From boys to... not quite men, but working on it.

When I think about my parenting I'm not proud of myself - I think only of the times I have shouted at my kids, the arguments we've had, the seemingly never ending stream of, "don't do that," "no !" "stop it !" and "leave your brother alone." Then I catch sight of one of my boys. I saw Blue Bear putting on his shoes and thought, "when did he learn to do that ?" I forgot all the times I sat with him and put his shoes on or showed him how to put them on. This evening I went to see how Brown Bear was getting on with his homework and he asked me how to do the maths puzzles so I told him to look for the pattern and he said, "Ok, I've got it now." I came back a few minutes later and he was racing through them. He did indeed have it.

I've been cooking with the boys recently - Blue Bear and I made pastries and I said "let's brush them with milk," and he said, "I'll do it Mummy." I watched as he carefully and precisely brushed milk over them and could not believe this was my baby boy. Brown Bear is really keen to apply for junior bake off so I agreed to help him practise. He has spent a lot of time designing a showstopper cake, so I thought I'd get him started with a family favourite. We baked some banana bread and he followed the recipe from my notebook, measured the ingredients with me using digital scales, mixed the batter using an electric hand whisk and timed the cooking. He was very happy with the cake, but insisted that next time he bakes will do it all himself. I think he will too !

In the last few days the Guardian ran a piece by a man explaining how he feels that his work as a stay at home parent is undervalued compared with paid work outside the home. This was greeted with a national chorus of "well duh !" from women (and men). Way to go there Guardian, some epic mansplaining and complete disregard for what women have been saying for, oh I dunno, decades ? I feel devalued as a person because my worth in financial terms is non-existent. I can show you my children, my home, my writing, but I can't show you any pay for those 'jobs' and I don't have any references. The joint decision we made that I would take care of our children and Hubbie would work did not include an agreement to become invisible and irrelevant. So, yes, women's work is devalued and let's be honest parenting is still seen as 'women's work.'

On the toughest days I tell Hubbie that he should stay at home and I can go to work again. He can be the one who acts as referee, cook, butler, party planner, tutor, playmate and occasional furniture. I can be the one who gets to talk to adults, read my ipad on the train, make small talk with people in shops, take a phone call without being interrupted by a small child needing something urgently (a wooden train, a drink of water, the answer to why is the cat white ?). My friend Yasmin told me today she has the same conversation with her husband and then she said something that I've heard so many times before, but today I really felt it. "What we're doing is so important. This matters."

This morning we all went on the school run. The boys on their scooters, Hubbie on his bike and me on foot. It was Blue Bear's first day and Brown Bear was so proud to take his little brother to school. We took the obligatory photo before we left - not in front of the door though, I don't do that cliche - then made our way up the hill. As the boys scootered off into the woods Hubbie said to me, "Well done. You did it, you got them here." The boys parked their scooters next to each other outside the school office and Brown Bear held his brother's hand to walk him to the nursery gate. I swelled with pride - then took a deep sigh of relief.

Tonight as I put Brown Bear to bed he asked me to sit on his bed so he could read me a story called "I love my mummy because..." and looked at me after each page, "...she gives me hugs... she is beautiful... she holds my hand, etc." We hugged each other and I said, "I loved that story baby, thank you."

No, I don't get paid. There's no Christmas party, or secret Santa. My reward is seeing my boys grow up. To watch them become the amazing young men I know they will be. I can live with that.

Playschool was never like this

Outdoor fun

In September my boy will be going to 'big school' and it is a big deal. We take a lot of time to choose schools and it is a big thing in a child's life. We will shop for uniform and shoes and he has been to meet his teachers and class mates. When we take so much care about choosing and preparing for school why is it that we don't take nursery quite as seriously ? After all it is the first experience most children will have of being cared for and learning in a new environment.

When my son not much more than a year old I went back to work and he was taken care of by my sister who is a nanny. It was paid work and she undertook it with the professionalism you would expect, but also with a love for her nephew that made it all the more reassuring to me that he was well cared for. The decision to leave work soon after was not a simple one, but it was never because I worried that he wasn't being cared for.

I was employed in a new role a few months later and the pressure to go full time meant I was looking for childcare again. My sister was not available to do the full time role and I accepted that I needed to look for nursery provision for my boy. The difficulty in this, however, was something I just wasn't prepared for. We made some mistakes that I'm going to share so that you don't do the same:

Mistake number one: We didn't shop around 

As we went to Gymboree I talked to other mums who were going back to work and who had their children in nurseries and I took a recommendation from one of them. She told me about a Montessori nursery that she rated very highly. I didn't know much about nursery, but knew enough to decide that Montessori was the was to go for us. I went to look at the one she recommended and it seemed nice enough. I didn't look at any others. I have since realised that the principles of Montessori are adopted by a lot of nurseries even if they do not specify that they are a Montessori nursery.

Mistake number two: We didn't realise that if your child seems unhappy you don't have to leave them there, you can stay. 

I talked to the owner of the nursery who was very laid back and we agreed that my son would have a trial and see how he got on. He was still not even 18 months and I was worried he would be upset, but they assured me he would be fine. I left him with them for a little while. He cried. I went outside to the car and I cried. I came back. They told me he was fine, but he looked unhappy. If I had known better I'd have asked to stay with him and play the first time and try leaving him for a short while the next time.

Mistake number three - I didn't trust or listen to my instincts 

The staff did not give me a settling in plan or any suggestions for how to make his settling in any easier. I took him again the following week and he was upset again and they told me to leave him and that he'd be fine. He wasn't. I wasn't. I talked to the nursery manager who essentially told me off for suggesting my son wasn't settling in and said he didn't need my business and if I was unhappy I could go elsewhere. A good nursery will give you a clear settling in plan and guide you on how best to help your child make a happy transition. They won't insult or humiliate you for being overly protective of your child.

