Happy Days

It's been a lovely sunny day today and I've loved spending it with my boys. I started out with early morning yoga with my boys, met Hubbie for lunch then had some park fun with Baby Boy this afternoon and a swim with Big Boy this evening. It made me think about the special things that make us all feel happy.

It's no secret that my boys are big fans of fire engines and a visit to the fire station is still their best day out ever:

For me and Hubbie any chance to spend the day together is fun. Especially when Big Boy takes a photo of us together:

The boys love to do things just like Daddy so Baby Boy wants to use a computer and Big Boy is keen to learn to play guitar like Hubbie. They are such cute mini-mes:

The boys also have their own interests. For Big Boy it's his love of Lego and for Baby Boy it's his obsession with his Scuttlebug or as he calls it, "bike."

And never forgetting this guy. Neo loves sunbathing, purring and cuddles:

Finally there are the things I love. Well all of these guys - of course - and the special things they do for me. Like breakfast in bed:

And the things I do for myself, like yoga on a sunny morning:

Oh and this song:

All the feelings, all of the time. I need a marmalade sandwich.

The house is very loud and fraught these days. The sibling rivalry between the boys has gone up a notch and it's really hard to know what to do. Baby Boy is becoming more confident by the day. His speech is coming along and his personality is as cheeky and endearing as his brother's. He is also having mammoth tantrums that are ear splitting in volume and completely unpredictable. At least he can now say, "more naa naa," "cheers," and does a cracking impersonation of a pirate when he's watching Swashbuckle.

It's much harder to work out what's going on with Big Boy as he is veering from hysterical to anger and then sad and remorseful. It's exhausting and combined with moods and throwing things in a temper I'm finding it all a bit too much. I've tried to help calm him, I've talked to him, sat with him and asked his favourite auntie to talk to him, but we don't seem to be making any progress. What I noticed was that given space to talk he does give away information, if we are smart enough to listen for it. The other day he overheard me saying, "you're so cute." to his brother and said, "why don't you say that to me ?" I do, but maybe not as much as he'd like. Then last night he asked Hubbie why he doesn't get to do the same things at bedtime as his baby brother. When we talked about it later we agreed that if he wants to go back to a 'baby bedtime' then maybe it's worth a try until he decides he wants to stop.

I was talking to a friend whose two boys who are older than mine and was crestfallen when she explained that they still bicker and experience jealousy. I had hoped that this would get better, but it seems to be an ongoing issue with vaying degrees of seriousness. At the beginning when Baby Boy came to us we expected some problems with them getting to know each other. There certainly were problems and they were far worse than I could have imagined. Then I found a few things that helped.

Big Boy and I watched the movie Paddington - a lot. There were some interesting parallels in the story of a young bear who lives with an elderly aunt and uncle because his parents have died and our boy who had lived with foster carers until he came to us. We talked about how scared Paddington must have been to leave his family and go and live somewhere new. How strange it was to live with people he didn't know and who didn't all trust or like him at first. The difficulties of learning how to fit in with a new family with different ways of being. So that helped to identify how his brother was feeling and I hoped to nurture some love and care for this new little boy in the family from the other little boy who was feeling left out.

It took time to also find ways to reach Big Boy and help him process his anger, jealousy and general sense of being less important now that there was a new boy in the family. Then we watched Inside Out and it gave us a new language to talk about emotions and how powerful and overwhelming they can be. Big Boy talked about how it feels like there is fire coming out of his head when he gets angry. How sometimes he just feels sad and he doesn't know why. The movie helped us both understand that however much we'd like to be happy all the time it isn't always possible. It also made me cry and when we watched it again recently he asked why.
"I feel sad sometimes and I don't alway know why."
"I don't know why I feel sad or angry Mummy."
"That's ok. So long as you don't hurt yourself or someone else it's ok to feel angry or sad."

We looked at some baby photos and videos of him the other day and I kept telling him that he's always my baby. Even when he's a man he will still be my baby. He laughed. I want him to know and believe that I can love them both and I care about his feelings. I don't want either of my boys to hurt or to be angry, but when they are I want them to have a safe place to go.

