How much is too much

It's been a long and tiring week. I've been up at 5am most days and have still been at work full time and also had a few late evenings. It's fair to say the boys have barely seen me and Brown Bear has been playing up to get my attention. It was yesterday that I realised that others think I'm doing too much. Friends have been messaging to check if I'm ok, they've been offering to hug me and Hubbie suggested I should lie in instead of getting up early at the weekend. If I have things to do it's just easier to get up and do them early - if I'm going for a run I'd rather it's at the start of the day, however, I'm not always at my best first thing.

I was told I worry too much. Of course I do. It's a side effect of anxiety, but actually I have always been this way. I can't recall a time when I didn't worry. As the oldest child I was always worried about my siblings. It was my responsibility to look after them a lot of the time and I would get the blame if anything happened to them on my watch. I also blamed myself if they got injured or if anyone did them wrong. I don't know why. I was also the typical worried first time Mum, protecting Brown Bear with a tigress' instinct. Woe betide anyone who fell foul of me in my first year of parenting, I was permanently worried. Then there was the whole adoption process and Blue Bear coming to live with us - that was fraught with worry. It's only now - more than three years later - that I can breathe and look at him and smile with happiness that he's happy and funny and boisterous like his brother. I do still worry, just about different things. It's who I am.

Is it possible to think too much ? I've always been told I do, so it's probably true. Of course I think too much. I wasn't one of cool kids, I wasn't popular and I was never a great beauty so I had plenty of time to think. I didn't have that instant appeal that cuts through having to make any effort. I learned to observe, to notice and to comment on life. My friend Ajay once said to me, "average looking people like us have to make more of an effort." I happen to think he's well above average looking, but that's not the point here. Really beautiful folk often don't have to try hard in life, with people flocking to them and being nice to them. The rest of us don't occupy that privileged place, so we have other skills. Mine is to analyse and try to make sense of the world around me. It's not for everyone.

For years I took offence at the assertion that I talk too much. I do, but I didn't like to hear it. I would fill silences with inane chat, make small talk and just talk over people all the time. I drove myself crazy with it, so I can imagine how much it bothered other people. It's not because I think I'm interesting or anything, it's nerves. If I have to keep filling the gaps with chatter it's because I'm uncomfortable. I have learned to stop and just let silence be. I also realised some years ago that people like to be heard so I learned to listen and reflect back what they said. It can be unsettling when they notice I haven't just been nodding along, waiting for a gap in the conversation to say my bit. I've actually heard what they've been saying and am responding to it.

I do too much. Ok this one I will admit to. I don't like to let anyone down so if I've said I'm going to do something I will do it. Even if it's to my own detriment. If it has a negative impact on those I love then I get annoyed with myself, but I will always try to do whatever I'm asked. This comes down to being unable to say no. I've read the books, I've got the prompts on the fridge door, I've even done mantras about it. I still struggle to say no. I practise on my children, it doesn't help. The people-pleaser part of me is much too established. However much I try, the instinct to say yes to everything is stronger than the realisation that I need to take care of myself.

So this week, when a friend sent me flowers and a message saying she was worried about me it touched my heart. Another assured me if I wanted to talk or not talk, be serious or silly she was there for me. When Hubbie said I needed to rest I realised he was worrying about me. When my Mum thanked me for taking the time to be around (why wouldn't I ?) it reminded me that I'm still her baby. More that anything it made me feel noticed. There was no criticism of me for not doing something or for being too much anything. It was genuine concern and kindness. I don't often need or ask for anything from others. I don't like to take or to impose.

How much is too much ? Well when it comes to feeling cared about it would appear there's no such thing.

A reflection on time

Don't have time 

The one phrase that is guaranteed to annoy the hell out of me is, "I'm too busy." Not because I think it's not true. I trust that if someone has taken time out of their day to tell me they are busy they must really mean it. The reason it vexes me is because pretty much all of us have plenty enough to do. It's not a competition. Making time for others is my first choice. I might say I'm too busy if I don't want to do something, but it's unlikely.

