A feminist, an adopter, a radio presenter, an equality advisor and mum to boys.
I swim, play music, write stuff and have ambitions to declutter my home.
Three years ago today we attended a very important meeting.
One that changed all our lives forever.
We dropped Brown Bear off at school and went to visit a family we had only met once before.
I think we arrived early and waited outside until the agreed time. We knocked on the door and they opened the door to greet us. With a lot of nervousness we went to the room at the back of the house to see the special person we were meeting. We had seen photos of him so we knew what he looked like, but we hadn't spoken to him or seen him for real. I held back a bit as I didn't want to overwhelm him and I didn't know how he would react to us. He had seen photos of us too and when we came in he went over and picked up a small album and showed us. He recognised us from the family photo we had sent. He didn't say much - he had a dummy in his mouth so it would have been muffled anyway. He looked at us and smiled, then walked back to a place of safety and watched us.
He was dressed like a little old man in a sweater vest - like the ones my dad wears. He stood in front of the TV screen - like my sister used to. He surveyed us from afar and made a decision about whether we were ok to approach or not - I'm told Hubbie was like that too.
Hubbie was first to engage with him. He lay on the floor and played with toys until with tentative steps Blue Bear came over to join in. I sat back and watched. He was so tiny. So much more beautiful than the photos we had seen. Quiet, thoughful and shy. He kept going back to the comfort of his foster carer for a cuddle and reassurance that these people who had come were ok. Hubbie coaxed giggles and laughter from him and it was the most magical sound.
We didn't stay long that first day. After around an hour we left to go home. All the way back we chattered away. There was so much to tell Brown Bear and he was excited to hear all about it. I made some notes immediately we got home as a friend had advised me to. I am so glad I listened as so much happens and it's difficult to remember the minor details, the order of events or even the emotions.
Brown Bear wanted to know everything, but most importantly, "What is he like ?" and "When can I meet him ?" He knew he was going to meet him later in the week and was impatient for that time to come. It was so hard to sleep that first night. The excitement, the anticipation, the anxiety. What if he decides tomorrow he didn't like us after all ? Is it safe to get close to this little boy if there is any chance it might not work out ?
In the end none of that mattered. I just knew from the minute I saw him that this was our baby boy. That he had to join our family. I finally fell asleep with the joyful memory of his giggles ringing in my ears. Hopefully, they would be in our own home before too long.
We had a family day today. A late lie in then Hubbie and Brown Bear went out for a bike ride while Blue Bear and I moved furniture and listened to the Archers omnibus. Ok that was mostly me, but he was keeping me company. We sat down for lunch together and then watched a family movie together. I thought we could watch Babe as it has animals in it and it's been years since I last watched it. Brown Bear lost interest pretty quickly, but Blue Bear loves animals so he was enraptured. At one point Fly the sheepdog watches as all her pups are sold on. We see how sad she looks even though she knew her pups would leave her one day. Later that night Babe asks if he can call her Mum. I swear Blue Bear snuggled a bit closer to that point and it brought a tear to my eye.
Brown Bear has been talking about how he grew in Mummy's tummy and Blue Bear was born in another mummy's tummy. He says it in front of his brother and at times I wonder if it makes sense to Blue Bear. He is now 4 years old, but I don't know it he truly understands what it means to be adopted. Why would he ? We weren't in his life for the first year. So much happened in that time. He lived with birth mum, then with foster family then finally he came to live with us. We keep in touch wtih his foster family and it's really important that they are in his life as they hold the memories of that time before we knew him. They met birth mum and they took care of him when she couldn't any more.
We had a birthday party for Blue Bear - his first one - and invited his foster family and the children they currently care for. It was a chance for them to see him in a social setting and they saw how he has made friends and is confident and fun to be around. It was also really touching when I saw my Mum talking to his foster 'mum' and getting on so well with her. It wasn't easy for them to let him go and trust us. So many times they took Blue Bear for contact visits with birth mum and she just didn't turn up. He would get distressed and they would have to take him home until the next time. When we were matched as his family the foster carers were very protective of him and wanted to be assured that this little boy in their care was going to the best home. I like to think that when they see of how happy he is they believe that.