Now I just need to find a movie to help us talk about this stage and these emotions. If you have any suggestions please do let me know.

Parenting: past performance is no indicator of future success

Oh this parenting lark is mad isn't it ? Just as you think you have your kids figured out and it seems that the waves are settling and you may well be in for a calm and smooth crossing... The lightning flashes, the thunder claps and a whole new type of bonkers begins. We've had the screaming abdabs, throwing things, pinching, biting, threats and tears. And that's just me and Hubbie !

A sunny afternoon in the park with Baby Boy

We always have mixed feelings about school holidays. I used to look forward to spending days with my beloved boys, baking, lying in bed watching movies, going to the park, messing around in the garden. Then we had the long summer holiday last year and I changed my mind completely. Endless weeks of dealing with tantrums, tears, fighting, bad moods, refusal to take part in anything I'd book for them to do and generally just making me feel like a terrible person.

Big Boy on Brighton Beach 

I don't plan now. I take each day as it comes and have a loose idea of what we will do and nothing too structured. This has had variable results this Easter holiday. The first week I was laid up ill so Hubbie had to do all the childcare during his week of annual leave. It meant the boys went to the park every day - sometimes twice a day - and mealtimes were a bit ad hoc. Then last week I sent them to a sports camp most days to wear them out and then my lovely mum called to ask if Big Boy wanted to go over and stay there for a couple of days. It was a lifesaver. Baby Boy loves having us to himself and Big Boy gets spoiled by grandparents and auntie and uncle. It's a win win - for the kids.

Checking out the animals at Foal Farm

Then today after a particularly bad two days of meltdowns from Big Boy I asked my sister to talk to him. They are very close and have been since he was a baby, I thought if anyone could get him to open up it would be her. Afterwards I spoke to her about what's been happening and she hypothesised that he may well be feeling that while he's away Baby Boy is getting the better deal having Mummy and Daddy to himself for a few days. It had never occured to me that he might want to do that. I feel so stupid. Well, it's on my list to arrange for Baby Boy to spend some time with family so that we can have some exclusive Big Boy time.

So much still to learn. I'm so lucky to have a sister who can help me figure it out and he's very lucky he's got an aunt who loves him so much she is helping him and me to get this right.

The future's so bright my boys have gotta wear shades. 

Lessons I learned from my cat.

This evening I saw the cat lying on the sofa sleeping on a particularly fluffy blanket. He looked so relaxed and I had a few minutes to spare so I went over and rested my head softly on his body. I felt the warmth on the side of my face, the softness of his fur and the vibrations from his purring. It was a moment that I fully experienced and I don't often do that.

In the last few weeks I've been unwell. Firstly it was a bit of a cold and it was annoying, but not especially debilitating. Then it was a bit more full on and I was a bit flattened, but the boys got sick too so I parked it and took care of them instead. There's nothing guaranteed to make you get well faster than having to deal with children who are ill, grizzly and climbing into your bed at night because they don't want to be left alone.

So after a week or so of this it seemed we were all getting better. Then on the last week before school broke up for Easter I found I had tightness in my chest. Then the next day I felt really wiped out. Finally on the last day of school we all met up for an Easter egg hunt after school. We stood in the cold and drizzle waiting for the other kids, my boys were miserable and I was starting to realise that I wasn't quite well. Afterwards as we walked to the car park I banged my head on a low metal beam and the sound like an animal wailing in pain must have been heard for quite a distance. It wasn't a good sign.

On Good Friday I woke up ready to collapse. As we'd planned to visit my parents then Hubbie's we set off in the car. I went upstairs to lie down when we got to my Mum's house. I did the same when we got to the in-laws. Essentially I spent the entire Easter weekend sleeping. I couldn't stay awake for long and kept coughing too. It was pretty rubbish. During all of this I couldn't even enjoy any chocolate as I had given up for charity. As it was I couldn't eat much or taste anything so it was a moot point really.