In the nick of time 

On Sunday Brown Bear fell down the stairs. Well he almost did - in a moment of clarity that would have drawn appreciation from a ninja I caught him as he tumbled head first knocking the coats and a pot plant over as he went. Of course as soon as I'd checked he wasn't broken I shouted at him for falling - a panic response familiar to anyone who has looked after an accident prone child. He's still complaining that his elbow hurts, but since he was able to swim and play Sonic on the Sega Megadrive with Daddy yesterday after school I think it's a safe bet that he's going to be fine.

Before her time 

This phrase is so often used when someone passes away. It's true of so many and I'm still struggling to understand why my gorgeous friend died so young, so painfully and so quickly. I've listened as people have reassured me that it will make me value life more. That this happened for a reason and it will not have been for nothing. That her passing has given others the impetus to achieve in her name. For now, though, I'm still just very angry and sad. That's all I can cope with right now.

At the right time 

Our cat is getting old. He's on two pills - one for blood pressure and one for his kidneys and he has a special diet to support his weak kidneys. I know not everyone is soppy about animals and we do spoil him a bit as we are fortunate enough to be able to. As he gets frailer and spends more time indoors I want to make whatever time he has left with us happy and comfortable. It's the kind thing to do and he is one of the family. I can't think about a time when he won't be any more.

Time flies  

When I was a new mum everyone told me that the time would fly and before I knew it my Brown Bear would be a toddler and then a boy. I was advised when we adopted Blue Bear to write down my feelings and take plenty of photos because the memories would fade so quickly. I see them every day so I don't notice how much Brown and Blue have grown until it's startlingly obvious - like when they grow out of all their trousers at once. Recently I realised that Blue Bear is now confident, cheeky and outspoken. Brown Bear has a complicated social life with friends in different circles. I look at the photos and videos of them as babies and toddlers. Before Blue could speak, before Brown could walk. Before these little bears became brothers. They are my babies, yet I can already see the young men they will become. It really is happening so fast.

Take your time

I've always overextended myself and try to pack far too much into each day. I think it's because I don't like to let anyone down so I rarely say no to anything. Instead I end up trying to fit everything in and inevitably it leaves me tired and grumpy. I've spent the last year being schooled in how to practise 'self-care.' I'm still a work in progress at this. Spending time with Hubbie or with the children one to one has been a big change for me. Pacing myself and ensuring I also get enough rest is still a challenge though.

Quality time

The phrase does grate on me, but the sentiment behind it does not. It's often used to berate parents who are twitter shamed for being on their phones with a coffee cup in hand rather than playfully throwing their giggling toddlers into the air while expressing joy in the moment. A few years ago Hubbie asked me what I'd like for Mother's Day and I said I'd like him to take the boys to see Grandma. Friends and other mothers were horrified at my choice. I explained that I'm a Mum every day of the week and for just one day I wanted to just spend the day by myself. Last year I also booked a night away in a lovely hotel by myself. Now that is quality time for me.

Time is an illusion - Albert Einstein

Sunday is family day - whatever kind of family you are

We had a family day today. A late lie in then Hubbie and Brown Bear went out for a bike ride while Blue Bear and I moved furniture and listened to the Archers omnibus. Ok that was mostly me, but he was keeping me company. We sat down for lunch together and then watched a family movie together. I thought we could watch Babe as it has animals in it and it's been years since I last watched it. Brown Bear lost interest pretty quickly, but Blue Bear loves animals so he was enraptured. At one point Fly the sheepdog watches as all her pups are sold on. We see how sad she looks even though she knew her pups would leave her one day. Later that night Babe asks if he can call her Mum. I swear Blue Bear snuggled a bit closer to that point and it brought a tear to my eye.

Brown Bear has been talking about how he grew in Mummy's tummy and Blue Bear was born in another mummy's tummy. He says it in front of his brother and at times I wonder if it makes sense to Blue Bear. He is now 4 years old, but I don't know it he truly understands what it means to be adopted. Why would he ? We weren't in his life for the first year. So much happened in that time. He lived with birth mum, then with foster family then finally he came to live with us. We keep in touch wtih his foster family and it's really important that they are in his life as they hold the memories of that time before we knew him. They met birth mum and they took care of him when she couldn't any more.

