Farewell 2018 Holla 2019

Things I did for the first time in 2018:

Trained for and ran a half marathon - I did it in just over 3 hours.

Cut off all my hair and donated it to a cancer charity.

Had a mammogram - it was fine, just a bit daunting really to be old enough to require one !

Went back to work full time after being at home with my kids for years - that was a bit of a shock to all of us.

Challenges I faced in 2018:

Spent more time in hospital waiting rooms than I would like.

Shed more tears than I knew possible, not always at the right time or in the right place.

Apologised for my feelings and myself and for things I cannot control. Too often.

Gave my time and energy to others who needed support - it helped me avoid my own stuff.

Saying no when I needed to rest.

Wanting to do everything and to see everyone and to be everywhere.

Promises I want to keep in 2019: 

Take better care of my health.

Train for and run another half marathon (in under 3 hours if possible).

Swim regularly again.

Eat well and cook proper food.

Look after myself and get more sleep.

Prioritise myself some of the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - I WISH YOU HAPPINESS, HEALTH AND PEACE

Sugar Free Me - no really

For reasons I don't quite understand I have signed up for Sugar Free February. It's to raise money for charity so there is a purpose besides punishing myself. You see I have a ridiculously sweet tooth. When people say they don't really like chocolate I'm not entirely sure what that means. It's like when someone describes themselves as 'not really a dessert person." Who are these people exactly ? 

We're drawn to sweet tastes as children and when I was weaning Brown Bear I was told that he would naturally eat sweet foods so to encourage a broader palate I should offer savoury foods and strong flavours such as spinach and olives. He loved both. I also offered him a variety of textures like homemade houmous and roughly mashed banana with weetabix. Despite my best efforts he still prefers sweet foods, loves chocolate and will pretty much jump through hoops for Haribo. Which funnily enough is also what he does after he's eaten them too. 

So the point of this post is to explain quite how much of a challenge it is for me to give up sugar. I pretty much dream about sugary foods. I think about them when I'm not eating them. As I sat in the theatre last night I was contemplating whether to have a blueberry muffin or a cherry one when I got home as a last sugary treat* Yes that's right. As TV hunk Clive Mantle was acting his 6 foot something self in front of my very eyes I was thinking about cake. I'm not even sorry. Ok, I'm a bit sorry. I'm not entirely sure that's even normal. 

When I'm swimming I'm thinking about what I will eat when I finish. I sometimes have a sense memory of a creme caramel that I particularly loved. I don't actually eat those things afterwards, but it's what goes through my mind when I exercise. In face I really only keep fit so that I can eat without guilt. If I didn't exercise at all I'd pretty much live on cardboard. 

Ok, I can live without dessert and I rarely order it when we eat out as I don't often see something that appeals to me enough. However, knowing that I can't order it means that I will suddenly find everything on a dessert menu sounds delicious - even if it has custard in it. Honestly whoever created custard has a lot to answer for. All my boys love it so I have to buy it, but I can't even bear the smell. Years ago I watched a Paul McKenna show where he suggested visualising something you loathe covering the thing you want to stop eating. For me that would be custard poured on chocolate. It's not for nothing that the title of this blog has the word chocolate in it. 

Anyway, I think I have convinced you of how hard this month will be for me. Not least as I will be following it with a month without chocolate for the British Heart Foundation. Either I will kick my sugar addiction completely or I will have keeled over into a mountain of sweet stuff before then. I  hope it's the former. 

If you would like to sponsor me at Sugar Free Swazi that would be absolutely amazing. Wish me luck !! 

*I had half of each and shared the other halves with Hubbie

How are you ? Oh, wait, don't tell me.

You know when you ask someone how they've been and they say something like, 'fine' or 'not bad' - unless they're not British, in which case they might take you literally and actually tell you. Well, I had one of those unexpected conversations when it became a bit too informative for my comfort. I mean it started out as a casual reference to having been hospitalised a while back so later in the conversation I said, "so what were you in hospital for ? Unless you don't want to talk about it." See what I did there ? I gave them an out while also implying that if it was a bit personal / icky it was not to be shared.