Brown Bear knows what a foster family is, but Blue Bear isn't entirely sure. As time goes on we will be more explicit about how important they have been in his life. He already knows they love him very much. Explaining the journey that brought Blue Bear into our family is not a one time thing. It's ongoing and sometimes unexpected things will bring it into focus. Watching a movie about how a pig was adopted by a sheepdog gave me pause for thought today. Did Blue Bear really understand ? It doesn't matter.
I watched Blue Bear lying against Hubbie on the floor this afternoon. People often comment on how alike they look and it is uncanny. Then later the boys were playing a bowling game on the wii and they were laughing and wrestling on the floor between rounds. For all the fighting and the noise this is what we hoped for.
Fostering was under the media spotlight this last week following a salacious news item in the Times newspaper. The 'story' (for fiction is the kindest way to describe it) was factually incorrect, designed to create discord and more than anything it was inflammatory and racist. The row centres on a 'Christian child' being placed with 'Muslim foster carers.' The biggest cause of consternation being that the female carer wore a head covering and apparently the family spoke Arabic at home. I listened to a radio interview with the Mayor of the Tower Hamlets - the council involved in the story - and then with the journalist who reported the story. Neither gave a particularly good account of themselves or inspired confidence in the system of fostering and adoption or of news gathering.
I know both Tower Hamlets Council and the fostering and adoption system in this country pretty well. Hubbie worked at Tower Hamlets during our first adoption process and when we asked to be considered as potential adopters for a child in foster care with them. Initially they told us we weren't the correct racial match with him (even though they didn't know Baby R's exact ethnicity) then overnight they changed their matching policy to prevent us from adopting him because Hubbie worked for the local authority with which he was placed. It was really cynical and when I spoke to other couples of mixed race they reported similar treatment by local authorities seeking a 'perfect match' for the children waiting for permanent families.
Now, first up the concept of a perfect match is ridiculous, but more than anything the maths just doesn't work. The number of children waiting who have unspecified ethnicity or possibly muslim parentage is disproportionate to the number of muslim families waiting to adopt them. There are, however, muslim foster carers who take any and all children who need temporary placement for whatever reason. You see fostering and adoption are entirely different things and this was not discussed in the news item about this case. A child can be placed with any available and suitable carer and their ethnicity or religion is a lesser consideration than the safety and security of the child.
Blue Bear was removed from his birth family late at night and taken to his foster carers' home. He was their first foster child and they loved him like their own. They are a Muslim family and the women wear the hijab. The children they are currently fostering are of south east asian descent and have been with them for over a year. The family make food that the children like, they speak to them in English and the girls are very attached to their foster family. When we meet up it is clear to us that they are in the best place until a permanent solution can be found for them.
The Times news story does no one any favours. It will not encourage Muslim families to apply to adopt so as they will feel they are under additional scrutiny and their motives will be questioned. The children who have been placed in local authority care will wait even longer as approved foster carers who are capable of providing a home for them will have to prove they are not 'indoctrinating' the children in their care. I've talked - often and at length - about why placing children based on religion or ethnicity is flawed at best. This is just a new and ridiculous spin on an age old problem of society finding ways to demonise people who care for children in care. The children who are already below the radar and have often experienced loss, trauma and separation before they are placed with people trained and trusted to help them.
The question of payment came up on the radio interview. Yes foster carers do get paid. I know quite a few of them now and believe me they are not paid nearly enough for the work they do and the care the provide. These are the people who have to try and explain when birth parents don't show up for long planned meetings with their children. They are the ones who might have their homes trashed, their belongings stolen and even be physically harmed by the children in their care. They are there to pick up the pieces - sometimes literally - when things don't work out for the children and they are there to advocate for them. All the while they continue to keep the children safe and produce detailed reports for the local authority. They undergo training, aseessment and ongoing checks all the while they are looking after vulnerable children. When it is time to move the children on the foster carers are not consulted or involved in decision making. I know from personal experience that they know the children far better than a social worker who visits once a fortnight (if that).
If you detect that I sound angry then you're damn right. I am furious. This kind of irresponsible reporting and doctoring of photos to prove a non existent point does nothing to help children in foster care. It does even less to address the chronic shortage of foster carers in this country. The Muslim carers who looked after my boy before he came to us are the most precious link we have to his past. They took him in at the most traumatic time of his life and they stayed up and held him close when he screamed at night. They taught him how to play with toys and to make eye contact and to trust people. They helped this little boy to become the happy and loving child we met and adopted. The appearance of the mother and the food they ate or the language they spoke are completely irrelevant. It is because they fostered him that we are able to call Blue Bear our son.