We had a birthday party for Blue Bear - his first one - and invited his foster family and the children they currently care for. It was a chance for them to see him in a social setting and they saw how he has made friends and is confident and fun to be around. It was also really touching when I saw my Mum talking to his foster 'mum' and getting on so well with her. It wasn't easy for them to let him go and trust us. So many times they took Blue Bear for contact visits with birth mum and she just didn't turn up. He would get distressed and they would have to take him home until the next time. When we were matched as his family the foster carers were very protective of him and wanted to be assured that this little boy in their care was going to the best home. I like to think that when they see of how happy he is they believe that.

Brown Bear knows what a foster family is, but Blue Bear isn't entirely sure. As time goes on we will be more explicit about how important they have been in his life. He already knows they love him very much. Explaining the journey that brought Blue Bear into our family is not a one time thing. It's ongoing and sometimes unexpected things will bring it into focus. Watching a movie about how a pig was adopted by a sheepdog gave me pause for thought today. Did Blue Bear really understand ? It doesn't matter.

I watched Blue Bear lying against Hubbie on the floor this afternoon. People often comment on how alike they look and it is uncanny. Then later the boys were playing a bowling game on the wii and they were laughing and wrestling on the floor between rounds. For all the fighting and the noise this is what we hoped for.

A family.

It's not about you

When anyone asks me about adoption it's usually about why we chose to do it, how hard was it for us, is it what we had expected. I understand why these are the questions that get asked, but what I want to say to anyone who is thinking about adoption is pretty simple. "It's not about you." I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is the honest truth. When it comes to a child being placed with a family it's entirely about what is best for the child. Whether your home is the most suited to them, your family equipped to manage whatever challenges they may bring. The process is to ensure that the child's needs will be met by you. It's not about you choosing a child who 'fits' with you.

As friends of ours are in the process of meeting their new child and getting to know her I thought I'd share some of the things that we've learned in getting to know Blue Bear.

Even though we have a son already we don't compare the two boys and at what age they do things.

We are taking it at his pace and listen when he tells us he's not ready. Then we work with him on what he can do.

Allowing him to tell us when he feels he wants to try means he doesn't feel frustrated or like a failure. 

We encourage him to help feed Neo. In return Neo lies with him and keeps him company sometimes. They are learning to care for each other and have become great friends

Nurturing his love of animals both at home and when we are away. He has learned to be kind, caring and gentle with animals.  

Trust - in everything. It's a lot to ask of a small child to trust you when he doesn't know you, but with time it does come.                                                 

Trying new foods and finding out which ones he doesn't like has been a learning experience. His firsts aren't always successful, but that's ok.

Repeating things he likes. From parks he likes, to programmes he loves and foods he enjoys. 

The basics are pretty universal though. The stuff you know about parenting, but that can seem so loaded and difficult with a child who is new and not entirely sure about you. Before you really feel like his family to him.

Being there when he cries at night. Every time, even when it seems it won't ever stop. He still needs to know that someone is there. 

Hugging him. At first he didn't want to be hugged and didn't hug back either. Again, it takes time and it's something he loves to do now. 

Putting on a plaster. Maybe there is nothing there, but the simple act of doing this shows we notice he's hurt and that we care.  

Holding his hand. His tiny little hand - and knowing when to let it go.  

Letting him try things - mostly because his big brother is doing them - all the while keeping him safe. 

Letting him be angry. Even when it's hard to witness and even harder to be on the receiving end. 

Not taking things personally. This is big. It isn't easy and as he gets older I suspect this is one I'll have to engrave somewhere so I don't forget it.

Showing him how to love (and be loved). By us, by his brother, by Neo by our parents.

After all that's what it comes down to isn't it ? 

