Jumping for joy

There are few activities the kids get to do that make me jealous, but trampolining has always been one of them. Whenever they are invited to a party at a trampoline park I immediately accept the invitation (even if they don't want to !) and if I can I sneak on for a jump or two. 

I've loved trampolining since I was at school which is why it was a surprise that it took me so long to get one for the garden. I always had a concern about the safety of having one at home and also didn't want to ruin the aesthetic of my outdoor space. Once I realised that the garden resembles a playground with it's slide, swing and a den for the boys I decided that a trampoline wasn't going to ruin anything. 

Even when you have one at home it's a treat to go to a place where the whole room is dedicated to jumping. When Jump In asked us to try out their Covid safe trampoline park in Elstree I can honestly say I was beyond excited. 

We booked a one and a half hour session as it's the best value for money and we didn't have to rush. I also booked for myself which was a treat for me as I often end up sitting on the sidelines while the kids enjoy the activity. On this occasion I decided we were going to have a family trampoline trip. 

On arrival we were greeted with very clear signage directing us to use the one way system and there were plenty of hand sanitiser points to use. Jen at the front desk was very helpful and handed us all our jump socks and directed us to where were needed to go. 

We put out belongings in a locker - which are very spacious and located right next to the jump area. That made it much easier to relax and enjoy our visit. We headed straight for the the main area and did some warm up jumps. It's been years since I trampolined properly and I have to be honest it so much fun 

The jump area includes a high drop and a dodgeball / basketball area as well as games that you can play together or on your own. There are slides and an area dedicated for toddlers so they can play safely without older children or adults spoiling their fun. My boys enjoyed the games and raced each other on the slides. It really is easy to lose track of time when you're having this much fun. 

Visitor numbers are limited to allow social distancing and staff are on duty around the jump area to ensure that patrons are keeping safe. This was invaluable when we wanted to ask questions and the staff were very friendly and helpful. Cory administered some first aid while we were there and it was all handled very well and it's reassuring to know that the staff are trained to deal with any issues that might come up. 

Trampolining is hungry work and with a cafe on site we decided to have lunch after our session. The food is ordered using an app and is cooked fresh and brought to the table. We went a bit overboard with our order as we weren't expecting such generous portions of food. The pizza was delicious and my son couldn't finish the enormous hot dog so he had the rest for dinner. 

If you have been wondering how safe it is to take the kids to a trampoline park I can assure you that Jump In have thought it through for you. Our children have been stuck indoors for so long that being able to do something 'normal' and fun for a few hours was just fantastic and I am so glad we were lucky enough to be able to try this out. 

You can book your own jump session here:  https://www.gojumpin.com/locations/trampoline-park-elstree

Disclosure: The lovely folks at Jump In gifted us a voucher for a visit to the Elstree centre in return for an honest review. 

Do I get breakfast in bed ?

It used to be a running joke that on Mother's Day I would do something that didn't involve my kids. The logic was that I am a mum every day so for one day of the year I get to celebrate it doing something for myself. A spa day, going to the theatre on my own, something just for me. Then something happened last year that left me in shock. Actual shock. Three days before Mother's Day. I was already committed to spending the weekend with my own mother and my mother-in-law and not wanting to let anyone down I went along. On the Saturday with my family I took my kids - they only want to see them anyway - and acted like nothing was wrong. We had an afternoon tea and Prosecco. It was lovely. The following day we travelled down to see mother-in-law despite my wish to just crawl under a stone. I overdid the Prosecco and tried too hard to pretend all was well.

A few weeks later at Easter there was no more pretending. I was open and honest about what had been going on and that I wasn't prepared to tolerate it any more. What followed was the most painful time I have ever experienced. Months of punishing myself for not knowing, for being so stupid, for not trusting my instincts. To be clear I knew from the minute I found out it was over. There was absolutely no question in my mind. I don't regret this decision and I don't in any way wish to be back where I was.

In the first few weeks I had to deal with other people's reactions. I didn't want to tell all and sundry what had happened. I felt it reflected badly on me. I found out very quickly who I could trust and who I should stay away from. I formed a WhatsApp group of friends who I knew would be there for me at all hours. To agree with me while I was ranting, hold me while I cried and sometimes just to listen. I desperately wanted to feel loved again. I wanted someone to hold me and make it all better.

