My little boy blue

Blue Bear has started at Brown Bear's school. He is in the nursery and his brother is in year 2. He already knows some of his classmates who also have siblings in the school and the teachers are also familiar. On the first day the boys rode their scooters to school and parked them next to each other in the stand outside the school office. Brown Bear took his brother's hand and walked him to the nursery gate. Blue Bear walked off without even saying bye. It was about the best first day I could have imagined.

I can't believe that he's old enough for school already. That he walks in and hangs up his book bag on a peg with his name and photo on it. He can get a cup of water and knows where to put the dirty cups after having a drink. That he eats lunch at school - even if he never remembers what he ate - and is big enough to choose what he wants and to feed himself. At hometime he comes out and asks for his scooter and a snack and races his friend round the quad while we wait for his brother to come out of class.

My helpful little boy 

This little boy who was nervous, emotional, almost wordless and struggled to sleep has transformed before our eyes. Blue Bear is a teenager in tiny form. He is not an early riser so while Brown Bear is awake at dawn and wide awake and 'on' from the minute his eyes open Blue Bear is a "don't talk to me before I've had a black coffee" kind of guy. I often go in to wake him up and he rolls over and says he wants to stay in bed. After school Brown Bear is tired and winding down from his day and Blue Bear is just warming up and at maximum cheekiness. One of them wants to sit quietly and relax after school and the other is prodding his brother to elicit and reaction.

On the one day he doesn't go into school I take Blue Bear out to do fun things with me and the other day we invited his little friend to join us. Her mum said they couldn't do it that day, so I asked if she would like a face to face video chat instead. I can honestly say watching two 3 year olds video chatting is the cutest thing ever. They were just adorable and I found myself marvelling at his social and conversational skills. Later in the week the two of them were eating popcorn and watching a DVD together at our house and making small talk. He was so kind and thoughtful and when she left to go home he gave her a cuddle and thanked her mum for bringing her over. He did sit on her brother first though.

I watch my little boy these days and I see his personality emerging. Now he's coming out of the shadow of his big brother I see a funny, caring, clever boy. Ok I would say that - I am his mum after all. It warms my heart and makes me feel that we're getting something right.

I hope he feels the same way.

Mother's pride

Every Friday you ask me to attend the celebration assembly at school and every week I dutifully turn up and try to catch your attention so you can see me there and when you do, the smile and wave I get it so worth it.

So I join in with the hymn and sing happy birthday to those celebrating and smile as all the teachers hand out certificates to their favourites. Each week I sit there and think about all the wonderful things you have done this week and hope it's your turn.

I think about how the other morning you saw a younger boy crying in the playground before school and went over to see if he was ok. I then watched you take Billy over to play a game to cheer him up.

I remember that day when a new child started and he was upset about his dad leaving him and you invited him over to join you and your friends to play football and showed him the ropes as the new kid.

I was there when you handed in your precious picture for the Christmas competition having taken time to carefully design it and thinking about all the detail and colours you used.

I know that when we talked about giving toys to children who had none you wanted to give even more than I had expected as you wanted to make sure other children would get to have something nice for Christmas.

I've seen you gently stroke Neo and keeping him company when the fireworks were frightening him and you read him a story to help keep calm.

I swelled with pride when you were struggling during the park run on a freezing cold morning, but you kept going and I watched your face break into a huge smile when you made it over the finish line.

So you see when they call out another child's name and I see your shoulders fall in disappointment I am right there with you. I am smiling, but I'm feeling sad for you too. It makes sense that you are wondering why it isn't you. I think the same. Still we put on our best smiles and are happy for those who get the praise that you don't get. I've applauded when other children get recognition for:

Swimming a width of the pool - when we both know you can now swim a length without help and on both your front and back (that took a lot of work)

Taking another child under their wing - when I know you've made time for other children to help them feel welcome or to cheer them up

Writing a whole page - when you write pages and pages of news and stories and lovely notes - in your best writing

Being kind - when I have seen how much it took for you to share your home and family with Blue Bear and now you are fiercely loyal to him as he is to you

We will always smile and be happy for others and applaud their achievements. I will be there to give you a big hug afterwards and bring a snack for the ride home.