Mother's pride

Every Friday you ask me to attend the celebration assembly at school and every week I dutifully turn up and try to catch your attention so you can see me there and when you do, the smile and wave I get it so worth it.

So I join in with the hymn and sing happy birthday to those celebrating and smile as all the teachers hand out certificates to their favourites. Each week I sit there and think about all the wonderful things you have done this week and hope it's your turn.

I think about how the other morning you saw a younger boy crying in the playground before school and went over to see if he was ok. I then watched you take Billy over to play a game to cheer him up.

I remember that day when a new child started and he was upset about his dad leaving him and you invited him over to join you and your friends to play football and showed him the ropes as the new kid.

I was there when you handed in your precious picture for the Christmas competition having taken time to carefully design it and thinking about all the detail and colours you used.

I know that when we talked about giving toys to children who had none you wanted to give even more than I had expected as you wanted to make sure other children would get to have something nice for Christmas.

I've seen you gently stroke Neo and keeping him company when the fireworks were frightening him and you read him a story to help keep calm.

I swelled with pride when you were struggling during the park run on a freezing cold morning, but you kept going and I watched your face break into a huge smile when you made it over the finish line.

So you see when they call out another child's name and I see your shoulders fall in disappointment I am right there with you. I am smiling, but I'm feeling sad for you too. It makes sense that you are wondering why it isn't you. I think the same. Still we put on our best smiles and are happy for those who get the praise that you don't get. I've applauded when other children get recognition for:

Swimming a width of the pool - when we both know you can now swim a length without help and on both your front and back (that took a lot of work)

Taking another child under their wing - when I know you've made time for other children to help them feel welcome or to cheer them up

Writing a whole page - when you write pages and pages of news and stories and lovely notes - in your best writing

Being kind - when I have seen how much it took for you to share your home and family with Blue Bear and now you are fiercely loyal to him as he is to you

We will always smile and be happy for others and applaud their achievements. I will be there to give you a big hug afterwards and bring a snack for the ride home.

You see I do know all these wonderful things you do. I remember every little thing you do that makes me proud and I tell you. Just because it's not in front of the school doesn't make you any less than a kind, caring, loving, bright, boy who does his best.

You and me kid - we know.

When love doesn't save the day what happens ?

Believe me when I say the above not with cynicism, but with a heavy heart. You already know that I am a big fan of love - I am soppy and embarrassing, with Hubbie, my family, friends and my children. Despite my vow not to, I slobber all over my sons when I drop them off anywhere, much to their embarrassment. Yes, even the almost 2 year old ! 

You can't have missed the news about the closure of the charity Kids Company and the subsequent fallout in the media. On the one hand there are accusations that the charity was not financially viable and on the other the claim that it is the speculation in the media that led to donations drying up. I have over 20 years experience of the charity sector starting out as a volunteer with Terrence Higgins Trust in 1994, working with children's charities, overseas agencies and as a fundraising director in latter years. I have seen a lot of what goes well and plenty of what goes wrong with charities. I've never known a charity to close like this. The Diana Memorial Fund closed a few years ago following a court case they took against the Franklin Mint in the US. The fund lost resulting in a large payout of legal fees that made dent in their finances. There were many charities that relied on funding from them who faced closure and it was a salutary lesson to the sector to diversify funding and not to rely on one major source of income.

We haven't heard the full story about what happened at Kids Company yet and may never truly know. It's terribly sad for all the young people who were helped by the charity and for all the staff who were committed to the work they loved doing. Now, I'm not an expert, but I've learned a lot in the last 20 years and some of what I know might help explain what seems inexplicable here.