Each milestone has been like a millstone. The first holiday just me and the boys. I took my Mum with us and cried on her almost every day. She fed me and listened to me and did all those wonderful Mum things that you don't usually have any more once you leave home. The first Christmas as a single parent. Surrounded by other families who all came with a full complement of parents.

Every step of this has been like walking on broken glass. The cuts hurt, but I've kept going. I have had to. We're coming up to a year of this now. I've ensured the boys have support and that they see all the people in their family. That hasn't always been easy, but it is only fair.

I have held firm that I am not accepting less than I deserve. That I am worth more than I have tolerated in the past. I didn't actually believe it at first, but you know what they say, 'fake it until you make it.'

You see I pretty much always knew that I wanted to be a mother. It was the one thing that I wanted more than anything else in the world. For a long time I didn't think it would. I tried to make my peace with it. I was completely in love with a man who had children already. I dated a man who couldn't have them. I married a man who was told it would be unlikely. So many times it looked like it would never happen.

Then it did. I made a baby. Grew him and fed him from my body and now he's almost as tall as me. When it seemed that my miracle baby would be a one-off his amazing brother came along too. So here I am a mother to two boys. The best thing in my life.

This is a moment in time. I realise that. My sons have been the most incredible support to me while this hellish year has been going on. Seeing how kind and thoughtful they can be gives me hope that I am doing better than I think. Of course they also argue and fight and drive me mad, but that is only to be expected, They still make me laugh and hug me if I ask nicely.  Not in public of course - that would be embarrassing.

I will make the most of it while I can and this Sunday it will be just us. Me and these two boys who before I know it will be young men. Taller than their mum and handsome devils the pair of them. Even if I never fall in love with anyone else again I will have these boys by my side.

After all I am their mother.

For the love of my boys

Sunday morning is when I hope that I will get a lie in, but I never do. The boys are always up earlier than I would like and they are often giggling away in their room and asking Alexa to make fart noises. Well they are boys after all. They are completely adorable and affectionate and the source of petty frustrations, annoyances and pretty much all the joy in life. They bring me such happiness and wind me up in equal measure. This morning they climbed into my bed to finish watching the Lego Batman Movie while I drank my tea. I picked up a book that the play therapist gave me last week. One Marble a Day is a book about adoption and long term fostering which goes into the feelings of loss and sadness. We read it together - all three of us.

Blue Bear has been more open and willing to talk to me about adoption in the last year. I haven't pushed him and have let him lead. As a result he is eloquent and thoughtful when talking about family. I speak to the boys about feeling sad. That it is ok to feel that way and we are all here for each other. Some of it must have got through because they have been trying to match make for me. During the Christmas break we bumped into my son's football coach. Brown Bear said he thought I should go out with him. I pointed out that coach is much younger than me and the response was, "you look really young Mum, it's ok." Much as I was flattered I doubt very much that his coach would want to go out with me. Of course there is some self interest in my football loving son wanting me to go out with a sports coach who he likes, but it's also really sweet that the boys are thinking about me. They want me to be happy and they want to find me a boyfriend.

I don't consider myself to be anything special at all. I have tried to live my life from a place of kindness and to do as much as I can for others. This does mean I have been prone to being taken for granted, but it doesn't meant I stop caring about other people. It does also mean, I haven't shown great judgement in the past. The big relationships in my life have been with men who really didn't want to be me with me that much. The appeal of drugs, other women and the rugby was stronger than any desire to be with me.

I have a tendency to try really hard to keep a relationship going - I call it loyalty, but it might be more accurate to call it denial. Dogged determination is fine in a career, but not so much in a relationship where there is an uneven distribution of affection. Early in my life I was told I was selfish and should be more grateful. In adulthood this manifests as a desire to prove I'm not a bad person. I have stayed in relationships even when I was 'invisible' or bullied because I didn't think I deserved any better. I would deduce that it must be something about me that made them like that - even though the behaviour / habit existed before I knew them. The need to be 'good enough' kept me turning up for men who didn't consider being with me to be even in their top ten priorities.

