How do I talk to my son about International Women's Day ?

This morning at breakfast I talked to my six year old son about International Women's Day. It told him that in some parts of the world girls don't get to go to school. He looked shocked. "I'm glad we live here and everyone can go to school." We also talked about how some women aren't allowed to vote or drive. I left it at that for now. I mean I want to raise considerate men who understand equality, but I don't want to traumatise my children by telling them the whole story just yet.

That women routinely earn less than men. Women earn less for the same work. Routinely. Oh and if you have children there is a motherhood penalty and a fatherhood bonus. I'm not making this up - academics have studied the phenomenon and it's absolutely true.

I still haven't worked out how to explain why women including Michelle Obama and the Williams sisters are described in openly racist terms or criticised as being too 'masculine' for not conforming to a petite blonde stereotype. Don't even get me started on how women in politics are treated in this country. It is inevitable that my boys will become familiar with the fact of life that women are threatened and abused online for speaking out. Stella Creasy and Jess Phillips have been very honest about the level of abuse that is directed at them on a daily basis.

In some countries women aren't allowed to drive or vote. Ok, so I mentioned this to him, but I didn't talk about the fact that women 'belong' to men and are treated as inferior. When he is older I hope he will be as outraged by this as I am. Mind you one of the best things about today has been the reminder that there exists this video about an all female flight crew who landed a plane in a country in which they would not be allowed to drive.

Then there are the social inequalities that I hope they don't have to find out about. A woman is more likely to receive a custodial sentence for a minor crime than a man. If a woman is sent to prison he children may be taken from her and placed into the care system.

That the domestic abuse storyline from the Archers is played out in real life every day and that 2 women are murdered a week at the hands of an abusive partner. It is not confined to soap operas and does not happen to a 'type' of person.

I'd also like them to understand that women can be great scientists, engineers, code breakers, athletes, writers and work in all manner of professions and have many skills. It's not about taking one day to think about the achievements of women. It's about challenging a media that celebrates the 'first British Wimbledon winner' in decades entirely overlooking Virginia Wade's title win. Not least as that man was coached by a woman and this in itself was considered controversial at the time.

What I hope is that as my boys get older they will see real change and experience a positive picture. I was raised in a female oriented household and they are surrounded by feisty women. I hope this gives them a positive view of strong women and high expectations of what women can do.

It's a lot for a six year old to think about, but for now I think knowing that going to school is a privilege is a good start.

Ok I confess I do listen to the Archers

I was once asked by a manager if I thought of myself as English because he'd heard me call myself 'Indian.' He was a black man who identified as Scottish first and foremost so I guess he wondered why the disparity existed. I told him I felt that I couldn't identify with being English, but by birth I am British and my family originate from India so if anything that makes me British Indian. Then I realised that when I'm in India I am seen as English, firstly because I was born here and live here and secondly because Hubbie is so I guess I must be. The reality is that I am English for a few simple reasons:

• I dunk biscuits into tea (only the basic ones like ginger nuts I'm not weird or anything) and apparently that is an English thing.
• I drink a lot of tea - I always thought this was an Indian thing, but apparently it's English. What would I dunk my biscuits into otherwise ? 
• I love marmite - my friend SJ says that having a strong opinion about Marmite (love it or hate it) is what makes a person English. 
• The definitive marker, however, is that I listen to the Archers. My friend Tim who lives in Thailand still listens to the omnibus and we compare notes on a Sunday about what is happening. Now that is proper commitment, but then I suspect he takes pride in that whole 'Englishman abroad' schtick.

Making this admission in public is a bold move for me as it's part of my accepting my middle aged, middle class, self. It's also about something bigger than me or the Archers - I know, is that even possible ? At the moment the Archers has a storyline that has caused a lot of consternation and upset to regulars and newbie listeners alike. As someone who has been listening for fewer than 5 years I am still a relative newbie. I am, however, very invested in the current storyline about Helen and Rob. This has been going on for a while and it has emerged over time that he is emotionally manipulating his wife, isolating her from friends and family and is now turning her young son against her.

It is often difficult for someone who hasn't experienced this kind of domestic abuse to understand why Helen isn't just standing up to him or telling someone, but having lived with someone not dissimilar to Rob I think I understand why.

In the beginning of my relationship he seemed very kind and I believed he was misunderstood. Rob told Helen that his wife was mad and that only she truly understood him. The secrecy of the relationship was part of what made isolating me from my friends possible. Helen and Rob started out having an affair and she lied to everyone about seeing him. As the relationship progressed he ensured she relied on him more and more.

In public he would be charming and in private he had an unpredictable temper and I would be on the edge of my nerves as soon as he got home in case he was in a bad mood. Regulars will remember that Rob was very angry because he hates tuna and lied about being attacked by a hunt saboteur. If these sound like ridiculous examples let me give you some of my own.

We were driving to see his mother for the weekend and because she was off with him on the phone he swerved sharply off the motorway and threatened to drive into a wall. I talked him out of doing that (well shouted actually) and instead he threw his new mobile phone out of the window.

