Bulletproof and other myths.

Over the years I've frequently been told I come across as 'bulletproof.' I'm not sure why that is - maybe I'm not meek enough to pass as a typical asian woman. My own mother doesn't pass as quiet so there's no hope that I would. As a kid I aspired to be like the beautiful actresses in movies with their downcast eyes and quivering lips. It was a look that said, "I am so innocent, but sexy too."

Meena Kumari 

The phrase, 'you're strong, you can handle it' has been levelled at me many times. The thing is while I might talk a good game and wear a t shirt that bears the legend 'Mother of dragons' I'm playing a part. Oh yes I will absolutely tear apart anyone who touches my kids. However, I'm equal parts Tiger Mama and terrified of everything mother.

Like most women of my acquaintance I've been called aggressive. I used to tell myself to be less outspoken. I'd wish I said less or just knew when to shut up. I tried to adhere to the adage, 'better be silent and thought a fool than speak and confirm it." Only I always had to say my piece. I still punish myself for speaking my mind. I go over the conversations in my head and think about all the ways it could have gone differently if I'd said less.

The distance between what I want to be and what I am is one I am trying to bridge. I've had to negotiate the transition from being someone's wife and knowing what that meant and where we were heading to a future without any certainty at all. Instead of seeing this a a bad thing I've decided to see this as freedom.

Anything is possible. I don't have the weight of anyone else's expectations on me any more. It is all up to me. I can choose. So what are the dreams and ambitions I have for myself ?

1. To do the things I love - that includes swimming in the sea and spending time with this lovely lady:

Gorgeous Pippa from Penzance :) 

2. Being sassy - full on flounce and attitude to match. Sequins optional:

Yass !! 

3. Celebrating my inner silly - actual total ridiculousness:

Check out the buns ! 

4. Never being afraid of my darker side. Embracing the pain and difficulty without it consuming me or taking over:

5. Using my voice for good. Sharing music, positive intentions and using the platform I have to do good for others:

Hey DJ !

6. Finally giving thanks. For the kind thoughts and deeds that others have directed towards me. Gratitude enables us to radiate love and kindness:

From stressed to blessed

When I get stressed I'm going to remember I'm blessed.

The crumbs on the carpet indicate that we have plenty to eat.

Toys strewn about the floor tell me that I have children who play and have fun.

My bathroom looking like a swamp reminds me that we have clean, running water inside our home.

Shouting and arguing are the signs that my children are free to express their emotions in a safe space.

Piles of clothes needing to be washed or folded also keep my family warm and dry.

Always having rooms to clean means we have plenty of space to live - if not time to clean it.

It's difficult to see the positives right now, but I'm making a promise to myself to try.

After all, I have so much to be grateful for. 

All I want for Christmas is what I already have - thank you :)

A year ago we had no idea that Baby Boy would be coming to live with us. We were planning our first Christmas away and getting ready for an exciting week in Cornwall staying at Coombe Mill.

Then while were were on holiday we received an email with a profile and a photo and the question - would we consider this little boy ? I showed the photo to Big Boy and he said, "Is that me as a baby ?" I said. "No, it's a little boy who we're thinking about having to come live with us. How would it be if he was your baby brother ?" Big Boy looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'd like that."

I found Wally

A lot happened in between - which I will tell you another time, I promise - and now we are here. We're a family of four (ok, Neo - five) and this Christmas he's here with us. It's the most amazing gift of all and I cannot believe it's only been a year since this all began for real.

So, when anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I can honestly say, "nothing."

Oh we're such fun

I have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, a fluffy cat, a new iPhone (ok, not strictly nothing then).

I told you he's fluffy !

Most importantly of all I have two sons I love and adore. They are safe, healthy and happy.

My boys 

Ok, I'd like to be slimmer, to not have dodgy knees and a gammy shoulder. I'd love to be able to live on chips, chocolate, champagne and strawberries.

For now I'm thankful for what I do have. I had no idea this time last year that it would be so much.

Love...

Brit mums live 2015 - in photos

So much happened at Britmums Live last weekend that it would take me weeks to process it all so I've put together some of my favourite memories to tide us over until I get to finding actual words. Suffice it to say I had a wonderful weekend talking to grown ups and drank every cup of tea I was given - neither of which never happens when I'm home. I was caffeinated to the max and I met and chatted to so many lovely blogger friends - some for the first time in real life. 

So in no particular order here's what happened:

As you already know my dream destination is Hawaii so in preparation I had my photo taken with a boogie board and lai - dream it to become it right ? 

After the craziness of the ice breaker where I was wrapped in toilet paper in a world record attempt to wrap the most mummies (as mummies - get it ?) we found out we had done it and here I am with the certificate to prove it: 

On Saturday morning we talked pants with Carol Smilie - her new venture is Diary Doll pants for women and girls - a fantastic idea that isn't being talked about in mainstream media because it's about icky stuff that's about women things and periods. How ridiculous ! 

So in the afternoon I decided to take some time out to do some knitting. All accompanied by these lovely singers. I have learned to knit cable - I am beyond proud of that - thanks to the lovely Helen from Coats and the ladies from Lady Sew and Sew.

The lovely Pippa from Story of Mum led my favourite session 'Embrace Happy' where we made gratitude hearts. I loved this activity and it was so nice to think about the things that make me happy and to give thanks for the people who I am grateful for.

That's all for now, but I'm still working on my cable knit cowl so I'll let you know when it's finished :)

Today I'm working with gratitude

Today has been a very difficult day. I'm not going to go into detail about why. I would prefer to put it behind me. Instead I'm working on celebrating what is going well right now. So I've been stockpiling the good bits to look back on for a while now just for a moment like this.

Last year my sister shared this idea to keep a 'gratitude jar' where you write down when something good happens. You do this for a whole year then on New Year's eve you sit and read them so you can remind yourself of all the wonderful moments that you might otherwise forget. As a blogger I have this space to record such things, but it's still a good discipline to write a physical note and pop it in the jar. I have a clean peanut butter jar. a pretty pen and some small strips of paper on which to write my happiest moments.

my gratitude jar 

In a virtual version of my 'gratitude jar' here are the small notes I'll be keeping about this week.

• Hubbie dressed baby boy in a pique polo shirt that I haven't seen before and he looked so cute we called him the 'baby mod' 

• Big Boy rushed outside when my sister came over at the weekend to help her carry the bags from her car 

• Mum sent some lovely homemade food with my sister so I didn't have to cook for the boys for a couple of days 

• Lovely friends came to visit at the weekend and I saw my boys through their eyes - as polite, kind and thoughtful 

Saving water - the greatest gift ever ? 

• So many reasons to love Hubbie, but the main one right now is that he got this for our kitchen sink - a water saving swivel tap head. Don't judge, I love it ! 

• This afternoon I took the boys to the park after school pick up. It was a gorgeous sunny afternoon. They had ice cream and played and for a little while it all felt ok. 

I'm going to keep working with gratitude in the hope that there will be more to write and keep in the jar and less to try and forget.