In the beginning it's all lovebombing and romance. Of course that doesn't last forever, but I would hold out for it becoming something like affection. Over time it would become clear that I was an afterthought at best. As the man pulled away from me I would do more and more to prove I was worthy of the scraps of affection I was getting.  I would go to great lengths to ensure that their needs were being met, with little acknowledgement. Of course if I said anything I was ungrateful for not noticing the effort they were making for me. After all I shouldn't have expected anything at all.

I grew used to being 'fitted in' to the spaces between the things that mattered. He would see me late at night after he'd been out with friends - like a guilty secret. If I asked for better I was told I expected too much. We would arrange to do something together, I'd look forward to it and then he would cancel a day or two before - I was expendable. If I said as much he would accuse me of being ungrateful and unappreciative. After all he was making an effort. He was fitting me in when he could. Then the inevitable guilt gifts, money usually. I remember once explaining to someone that the reason his partner was upset with the gift of money was that she didn't want to go for a spendy weekend away with her sister, she wanted to do something with him. Giving money says, "I have better things to do than spend my time with you," or "I'm paying you to leave me alone."

So, back to the search for a boyfriend. Last week my boy asked me who Rob Lowe was. He saw a photo of him on my vision board and I explained that I am setting the bar quite high. A great body, nice to look at, nothing flabby or saggy please. Truthfully though I'll be happy with simplicity. If I do go into another relationship I'd like it to be with someone who loves and appreciates me. Who looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman who walks the earth. Someone who gets my passion for swimming and cinema and strawberries. Someone who will sit with me on the sofa and put their arm around me - who likes to watch movies. Someone I can share a fantastic Indian meal with that I got from my mate Sara. Who makes me tea the way I like it. That's not a lot to ask for really. Well maybe the tea as I am quite particular about that.

My boys want me to be with someone who will love me and care about me. They want me to be happy and not on my own. For my part I'd like someone who will notice me and make time for me. Who wants to be with me and is free to be.

I can wait. I'm in no rush.

The pleasure principle

Today I ate tiramisu.

It was an enormous slice - the last piece our waiter told me, that's why it was so big. It was the perfect blend of coffee, amaretto and cream and tasted amazing. I don't eat dessert. I always used to, but for years now I haven't. I've been too self-conscious or full, or on a budget so I just don't have it. Today, though, I really fancied a dessert. My boys were delighted to see the plate smattered with powdered chocolate and the chocolate straw on the top - Brown Bear snaffled that and it was gone in seconds. I think they are so used to me not ordering anything they just didn't expect it.

Feeding myself isn't a priority really. I make sure there is nice food in the fridge, but I don't always want to eat it. I'm either too tired to cook for myself or I just don't know what I want to eat. I used to think ahead and plan meals - often all day I'd be planning what was for dinner. Now I only eat if I feel like it and often it's whatever needs to be finished rather than something I've been looking forward to. The other evening I made myself a nice dinner. The boys had eaten already and were watching a movie so I went into the kitchen to prepare myself a meal and decided to have something a bit more involved than usual. It was delicious and I felt so much better for having had it. There was also enough left for the next day.

Slowly the fog is lifting. I am actually taking better care of myself. Sleeping, eating, exercising, resting.

It's been quite an emotional period.

Ok that's an understatement of epic proportions, but I don't want to go into it. One day my kids will read this and it's happening in their life too so I don't want to treat it like a soap storyline. It's enough to say that I have cut ties with some folk and have stronger bonds with others. The truth of it is I don't know what is for the best. Where I feel things are negative or difficult I have decided to put space between me and that situation. A few people have been keen to tell me exactly what's wrong with me and while self-reflection can be helpful and ultimately improving, at this point I have been in survival mode for so long I can't respond to anything that feels like an attack. You don't have to actively be a cheerleader for me, but please don't go out of your way to tell me why I'm so terrible. Chances are I already think it anyway.

