherent so I talked to him softly and held him until he calmed down. As I tucked him back into bed I reassured him that Mummy and Daddy are here to protect him and take care of him. Brown Bear chimed in to say that if Blue Bear cries he will rush in to look after his brother too. This from a boy who wasn't feeling all that well himself either, but seeing his brother upset he stepped up. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

Love is being not saying. Even though Blue Bear now says, "Bye Daddy. Later. Wuv yoo." as he leaves for work (Hubbie, not my baby boy) and it's the cutest thing ever, it's not necessarily the gold standard of expressing love in this house.

Maybe it's because I'm raising boys, but I'm not exactly overwhelmed with declarations of love every day. Instead I value the slight and almost imperceptible acts of love.

A hug when I'm not expecting it - Blue Bear was sitting next to me on the sofa the other day and he leaned over and gave me a hug then sat back down on his side. 

Random notes telling me nice things - after sitting with Brown Bear one morning and drinking a cup of tea while he ate breakfast (something I never get to do usually) he wrote me this note:

Being nice to the cat - both my boys respond to Neo's pleading for food with an immediate proffering of cat food or biscuits. Tonight Brown Bear whispered, "Mummy let me show you where Neo is hiding." He was under the rocking chair and Brown Bear was delighted to have the cat in his room.

There are days when it's just too tiring. The running around, the picking up boy socks, the smells. Oh my the smells. Some days it's hard to feel love never mind show it. 

Then one of the boys will do something lovely and it's all ok. I think they get it from their Father. 

Not so much new romantic as old spice

Today I was thinking about that early bit of courtship where you do things your partner loves. You know the whole, "Oh we have so much in common, isn't that wonderful. We are so made for each other." That period of time when me and Hubbie were getting to know each other.

I watched non league football - I even travelled to watch games. Not many, but enough to show that I care about what he cares about. In return he went ice skating with me - he's not a fan. He went to a Green Day concert with me - again not his thing at all, but he made a good attempt at looking like he didn't completely hate it.

You see we don't do soppy. He calls me cloth ears when I don't hear him. I complain that he mumbles. He rolls his eyes at the ceiling, I mutter about the half done DIY. We joke that the only time we talk to each other is when we present a radio show together. We live with each other's quirks. He with my aversion to custard and I with his pathological hatred of cauliflower, eggs and picking up his own socks. A habit he has passed onto both our sons - much to my chagrin.

In reality though, we are a team. We have been since we met 12 years ago. Back then we kind of knew we wanted to be together. So got married ten years ago - in a simple ceremony with friends and a few family members present. Then we got on with our lives.

We adopted a cat together - well Neo chose us actually. That's how it works with cats isn't it ? They decide who they will live with and he deigned to assign this role to us.

Neo undertaking a rigorous interview

When it became clear that having a baby wasn't going to be straightforward he went along with all of my crazy schemes from shamanic drumming (no we didn't do this, but he said he'd do it) to hypnosis. He went along with my plan to adopt despite having never considered it before we met so we had a year of being asked about everything and having absolutely no privacy. It was horrible.

Then we had a baby and it was amazing and tiring. After night feeds he would sit downstairs watching baseball with the baby on his knees rocking him to sleep. Every night that we have been parents - with very few exceptions - he's been home for their bedtime. He is every bit the wonderful father I knew he'd be.

When we became three

Then we had the whole adoption process all over again to become parents to our second beautiful boy. * So, now Hubbie has a 'mini-me' and I'm outnumbered by male hormones and smelly socks !! He takes two boys to football with him and I decipher baskets of laundry filled with various sized jeans, t-shirts and pants. The older of our two boys raids Daddy's toiletries for hair gel and the younger copies what his older brother does. He doesn't have enough hair to style yet, but he does like to brush it. 

Is that how you brush your hair baby ? 

This weekend we're away together on a short break for the first time since December 2009. We are spending time without our boys and while I miss them - of course I do - it's reminded me that we have so much fun together and make each other laugh.

Happy Anniversary to us.

