Book review: We are Family

When we first adopted Blue Bear he was very young and didn't talk much. He did, however have a love of books and enjoyed listening to stories. We had always read to Brown Bear and he loved books, so I was keen to share a love of reading with Blue Bear too. I found that there are a lot of special books about adoption, but didn't necessarily want to focus on just one experience. 

I am keen that books are inclusive of all kinds of people so when I received this book to review I was delighted. We are Family tells the story of 24 hours in the life of eight different families. Each of them has their own routines, but the overarching theme is that families love and care for each other. It's great to see characters of different ethnicities depicted in a picture book and to get a sneaky glimpse of how other people live. It's like peeking behind the curtains of your neighbours, only for children. 

This is a beautifully illustrated book with the story told in gentle rhymes that encourage restful sleep and happy dreams. Ryan Wheatcroft is the illustrator and Patricail Hagarty is the writer. There is so much detail in the pictures that I think you would see new things on each re-reading. It would make a lovely gift and I can see this becoming a firm favourite in our house. 

We are Family is published by Little Tiger on January 11th. 

A crazy little thing called love

Blue Bear woke up crying and upset this evening. He was shaking and incoherent so I talked to him softly and held him until he calmed down. As I tucked him back into bed I reassured him that Mummy and Daddy are here to protect him and take care of him. Brown Bear chimed in to say that if Blue Bear cries he will rush in to look after his brother too. This from a boy who wasn't feeling all that well himself either, but seeing his brother upset he stepped up. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

Love is being not saying. Even though Blue Bear now says, "Bye Daddy. Later. Wuv yoo." as he leaves for work (Hubbie, not my baby boy) and it's the cutest thing ever, it's not necessarily the gold standard of expressing love in this house.

Maybe it's because I'm raising boys, but I'm not exactly overwhelmed with declarations of love every day. Instead I value the slight and almost imperceptible acts of love.

A hug when I'm not expecting it - Blue Bear was sitting next to me on the sofa the other day and he leaned over and gave me a hug then sat back down on his side. 

Random notes telling me nice things - after sitting with Brown Bear one morning and drinking a cup of tea while he ate breakfast (something I never get to do usually) he wrote me this note:

Being nice to the cat - both my boys respond to Neo's pleading for food with an immediate proffering of cat food or biscuits. Tonight Brown Bear whispered, "Mummy let me show you where Neo is hiding." He was under the rocking chair and Brown Bear was delighted to have the cat in his room.

There are days when it's just too tiring. The running around, the picking up boy socks, the smells. Oh my the smells. Some days it's hard to feel love never mind show it. 

Then one of the boys will do something lovely and it's all ok. I think they get it from their Father. 

Adoption Week: So, was it worth it ?

It's my final post about adoption this week and I've decided that having written about the trials and tribulations, the challenges and the worries today would be about the rewards. I have talked to many people who've said, "we thought about adoption..." and it kind of drifts off. I'm not judging how anyone had their family. How you had your kids is your business. It's not a competition and I'm not about to win any awards for parenting. I'm doing my best, just like you. We happen to have come to adoption as a result of intention and circumstances.

So, once we've got past all the other stuff the question is always something along the lines of, 'was it worth it ?' I think this is about the perceived effort, the assessment, the waiting, the settling in, the not knowing. It's a lot to answer.

The biggest part of adoption is being an advocate for my child, in a legal sense, but also on a day to day basis I'm the one standing up for him. As well as being his parent I'm his protector - that is what adoption gives a child. It's not about a home or toys, or nice clothes. It's having someone who will talk to the parent of another child when they aren't being nice. Knowing that you are not on your own if you're feeling sad, scared, excited. Someone who will care that you don't like the dark. Who will pop in after you've gone to sleep and turn down the dimmer, just enough to help you sleep, but not so much you are scared if you wake up in the night.