I sat with the boys one evening and we talked about how we're feeling. It was prompted by some behaviour that had concerned me so I thought we should talk about what might be behind it. When we were done I asked if it was ok and if they would like to do it again another time. They said it was like 'circle time' at school and were happy to make it a thing we do. It's been a long road to get here. Blue Bear hasn't talked about his feelings since I've known him so hearing him say he felt "sad all over" was heartbreaking. It did, however, give me a chance to offer to help him.

Now the door is open to talk about these things with my boys it is a sign that were are finding a way to be open and honest with each other. It's taken a while, but the boys are being truthful about how they feel and I am truly grateful for that. I've been pushed and pulled around for so long that being able to just concentrate on my little family has been a relief. We do what makes us happy. Often that is swimming, eating and watching movies together.

Today we did all of those things and I ate a dessert.

Right now the best of life is in these simple pleasures.

Evolution - not revolution.

I'll refrain from doing all the new year new me stuff and just ask if you're alright. Did you make it ok ? 

I know how difficult it can be to participate in the enforced jollity of the festive season and to be honest I just take myself way from it all now. If it's too much I make my excuses and leave or I just don't attend parties. As I'm about to turn 50 I've finally acknowledged that I just don't do socialising with more than a few people who I already know. I'm no longer putting myself in places that make me uncomfortable. I'm confident enough now to choose not to go the work party, or the 'big do' that I really don't fancy. 

There is always a lot of emphasis on new beginnings in January and again it's pressure to make changes and be new and shiny. To go vegan, give up alcohol, take up running - whatever your particular flavour of "New Year New You" might be. On New Year's Day I saw people go sea swimming en masse, park run was full to the brim with hungover runners and the Nutri bullets were dusted off so that New Year smoothies could be made. I am not a cynical person at heart. If you want to do a new thing I applaud your efforts and will cheer you along. I set myself a goal to run a half marathon and managed it - despite people doubting I could do it. One 'friend' said, " I didn't think you had trained enough so you did well to finish." Thanks mate - don't let the door hit you on the way out. I guess what I am saying is you can choose to make the changes any time and sometimes not putting pressure on yourself to do it on the 1st of January might make it a bit more achievable. 

Resolutions aren't really my thing. I have aspirations, wishes, ambitions, but not resolutions. I don't know what is coming up in the future so I would rather work on my resilience to deal with the twists and turns that might come. I have had a lot of practice now and while I don't feel anything like as bullet proof as people tell me they think I am, it is heartening to know that I can take things in my stride. 

So what does a new decade bring ? Well I think it's worth a bit of a review of what has gone before.

2000s: were all about finding my independence. I had left an unhappy and damaging relationship that had isolated me from my friends and left me depressed and lacking in confidence. Once I was out of that I cut my hair and lost weight. I moved house a bit - travelled for work and eventually bought my own flat. I went to Romania and Sierra Leone with my job and did a lot of public speaking. Meeting lots of different people and visiting pretty much every town and city in England was a mission, but it was amazing and gave me confidence and self belief. 

I did internet dating when it was still like the Wild West out there. The whole of London reminds me of places I have been on dates - none of which went on to become a relationship, but as I had never dated in my younger years it was a lot of learning for me. I worked out where to meet for a first date, what places were best for daytime or evening and where to get a coffee or go for a walk. I learned the hard way that you will know very early on if it's not working and if you have agreed to go for dinner it will be a painful experience unless you go for one course and no coffee. 

2010s: I found out I was having a baby. My miracle boy was much longed for and when his brother came along by adoption my status as Mum was set. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my kids, but it was far from easy. I had no idea how much it would test me to parent these boys and I had to learn how to do the best for them without losing myself in the process. I was home with the boys for a long while so the eventual decision to go back to work has been a big transition and I have had to learn the inevitable 'working mum juggle.' 

This last decade has been about being a parent. Putting my kids first and finding ways to make it all work. I came to parenthood older than a lot of other people I know. If anything it made me more grateful and I have tried so hard for my kids. They are my life and being her for them has been an honour. It has also shown me that I am loyal, passionate and driven to do what is best for my loved ones. 