You see I do know all these wonderful things you do. I remember every little thing you do that makes me proud and I tell you. Just because it's not in front of the school doesn't make you any less than a kind, caring, loving, bright, boy who does his best.

You and me kid - we know.

Brown Bear's school days

The other day I was doing my usual scan of the bedrooms for errant washing before I put on the machine and I spotted that Brown Bear had forgotten his long trousers for forest school. I sent an email to Mr D (his teacher) to ask if I should drop them off at the office and I received an email back from Brown Bear himself. While he was at school. My five year old who we were told is a delight to teach (by his technology teacher - he loves technology of course) is now tech savvy enough to email me. I am torn between being inordinately proud and a little saddened that he will in future only talk to me via text or email - well that may be a way off, but you know what I mean.

It is a sign for me that his schooling here is just right and what we had hoped for him. Before he started I spoke to some parents whose children had been or still are pupils at the school. Every last one of them told me the same thing, "it's like a family." I wasn't entirely sure what that meant. As time has gone on I think I do now.

Families take care of each other: I've seen children run over to help when someone is hurt or crying in the playground. I know in my school they would have laughed. Older children are kind and caring to the younger ones and I have seen my boy take great pride in knowing older children in the school.

Families share our joy with us: when we knew that the adoption was going ahead we spoke to the staff at the school. They could not have been happier for us. Each step of the way we were supported. Whenever I saw the deputy head she asked how it was going and when we had good news she was genuinely delighted and hugged us.

Families keep giving us chances: I was convinced at one point that Brown Bear would be thrown out of the school. At the age of 4. Oh the shame ! Each day I would hang back when collecting him from nursery fearing that Ms W (nursery teacher) would have a list of misdemeanors from the day and often I was right. When I was talking to Mrs F (the deputy head) and told her my fears she gently said that it was not going to happen. That each day was a fresh start and they wanted to prepare him for the next year at school as best they could.

Families accept us at our worst: Nursery was a tough time for all of us. Brown Bear took time to settle and missed his old friends and often told Ms W that he didn't want to be there. She took it all in her stride and kept on supporting us to help him settle in. Then only one term in we found out that we would have a new family member and it threw us all into a tailspin.

Families carry us when we find it all too much: I have cried a lot. On the mums, in the nursery classroom and in the deputy head's office. The mums helped me to feel better about my worries about my son. Ms W reminded me that the adoption was a huge amount of emotional stuff to deal and it was understandable we would all find it difficult. Mrs F reassured me that of course they weren't going to ask Brown Bear to leave the school. I know, I really did think that !

In families we push each other and are a bit competitive: I was convinced that Ms W was being far too tough on my baby boy. I thought she disliked him. Then Mrs F spoke to me (as I sat crying in her office) and explained that if she didn't think he was capable of more she wouldn't be on him as much. It was her belief in my boy that made her expect more of him. I had never even though of that.

Families bring out the best in us: Brown Bear has flourished. His use of language, his table manners, his ability to write and read. He sets himself goals now. When he wanted a real tie for school, instead of one on elastic, Mr D said he would need to be able to do it himself. So Brown Bear learned and developed an obsession with ties as a result. When he asked to wear shoes with laces I said he would have to do them up  himself as the teacher couldn't be doing up his shoes for him. So he has learned and now does up Blue Bear's shoes for him.

You see I never worried about his academic potential. I honestly thought that he'd get the basics in any school. I was more concerned about the social education. The capacity to collaborate, take risks, share and care for others. The school values that they learn from the start are: Be Kind, Be Safe, Do Your Best. We have adopted these in our home too.