Oh and we went ice skating today - because I love it. I think the socks are a small price to pay.

*I've written posts about adoption all this week so you can read those for more about this.

Adoption Week: So, was it worth it ?

It's my final post about adoption this week and I've decided that having written about the trials and tribulations, the challenges and the worries today would be about the rewards. I have talked to many people who've said, "we thought about adoption..." and it kind of drifts off. I'm not judging how anyone had their family. How you had your kids is your business. It's not a competition and I'm not about to win any awards for parenting. I'm doing my best, just like you. We happen to have come to adoption as a result of intention and circumstances.

So, once we've got past all the other stuff the question is always something along the lines of, 'was it worth it ?' I think this is about the perceived effort, the assessment, the waiting, the settling in, the not knowing. It's a lot to answer.

The biggest part of adoption is being an advocate for my child, in a legal sense, but also on a day to day basis I'm the one standing up for him. As well as being his parent I'm his protector - that is what adoption gives a child. It's not about a home or toys, or nice clothes. It's having someone who will talk to the parent of another child when they aren't being nice. Knowing that you are not on your own if you're feeling sad, scared, excited. Someone who will care that you don't like the dark. Who will pop in after you've gone to sleep and turn down the dimmer, just enough to help you sleep, but not so much you are scared if you wake up in the night.

For my son it's knowing that someone cares about him and wants the best for him. I'll be at the end of the phone when he's an adult and he rings to ask how to set his heating system or where to get a new tyre - just like my Mum has been for me. I'll tell him how to cook his favourite meal, "are you cooking for someone special ?" I'll enquire, "no, nobody, nothing, never mind," he'll say. He knows he can ring Dad and ask for a loan (yeah good luck with that son) or tell my sister when he's done something he is too worried to tell us about.

Adoption gives a child a family, security, someone to shout at and to be angry with. He has a safe space to have all the feelings with people whose love is all consuming and who won't walk away when it's too difficult or painful. When he has his heart broken he knows we are here to dispense hugs, cups of tea and his favourite biscuits. When the hurt is so much that it feels unbearable I will hold him (emotionally and physically) for as long as it takes.

Now that he is in this family my son has grandparents who spoil him and have pictures of him everywhere because they love him. He has a cousin and aunties and uncles who adore him. He also has a cat. Neo quite likes him too.

My boy and my cat.

We are here to celebrate his successes, to champion his ambitions, to laugh at his jokes (even the really lame ones) and to tease him when he's being daft. To notice when he is doing something new and bragging about it. Only yesterday I asked a rhetorical question and he said, clear as a bell, "I don't know." You could have thrown tennis balls into my mouth it was so wide in shock. He spoke in a full sentence.

We're the ones with mobile phone memories creaking with photos of him from every single day since he's been with us. The ones who notice the milestones, we see and record and remember. When he does something amazing I'm the one beaming, "that's my son there."

So, was it worth it ?

A million times yes. I can't believe you even have to ask.

It's Adoption Week so I've been writing about adoption every day.

To find out more about adoption week take a look here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/nationaladoptionweek/

Adoption Week: What is a 'real' family anyway ?

I've written about the different types of families before . It's not like as a society we're unfamiliar with the concept of single parents, step-parenting, family carers (eg. grandparents raising children), multiracial families and same sex parents. I realise that not everyone has an enlightened view on any or all of these types of families. It's a shame that for some there is an idea of the 'real' family that exists in their mind - and pretty much nowhere else. Oh and in the christian allegory / family soap from my childhood, Little House on the Prairie. I mean even Michael Landon was pushing custard uphill trying to convince the audience that this was typical family life wasn't he ?

Even thought adoption is no longer kept secret there are still so many misunderstandings about it. I often get asked where my son has come from as there is an expectation that he must be from another country. It's also common to be asked why he was adopted as if there must be some fluffy reason like they had run out of room in the mansion he was born in. There is also the misconception that babies sit around in children's homes waiting until their adopters come to find them. Like Annie, but without the singing and dancing. Or the dog.