For my son it's knowing that someone cares about him and wants the best for him. I'll be at the end of the phone when he's an adult and he rings to ask how to set his heating system or where to get a new tyre - just like my Mum has been for me. I'll tell him how to cook his favourite meal, "are you cooking for someone special ?" I'll enquire, "no, nobody, nothing, never mind," he'll say. He knows he can ring Dad and ask for a loan (yeah good luck with that son) or tell my sister when he's done something he is too worried to tell us about.

Adoption gives a child a family, security, someone to shout at and to be angry with. He has a safe space to have all the feelings with people whose love is all consuming and who won't walk away when it's too difficult or painful. When he has his heart broken he knows we are here to dispense hugs, cups of tea and his favourite biscuits. When the hurt is so much that it feels unbearable I will hold him (emotionally and physically) for as long as it takes.

Now that he is in this family my son has grandparents who spoil him and have pictures of him everywhere because they love him. He has a cousin and aunties and uncles who adore him. He also has a cat. Neo quite likes him too.

My boy and my cat.

We are here to celebrate his successes, to champion his ambitions, to laugh at his jokes (even the really lame ones) and to tease him when he's being daft. To notice when he is doing something new and bragging about it. Only yesterday I asked a rhetorical question and he said, clear as a bell, "I don't know." You could have thrown tennis balls into my mouth it was so wide in shock. He spoke in a full sentence.

We're the ones with mobile phone memories creaking with photos of him from every single day since he's been with us. The ones who notice the milestones, we see and record and remember. When he does something amazing I'm the one beaming, "that's my son there."

So, was it worth it ?

A million times yes. I can't believe you even have to ask.

It's Adoption Week so I've been writing about adoption every day.

To find out more about adoption week take a look here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/nationaladoptionweek/

Only 42 days to go... and counting.

Before the boys finished school for the summer I had all these great plans. I would be at home with them and take them swimming and we'd do arts and crafts and maybe some baking. I'd be at home with them for lazy days and we'd go out for some active days. I even mentioned that we might go into London and maybe meet Hubbie for lunch as he works so close to the science museum.

Then we had the holiday week in Cornwall. Somewhere we've been before that is perfect for kids and that our boys have loved in the past. The whole week Brown Bear was just awful and argumentative and obstructive and... well just horrible. We took him on the feed run and he refused to join in. I took him surfing and despite having a great time he complained afterwards that he hadn't enjoyed it at all. When we got back from our holiday I took him to a movie preview screening and he loved it, but still insisted that he wasn't having a good time. I almost gave up, but took him to the Transport Museum (we were close to Covent Garden anyway) and he seemed to be ok with that. Until we got home and it all started again. 

Then Blue Bear started and would spend most of the day screaming and biting his brother. Badly. He left teeth marks and drew blood. It was horrific. The screaming and laughing as they chased each other around playing turning into screaming and crying as Blue Bear ran off and Brown Bear enacted a death scene from Saving Private Ryan. Blue Bear can be every bit as trying as his brother, but he's small enough to pick up and move if he's unruly.

It would be fair to say that I did not enjoy the beginning of our time together at home.  

I've been home with the boys for two weeks now and my throat is sore from threats and my eyes are stinging from all the tears I've cried at how useless I am at this. There are parents who home educate their children and are with them all the time. Why can't I be with mine for the time they are off school and nursery ? What does it say about my inability to parent these demanding petulant aggressive children ? 

So, I have admitted defeat. Yep, two weeks into being at home with my own children I have decided to outsource them for the holidays. I'm not going to bake, or take him swimming (again) and I won't be thinking of nice parks to go to or creative lunches for us to enjoy. No day trips to museums and impromptu visits to meet Daddy for lunch. From today the boys are taking a packed lunch and going to a playscheme where I know they will play with friends and run around enjoying sports and fun activities.

And what will I do ? I will catch my breath. Sit and watch TV if I want to, switch on the radio and do chores if I want to or just lie down if I want to. I feel broken already. Like a big old parenting failure. What is it about me that I can't even take care of my own children without it overwhelming me and making me feel like I wish I wasn't with them ?

Whatever it is I'm counting down the days until they are back at school and nursery.

Only 42 days to go.

Wish me luck.