Now he is sending me email and writing his own instructions for lego models. He uses brylcreem and inspects his image in the mirror many times a day. He sits across from me at the table and asks, "How was your day Mummy ?" and sometimes he will negotiate so effectively that I cannot believe I have given in to a 5 year old. Again. Then there are the acts of kindness. At the weekend we saw a man sitting on the ground holding a sign that read, 'please help me.'
Brown Bear: Mummy can we help that man ?
Me: Of course - what would you like to do ?
BB: Can we give him some money ?
Me: I think that would be kind.

Now I understand why the school is like a family. I owe Ms W, Mrs F (now Mrs B) and Mr D a debt of gratitude for their kindness toward my son and to me. There are so many others to thank including: Mrs V (the TA) Mrs J (in the school office) and the other Mrs J (swimming teacher) who have helped in so many ways.

When it's time for Blue Bear to go to the school I can feel confident that he will be received into a family that already cares for him as they do his brother.

The joys of catnapping and shopping alone

On Monday both boys were at home with me - I can't talk about it, it's still too raw in my mind. I will tell you when I can do it without either bursting into tears or gritting my teeth. Anyway, my point is that it's been a transition week with Baby Boy starting at pre-school and me getting some kid-free time.

Before that could happen though we had the midway point where I had Big Boy at home with me so we dropped Baby Boy off at pre-school then went to get a few things in town. I had intended to get the boys pyjamas in the sales then we spotted this gorgeous dressing gown for my delicious nephew. Ok I know a 3 month old doesn't strictly need one (even less so the adorable pockets) but look at those fluffy ears !!

Then came the magic day - the first day of freedom. Both boys were in school and I had the morning to myself. How did I spend it ? I went to Ikea of course - to get a replacement back board for a drawer that broke months ago and if I waited for Hubbie to fix it the boys will have left home, so I thought I'd better get it done myself. I was a bit early so I went to the shops first and - now word of a lie - spotted these: 

After pre-school Baby Boy is always ravenous so I picked up some hot food for him and he found some quavers he'd half eaten previously. It appears that quavers dipped in ketchup are a culinary delight - I know I know I'm no Annabel Karmel am I ? 

Then this afternoon I got a lie down on the sofa while Baby Boy slept and Neo joined me. It reminded me of when I was pregnant and the cat used to lie on my big belly - until the baby started to kick him that is. It came as such a shock and he would look really perturbed. Now he just has to contend with me getting up to refresh my cup of tea.

Big picture, we both get the house back for a few hours a day.

I might get the hang of this yet.

Back to school, Park life and Cat napping: my week in photos.

On Sunday mornings I go swimming with some friends and last week the lady who gives me a lift to the pool gave me a gift of some tomatoes that her husband had grown. They were still a bit green so I put them on the window sill and now they are gorgeous and ripe. I can't wait to try these.

As it was the last few days before Big Boy went to reception I decided to take the boys out for some park fun. They both wanted to take their own transport and I followed on foot. It did help tire them out though so that was great. 

Baby Boy was delighted when he spotted this enormous "oof oof" in the window of a shop near the park. He does love dogs, but I think this might be a bit on the big side for home.

Once Big Boy had gone to school me and Baby Boy went to feed the ducks. There is a lady who goes every day and we love to talk to her. She offered some bread for the ducks to Baby Boy and he was about to eat it when I showed him how to give it to the birds. It really is a lovely spot. 

Being at school is tiring Big Boy out, so he needs to get his sleep. The new bedtime routine includes summoning Neo to lie with him. It is very sweet, but I have noticed that Neo is taking up more and more room. Give a cat an inch ...

Where on earth did he learn to do that ?

As many parents are traumatised by their little darlings starting reception this week I feel I may have taken a lackadaisical approach to Big Boy's impending launch into full time school life. To be fair he has been at the nursery for one year and we had all the 'starting big school' drama last summer. 

He has a fab teacher this year and I hope he will be happy. I am relieved we went through all the teething issues of starting school last year as I don't think I could have coped with them now we also have Baby Boy starting pre-school settling in days this week. 

Both my boys are pretty sociable and respond well to play and learning settings. They can find things to do and will engage in imaginative play as well as interact with other children which is wonderful to see and hear about. 