When talking about adoption even the most understanding of people struggle with what is appropriate to say or ask. So here's my handy guide to help you stay on safe ground - and some tips on what to avoid:

• He is my youngest son thank you, not my adopted son. I don't refer to your youngest as 'the accident' or your oldest as 'the result of too much prosecco in Kos' do I ? 

• Yes he does call me Mummy. That's because I am his Mummy. He also calls Hubbie "Daddy" and his brother "Baba." I'm pretty sure he's going to call him a lot of other names before too long. 

• We are his family, yes his 'real' family. He also has a birth family and a birth mother - sometimes referred to as a 'tummy mummy' when explaining to very young children. 

• He has grandparents, aunties and uncles just like anyone else. They are his just as much as they are Brown Bear's. I am pretty sure they do not make any distinction between the boys based on how they came to the family.

• Our child was not 'taken away' from his family and 'given' to us. He's not a parcel or an unwanted toy. The decisions that have been taken about his life and the choices that have been made are complicated. They are also private. 

• It is ok to talk about adoption to us, but please show some consideration when talking about him. He has ears and so does his brother. They hear the things you say about them. If it is something you feel the need to say under your breath maybe don't say it at all. 

Blue Bear has been a wonderful addition to our family. He is fun, hilarious and cheeky. He's also stubborn as an ox and gives as good as he gets from his big brother. Anyone who meets them would have no idea that they don't have the same parents. I have been greeted with shock at this news. He looks like Hubbie, he plays tricks like Brown Bear, he dances in the car like me. 

Blue Bear is with his real family. We are his and he is ours. 

Tomorrow: Was it worth it ? 

It's Adoption Week so I'm writing about adoption every day this week.

I'll be answering questions about adoption that you may have. Feel free to comment on here or ask me on Twitter with the hashtag #askaboutadoption.

So go ahead and ask those burning questions. If I can't answer I know enough professionals who I can direct your questions to.

To find out more about adoption week take a look here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/nationaladoptionweek/

Bring on the night, bring on sleep.

My boys sleep through the night.

It's not always easy - sometimes it's a rigmarole with endless drinks of water, tucking in of teddy bears and philosophical discussions. In the end though it's a night of peace. 

If you don't have kids you will have no opinion about this. You might be kind and nod and say, "Oh that's good." As a parent you will either grit your teeth at the temerity of my boast or shrug and think, "well that hardly merits a blog post does it ?"

When Blue Bear first came to live with us he didn't sleep well. The first night both boys went to sleep by 8pm and Hubbie and I were fist bumping each other and thinking the top prize for parenting was ours for the taking. We were just about to sit down to eat and we heard a cry from Blue Bear. He was awake and he was not happy about it. For the next two hours we tried everything we could to get him back to sleep. I lay down with him, Hubbie lay down with him, we put on soothing music, we offered milk and eventually I did what I never did with Brown Bear. I put him in the car and drove around to try and soothe him. It was exhausting.

After that first night his nocturnal stirrings became a regular thing for us. We had set up the cot next to our bed and he slept next to me. Often he woke up crying, screaming, hitting out or reaching out for a dummy or a touch on his head to settle him. We found out he was terrified of the dark, so we put a light on for him. Over time he would turn to check I was still there and I'd feel a small hand reach out for me so I'd sleep as close to his face as I could so he would see me. 

We moved Blue Bear into his own room and when settling him to sleep one of us would lie on the floor next to his bed to reassure him he wasn't alone. I would put him down to nap during the day and have to lie down too. In fact the afternoon rest came as a relief after months of sleepless nights. 

The night waking became so regular that even Brown Bear - who has always been an early riser - started to sleep in. He would struggle to get up in the morning and was tired and tearful during the day. At times Blue Bear would scream because he's lost his dummy. Other times he'd be distressed and sitting up unable to express why he was so upset. Then if Brown Bear woke up we'd have two boys to try and get back to sleep. Some mornings both boys would be in our bed and Hubbie would be asleep somewhere else. He still had to go to work and do a full day on very little sleep.