It was so lucky that Hubbie was off work as I couldn't have handled the boys by myself. I stayed in bed and coughed a lot and slept a lot. Hubbie took the boys to the park, fed them and played with them. It's been the longest time I've rested since Big Boy was born. For the last year I've not stopped long enough to let myself get ill so this was a long time coming. The enforced rest gave me time to just give in to my body. I didn't swim for over a week. My fitbit recorded less activity than my cat achieves. In fact I took my cues from him and lay down and rested when and where I felt like it.

By last weekend I had completely lost my voice. The kids loved it as they could get away with so much knowing I couldn't say anything to them. Again I felt liberated. I didn't have to speak. I could just observe and listen. I noticed how much Baby Boy is chattering away to himself now. The mindless humming and singing that Big Boy indulges in all day became background noise and as he chunters away I realise that his Baby brother copies this and is finding his voice.

Like so many of us I don't take time to stop. I don't let myself take a break or let myself off the hook for daily chores or other things I tell myself I need to do. I'm not able to switch off easily. Giving in and accepting that I had to slow down gave me the chance to see how far my boys have come. It also allowed me to appreciate what I have in Hubbie who took care of everything while I collapsed in a heap of tiredness.

I've no doubt that things will return to normal before long. The school run, the swimming and daily fitness challenges on the fitbit. Scheduling decluttering time to get the house in order and meticulous meal planning. Just for now though I've enjoyed the slackness of it all. Taking my foot off the pedals is curiously satisfying.

One day in April that we'll never forget.

A year ago we were preparing for Baby Boy to come and live with us permanently. We took the cot out of the loft and made it up with nice sheets. We picked some suitable bedtime story books and soft toys to help him get to sleep at night. I collected a high chair for him to use and put the toddler cutlery into the drawer.

On each visit over the previous week we had picked up some of his things so we already had his clothes, toys and some of his favourite snacks. The space in our home that we had made for this little boy was ready. It was real and it was about to happen.

The day itself we were advised to keep things quick and not to linger too long so that he wasn't too upset by it. All of the foster family had already said their goodbyes. As we went to pick him up the teenagers were standing outside the room visibly upset. We asked if they wanted to hug him before we left, knowing that this would be sad, but they all needed closure too. I'm not sure he understood quite what was going on as he was passed around.

I knew it was going to be emotional. How can you care for a baby and watch him leave to go and live with other people ? The foster carers always knew he was going to live with a 'forever family,' but the reality of him going was never going to be easy. He was the first baby they had cared for and who they had prepared for permanency. They were protective of him and keen to see that he went to the perfect home.

What I wanted to tell them that day was what I know now:

• You've done an amazing job with him. He has learned to trust, to play and he shows affection.

• The good eating habits he has have come about thanks to you cooking him good food.

• We won't ever let him forget how important you have been in his early life. At a time when it was crucial that he was cared for and loved you were there for him.

• He did miss you at first. Of course he did. How could he not when he had lived with you for so long.

• That first night when you sent me a message late at night asking if he was ok, it helped so much to know you were there.

As we left that day Big Boy handed over a picture of 'Auntie and Uncle' that he had drawn. We all smiled awkwardly as we headed for the door. There were tears in Auntie's eyes and I wrapped my arms around her with Baby Boy still in my arms.
"Thank you." I whispered into her ear with tears filling my eyes.
"You're his Mum now." She whispered back to me.
We hugged each other tightly until Baby Boy wriggled in discomfort.

"Ok. It's time to come home baby."

My boys 

The best anniversary of all

A year ago today we met our Baby boy. We'd seen photos of him and met his foster carers who told us about him. The social worker advised that we take lots of photos and take a small gift for him. We chose a toy bus.

The first meeting was for an hour. He wasn't too sure about us, but the foster carer said, "look it's Mummy and Daddy." He went over to get the photo book we had made for him. He pointed at our photos and smiled at us in recognition. We've since realised that he's very observant and has a really good memory.

He took to Hubbie straight away. They rolled around on the floor and played and it was just magical hearing his throaty little laugh. We gave him the toy bus and he rolled it along the floor. I lay on the floor while he rolled the bus and followed him into the hall. He looked back at me and made for the door. "Not today baby, we'll go out tomorrow."