Now, bear in mind I've had a few friends who've had proper serious health issues over the years. One friend who came back from death - which would make her a zombie I guess, but I'm not going to tell here that you said that. Ok, I'll back up a bit here, her heart stopped, while in an ambulance with paramedics who had the paddles that brought her back to life. When I spoke to her afterwards she described it as an 'incident.' Then there's the friend who survived breast cancer and when we talked about it she would say, 'when I was unwell.' Understatement and brushing over it to get back to talking about shoes and shampoo is the done thing with my friends really. So when this chap went into great detail using words like 'gouge' and gave a visual representation of how much was removed - honestly - it was a bit disconcerting.

I think it must be a man thing though. My father-in-law will happily share his medical woes - in great detail - with anyone who is within hearing distance. This isn't so bad unless he's referring to body parts I don't want to hear about or functions I'd rather not discuss. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not a prude. Heart friend and I have had very detailed conversations about very personal matters. Breast cancer friend (I don't call them that to their faces of course) and I have barely any secrets having shared the trials and tribulations of infertility with each other. Maybe it's the ickiness in the detail of boy parts going wrong that surprised me. I mean aren't men supposed to be circumspect about sharing intimate details ?

Maybe it's me. I find myself listening to my hairdresser's problems and asking them if they're going on holiday. When I'm with the doctor or dentist they end up telling me about their stress. I've been known to have long intense discussions with people known for not talking and I recently counselled my own manager about work life balance. I clearly have a look that says, "Welcome, tell me what ails thee." 

What I'm not trying to do is put my friends off from talking to me about important things. After all I've had a baby, so to be honest I've seen my fair share of icky too. Instead, I've created this handy guide to help manage future conversations that could go out of control. To make things simpler I've suggested some acceptable answers to common questions:

1.
Me: How are you ?
You: Fine thanks, you ?

2.
Me: Oh that's a shame.
You: It is, mustn't grumble

3.
Me: Did you have a nice holiday / weekend ?
You: Yes thank you.

4.
Me: Are you better now ?
You: Marvellous, thanks for asking.

I'm glad we had this little chat :)

Do something amazing and save a life

I'm always banging on about blood donation and how important it is, but to show you how easy and non-scary it is I thought I'd take some pics while I was giving blood this evening. Honestly it's really simple to book, you can do it online and there are sessions all over including in local church halls and some workplaces too. I went to a local church where they have a regular session every few months.

When you arrive you will be greeted and asked to read a booklet explaining what happens and what the restrictions are on giving blood - this can also be checked online to save a wasted journey. If you are at all nervous or if it's your first donation this is the time to say so as they will make sure you are taken care of and that you're not put off. I am not a fan of needles, but they are very professional staff who make it as painless and simple as possible.  Once you're booked in you will be asked to wait so bring a book in case it's busy.






You will be called up to have a pinprick test which will determine if you are able to donate blood during your visit. If not they will explain why and you may be referred to your GP for further tests to ensure you are well. Otherwise you will be directed to wait until called up.

While waiting you should drink plenty of water to help the blood flow - it is a good idea to stay well hydrated during the day before you attend a session too.








When there is a free chair the donor carer will call you over and prepare your arm and make sure you are comfortable. The chair lies back flat and you can pretty much relax while it all goes on - this evening my donation took under 5 minutes so it's not a long process at all. They will ask you to sit and rest before you go so that there is no risk of you fainting and if they are in any way concerned about you they will make you wait until you are fully well before leaving.

Now the best bit of donating - the tea and biscuits !! The only time I eat full fat crisps is after I give blood and it's kind of medicinal so I don't feel bad about it at all. You can also book your next appointment while you are having a drink and snack so that you don't have to think about it. They will send you a letter of confirmation by post so it couldn't be simpler.


I go on about giving blood because so many people who could donate don't. Blood stocks run low at this time of year, but the need does not so the blood transfusion service really do appreciate every donation. It took under an hour for me to donate this evening so time is no excuse.

My boy got this lovely sticker. I want him to grow up knowing how important it is to do something that could save a life.

If you would like to find out more or to find a local donor session please go to www.blood.co.uk

Thank you :o) 

It's like invasion of the body snatchers

About a month ago I decided to get my hair cut shorter. It's been quite long since before I had my boy and I fancied a change so I had more than half of it chopped off. I love it, it's much handier to style and I've now got the hang of using far less shampoo and conditioner so I'm not left rinsing it out for hours. The strange thing was that only two people noticed and commented. It made me paranoid as I was convinced that meant that it looked terrible.