2020s: Well this is the new big unknown isn't it ? I am now a single parent and this is a whole new challenge for me and my kids. We have made it through our first Christmas and New Year as a family of 3. Our beloved cat died and the boys have shown me they are resilient and brave. They are also very protective of me and it makes me so proud that they are good people. As they grow older we are finding new ways to be a family. It is all about negotiating what we all need in order to be mentally well and happy. 

I know whatever life throws at me I have to roll up my sleeves and get on with it. I have two amazing guys by my side and an entourage of incredible people who love and care for me too. I am learning to ask for what I need and to accept help with gratitude. 

So many people have said, "I hope this year is better for you." I will tell you something though. Everything that has happened has shown me what I can do and who I can be. I may not know what is coming, but whatever it is I'll take it on. 

If I were to make resolutions they would be something like: 

• Say no more often 

• Prioritise my needs

• Trust myself

Love is all you need

At the start of this year I had no idea what would unfold. I had been unwell over Christmas and couldn't eat properly or drink alcohol. I had fallen ill immediately that my Mum had the all clear from the oncologist and I came home, fed by husband and kids and then went to bed. No one checked on me or brought me as much as a glass of water. It wasn't ideal.

I knew that things weren't right and had been blaming myself for being so preoccupied and absent with Mum's cancer diagnosis and treatment and prior to that my return to full time work that meant I barely saw my boys. At the beginning of last year a wonderful friend of mine had died unexpectedly and that had been such a shock so all in all the year was pretty full on.

Little did I know that 2019 would knock the stuffing out of the previous 12 months. Fairly early into the year I became a single parent and it was messy and ugly and stressful beyond belief. All the fears I had about struggling for money and managing on my own came to fruition at once. I have no idea how, but I kept working full time and tried desperately to make more time with my boys rather than less. I took them on the holiday that was already booked and my Mum came with us. I cried almost the whole time and she took care of me like she had when I was a kid. It felt so unfair to be asking anything of her when she had been through radiotherapy and the stress of cancer. What it made me realise though, was that being a Mum doesn't stop. You want to make things better for your kids and if you can't it breaks you. Mum made me food, she made sure I went to bed and rested and she kept the boys busy so I could go for a walk or just have a break.

Beach Days 

The stress did still show through though. I had a car crash which wrote off the car. That was disappointing as we hadn't had the car long, but to be honest it wasn't economical to run and I made it out unharmed so that was ok. I just feel incredibly stupid for doing it. For losing concentration and causing an accident. In hindsight it's a wonder I didn't do more damage. My mind was like a bag of spaghetti for so long and I am fortunate to have some lovely people in my life who help me unravel it when I am at my most 'squiggly.'

I also learned who the people are who care and who I can lean on. It was a hard lesson and I was quite surprised when I realised that some people just weren't going to be around any more. I let go of more than one person who I had been holding onto out of loyalty. It hurt like hell to realise that they weren't going to make it, but then I have always struggled to throw stuff away. When I asked someone who meant the world to me if they would still be in my life they said, "You need to get on with your life without seeing me." It felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had no idea what I had done to deserve such rejection, but I accepted it - I had to.

It wasn't all unrelenting doom though - we had some adventures and highlights this year that are worth a mention.

In the Summer me and the boys went to watch Dick and Dom at the Eden Project - it was fantastic.

The Edge of The Sea 

I went to a music festival on my own in Brighton and loved it. I've been going to the Edge of the Sea for years, but this time I was there by myself. I've already got my ticket for 2020.

I swam in the sea in Cornwall more than once - that was exhilarating and I hope to do more of it.

My boys decided they want to visit Australia - well actually they want to visit Auntie Hannah and Uncle Greg who they met in the Summer and immediately took a shine to. I have to start saving up !!

We just had our first Christmas as a family of 3. It was lots of fun and I did what I could to keep the emotions at bay, but it did catch up with me. I have been a wreck all day.

After everything that has happened I am thankful for the kindness of those who love me. I am grateful that we are in our home, that the boys are safe and well and that we are together.

I couldn't ask for more.