What I cannot get my head round is some of the strange capabilities Big Boy seems to have.

Yesterday at football he managed to persuade Daddy to give him some money then proceeded to 'buy' a bag of crisps for 20p at the shop using what I can only imagine were wiles or menaces ! 

He's clearly destined for a life of crime or a place on the Apprentice with those negotiating skills ! 

When we were on holiday at Coombe Mill I spotted a bite mark on Baby Boy's arm and asked Big Boy if he knew how it happened. He said he'd seen the whole thing and a donkey had bitten his brother. I said that was odd as the bite marks were too small for a donkey and he said, "Oh no it wasn't a donkey, it was a chicken." When I pointed out that a chicken has a beak and not human teeth he finally admitted it might have been him who did it. 

That is a criminal level of dishonesty. He is going to be a politician at this rate ! 

His ambition has gone from being a fire officer, to a police officer, a knight and then to wanting to be Prince Hans, "because he has a sword Mummy." I was becoming suspicious that he admired duplicity and cunning a bit too much, but now he wants to reach for the status of Master Yoda. Green and grammatically challenged that path may be, but a vast improvement it is. (See what I did there ?)

On a daily basis he will invent some partial truth that he makes sound so plausible I almost want to believe him even though I know it's complete baloney. He's had a secret jelly baby eating pact with Grandpa for over a year now, they have been in cahoots without me or Hubbie knowing. That is a disturbing amount of deception right there ! 

I'm not sure how helpful any of these skills will be in his school life, but I do hope that he manages to use his powers for good. I want to believe that he has the capacity to be a Captain Mal* character and to have good intentions even if his route to them is a little dubious. 

Let's face it, even Darth Vader had a mum, come to think of it so did Yoda. When they observed their sons I'm sure they had moments when they wondered what would become of their beloved boys too ? 

All I can do for now is ensure his shoes are shiny, his clothes have name tags in and that he's brushed his teeth and hair as he sets out on this new chapter. I will give him a supportive hug and whisper, "be careful out there' and chuckle to myself at the reference he won't get.**

If your little one is starting reception I hope it goes well and that you're not too upset by it. If you need a cuppa, a biccie and a virtual hug, I'll be here :) 

*if this reference is lost on you then google Firefly and give yourself a telling off for not knowing. 

**Hill Street Blues - seriously don't you watch any decent telly ? 

Go to school - please - just go !!

I love my boys. No really I do. It's just that...

Well, you see...

Sometimes we dress up and role play doing housework - it passes the time and makes me smile.

Then at other times we go to a new park that has a climbing wall and I notice that Big Boy has grown so much lately. 

Or we all go to the fire station and the boys compete to see who can get to open the doors (they both got to do it)

Then the lovely mums at Big Boy's school gave Baby Boy a Scuttlebug and he's been loving it.

Neo has been finding it difficult with the boys around all the time so he has been finding new places to hide all day. This is my favourite - camouflaged by all the bears on Big Boy's bed. 

But, the thing is I have another week of them both being at home and...

Well...

I've had enough ! 

I'm sorry, I know this is a wonderful time and I'm so privileged to be able to spend it with my children and they grow up so quick, yada yada yada. 

What I am saying is...

PLEASE GO TO SCHOOL ALREADY !! 

Yes I'll miss them when Big Boy is at school and Baby Boy is at pre-school. Right now, though I just spend all day trying to wear them out. 

Today I took them swimming in the morning and then to the scooter park in the afternoon. I was exhausted and they were irritable by the time we got home for dinner. 

Of course by this time next week I'll be feeling bereft that they're not around all day. I'll also be able to access the internet during daylight hours, pop to the post office during the day and maybe even sneak an episode of Castle or Hawaii Five-0 when Baby Boy is napping.

At least I'll still be able to pop in to check on them at night and find Neo sleeping with Big Boy - which is just adorable.

