Rhapsody on Blue

Last week the boys were at summer camp. The manager told me one afternoon when I picked them up that every day Blue Bear warmed their hearts with his big smile and enthusiasm. They would always get into the car chattering away about their day then within minutes of getting indoors they would argue, someone would cry (usually Brown Bear, sometimes Blue Bear and on the worst occasions me) and it was a race against time to get food on the table before the apocalypse occured. I remember the first Summer holiday after Blue came to live with us. I was at home so couldn't justify sending them to camp. Instead I tried to keep them both occupied and more importantly apart. We booked our usual week in Cornwall and stayed at Coombe Mill where the boys fed the animals every morning and rode on the mini train every afternoon. It was in Cornwall that we discovered Blue Bear's love of animals, especially dogs. On subsequent visits he would bottle feed a goat and hold a carrot for a donkey to eat.

A lot of momentous events have occured when we've been in Cornwall. It was when we stayed at Coombe Mill for Christmas that we received an email from the social worker with a photo of a blue eyed little boy and a bit of information about him. I spoke to Hubbie and then showed Brown Bear and he asked, "who is that ?" I told him and asked if he wanted to be his brother. "Yes, he looks like me doesn't he ?" "He does baby." We had no idea that the next day we would receive an email saying he was no longer an option and to forget about him. I couldn't forget this little boy though. His beautiful face. That serious expression. I didn't want to forget about him.

Thankfully I didn't have to and during the Easter holidays he came to live with us. We took him on his first holiday to Cornwall the following July. He was nervous about the other children and kept close holding mine or Daddy's hand. He loved feeding the animals, but didn't want to drive the tractor. Where Brown Bear would make friends and go off to do his own thing, Blue would stay close to us and didn't want to stray too far from our sides.

This afternoon I watched as Brown Bear showed Blue Bear how to push the pedals on the electric bikes to make them go. With the payment tokens put in they both went round the track carefully and accurately. Brown waited for his brother so they could ride round together and it was so sweet. We have seen so many milestones on these annual visits and this week is no exception. I've seen a confidence and a cheekiness that is heartwarming. This afternoon the boys were in the back of the car chattering away and - for a change - not arguing. I quietly commented to Hubbie that it was lovely. We spoke too soon - of course - as within seconds Blue was screaming because Brown was prodding him.

A few days earlier we had all gone to the beach and friends had taken body boards. Brown Bear had a surfing lesson two years ago with me and loved it. This time we figured that some fun splashing around in the shallow end would suffice. When I went over to see how they were getting on Blue Bear was having great fun and trying the board. The same little boy who was scared of the water and wouldn't go into the sea the first time we came to the beach. I watched him do so many things that day and noticed how brave he has become. Some of this is because Brown Bear is fearless and competitive and Blue Bear wants to be just like his brother. In no small part, though, it's because he knows it is safe to take risks and we will be there for him. He trusts us.

The other day the boys were staying with family members while me and Hubbie had a weekend away together. I phoned Blue Bear to see how he was doing and was taken aback at how chatty he was. He explained that he'd been painting with Grandma, watered the plants and that Missy (the cat) had even hung around - she usually runs off. He had chicken dippers for tea and was going to have an ice cream for pudding. Once he'd given me the full report he announced, "I going now, bye Mummy." This is the little boy who barely spoke and now he's holding conversations with me.

We were sitting at the table yesterday eating lunch and Brown Bear had gone to get something and Daddy had gone to the car. I smoothed Blue Bear's head and kissed him softly. He smiled. I did it again. He leaned into me a bit more. I laughed and kept giving him gentle kisses on his face.
"Mummy when you kiss me I stop eating."
"Am I putting you off ?"
"Yes."
"Sorry."
"Keep doing it."
We both laughed. Brown Bear came back and asked what was so funny. Blue Bear finished his chips and we walked back to the car to join Daddy.

At one point today Brown Bear came over to hug me - Blue Bear went to hug him. Hubbie picked up his phone and managed to capture the moment. When I looked at the photo I saw my gorgeous boys and the smile of love and happiness on my face. As I told a friend of mine later, this is all I ever wanted from parenthood. Children with ice cream all over their faces and huge smiles. Ok, it's not often, but just sometimes it's plenty.

Postcards from Cornwall

I used to imagine that spending time in Cornwall was just what other people did. That it cost too much and would be out of our price range. It was a shame really as on my travels around the country I'd seen some lovely places and wondered how the experience of Padstow would differ if I was a tourist instead of visiting for work. My first ever visit to the Eden Project was in its first year of opening as I was staying in Wadebridge for work so I thought I'd take a rare morning off to go and see it. It was the beginning of a long love affair I have with the place and one I've been able to indulge in since we've been taking holidays at Coombe Mill with the children. We took Brown Bear the first time we stayed in Cornwall and he's been with us a few times since. I've wanted to go back on my own for a while though.

At the weekend I was lucky enough to go to the Eden Project twice. On Friday night I went to watch the Manic Street Preachers with Hubbie. We were absolutely soaked by the rain, but the gig was amazing so the weather didn't matter much. I made a quick visit to the Mediterranean biome where the lovely Nathan told us all about how oats are transformed from a humble crop to a breakfast cereal and I even rolled some oats to take home with me.

The tickets entitled us to go back the next day so Hubbie kindly offered to have the boys while I went off to spend time by myself exploring and enjoying the place without having to entertain or feed the boys. I stopped for a lovely brew and then I achieved a long held ambition to make it to the top of the lookout point to get a stunning view of the rainforest below. A young lad who was also walking up was delighted to share that he'd just overcome his fear of heights. It was a good day for us both.

I've reached the roof of the rainforest !