At that point he'd spent more than half of his short life in foster care. He was attached to the foster family and they had prepared him to move on to his forever family - us. He had not long started walking. I felt sad that we had missed such a significant milestone, but knew there would be so many others.

Big Boy didn't come with us to the first meeting. He made me promise to take a lot of photos and to tell him everything about his new brother. Our social worker had also advised that I record the feelings and emotions at the time. I'm so glad I did this as there is so much to take in. 

Since that first meeting it's been one of the toughest years of our lives in so many ways, but it's also been amazing. We've had so many milestones and significant first times already. We are now a family of four and it feels just right. It's like he was always meant to be with us. 

I take thee, my children - the vows of parenting.

To have and to hold

The first day I held my children I knew that was it. From the moment held my newborn to the day I saw Baby Boy's photo. I knew these boys had my heart entirely.

From this day forth

Life is never the same again. That is it now - you can't stop being a parent now that you are - it's just not possible.

For better, for worse

The lovely times that my kids make a picture or give me a hug or a kiss for no reason other than 'I love you Mummy. Or the tantrums and the shouting and the sheer exhaustion of being with a tiny person I love and who seems to be doing everything he can to make me stop.

For richer, for poorer

When we are doing well and can spoil the boys they love it. When we have to make the best of it and have to be creative with fun things to do they do too.

In sickness and in health

When the boys are sick they want Mummy. I carry them as if they are babies again and lie down with them to help them sleep. When they are well and full of energy they prefer Daddy- he's fun, he plays and doesn't make excuses like, "I don't know how to play lightsabers and I can't remember the rules to Monopoly (even though all the Monopoly boards are mine)

To love and to cherish

It goes without saying, but I still say it all the time, I love my boys. I still embarrass them completely by kissing them when I drop them off and they pretend they don't like it. I cherish the moments when I go to check on them as they sleep and breathe deeply the joy that they are safe and beautiful and ours.

'til death us do part

I don't ever want to think about this, but I am doing all I can to ensure my boys grow to be independent, strong, responsible and loving men. That when I leave they will be equipped to take their places in the world as a force for good.

Happy Mothering Sunday

I know people who say that Valentine's Day is a marketing thing and that it's just to encourage people to spend money. Similarly they might view Mothering Sunday as a ploy to part us from our money in the name of familial love. A day when florists and restaurants charge us a premium to treat our mothers. All the while the unspoken question is, why only be nice for one day of the year, etc. etc.

A lot of people were shocked when I told them that I wasn't spending the day with my sons. How could I possibly spend my one day of the year not being spoiled by them ? Well, Hubbie taking the boys to visit Grandma and letting me have the house to myself all day is my idea of 'me time.' Ok, it's far from relaxing - my fitbit has recorded 178 active minutes today, mostly from decluttering the house. However, it also gave me some space to think about certain people.

My Mum: I didn't see her today, but we spoke on the phone. When I went to Uni and left home for the first time we used to talk to each other every day. She would ask me at the end of every call, "Shall I call you tomorrow ?" as if checking that she wasn't being a nuisance. In the second year we spoke every week and by the third year I would call her as and when I remembered. It is only now that I am a mother myself that I realise how much that must have hurt her.

My Naniji: Mum's Mum - she died when Big Boy was being born. As Sikhs we believe in reincarnation and my sister and I often comment that they probably passed each other as he was coming and she was leaving. My beloved grandmother knew I was having a boy and she was delighted. She had been with us on the journey to become parents and knew how much it meant to us.  I like to think she is always watching over my sons. I know she is watching over me. 

Baby Boy's birth Mum: I don't know her, but I do think about how hard it must have been and continues to be for her. Not being with a child and then seeing reminders of how hallowed the status of motherhood is in all TV adverts and on every conceivable form of media. I talk about her being his 'First Mummy' in the hope that one day he will understand. I'm not going to remove her from history, that isn't right. Eventually he might think it's a bit special having a First Mummy and a Forever Mummy. 