Sunday Night and Monday Morning

When people talk about Sunday Night Syndrome it's usually with a 'back to school' feeling. One of dread and sadness that the working / school week is beginning again. Hubbie usually irons his shirts on Sunday evening while we watch TV and I sort out my lunch and organise my handbag for Monday.

Eating crisps with chopsticks - that's how we roll :)

This week we've had a crazy busy weekend with a family lunch, a quiz at the school and a party with classmates this afternoon. In between all of this we also managed to fit in a visit to the dentist and even pre-recorded a radio show. Even by our standards it's been more packed than usual. I'm tired at the end of my weekend and have a full week to follow.

There was a time when I was able to cope with all the slings and arrows that working life would throw at me, but that was before I was a parent. Now my son's social calendar defines what we do every weekend and we all work round that. The weekdays are no different and everything is organised around what time he has to be dropped off or picked up from school. If I have to go on a train journey out of London I book a train that will get me back in time to pick him up. Hubbie drops him off at breakfast club in the morning then goes to work. It's a finely tuned operation to ensure everyone can get where they need to be at the right time.

My boy and his friend hanging out

The bit that is difficult for me is that my boy is only 4 years old and he spends a long day at school so that me and Hubbie can work. He loves being at school and his friends are great, but he did ask me the other day if I could pick him up at 3.15 "like the other Mums." I said I would see what I can do. To be honest it's probably not helpful that he is leaving school in the dark so it feels like the middle of the night, but it's the first time he's expressed any discontent with the long days we subject him to.

It does make me question whether that is what I want for my child. Whether my relationship with him in the future will be compromised because of the decisions we have made right now. My sister still says that she often wished that our Mum had been home when we got back from school like all her friends' Mums. Our Mum worked full time and it never occurred to me that this was an issue. I accepted that she worked and that this was not her choice, but a necessity. I didn't have my Mum at home when I got back from school and she was often tired, but she always took time off during the school holidays and would save money to take us for days out and even the occasional holiday.

Yeah I make him do his own washing.

Hubbie has a great relationship with his Mum and they talk openly and honestly about things that matter to him. I hope that when my son grows up he feels close to me in the same way.

It won't always be like this. I won't be working long days and travelling all over the place. In a short time I will be back to taking him to school and picking him up at the same time as the other Mums. He will see me when it's daylight and we will spend time together after school and maybe even have friends over for playdates.

The main thing I want for my son is that when he looks back on this time he recalls a happy childhood. One that was filled with fun, laughter and love.

Those are the memories that I want to give my boy.

Happy Days :

Hey, Ho, let's go... back to work and school.

So today we've gone back to normal after what feels like almost a month of holiday and late bedtimes and eating between meals. Everyone had to get up at a reasonable time and eat a normal breakfast and be dressed and ready by the front door in time to travel together.

Our boy is back at school and we're both back at work. To be fair Hubbie was at work last week so he's not feeling the pain as badly as I am. I went back yesterday and my desk had been moved so it was all a bit unsettling, but it was good to be back into some semblance of order after so long without any fixed plans from one day to the next. Our boy has been asking when he's due back at school for a while now and this excitement about seeing his friends again was helped by having new school shoes and a swimming lesson first thing.

The only one of the family who wasn't looking forward to this return to normality appears to be Neo. This morning the cat sat in the middle of the stairs observing our chaotic departure from the house with a mixture of curiosity and bemusement. I'm fairly certain he was a bit put out that he would be left alone all day having had company all day for weeks now, but also secretly was hoping we'd leave the door to our boy's bedroom open so that he could snuggle down on his bed. I'm slightly offended that our bed is no longer considered fluffy enough for him, but it might also be our insistence that he's not allowed in that makes it far more appealing.

When I got home this evening - later than usual - our boy was asleep and the cat was snoozing on his comfy bed by the radiator in the front room. I took over from Hubbie so he could go out for a swim - I had mine earlier today - and got myself sorted for the morning. I think it's fair to say that we are a family that does better when we have a routine.

Anyway, I'm off to bed now - I have to be up early :)

Air guitar, stage diving and visible pants: the Nativity uncut.