Work your way out of a job:

First up charities exist to meet a need that is not already being served. Barnardos, Save the Children and Kids Company all came about to provide care for children who would otherwise be left uncared for and neglected. Medical charities are often started to support people who are confounded about how to cope with life changing circumstances. The Anthony Nolan Trust was founded by parents who were alone and in need of help when their son Anthony was ill and needed a bone marrow transplant. For years they have provided this support to others and now also campaign to encourage more people to become bone marrow donors. My point is that a charity is started to fill a gap and at some point surely the aim must be to negate the need to exist at all ? After all what says success like not being needed any more ? Isn't it more of a win for a charity to say 'we have eradicated this disease' than to say 'we have helped more people with this disease this year than last'. Ok that is probably utopian, but it has been my observation that as charities grow their aim is to diversify and increase revenue to deliver more and more services rather than to work towards their own end. After all when you have offices and staff salaries to pay for why would you want to wind down the organisation ? Well, maybe because you have succeeded in making the service you provide a mainstream one that is available or because the need for the service has gone. That might seem idealistic, but isn't the headline aim of any charity working with vulnerable children and young people who have been neglected or abused to stop the abuse happening in the first place ?

Charisma at the top:

I've worked for my fair share of visionary charity founders. They are inspiring, driven and charismatic. Rarely are they also managers or business minded. When you have a mantra like, "love will cure all" why deal with boring details like salaries and tax returns ? It's so easy to praise the 'front line' services and castigate agencies for having managers and back office staff. Well how do you think those front line staff are CRB checked, insured and paid ? Or have the equipment they need to do their work ? That the offices you work in are paid for and the paper in the photocopier is bought and the broadband is connected and working. Someone has to fundraise to pay for all of that, someone else has to have legal knowledge to ensure that young people, children, older people and anyone else is safe and protected. It's not glamorous, but it is essential. If you've ever had an operation did you get a call from your consultant to book you in or did someone in an admin department advise you of the date you would be seen ? Back office is necessary to enable front line to function. The face of the organisation rarely takes any interest in the functions that make their charity tick.

Love is all you need:

When a founder/chief executive says something like, "love is what these children need," I agree, of course they do. They also need a safe place and trusted people to support them. Love doesn't pay for accommodation and it isn't ensuring they are safe from harm. An abuser will say they love the person they hurt. A parent who has neglected their children will insist they love them while also destroying their childhood. Love will definitely make a big difference, but so can care, nutrition and a safe place to stay - all of which can cost money. Which brings us to...

Show me the money:

Believe me when I say it's not easy to ask for money. I wish it was a case of just saying, "this is really important work, you know that, please fund it." It isn't. When I am fundraising by doing something daft like dancing for 6 hours or walking all night it's friends and family who I'm asking to give money to a good cause. It's asking them to support what I'm doing in the name of a good cause. When I'm fundraising for a charity that I work for it's often trusts and companies who I am applying to. They are being asked by other competing charities whose causes are just as compelling, so how do they decide ? Well they often have very clear criteria of what they will fund - that makes sense. Others will refuse to fund existing work or salaries or capital projects. All of which means that once work is established it's very difficult to fund it to continue. Some charities respond by repackaging what they are doing so it looks new and shiny. Others chase the money and change what they do in order to keep going. It's not a great situation either way. What it does mean is that everyone is fighting for the same pot of money.

Friends in high places:

When the head of a charity is always in the media portraying their own take on the charity instead of the reality it is very difficult for the work of the charity to continue. That same founder / Chief Executive figure will most likely refuse to listen to the people who do pay salaries and fundraise because they have the bigger vision and don't want to get bogged down with the boring stuff like the bottom line. If that same person then says they will go and get a handout from their 'friendly donor' it's neither transparent nor ethical, but you're not allowed to challenge the person at the top. When that friendly donor is high profile and decides to withdraw support what happens ? Well, I have had to negotiate with a corporate donor who wanted their money back because they had no idea what had been done with it. No one wants to have to do that, but if you aren't being open and honest with donors that will happen. Worst case scenario you will have to pay it back. Even worse case scenario you will have no money and have to close. Leaving the benefactors and staff with nowhere to go.