Pride: in the name of love

Growing up in a house that was mostly girls I had no idea how I would cope with being a Mum to boys. I am well and truly outnumbered - even the cat is male. However, there are so many highlights (and idiosyncrasies) about my little family and I thought I'd share some of them. 

Brown Bear helps his baby brother get ready for school 

I am used to random dinosaurs supervising toothbrushing 

We spend a lot of time outdoors - a lot ! 

Some of the time we watch a movie outside - something Mummy loves too. 

We laugh a lot together 

Blue Bear loves nature and animals - he offers to help me with the gardening

I get the loveliest gifts from my boys 

At times there is no room for me in my own bed 

It's nice to get some time to myself 

The best times are with these boys  

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

I've lived in London all of my life - with the exception of the 4 years I lived in the Midlands whilst at University. In that time we've experienced the tyranny of the National Front marching past our home in South London, the murders of people for being gay or black or asian and for many decades the mindless violence of bombings in the name of the IRA. I was in Camden on a Saturday when they called in a bomb threat to the police and the crowd I was in was directed the wrong way into the path of the potential explosion. Thankfully it was not detonated.

A young woman I met while at Warwick University - who was from Leicester - told me that her parents had warned her against visiting London in case of bombs and I recall talking to a friend from Nothern Ireland who recalled seeing news stories about how violent and unsafe London when I had seen the same about his home town. I don't remember ever feeling unsafe though.

In recent years we have experienced mass violence with attacks on cities and public transport. I was travelling to Ireland on Sept 12th 2001 and it took over 2 hours to check in at Stansted Airport. Security had been stepped up overnight and the world of air travel changed forever. On the day of the London attacks in 2005 Hubbie was travelling to work and he was so delayed that he called me and we spoke as he stood at Vauxhall bus station unclear why nothing was running. I watched the news and relayed the story that is was due to electrical outages until it became clear that this was a serious act of terrorism and not a widespread electrical fault.

When the Westminster attacks took place my friend was locked down at work and unable to leave. We communicated by text messages - thankfully phones were still working. We joked about me sending her a delivery pizza in case she was kept overnight. It kept at bay my fear that she had been forgotten in the building and when she told me she was going home I was so relieved and went to bed knowing she was safe.

I'm a parent now and I do think about what this means to my children. I used to listen to the radio in the car, but the other day my older son said, "Mummy we don't want to hear about killing." It's become such a regular feature on the radio that I had forgotten to change over before the news bulletin started. Of course I don't want to censor the truth, but my children are very young and I will decide how to talk to them about violence, terrorism and the harm that evil people do.

At one point I did talk to Hubbie about moving away and keeping our boys away from harm, but I am not entirely sure that is possible. This is the world we live in right now. I talked to my boys the other day about how it's my job to keep them safe. That instead of going to work in an office I see that as my job and I take it very seriously. We have had a tough half term with a lot of bickering and fighting and at times I've really struggled to keep myself together and haven't always been as kind as I would like.

We took the boys to London on Monday for a special half term day out. We took the train to London Bridge station and walked along the South Bank after lunch. In our early courting days we used to go out regularly to the Market Porter pub and used to take part in a pub quiz at the Southwark Arms with friends on a weekly basis. We even won a few times. Watching the news stories and grainy phone footage about the attacks on Saturday evening me and Hubbie talked about how unsettling it is when somewhere you know so well is the scene of such devastation.

Everyone told me that parenting would be tiring and there would be tantrums and laughter and it would be a bit disgusting at times. No one told me how terrifying it would be. That fear you have that something could happen to your babies that is entirely out of your control. That cold feeling that makes you want to wrap them up in cotton wool and never let them leave your side ever again. What I have to remember is that I have lived with this all my life. I just wish my boys didn't have to.

Happy birthday to me - and Siouxie Sioux

I've had a birthday - not a big one so nothing too fancy, but a birthday nonetheless. I went from having no plans a week before the day to being fully booked which was a nice surprise. I met friends for dim sum in London and then went for dinner with Hubbie in the evening. Thanks to our lovely neighbour offering to babysit we were able to go out for a drink and a really nice meal together - not something we get to do that often so it was a bit of a treat.