Mistake number four - I was fobbed off when I asked to see nursery policies and I didn't insist on seeing them. 

The final time I took my son to nursery he seemed a bit better, but when I returned he was in a vest on the floor with the door wide open. When I asked why they said he didn't have a shirt only a jumper in his bag. I asked why they didn't put his jumper on him and they looked blank. When they told me he had taken a nap on the floor as they didn't have enough cots and only children who came every day could have a cot I left and knew we wouldn't be back again. When we came for the first look round they had shown me cots for sleeping, nothing was said about a hierarchy of sleeping that included the floor.

Mistake number five - We didn't report what we experienced 

This week there was a news story about Ofsted inspections of nurseries in Croydon that suggests nursery provision in our area just doesn't make the grade. The nursery I took my boy to was judged inadequate and;

"was censured in March, not because there had been an incident, serious or otherwise, but because staff could not demonstrate they understood safeguarding and welfare requirements."

I feel vindicated in my decision to not take him back there. I had tried to find an Ofsted report for the nursery at the time, but it was not available and I didn't know who to tell. I decided that staying home with my son was more important for his welfare and my sanity until he and I were ready for him to go to a pre-school or nursery setting a few months later.  

I don't do messy play at home

This experience informed the process when we looked for the nursery where he has been very happy for 2 years now. Me and Hubbie visited at least half a dozen nurseries and while they were nice we considered all the pros and cons. We wanted somewhere that had outdoor space, friendly children and staff and written policies. The one we chose is not the closest to us, but he has blossomed there and I trust the staff with my precious child. The staff are never to busy to talk to me about my concerns, they advised on how to help him to use the toilet instead of nappies and they have supported me when his behaviour has been difficult at home. It has been a great choice for us. 

Not all parents can or want to stay at home and take care of small children. We rely on others to help us with our beloved babies and trust that they are doing a good job. Of course there will be days when things go wrong. I have signed the accident book so many times it's not even funny. I've had to pick him up as he has had a temperature and I have been mortified when they have told me he has hit another child or said a rude word *whistles innocently*

He has also been on trips where they have taken the bus and walked to the park to feed the ducks. They have sports sessions, play outside, draw and paint, play with sand and bake cookies. He plays nicely with the younger children and has tried foods that I don't make at home. He gets invited to his friends' birthday parties and he has a different 'best friend' every week. 

It might not be for everyone, but nursery has been great for me and for my boy. His happiness and his safety are important to me. 

It's not too much to ask that those things are a priority for the staff caring for him too. 

Learning through play

Let's stop celebrating stupidity, please.

Anyone who didn't predict that my post about grammar and punctuation was leading up to a big rant about education must be new here. If you are new, welcome, make a brew, pull up a chair and thank you for coming :o)

That post was partly meant to be tongue in cheek, but was only really warming up for the real issue. It's something I'm uncharitably referring to as the celebration of stupidity that we seem to have come to accept as normal. There was a time when being daft was considered charming. In his stand up routine Eddie Izzard used to complain that he was 'thinly read.' Chris Rock mocked the simpletons who boasted that they "didn't know shit." Bill Hicks had an attitude that reviled the stupid and unquestioning and encouraged freedom of thought (and a liberal approach to drugs that I didn't strictly agree with).

We appear to have moved far away from that approach now and it is not only acceptable to boast about being stupid, but it is also revered by reality TV shows to know very little. As though it's charming and somehow cutesy rather than pathetic to have no general knowledge whatsoever. When questioned further these were the kids at school who used to say smart things like "I speak English, why do I need to learn it ?" I suspect these are the same genii who don't see the point of English literature or algebra because, "when am I gonna need that in real life ?" Well in your case probably never if I'm honest, but that may be more self-fulfilling prophecy than anything else.

I didn't go to a private or even particularly good school. Most of my teachers were borderline illiterate, one was a suspected paedophile and at one point there were some pretty racist ones. I learned in spite of them, rather than because of them. School didn't teach me to swim, to cross the road, cook food or how to drive but I can do all of these things. I didn't expect my school to do everything for me and frankly if you care about something that much you'll probably find a way to do it.

I'm not making a judgement about people who missed out on schooling or who have struggled with learning. I mean those who use more words than they need to try and sound clever, but whose vocabulary is still smaller than my 2 year old's. The kind who bullied the bookish kids at school for being too interested in learning. So my question now is why are we still apologising for knowing how to spell, or caring about grammar and punctuation ? Being picked on for being a 'spod' (please insert age appropriate equivalent insult here instead as you wish) must be out of fashion by now surely ?

Didn't we just spend 2012 cheering along sporting achievement ? It wasn't a celebration of 'the kids who didn't have a running track at school so never go to be good at sport so it's not their fault' did we ? Or did I miss the celebration of stupid Olympics ? Where you get a medal for the 'unspelling bee' or the Nobel prize for 'not knowing your times tables 'cos what's the point ?'

Before we rush to blame our adult underachievement on the education system let's remember that Caitlin Moran didn't go to school at all. She went to her local library and read lots of books. When she decided to become a writer she realised pretty early on that you have to read in order to write well. It meant enough to her to learn to do it well despite having no formal learning at all.

So here is the message:

It's ok to be smart.

It's ok to aspire to something better than winning a TV show

It's ok to know stuff (and comes in handy at pub quizzes).