It's not all work, work, work:

Most people I've worked with in charity have a deep commitment to the cause. They also have a love of what they do because - let's face it - they aren't in the best paid jobs. The backbone of the charity sector is the work of volunteers. They deliver services, collect donations, fundraise, organise events, bake cakes, answer phones and without them it would just not be possible to function. No one wants to stop delivering services they believe in or to leave children and young people or older people or animals without any care or support. I say this as someone who has spent time overseas with children in orphanages and refugee camps - it made it glaringly obvious why the cause was so important. I have also worked to fundraise for organisations that provide support to care leavers and young people at risk of crime. It's not an easy cause, but it's one that needs the money as otherwise no one else is doing it.

There isn't room for everyone:

Not every charity will make it and the phrase 'too big to fail' cannot be truer here. Some are such leviathans that it's seen as irresponsible to let them go bust, but why are they so big in the first place ? It's not like any one charity is genuinely unique any more. There are many cancer charities. Myriad medical charities. So many children's charities. The minute differences are negligible. More importantly they're often delivering work we don't realise is charitable. Were you aware that air ambulance is a charity that has to fundraise ? An emergency service provided by charity. Most services for prisoners are delivered by charities as are support services for looked after children. Aren't these public provisions ? Well maybe they should be, but with little regulation and new charities being created every day the money just won't go round. If a charity is able to use public funds like a personal piggy bank and then to not even account for the money how is that fair ? 


This is a blog post I never intended to write, but with so much comment and inference about the current news story I just wanted to add my two pen'orth. Fundamentally there are too many charities. There's not enough money for everyone. If you're fortunate enough to be funded well you owe it to those you work with to be responsible and make that money work the best way. This doesn't mean going back to keep asking for more to fill gaps, but being honest about where it's spent and why. If you can't and that results in funders deciding not to keep funding your cause you can't then lash out at everyone with guilt inducing accusations of service users let down.


Not being sustainable and claiming that love will feed, clothe, counsel and heal wounded children is irresponsible. More importantly it's devastating for the young people who will lose out at a result of this. Right now the last thing they are feeling is loved.  

Hang onto your wellies - we're getting into practice for Christmas at Coombe Mill

As you will already know my boy loves a farm and when one of his friends invited him to a party at a local farm we all jumped at the invitation. The weather wasn't looking too great when we left home for his Kung Fu lesson so we packed welly boots for everyone and hoped for the best.

We have been meaning to go to Godstone Farm for a while as so many of our friends love going there and it is a working farm that hosts children's parties and offers membership including after school visiting and you can book to spend 'a day being a farmer.' Of course we've been farm helpers at Coombe Mill so our boy is comfortable with the environment and was very excited.

Admiring the fish pond

Just before he fell in the mud !

When we arrived at the Farm the weather was clearing up a bit and as the first part of the party was in the soft play barn it gave the children a chance to run off some steam before the party antics and lunch. After they had been fed and sung happy birthday to Harry we all went to explore the farm and meet the animals.

Hey Mr Turkey 

Rosie the pig 

The Billy Goats Gruff waiting to be fed

Armed with small pots of animal food - and clear instructions not to feed the pigs or ponies we sought out signs imploring us to feed the animals. The feeding chutes were great and the children loved popping food pellets into the boxes and watching them fall down - mostly onto the head of a hungry animal !

Meeting the baby pigs 

Feeding through the chute

As well as roaming around meeting a lot of different animals there was also time to pet small animals which my boy really enjoyed. He was very gentle with this dwarf rabbit and kept telling me, "you have to stroke it gently Mummy." As well as taking great care to wash his hands thoroughly after feeding and handling the animals.

Animal handling 

Rabbit food

Godstone Farm is a welcoming place for families with so many opportunities for children to learn about the animals and to play and have fun. Our boy enjoyed it all the more as all his classmates from nursery were there too.

Checking out the chickens

We're going back to Coombe Mill for Christmas and can't wait to spend the festive period with lovely Fiona, Farmer Nick their fab family. Visiting Godstone Farm was a lovely reminder of how much fun it is to visit a working farm that is child friendly.

Getting in some practice

Oh and of course our boy is looking forward to helping drive Farmer Nick's tractor again.

I just love these tyres :) 

This post is being shared as part of the lovely #countrykids linky hosted by the fabulous Fiona of Coombe Mill