Shame on anyone who believes that the religion of a foster carer has any bearing on their capacity to care for a vulnerable child.
In recent weeks I've seen some adorable photos on facebook of older siblings lovingly holding their new baby sister or brother. These 'meet the newborn' poses are often heartmelting. It was while I had my head tilted to the side admiring one such photo that I had a revelatory thought. My boys never had that.
The loving, unconditional love of a new baby in the family, the big brother holding his baby brother gently and kissing his head. Those magical moments when the older child gets to meet and love his sibling and still know he's just as loved as he always was. It just didn't happen that way for us.
We had a run up to the boys meeting, but it was nothing like as long as 9 months and it wasn't as cosy as showing a scan pic and choosing baby things. We showed Brown Bear a photo of a 9 month old a while back and then after we'd met him we showed him up to date photos before they met. We had no idea what he would bring with him so we didn't know if we should buy toys, clothes or bedding.
It wasn't a case of bringing home a baby and starting from day one. By the time Blue Bear came to us he was walking, he was eating solid food and he had formed family relationships with his foster carers. My boys met at the foster carers' home. They were lovely and kind, but it was strange to meet our son then go home without him. Brown Bear couldn't make sense of it either, but we tried to explain that he would come and live with us soon.
Most siblings don't meet this way. With the exception of step children most siblings share a home from an early age and their introductions are more organic than this was. We had spent so much time preparing Brown Bear for his baby brother, but what he met wasn't a baby at all. Blue Bear was a walking, grabbing, opinionated toddler and he had no reason to want to live with us.
Of course he had seen photos of us and the foster carers had tried to prepare him for our introductions by talking about us to him. When we met he went over and pointed at photos of us in the photobook to show he recognised and knew us from there. We had tried to do the same with Brown Bear showing him photos of his new brother and he was excited and nervous to meet him.
Brown bear was ready to love his brother, but Blue Bear didn't want to be loved by him.
He didn't want to be loved by any of us. He was happy where he was and when we dropped him home after his first all day visit it felt like leaving a part of myself behind as we handed him over the doorstep to his foster family. He was always pleased to see us, but he was also delighted to be 'home' again.
It has taken a long time for all of us to become a family. Longer than I think I realised it would take.
For the boys it's been a struggle for place in the family - they were both only children and suddenly they had to share everything including parental love. There have been arguments and fights and tears as they have both asserted their authority and tried to show each other who is in charge. It has only been in the last few months that Blue Bear has conceded that he loves and admires Brown Bear. In the same way Brown Bear is fiercely loyal to his baby brother and has found that having a small noisy shadow can have its advantages.
Brown Bear is an early riser, up before the sun - always has been. Blue Bear is going to be a 3 coffees before you talk to me kind of man. For a while in the summer holidays Brown Bear would go in to wake up his brother to play with him at 6am. Blue Bear would go along with it as he wanted to be with his brother so badly and then he'd collapse in a tearful, exhausted heap by 10am. Neo trained Brown Bear to bring him biscuits and has now trained Blue Bear to open the front door to let him out for a wee in the mornings. He's like the Gallagher brother that no one sees.
For the first year of their life as brothers we didn't have any of those unconditional love photos. What we are starting to have now are genuine brotherly love photos instead. Ones with a smile or a shared joke and arms round each other for a few seconds before one of them annoys the other one and they are bickering again.
I don't have those endearing photos of their first meeting. What I do have is the knowledge that these boys have grown to love each other not just 'because.' The love they have is borne of honesty and bravery - from both of them.
I grumble about my boys, but I must miss them when they're not with me. I'm instantly drawn in by any sound or squeak from a tiny person and often I can be found chatting away to a pre-verbal infant when I don't have to wrangle my own into not falling onto the train tracks. I took Brown Bear to stay with my parents yesterday and Blue Bear went to watch the football with Hubbie this afternoon, so I took the opportunity to go and have my hair done. I know proper 'me time,' not just the mad dash to get everything done between dropping them off and picking them up. On the way to the salon I saw a little girl with her parents waiting for the same train as me and chattered away at her as she squeaked back at me. On the way home I popped into Waitrose (shuttup, I'm addicted) and I did my usual wide-eyed, 'does your sock taste nice ?' schtick with another baby girl in Waitrose. As I was walking off I heard an older woman comment, "your baby is beautiful. She has your eyes." The mum smiled appreciatively.