I can't pinpoint when it changed. Maybe it was when we moved him out of a cot and into a toddler bed. He was able to get out by himself so maybe he didn't feel so confined. Brown Bear has a raised bed now and loves the fact that no one else can get up there, but him.

It was only in the last few days I realised that sometimes I have to go in and wake up Blue Bear. He sleeps soundly and wakes up smiling. I like to believe he knows where he is and is happy to be there. That he loves the teddy bears on his bed, the soft light in his room, the plaintive miaowing from Neo to be let out or fed. Brown Bear wakes up early, but plays with lego or goes downstairs to eat breakfast with Daddy before he leaves for work.

Yes there are still nights when Blue Bear wakes up, but he goes back to sleep pretty quickly and without me having to drive him around the neighbourhood.  

At one time it felt like it would never end - like we'd never get through it. But we did.

So when I say that my boys sleep through, please believe that it's not a boast. It's a relief.

Parenting: past performance is no indicator of future success

Oh this parenting lark is mad isn't it ? Just as you think you have your kids figured out and it seems that the waves are settling and you may well be in for a calm and smooth crossing... The lightning flashes, the thunder claps and a whole new type of bonkers begins. We've had the screaming abdabs, throwing things, pinching, biting, threats and tears. And that's just me and Hubbie !

A sunny afternoon in the park with Baby Boy

We always have mixed feelings about school holidays. I used to look forward to spending days with my beloved boys, baking, lying in bed watching movies, going to the park, messing around in the garden. Then we had the long summer holiday last year and I changed my mind completely. Endless weeks of dealing with tantrums, tears, fighting, bad moods, refusal to take part in anything I'd book for them to do and generally just making me feel like a terrible person.

Big Boy on Brighton Beach 

I don't plan now. I take each day as it comes and have a loose idea of what we will do and nothing too structured. This has had variable results this Easter holiday. The first week I was laid up ill so Hubbie had to do all the childcare during his week of annual leave. It meant the boys went to the park every day - sometimes twice a day - and mealtimes were a bit ad hoc. Then last week I sent them to a sports camp most days to wear them out and then my lovely mum called to ask if Big Boy wanted to go over and stay there for a couple of days. It was a lifesaver. Baby Boy loves having us to himself and Big Boy gets spoiled by grandparents and auntie and uncle. It's a win win - for the kids.

Checking out the animals at Foal Farm

Then today after a particularly bad two days of meltdowns from Big Boy I asked my sister to talk to him. They are very close and have been since he was a baby, I thought if anyone could get him to open up it would be her. Afterwards I spoke to her about what's been happening and she hypothesised that he may well be feeling that while he's away Baby Boy is getting the better deal having Mummy and Daddy to himself for a few days. It had never occured to me that he might want to do that. I feel so stupid. Well, it's on my list to arrange for Baby Boy to spend some time with family so that we can have some exclusive Big Boy time.

So much still to learn. I'm so lucky to have a sister who can help me figure it out and he's very lucky he's got an aunt who loves him so much she is helping him and me to get this right.

The future's so bright my boys have gotta wear shades. 

Boys, your Daddy really is the best

Watching the washing machine

When we go to the card shops you know those cards that say 'Dad you're the best' or, 'My Daddy is awesome.' Well, they have never been my style and I don't really feel the sentiment in them for myself. I do, however, think you have every reason to give them to your Daddy and here's why:

Daddy is kind, caring and always puts us first - he wants you to be happy. 

Chocolate and cake make him happy beyond belief. Cake made of chocolate is... well, awesome ! 

Spending time with you boys is Daddy's idea of a great time. 

The London Transport Museum is our happy place 

I know how much he wishes he could be there for school assembly every week. So you cannot imagine how he felt last Friday when he saw Big Boy receive a silver star for helping a friend. I know that he was the proudest parent in the room. 

People think I'm the strong one, but I'm not. Daddy is the foundation of our family and he makes us all strong and keeps us safe.

Daddy is the silliest, funniest and cleverest man I know.