While we were away celebrating his 30th birthday he fell into a bad mood and decided to pick a fight before we went to eat where he made unkind comments to me while we ate dinner. I tried to stop myself from crying as he gritted his teeth and sneered at me to stop showing him up in public.

It isn't just anger though, it's also dishonesty. Rob has lied and manipulated others and is convincing Helen that she is going mad. Towards the end of my short lived first marriage I was broken and alone. On the first day back to work in January 2000 I got to the train station and decided to go home and rest for the day, thinking he'd already left for work. As I opened the front door to our flat I heard him indoors and felt my blood drain away. He was furious with me for being home. The smell was unmistakeable yet he'd told me he had stopped smoking weed ages ago. When he heard the door lock open he'd thrown the lit joint on the floor and it would be my fault now if the flat burnt down. As I crawled on my hands and knees to find it with tears rolling down my face I knew that this was enough. The lying, the loneliness, the lack of basic kindness.

I was lucky enough to get away without the need for an intervention and I was able to go to my parents' home. A lot of women are not so fortunate and if they also have children there is so much more at stake.

A lot of listeners have questioned why Helen hasn't told anyone or left Rob. Well I know women who have had their jaw broken and been too afraid to report it. Who have also asked to drop the charges, not because they forgive the man who did it, but because they are convinced that they did something to deserve it. Physical damage can be seen, but mental cruelty is very hard to prove. Someone like Rob will make you think you are the problem and that without him you just won't cope.

One of my fellow listeners Paul Trueman has created a Justgiving page in the name of Helen, with all donations going to the very real and much needed charity Refuge. So far it's raised an amazing amount of money to help Refuge support victims* of domestic abuse. I am a proud member of the Archers Appreciation Facebook group and even more so now that we have done something positive with all that unspent rage we are feeling towards Rob.

If you would like to donate please go to this link: https://www.justgiving.com/helentitchener/

* I use the word victims advisedly and with no intention to shame anyone. 

Iron woman

[Trigger warning: this post talks about domestic abuse - it is not graphic, but does refer to violence in relationships]

I have come to the conclusion that Helen in the Archers is the new Little Mo from Eastenders. I predict an 'I am woman hear me roar' storyline in the future where the scales finally fall from her eyes and she sees the cheating lying Rob Tichner for what he is and exacts a suitable revenge on him. In Little Mo's case she clouted Trevor round the head with an iron. I suspect with Helen it would either be a whole wheel of cheese if she was at work or one of her son Henry's stickle bricks in an awkward place if she was at home.

Woman in abusive relationships is an ongoing and much repeated storyline and I'm not entirely sure why it's so popular or common. It's not like a woman is going to hear it and suddenly think, "Oh ok, now I see. I have to leave my home with my children and go away from this place and be in the bosom of my loving soap opera family."

I have both witnessed and lived with bad relationships. I don't mean stealing your moisturiser bad. Or a refusing to call you back or turning up for a date about 3 hours late bad. I'm not even talking about the one where they deny you broke up with them so that their record of always being the one who dumps and not the one who is dumped remains intact. Yes, all of these have happened to me in real life. In fact most of them were the same person.

What I mean is actual physical and psychological harm. The first was revealed to me on arriving early to help set up a birthday party for the 6 year old child of a friend. They hadn't arrived yet and when they did I asked the birthday girl what had happened and she told me that Daddy had hit Mummy and made her bleed. I was horrified and she looked so sad. When her parents walked in all smiles she did the same and it wasn't mentioned again. To my shame I didn't ask them about it and years later when he had been in rehab and was sober he told me he used to hit his wife. I was so angry with him for it and with myself for not talking to her about it. For not asking if she was ok. I don't know if she'd have told me anything as I was an old school friend of her husband's. I still should have talked to her. At the very least been a friend to her. I should have because I had been in a bad marriage myself.

My Little Mo moment came when I went to pick up my things from the flat I had shared with my first husband and he was there trying to stop me. We argued over a dish drainer that had cost 50p from Woolworths - I left it behind - and other petty things. He threatened me and I looked at him, all 6 foot 4 of him and said, "if you're going to hit me, just do it." He went quiet and I packed the car and left. I call it my Little Mo moment - even thought it happened years before the storyline - because it also involved an iron (although not as violently). I don't iron, I just don't. However, I took the iron with me. Maybe out of spite or maybe because I had paid for it. I just don't know.

So, this came to mind when I was listening to the Archers last week. How standing up to a bully is terrifying and you don't want anyone to know how pathetic you've been to stay with him for so long. You know how at the end of programmes they now say, if you've been affected by any of the issues in this programme call this helpline ? They don't do that in the Archers and I really felt angry, bitter and upset. It was like a trigger that took me back to a place I had forgotten. A person I don't recognise any more.

It's only a soap, but it's not made up. Women stay in bad relationships - as do men - because they have no choice or because they are manipulated to stay. I did. I hope Helen realises soon that this is not a good relationship and that she and her son are better off without Rob.

I can lend her an iron if she needs it.