It's unlikely that anyone would say that to me. Both my boys have beautiful eyes, but they are clearly not from my side of the family. I was telling mother-in-law the other day about the time when a mum from school asked - entirely innocently - why Blue Bear has blue eyes when Brown bear has light brown eyes.
"Well, he's got them from Grandpa, obviously."
Said mother-in-law, suspiciously swiftly for a woman who can't hear the oven timer. I hadn't even considered that response. You see my eyes are dark brown and Hubbie's are, well we've no idea really, but they range from green to grey. Of all questions I prepared myself for this was not one of them. As a result I didn't have anything in the locker and just launched straight into it,
"Oh that's because he's adopted."
I'm not sure if the surprise was genuine, as I had assumed that another mum from our class would have mentioned it to her by now. Anyway, it gave me pause for thought as my reaction was a lot milder than when people first asked me about him and it felt like I was being interrogated at every turn. Maybe I've mellowed into the adoptive parent role.
I'm also working on my birth parent role - which I neglected when Blue Bear first arrived as I was so concerned that he fit in. I've been talking to Brown bear about caring and treating his brother with kindness. We spoke about how he hadn't always been cared for that well and that was why he was placed in a foster family. Introducing the concept of why children are adopted has been pretty tricky. In the car the other morning, just before I dropped him off at playscheme, he asked,
"Why didn't his foster family care for him ?"
"Blue Bear's foster family loved him very much. You saw that yourself."
I said.
"His first mummy - the one whose tummy he grew in - sometimes didn't look after him, feed or wash him."
I wanted to be careful to not portray her too negatively, but I also don't want to sugar coat it - or lie. We talked about what foster carers do and why children might be placed with foster families. Brown Bear seemed genuinely interested in finding out more about it so I tried to talk in an age appropriate way about it. I see this as part of the process that will eventually lead to telling Blue Bear how he came to be in our family.
Oh and the other day Brown bear asked me if next time we can get a baby girl so he can have a sister. I said, "Ask Daddy."
A year ago we were preparing for Baby Boy to come and live with us permanently. We took the cot out of the loft and made it up with nice sheets. We picked some suitable bedtime story books and soft toys to help him get to sleep at night. I collected a high chair for him to use and put the toddler cutlery into the drawer.
On each visit over the previous week we had picked up some of his things so we already had his clothes, toys and some of his favourite snacks. The space in our home that we had made for this little boy was ready. It was real and it was about to happen.
The day itself we were advised to keep things quick and not to linger too long so that he wasn't too upset by it. All of the foster family had already said their goodbyes. As we went to pick him up the teenagers were standing outside the room visibly upset. We asked if they wanted to hug him before we left, knowing that this would be sad, but they all needed closure too. I'm not sure he understood quite what was going on as he was passed around.
I knew it was going to be emotional. How can you care for a baby and watch him leave to go and live with other people ? The foster carers always knew he was going to live with a 'forever family,' but the reality of him going was never going to be easy. He was the first baby they had cared for and who they had prepared for permanency. They were protective of him and keen to see that he went to the perfect home.
What I wanted to tell them that day was what I know now:
You've done an amazing job with him. He has learned to trust, to play and he shows affection.
The good eating habits he has have come about thanks to you cooking him good food.
We won't ever let him forget how important you have been in his early life. At a time when it was crucial that he was cared for and loved you were there for him.
He did miss you at first. Of course he did. How could he not when he had lived with you for so long.
That first night when you sent me a message late at night asking if he was ok, it helped so much to know you were there.
As we left that day Big Boy handed over a picture of 'Auntie and Uncle' that he had drawn. We all smiled awkwardly as we headed for the door. There were tears in Auntie's eyes and I wrapped my arms around her with Baby Boy still in my arms.
"Thank you." I whispered into her ear with tears filling my eyes.
"You're his Mum now." She whispered back to me.
We hugged each other tightly until Baby Boy wriggled in discomfort.