The view is spectacular 

I ate a delicious lunch - made of locally sourced ingredients - in peace and quiet before going back to the biome to learn the 'story of chocolate.' How it goes from bitter cocoa pod to the delicious bars we consume. (some of us more than others, admittedly). The zipwire was definitely tempting, but I decided that one daredevil act in a day was plenty and - realistically - if I didn't have anyone to cheer me on it probably wasn't going to happen. After checking in with Hubbie I bought a pasty to say thanks for looking after the boys at Coombe Mill so I could have an unspoilt trip to Eden.

The story of chocolate from bean to bar 

These smell amazing 

All that time by myself gave me a chance to ponder how much time we spend doing things that make our children happy that we don't necessarily have any interest in ourselves. Equally why drag them around when they will just fuss about having to do a 'boring grown up thing' ? I've decided to plan what I want to do as the boys grow older and I am able to cultivate my own interests again.

My new ambitions:

Go on holiday without the boys - I don't mean a long weekend or a few days I mean a full on proper grown up holiday with cocktails and going out for dinner and only doing what we want to do. I'm relaxing just thinking about it.

Own a camper van - ok this is obviously a pretty common one, but it's still on my list. I want to be able to take off and have an adventure whenever I want. To pack a yoga mat and some swimming things in the back and just drive away for a few days and not have to worry about anyone else.

Learn to surf - now this is related to the last one as the whole surf culture is associated with camper vans. It's also one of the sports that I haven't yet tried and have wanted to for years. I booked a surf course on Fistral Beach over ten years ago and bottled out of going by myself. Now I have sons they can do it first so I don't feel so daft.

Live in Cornwall - maybe not all the time, but I do love it here. Of course I do have to wait until they have more than the one Waitrose (or live in Truro where that one is). This ambition will make it possible for me to...

Work / volunteer at the Eden Project - it's a place that always fascinates me and I would love to spend a lot more time there. Who knows I might even apply for an apprenticeship.

Care for a dog - I've had an ambition for a while to foster a dog. Blue Bear loves dogs so much and I think caring for a trainee assistance dog would be great for us as a family. He could learn to look after it and we would also be helping prepare the dog for a life helping someone else.

and finally...

Write every day - At the moment I write late at night before going to bed or in the brief moments I have during the day. It's usually in the front room with other things going on all the time - crying children, cat demanding to be fed, hubbie watching politics or sport on the telly. I'm often tired and unable to really concentrate on what I'm doing so all those fantastic clever witticisms that I thought of earlier have retired already. I'd like a space that is mine and where I can just go and write. Without distraction, unnecessary noise or guilt.

I'll let you know how I get on with achieving this list :) 

All I want for Christmas is what I already have - thank you :)

A year ago we had no idea that Baby Boy would be coming to live with us. We were planning our first Christmas away and getting ready for an exciting week in Cornwall staying at Coombe Mill.

Then while were were on holiday we received an email with a profile and a photo and the question - would we consider this little boy ? I showed the photo to Big Boy and he said, "Is that me as a baby ?" I said. "No, it's a little boy who we're thinking about having to come live with us. How would it be if he was your baby brother ?" Big Boy looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'd like that."

I found Wally

A lot happened in between - which I will tell you another time, I promise - and now we are here. We're a family of four (ok, Neo - five) and this Christmas he's here with us. It's the most amazing gift of all and I cannot believe it's only been a year since this all began for real.

So, when anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I can honestly say, "nothing."

Oh we're such fun

I have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, a fluffy cat, a new iPhone (ok, not strictly nothing then).

I told you he's fluffy !

Most importantly of all I have two sons I love and adore. They are safe, healthy and happy.

My boys 

Ok, I'd like to be slimmer, to not have dodgy knees and a gammy shoulder. I'd love to be able to live on chips, chocolate, champagne and strawberries.

For now I'm thankful for what I do have. I had no idea this time last year that it would be so much.

Love...

My boy - form an orderly queue now girls.

Me and the boy have some fun. At times we have a fraught relationship and things aren't always great, but there are times that make being his Mum incredible.

Since he's been at school there are days when I get an email from his teacher that begins with the words, 'It is with regret that I am writing to tell you..." and I hear about what naughtiness he has been up to that day.
I asked him if he'd been good at school and he replied with, "Did my teacher send you an email ?"

"No, I didn't see anything."

"I must have been good then." 

You can't argue with logic like that can you ? 

He met Father Christmas at Harrods - very nice by the way, would recommend. As he was having nice chat my boy told him we were seeing him again two more times.

"I'm seeing you next week at Birdworld and again in Cornwall."
So much for the magic of Christmas and willing suspension of disbelief. I tried to hide behind Sparkles the elf, but the big man took it in his stride and said he was looking forward to seeing my boy again. We picked up our goodie bag and sloped off to look at the Olaf soft toys while we waited for our photos to come through.

My little man meeting the big man

Then there are things my boy does that stun me. When we were waiting to see Santa at Birdworld the elf helper asked him what his name was. He told her then he spelled it out. All by himself. Me and Hubbie looked at each other open-mouthed and puffed up with pride.

We were sitting on the sofa in the front room when I asked if he was warm enough and he said he was. I mentioned my feet were cold. He wandered off.

"Here Mummy, put on your big fluffy socks."
Ladies and gentlemen - my boy.

Finally, we went to buy christmas cards for family members and he chose one for our next door neighbour Jill. He loves her very much so he chose a card that read Happy Christmas Grandma. When I said, "oh yes, because Jill is your pretend Grandma," he corrected me, "No Mummy, she is a real Grandma." Well, that made me choke up right there.

Snowball fun with Sparkles the elf

I'm going to remind myself of that next time we fall out over putting on socks or brushing teeth.

That boy has the makings of a really lovely young man.