My boys (including Neo) gave me some lovely cards and gifts:

As it was a special dinner I had some champagne and Hubbie had a virgin mojito:

I'm not a food blogger, but I was inspired to share what we ate as it was so beautifully presented:

Here's to my birthday twin and style icon Siouxie Sioux - can you see the resemblance ?

Normal service will resume shortly, but for this weekend I'm being a bit self-indulgent. Please bear with me.

My funny Valentines

I realise that not everyone is big on Valentine's Day and it's a bit overblown with adverts for a diamante encrusted pedi roller that was described thus, "Give the gift of beautiful feet for valentine's day." In the midst of such idiocy how do you salvage something even vaguely dignified ? Well, when we were first together we did give soft toys, sick-making cards and Hubbie would make amazing meals for me that involved fancy ingredients like rose water. Now we are an old married couple (ten years this year thanks for asking) with children we have to be practical about such frivolity.

As I had planned to go and have my hair done and go for lunch with my lovely friend SJ I mentioned to Hubbie that if he wanted to get the hairdressers for me that would be a much appreciated valentine's gift. He duly obliged and I bought us tickets to see Stewart Lee next month. Everyone's happy and not a Cupid's bow in sight.

We had a cursory discussion about what we we each wanted to do this year. Go out for an overpriced set meal ? No thanks. Make a meal at home ? Yeah, but nothing too fancy. Hubbie mentioned that M&S were doing their meal deal offer again so we decided that was the way to go. I popped into town on Friday after dropping Big Boy at school and Baby Boy at nursery and chose a meal that he would love even though I can't eat it. Then I had a brainwave - well it's for 2 so why not invite lovely Jill from next door. After all she's practically family and she loves Beef Wellington too so everyone is happy.

Then this morning the boys surprised me with not one, but three bunches of beautiful flowers - one from each of them. We also got some flowers for Jill and a card from the boys so she wouldn't be left out. The boys gave them to her as they were washing the car for me (inside and out). It did mean they were all soaking wet, but as we were going swimming this afternoon that wasn't so bad. The car is all shiny now - ready to get wrecked during half term.

This evening as we were putting the boys to bed I was checking facebook and saw an announcment that my lovely friend Carol has become engaged to her partner David. Wonderful news and I haven't been to a wedding in yonks so I'm delighted to have an excuse to dress up.

For the first time this year we had a relaxing weekend with no parties to go to and nowhere else to be. It was great to take things at our own pace and to spend time with the boys. With half term coming up I want to give them a chance to have a rest after working so hard at school and nursery. Today was a good start.

The best thing of all was that I got to spend the day with the boys I love most in all the world.

The highlights of my holiday now I'm a Mum.

We're back from our holiday and had a lovely time. Being away with two boys under 5 has been a lot of fun and lot of work and I'll share some of the adventures we had in a later post, but for now here are a few highlights of what being on holiday means for me these days:

Taking a walk in the evening and bumping into an alpaca:

Drinking wine in the evening - outdoors :)

Visiting the Eden Project - which the kids have absolutely no interest in, but I love.

And finally coming home to snuggles with this guy:

I think I've got the terrible twos

The day started with me literally crying over spilled milk - it's a boring story so I won't go into it. Most days begin with some minor drama these days and often tears - mine.

The other day I was cried while swimming

Another day I burst into tears parking the car at Waitrose

Then there were tears while I was waiting for Hubbie to get home from work and relieve me from childcare

I've told a few people that I think I'm having a breakdown and they either nod or change the topic. I'm not sure if they think I'm joking or if it is just to difficult to respond to that kind of honesty.

This is not what I expected.

When we spent all those years wishing and wanting to have a child and then he came along and it was just amazing, but hard work. Then we tried for another and the road was longer and even harder than before, but here we are parents to two amazing and beautiful boys. I posted status updates with those sappy comments about how hard it would be, but worth it.

So why doesn't this feel better ? Why does it feel like I'm going into battle every single day ? I love my children and my every waking thought is about keeping them safe and making them happy. Yet, I look forward to packing my older boy off to school and count the minutes until the baby is down for his nap so I can just have some time not being shouted at or having my hair pulled or asking, "what did you do to make your brother cry ?" My normal volume these days is always 'shouty Mummy.'

