My little boy blue

Blue Bear has started at Brown Bear's school. He is in the nursery and his brother is in year 2. He already knows some of his classmates who also have siblings in the school and the teachers are also familiar. On the first day the boys rode their scooters to school and parked them next to each other in the stand outside the school office. Brown Bear took his brother's hand and walked him to the nursery gate. Blue Bear walked off without even saying bye. It was about the best first day I could have imagined.

I can't believe that he's old enough for school already. That he walks in and hangs up his book bag on a peg with his name and photo on it. He can get a cup of water and knows where to put the dirty cups after having a drink. That he eats lunch at school - even if he never remembers what he ate - and is big enough to choose what he wants and to feed himself. At hometime he comes out and asks for his scooter and a snack and races his friend round the quad while we wait for his brother to come out of class.

My helpful little boy 

This little boy who was nervous, emotional, almost wordless and struggled to sleep has transformed before our eyes. Blue Bear is a teenager in tiny form. He is not an early riser so while Brown Bear is awake at dawn and wide awake and 'on' from the minute his eyes open Blue Bear is a "don't talk to me before I've had a black coffee" kind of guy. I often go in to wake him up and he rolls over and says he wants to stay in bed. After school Brown Bear is tired and winding down from his day and Blue Bear is just warming up and at maximum cheekiness. One of them wants to sit quietly and relax after school and the other is prodding his brother to elicit and reaction.

On the one day he doesn't go into school I take Blue Bear out to do fun things with me and the other day we invited his little friend to join us. Her mum said they couldn't do it that day, so I asked if she would like a face to face video chat instead. I can honestly say watching two 3 year olds video chatting is the cutest thing ever. They were just adorable and I found myself marvelling at his social and conversational skills. Later in the week the two of them were eating popcorn and watching a DVD together at our house and making small talk. He was so kind and thoughtful and when she left to go home he gave her a cuddle and thanked her mum for bringing her over. He did sit on her brother first though.

I watch my little boy these days and I see his personality emerging. Now he's coming out of the shadow of his big brother I see a funny, caring, clever boy. Ok I would say that - I am his mum after all. It warms my heart and makes me feel that we're getting something right.

I hope he feels the same way.

It's not about you

When anyone asks me about adoption it's usually about why we chose to do it, how hard was it for us, is it what we had expected. I understand why these are the questions that get asked, but what I want to say to anyone who is thinking about adoption is pretty simple. "It's not about you." I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is the honest truth. When it comes to a child being placed with a family it's entirely about what is best for the child. Whether your home is the most suited to them, your family equipped to manage whatever challenges they may bring. The process is to ensure that the child's needs will be met by you. It's not about you choosing a child who 'fits' with you.

As friends of ours are in the process of meeting their new child and getting to know her I thought I'd share some of the things that we've learned in getting to know Blue Bear.

Even though we have a son already we don't compare the two boys and at what age they do things.

We are taking it at his pace and listen when he tells us he's not ready. Then we work with him on what he can do.

Allowing him to tell us when he feels he wants to try means he doesn't feel frustrated or like a failure. 

We encourage him to help feed Neo. In return Neo lies with him and keeps him company sometimes. They are learning to care for each other and have become great friends

Nurturing his love of animals both at home and when we are away. He has learned to be kind, caring and gentle with animals.  

Trust - in everything. It's a lot to ask of a small child to trust you when he doesn't know you, but with time it does come.                                                 

Trying new foods and finding out which ones he doesn't like has been a learning experience. His firsts aren't always successful, but that's ok.

Repeating things he likes. From parks he likes, to programmes he loves and foods he enjoys. 

The basics are pretty universal though. The stuff you know about parenting, but that can seem so loaded and difficult with a child who is new and not entirely sure about you. Before you really feel like his family to him.

Being there when he cries at night. Every time, even when it seems it won't ever stop. He still needs to know that someone is there. 

Hugging him. At first he didn't want to be hugged and didn't hug back either. Again, it takes time and it's something he loves to do now. 

Putting on a plaster. Maybe there is nothing there, but the simple act of doing this shows we notice he's hurt and that we care.  

Holding his hand. His tiny little hand - and knowing when to let it go.  

Letting him try things - mostly because his big brother is doing them - all the while keeping him safe. 

Letting him be angry. Even when it's hard to witness and even harder to be on the receiving end. 

Not taking things personally. This is big. It isn't easy and as he gets older I suspect this is one I'll have to engrave somewhere so I don't forget it.

Showing him how to love (and be loved). By us, by his brother, by Neo by our parents.

After all that's what it comes down to isn't it ?