Daddy is a very serious man

He makes up songs to amuse you - he's been doing this since before Big Boy was born.

Peppa Pig is his favourite TV show.

There are so many reasons why Daddy is the best, but I can give you my number one reason. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have you two.

Happy Father's Day 

"Mummy I don't like you. Daddy is my favourite."

Drawing Daddy 

I'm so sorry I'm just no good at the fun stuff. I seem to be the one who's always saying, "be careful" and "don't climb on the sofa" or "well I did tell you not to stand on that didn't I ?" The only reason I can give you is that it is what my parents did and I can see now that it was because they were so afraid all the time. The difference is that you have me (not fun) and Daddy (fun) so your life is not solely about being surrounded by fear and discipline.

I know son. I realise that I'm not your favourite. It's been sunny all weekend - an oasis of warmth in a wet and miserable Summer (so far) - and I tried to tempt you off the sofa where you were watching Firehouse Dog for, I don't know, the 60th time ? You know, Firehouse Dog, the movie I recorded for you because I thought you'd enjoy it. I was wrong of course. You're obsessed with it. 

It is true I'm not the fun one. Daddy is the one who is good at the fun stuff. He will play with cars and run around the garden or the park and he takes you to football. I feel so guilty and I wish I was more fun, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

Daddy loves to take you to the park whereas I'm looking at my watch and finding excuses to move on and do something else the whole time. Actually I'm watching your scooter as I'm so convinced that some random stranger will come and steal it. I have no evidence on which to base this suspicion, but I do it anyway.

When you go to football I pack you off with healthy snacks and a water bottle for half time and when you get back you tell me you've had a Kitkat and biscuits in the boardroom. Of course there was the time that he forgot to take your shoes and a hat so Daddy had to go to the supermarket next to the ground and buy emergency plimsolls and a baseball cap. 

When we all go swimming Daddy splashes around with you in the kid's pool and you both pour water into boats, race ducks and throw a ball if the nice lifeguard is there. I swim up and down the lanes of the big pool as I don't like being splashed. Mind you the fact that you have a towel and a snack afterwards is my doing and there was that one time that Daddy left your costume behind in the changing room and this weekend he forgot your shower gel.

I've always taken you out and about to activities and you've met Peppa Pig, Thomas and the Fat Controller and had a tea party with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. It's just not my thing to get involved in toddler activities. While Daddy will run around with you at Totstars football I'm complaining about my dodgy knees and looking for the tea trolley. 

I'm not entirely useless though. This stuff doesn't matter to you, but here's what Mummy is good at:

• Before you go to bed I like to have some special time just you and me where we talk about your day. About what has been good and what wasn't so good. It's a space for you to share your feelings and for me to help you make sense of things that might be difficult to understand. 

• When you're asleep I come into your room and kiss you and move the toy cars on your pillow so that you don't roll onto them in the night and hurt yourself.

• If you say you like something I listen. It's important to me that I know you love Big Ben, windmills, Minis, fans, Spider-Man, buses and - at the moment - dogs.

• I don't buy things for myself, I only shop for you. On the rare occasions I do get something for myself I end up taking it back so I can get something for you instead. 

• Any conversation I have becomes about you. It's terribly boring for everyone else, but you know how you're obsessed with Firehouse Dog ? That's how I am about you. Even on days when we aren't getting along you still make me smile and I am proud of what a bright and funny boy you are. 

• When I get it wrong - which seems to be often - I say sorry. It is important that you feel heard and respected and I want you to grow up to be a man with integrity. As far as I'm concerned that means I have to lead by example. 

• I tell you I love you many times a day. I know you don't get why this is important, but you are kind enough to say it back and that makes my day. I hope that you will grow to realise how special it is when someone you care about tells you they love you. My parents never did, so I tell you every day. A lot. 

Lastly, I write about you and our adventures in this blog. I hope that when you're older you will read it with some pride. That it will remind you of things we did and times we shared that you can look back on and smile about.  

I know I'm not the fun one, but I did teach you the words to "I Fought the Law" by The Clash. That has to be worth something ?