Soraya's lovely Mum: So many people will be facing today without their mother for the first time. My gorgeous friend Soraya is one who has been on my mind more than most. The combination of sadness and poignancy in being a Mum who misses her Mum. All the time I've known Soraya she was a carer for her Mother. Even during her own diagnosis and subsequent treatment for cancer she continued to take care of her mother who had advancing dementia. I have never known anyone make as much personal sacrifice while also remaining humble and wonderful. Soraya you really are an inspiration my darling and I know that she is proud of you. 

To all those for whom today is a sad day for whatever reason - I've been thinking of you.

Here's a little something that made me smile - I hope it does the same for you :) 

My fitness mad family

Not really skiing - can you tell ? 

We're a fairly active lot in our family. Being outdoors is by far our favourite way to relax and we have lots of ways that we enjoy spending time. Personally I love to swim, ski and me and Hubbie used to play softball before we were parents. I've also taken up Clubbercise recently which is brilliant fun and  is helping my overall fitness too.

Hubbie cycling and Big Boy scootering to school 

At Christmas Hubbie told me he was going to start cycling to work and I had to suppress the giggles as I was so sure he wouldn't do it more than once. Well, he's proven me wrong and has cycled in torrential downpours and has even mastered the steep hills between our house and his office. Some mornings he and Big Boy head off together on their respective wheels.

My little skateboard champ

Big Boy loves all forms of wheeled transport and has been making the case for a skateboard for years now. We did take him to try out some lessons with his friends and he did really well actually. As the weather is improving we will probably do this again. I did promise him he could have a skateboard when he's older, but if he's into it and being safe it may be ok sooner.

Scooter boy 

As an active child Big Boy has been proficient on his microscooter since he was 3 years old. In good weather I take him to school on his scooter and if it's just me and him going anywhere I will take my scooter too. One of his school pals had a birthday party that we rode our scooters to. I remember one of the other mums asking who the trendy mum was and I was delighted to realise it was me she was talking about. That isn't something that's often said about me !

Daddy and Big Boy on the move 

Mummy scooting 

Baby Boy is always trying to run off with his brother's scooter so we decided to see if there was one that would suit him too. The lovely folks at Microscooter recommended their mini 2 go scooter which I have seen toddlers riding when we've been out in the park. It starts off with a seat and a storage box for important soft toys to ride along and then you can remove the seat to make a short handled scooter and eventually raise the handle height until it's pretty much a full size microscooter.

The only time Baby Boy has used his mini 2 go scooter

We took Baby Boy out on his scooter one evening when we were all taking a walk after dinner - I'd love to show you lots of photos of him enjoying riding his fab new scooter, but I'm afraid he's not really interested. Hopefully if we take the seat off he will give it another go as it will be more like his brother's. For now I just have to take photos of the forlorn looking scooter that I pulled along when we went for brunch on Sunday.

Well, we love you mini 2 go

Baby Boy does love his scuttlebug and calls it his 'bike.' The lovely mums at Big Boy's school got together and bought it for him as a welcome gift when he joined our family. He can pick up a head of speed on it and I do have a job keeping up with him.

Off he goes into the distance 

It is great when we go to the park and the boys chase each other round the track. Hopefully once they are both on scooters it's going to be more of an even race.

My boys - off on adventures 

Disclosure: We were sent a mini 2 go scooter by the lovely folks at Microscooters.

Sunshine and chocolate cake

This morning the sun shone just for us.

Big Boy put on his favourite tie and smart trousers and Baby Boy rocked a new shirt that his foster carers had bought him. They wore matching jackets and made us proud.

"Daddy why are you wearing your wedding tie when you're not even getting married to anyone today ?" asked Big Boy.

There was chocolate cake in the shape of a gingerbread man. It went down very well.

Today we celebrated with the ones we love and who love us.

And this guy joined our family.

It's been a good day.

Cry me a river

Baby Boy is crying because: 

• His brother is eating a banana - he doesn't want one, he's just crying about it

• He wants to ride his scuttlebug and I want to put him in his carseat 

• His baby cousin is crying in pain and he wants to show empathy with him. 

• He wants Daddy to carry him, not to ride his scooter home. 