I'm not the first parent to watch their beloved offspring in a Nativity play and I'll by no means be the last. It was with some joy and expectation that I went to his school ready to see if he was a sheep or a cloud - we hadn't been given any hints you see - and sharpened my elbows to get to a seat at the front.

Once I'd assessed the room and placed myself where I could see the teeny tiny nursery children I waited with bated breath. Then the lights went down and the main cast arrived. Mary, Joseph, the wise men, the donkeys, the angels and assorted villagers. Dicky Attenborough would have been proud of the crowd scenes. Last, but cutest of all, the little stars arrived holding (pretend) candles and went to sit on the sides of the stage. My boy spotted me as he wended his way to the front and his face lit up and he waved - discreetly - at me. Remaining in character was so important to him that once he was on stage he went all method and ignored me.

Now, I've done my fair share of reviews having been an arts reviewer for various publications and also on my radio show, but this one was personal. So, taking into account that I have a family link to the show here are the highlights of my first nativity play as a parent.

• The nose-picking child sitting at the front of the stage having a good old dig around and then noshing on the bogies. Not mine, I hasten to add.

• One of the donkeys falling off the stage. I know this sounds cruel, but the padding prevented any serious injury - honest. 

• A wise man crying at the side of the stage. Clearly the weight of responsibility took its toll on the poor little fella. 

• One of the twinkling stars showing their pants - this isn't that unusual I know, but the boys getting so bored that they were lifting their t-shirts was just too funny. 

• An air guitar section during the song 'glittering stars' which was the chance to shine for the nursery kids. My boy was a the back for the second performance of this so he held his air guitar high up so we could see it over the heads of the others. So proud :) 

All in all I have to say that it was a stunning debut and I'm keen to see what else this young whippersnapper will do in his potentially amazing career on stage. 

No more a baby and not yet a man.

You know how you see a forlorn tiny mitten in the street, or a sock that has lost it's mate ? I feel sad for the child who has lost it - and to be honest for the Mum who won't notice it's missing until she's home or at least too far away to go back and retrace all her steps to find it. Well, once I had a child I realised how easy it is to lose things - often just the mundane things like socks or mittens. I thought I was very adept at taking care of the valuable toys and loved cuddlies. Until the day he dropped Ellie in the supermarket. 

He was sitting in the trolley and wanted to hold the toothpaste tubes so I let him. Then when we almost reached the till I asked where Ellie was and he said he didn't know. I frantically asked everyone if they'd seen Ellie and they said they hadn't. Some were genuinely concerned until they asked what she looked like and I described a small fluffy orange square with a trunk on one corner that was all chewed and smelly. The concern on their faces was palpably reduced when they realised it was a comforter that I was looking for and not my missing daughter. I'm not being too dramatic when I say I was distraught. I looked at my son and with tears filling my eyes I said. "I'm sorry we can't find Ellie. He looked at me and said, "It's ok Mummy, we have a new Ellie at home." He wasn't wrong. I had bought spares just in case of this eventuality. He styled it out with his seeming indifference to the loss of his most adored toy, but he never loved the 'new Ellie' the same as the original. So you can see why I thought my boy might have some experience in dealing with loss.

Today was my boy's first day at school. He's in the nursery, but it's in a school with uniform and book bags and all sorts of formalities that help get the children used to going to 'real' school. He finished at his old nursery at the end of July and we've been talking to him about the new school and what to expect. We have noticed he was getting a bit upset at times, like when we went uniform shopping or when anyone asked about 'big school' so we stopped calling it that and said, 'new nursery' instead. In preparation he had a haircut last week and every morning this week he has woken up asking, "Am I going to school today Mummy ?" In the last few days cracks started to appear, though, as he said, "Mummy I don't like my hair, I won't go to school until I get a new haircut." or, "I'm not feeling well, I can't go to school." I started to see signs of his fear and worry about the big new change.