Frankly I don't think I'm cut out for this. I keep reminding myself what other Mums tell me and hold onto the pearls of wisdom they've gained from being where I am right now.

"There will be shouting, a lot of it." - Yasmin, mum to 2 boys

"You have 2 children under 5, you are doing a great job." - Shirley mum to 2 grown up boys 

"Boys are like dogs, you need to run them around every day or they will tear your house up." - Christine, mother of 2 grown up boys 

"When they grow up they have fewer problems, but the problems are bigger." - Martin, father to 2 grown up boys 

Then tonight before I taught yoga I sat with big boy and we 'played lego' then he asked if we could watch 'the internet is made of cats' - google it, honestly you won't be sorry. We laughed and played together and it made me believe - just for a moment - that I might just be doing something right.

I'm working on having more 'lego and internet cats' moments and fewer of the 'spilled milk' ones.

Wish me luck :) 

When my boys tire of London... well that's unlikely to happen.

We love days out in London and are so lucky that we live a short train ride from the centre. When we fancy going it's not too much of a hassle to get there, but it's still a big treat. Deciding on what we'd do with an entire weekend in London was a process of elimination as there is so much we would want to do.

First up is always the Transport Museum in Covent Garden. My boys love it here and it doesn't matter how often we go it's well worth being 'friends of' as we certainly make use of the free entry a lot. Bigger boy loves doing the trail around the museum and punching the card with all the different modes of transport through the ages. It's the driving that he is most keen on though. We've been coming here since he was very young and driving a bus or a tube train has always been his favourite activity - not least as he's now tall enough to actually reach the controls.

There are so many lovely places to eat in Covent Garden that we would be spoilt for choice for lunch, but we particularly love Joe Allen which is hidden away underground and is very child friendly. I'm told you often spot actors in there too.

In the afternoon we'd go for a walk along the South Bank and if we had time we'd have to go on the London Eye. This is my favourite thing to do in London and it's pretty spectacular how far you can see on a clear day from the top of the Eye. We've been on it a few times, but it's always worth a visit. There is a ticket option that includes a boat trip and that is really great fun. Travelling by boat on the Thames is so underrated, but we love it. If you get a guided tour it's fascinating what you can learn and you can even take a trip that goes through the Thames Barrier. That was a big deal when I was growing up and we went on school trips to see it and learn how it had been built. I guess it's less impressive these days.

So, in the evening we'd have dinner at Behinhana. It's so entertaining watching the chefs prepare the food at your table and great fun for kids and adults alike. We had a wonderful time when we went and would heartily recommend it for special occasions too.

As we'd be staying in Kensington we'd have to have brunch at a venue which is opposite the Royal Garden Hotel. Giraffe have a wonderful quirky menu and are completely geared towards families with children. They have balloons for all visitors and giraffe shaped stirrers in the kiddy cocktails. The pancake stack is amazing and they even have fresh fruit and salads if you prefer to eat a healthy option.

Due to the location we'd spend the morning at the museums on Exhibiton Road. It is difficult to decide between the Science Museum or the Natural History Museum so we usually do both. We could happily spend a whole day in just one of them, but usually choose one floor of the Science Museum to keep it manageable. I personally love the V&A and would love to take my boys to see the Mughal art and fabrics as well as the Indian textiles and designs when they are older. I suspect they will still prefer the dinosaurs and science.

If we had the chance to stop and eat I'd take the boys for a picnic outdoors as the Royal parks in London are so beautiful and spacious. If the weather was nice we could walk around and watch people rollerblading, practising tai chi or dog walking. I'd check if it was ok to feed the birds and take some feed for the boys to give them too.

There is so much more we could do such as take a Big Bus Tour, or visit Kensington Roof Gardens or go on the Duck Bus. I have to stop thinking about it as the more I do the more ideas I have. Clearly a weekend would be just the beginning of our adventures :)

This post is an entry to win a five star weekend in London with @tots100 and @royalgdnhotel #rghfamilies.