Big Boy is crying because:

• Daddy found all the wrappers in the bin and knows he took 5 packs of fruit strings and 2 packs of bear fruit from the kitchen. 

• Mummy knows he took a Kinder egg and Kinder chocolate bar and ate them in secret while she was out 

• He's probably off his nut on sugar now 

I am crying because: 

• My son has eaten enough sugar to give diabetes to a hippopotamus 

• I finally watched Amy and it made me feel so sad 

• Supervet fixed the dog - then when we were watching Gogglebox I cried all over again when he couldn't fix the dog.

• Hubbie keeps leaving mugs with herbal teabags in them around the house - I now know why my friend hated it when I used to leave mugs with the dregs of tea in them on her sink drainer 

• Every day I step on a rotting apple core that Hubbie has left lying around somewhere in the house - it's like the worst treasure hunt ever 

At least half term is over now so we can all go back to normal.

Who wants to be a Mark Warner Mum ?

Big Boy: On tonight's edition of "Who Wants to Be a Mark Warner Mum ?" we will be asking Mummy and Daddy what makes us ideal to be a #MarkWarnerMum Blogger family.

Mummy: Remember to speak clearly and don't leave your brother out. 

Big Boy: Ok Mummy, Can I have Haribo when we finish please ?

Mummy: We'll see. 

Daddy: So what's your first question then son ? 

Big Boy: Well, I guess to start with we'd like to find out about the kind of holidays you've enjoyed before.

Mummy: Well the first photo I ever saw of me on holiday was with my Mum on the West Pier in Brighton. 

Big Boy: Where is that Mummy ? 

Mummy: Well it's not there any more, but when I was a little girl we used to go to Brighton quite a lot. 

Big Boy: Have I been there ? Was I a baby ?

Daddy: Actually the first time you went there you were in Mummy's tummy. 

Big Boy: You took me on holiday when I was zero ?

Mummy: Yes we did. We did have a lot of holidays when it was just us two. 

Daddy: We went to America a few times...
Big Boy: Where Superman lives ?
Daddy: Yes, and then we visited Morocco before you were born.

Big Boy: When did I go on holiday with you ? 

Mummy: We decided to book a holiday to Spain. Do you remember ? 

Big Boy: Did we go on the plane ? 

Daddy: Yes we did and you met the pilot. You were really good on the flight and kept busy the whole time. 

Big Boy: We had the big white car on holiday didn't we ? 

Mummy: Yes we did and we went to see lots of nice things, but the resort where we stayed was nice with a kids club too wasn't it ? 

Big Boy: I still have the t-shirt from there. 

Big Boy: What's your best kind of holiday ? 

Daddy: Well I like a beach holiday where it's hot. We've taken you on beach holidays.

Big Boy: We've been with Baby Boy too haven't we ? 

Mummy: Yes we took you both to the beach a few times didn't we ? 

Big Boy: Do you like beach holidays Mummy ? 

Mummy: Well, I like being warm, but I also love holidays in the snow. 

Big Boy: The snow ? 

Mummy: Yes. I used to go skiing before you were born. 

Daddy: I haven't been skiing though.

Big Boy: Would you like to go on a snowy holiday ? 

Mummy: I would love to take you and Baby Boy on a holiday where you could have skiing lessons and maybe we could get Daddy to have a go as well. 

Big Boy: I want to try snowboarding. It's like skateboarding isn't it ? 

Mummy: Yes sort of. 

Big Boy: What do you like to do on holiday ?

Daddy: I like to do fun things with you boys. I like to see you having fun. 

Mummy: When we all try new things and do things together it's great. 

Big Boy: Anything else ? 

Mummy and Daddy: Well, we like to have some time together too. 

Big Boy and Baby Boy: (both laugh) 

Big Boy: Finally is there anyone in the family who might object to these plans ?
Neo: Miaow (translation: Ahem - excuse me)

Big Boy: So all we need to do now is check that Jiggles' passport is up to date and we're ready ?
Mummy: I hope so son.
Big Boy: Good luck Mummy. Can I have Haribo now please ?

Mummy: This is my creative writing entry to be a #markwarnermum - with thanks to the whole family for taking part :)