Then today arrived and he bounded in to our bedroom asking, "Am I going to school today ?" and we said, "Yes, let's get ready." He had a wash, brushed his hair and then put on his uniform - causing his hair to get all messed up - so he brushed it again and admired himself in the mirror. We all got ready to go and he part walked and part scooted to the school. When we arrived he went straight in and started to play with some other children. When we called out to him he gave us a cursory, "yeah, yeah, whatever I'm busy." wave and we smiled and left the school. I didn't cry, but I did feel a bit choked and hoped he'd be ok. He hadn't eaten much breakfast and I know how ratty he gets when he's hungry so I wondered how he'd make it to morning break time without a meltdown.

When we went to pick him up this afternoon he was sitting nicely on the carpet and when he got up to come to the door I noticed he seemed a bit tired and down. He mithered all the way home, wanting to be carried and I assured him that he'd get used to walking - we both have to ! He wasn't too keen to talk about what he'd done or who he'd played with or in fact anything about his first day. Then we took him out for dinner as a special 'first day at school' treat. He was a bit moody and I put it down to tiredness, but he managed to wolf down a big milkshake and got a balloon from the lovely owner of his favourite diner so he cheered up a little bit.

After a bit of a fuss at bedtime. I went to his room for our usual end of day chat and calmly asked him, "Have you had a good day ?" He said no. Then he burst into tears. I mean massive wracking sobs that made his little - still damp from the shower - body shake. I held him close and kept saying, "It's ok. It's ok baby. It's ok." He cried and cried. I felt terrible - I wanted to cry too. This wasn't tiredness, this was something else. He eventually said, "I don't want to go to new nursery any more. I want to go to my old nursery." I held him close and said, "New things are a bit scary and it's sad when we have to leave somewhere we like, but you will like this nursery too." I asked him what he missed about the old nursery and he said, " My toys..." pause, " and my friends.' More tears. I held him closer and kissed his still wet head. He kept saying he just wanted to go to the old nursery and pleaded with me not to take him to new nursery again.

I felt my chest constrict and my throat tighten. We had spent time talking about the fun new things he'd be doing, but we had neglected to prepare him to leave things behind. Because he can count and and he is very funny and fluent in his speech we think he has a maturity that isn't really possible in someone who will only be 4 at the end of the month. I thought that because he was putting on a brave face he was dealing with this big change in his life. Up until now I've been sewing in labels, getting photos taken and dealing with the 'cosmetic' part of moving on. Now, the real work begins in helping my boy to let go of the past and move on to the future. To help him learn to have faith that things will get better. That this transition from knowing everyone and being well versed in what goes on to everything being new and unknown will only be temporary. The teachers will no longer be strangers and he will make new friends.

You see when I look at my boy I don't just see someone who can dress himself and who plays tricks on me and Hubbie to a make us laugh. I see the tiny newborn who I held close and kissed on the head. I see the smudgy scan that me and Hubbie gave thanks for. I remember the bump that we used to sing to and who I whispered to that I'd love and protect for as long as he'd let me.

If I can't let go of the past just like that it's hardly fair to expect my boy to is it ? It's going to take time.

Playschool was never like this

Outdoor fun

In September my boy will be going to 'big school' and it is a big deal. We take a lot of time to choose schools and it is a big thing in a child's life. We will shop for uniform and shoes and he has been to meet his teachers and class mates. When we take so much care about choosing and preparing for school why is it that we don't take nursery quite as seriously ? After all it is the first experience most children will have of being cared for and learning in a new environment.

When my son not much more than a year old I went back to work and he was taken care of by my sister who is a nanny. It was paid work and she undertook it with the professionalism you would expect, but also with a love for her nephew that made it all the more reassuring to me that he was well cared for. The decision to leave work soon after was not a simple one, but it was never because I worried that he wasn't being cared for.

I was employed in a new role a few months later and the pressure to go full time meant I was looking for childcare again. My sister was not available to do the full time role and I accepted that I needed to look for nursery provision for my boy. The difficulty in this, however, was something I just wasn't prepared for. We made some mistakes that I'm going to share so that you don't do the same:

Mistake number one: We didn't shop around 

As we went to Gymboree I talked to other mums who were going back to work and who had their children in nurseries and I took a recommendation from one of them. She told me about a Montessori nursery that she rated very highly. I didn't know much about nursery, but knew enough to decide that Montessori was the was to go for us. I went to look at the one she recommended and it seemed nice enough. I didn't look at any others. I have since realised that the principles of Montessori are adopted by a lot of nurseries even if they do not specify that they are a Montessori nursery.

Mistake number two: We didn't realise that if your child seems unhappy you don't have to leave them there, you can stay. 

I talked to the owner of the nursery who was very laid back and we agreed that my son would have a trial and see how he got on. He was still not even 18 months and I was worried he would be upset, but they assured me he would be fine. I left him with them for a little while. He cried. I went outside to the car and I cried. I came back. They told me he was fine, but he looked unhappy. If I had known better I'd have asked to stay with him and play the first time and try leaving him for a short while the next time.

Mistake number three - I didn't trust or listen to my instincts 

The staff did not give me a settling in plan or any suggestions for how to make his settling in any easier. I took him again the following week and he was upset again and they told me to leave him and that he'd be fine. He wasn't. I wasn't. I talked to the nursery manager who essentially told me off for suggesting my son wasn't settling in and said he didn't need my business and if I was unhappy I could go elsewhere. A good nursery will give you a clear settling in plan and guide you on how best to help your child make a happy transition. They won't insult or humiliate you for being overly protective of your child.

Mistake number four - I was fobbed off when I asked to see nursery policies and I didn't insist on seeing them. 

The final time I took my son to nursery he seemed a bit better, but when I returned he was in a vest on the floor with the door wide open. When I asked why they said he didn't have a shirt only a jumper in his bag. I asked why they didn't put his jumper on him and they looked blank. When they told me he had taken a nap on the floor as they didn't have enough cots and only children who came every day could have a cot I left and knew we wouldn't be back again. When we came for the first look round they had shown me cots for sleeping, nothing was said about a hierarchy of sleeping that included the floor.

Mistake number five - We didn't report what we experienced 

This week there was a news story about Ofsted inspections of nurseries in Croydon that suggests nursery provision in our area just doesn't make the grade. The nursery I took my boy to was judged inadequate and;

"was censured in March, not because there had been an incident, serious or otherwise, but because staff could not demonstrate they understood safeguarding and welfare requirements."

I feel vindicated in my decision to not take him back there. I had tried to find an Ofsted report for the nursery at the time, but it was not available and I didn't know who to tell. I decided that staying home with my son was more important for his welfare and my sanity until he and I were ready for him to go to a pre-school or nursery setting a few months later.  

I don't do messy play at home

This experience informed the process when we looked for the nursery where he has been very happy for 2 years now. Me and Hubbie visited at least half a dozen nurseries and while they were nice we considered all the pros and cons. We wanted somewhere that had outdoor space, friendly children and staff and written policies. The one we chose is not the closest to us, but he has blossomed there and I trust the staff with my precious child. The staff are never to busy to talk to me about my concerns, they advised on how to help him to use the toilet instead of nappies and they have supported me when his behaviour has been difficult at home. It has been a great choice for us. 

Not all parents can or want to stay at home and take care of small children. We rely on others to help us with our beloved babies and trust that they are doing a good job. Of course there will be days when things go wrong. I have signed the accident book so many times it's not even funny. I've had to pick him up as he has had a temperature and I have been mortified when they have told me he has hit another child or said a rude word *whistles innocently*

He has also been on trips where they have taken the bus and walked to the park to feed the ducks. They have sports sessions, play outside, draw and paint, play with sand and bake cookies. He plays nicely with the younger children and has tried foods that I don't make at home. He gets invited to his friends' birthday parties and he has a different 'best friend' every week. 

It might not be for everyone, but nursery has been great for me and for my boy. His happiness and his safety are important to me. 

It's not too much to ask that those things are a priority for the staff caring for him too. 

Learning through play