I don't mean I was fishing for compliments. I mean I was surprised that no one seemed to notice. If someone has changed their hair I will mention it, but I might say, "you've had your hair cut shorter, it suits you" rather than, "your hair looks lovely" if it doesn't - after all if you think someone looks rotten you won't say so will you ?

At university I had quite bad acne that I was sure people stared at. I was convinced that if someone was looking at me it was that they were staring at my blemishes. If you ask anyone I knew then if they recall my appearance they normally mention my very long hair and obsession with shoes rather than my (mostly imagined) hideousness. I've realised that a lot of people don't notice at all - they just don't look at faces or features. I notice things about people. I look at their appearance when I talk to them, but you have to choose when to tell someone they look tired - it's just not polite, so I'd err on the side of never.

I rarely look in mirrors these days so I have no idea what I look like. I manage to go whole days without looking at myself and use either the small mirror in the back of the sun visor of the car or a handheld mirror that is smaller than my lipstick to apply eyeliner and lippy. It isn't because I don't care, I just don't prioritise myself any more. I also have quite a low opinion of my appearance so I'd rather not have it confirmed by looking.

Once upon a time I used to go to the gym every day - sometimes twice a day. Admittedly I was single then and could only access the internet at the gym so I spent hours there and would go to kill time and being able to swim and exercise was a bonus. I was a lot fitter and took part in charity runs, did the Moonwalk one year and could walk up stairs without groaning about my knees. I trained to teach yoga and all the others on my course were slimmer and fitter than me so I dieted and lost weight and was the slimmest I've been as an adult.

Then I fell pregnant and my body changed. That was fine and I was delighted with my growing body as I was pretty sure I had the capacity to get my shape back, maybe not at my thinnest, but certainly slimmer than I am now. I tried everything that I was told, breastfeeding didn't make me slim, walking everywhere with my boy in a pram helped, but it didn't make me thin. And now my boy is three years old and I'm still avoiding mirrors as I don't want to see what I already know. That I am still not a 'yummy Mummy' and while others snap back into shape after making many babies I'm morphing into my aunties after having just the one.

My sister cursed me when I was pregnant by saying that I'd get fat and not be able to lose the weight - I laughed it off as I was sure she was wrong - she was right. All the women in my family are big and I spent my youth trying to keep fit to avoid the inevitable. Now I have creaky knees, a persistent shoulder injury and while I still exercise every day it's through gritted teeth. I do 100 stomach crunches every morning (VB does many more than that), but I'm not about to show off a washboard stomach any time soon.

Victoria Wood made a joke years ago about walking into the Body Shop and saying, "I'd like mine in a size ten please." I hear that.

Does anyone know where my body has gone and how I can get it back please ?  Mine appears to have been snatched !

Brush, rinse and spit: you know the drill

Gum disease ? What gum disease ? Oh the kind that used to cost me £70 every 3 months when I was with a private dentist and that my NHS dentist has told me is not an issue ? Now I'm not calling my previous dentist a crook, but the Ferrari parked in the drive, his holiday photos from the Caribbean and the fact that he mentioned his kids' private schooling should have been enough clues.

I was raised to look after my teeth as my parents take dental health very seriously. Unfortunately I grew up in the 1970s when dentists were paid per tooth and my parents owned a shop that sold sweets so I have a mouth full of fillings. Not the nice white ones, the horrid amalgam ones that fall out when you bite into a particularly crunchy apple and tingle when you accidentally eat the foil off a creme egg.

The other consequence of my parents' fastidiousness is that I have a tendency to overbrush my teeth so my gums are receding and I do have sensitive teeth as a result. This means I spend an inordinate amount on dental products and have been known to stockpile toothpaste when it's on offer. I have used Oral B electric toothbrushes for years (that ad campaign that claimed dentists use them has never really left me !) and when we were in America I was in seventh heaven as I could buy those fab dental floss harps in massive bags from Walgreen chemists.

You see when it comes to dental hygiene the stakes are too high to be shoddy in taking care of our teeth. It's not for nothing that losing your teeth in a dream is a sign of anxiety. I would hate to lose mine so I make sure I brush them twice a day with a good toothpaste and I have been ensuring my boy does the same since he's had more than two teeth in his head. I even buy Neo Dentabits that are supposed to help keep his teeth and gums healthy and improve his cat breath. I'm not risking tooth or gum loss for any of this family !!

Due to my gum issue and sensitive teeth I do seek out toothpaste that is designed for those particular problems. The lovely folks at Oral-B kindly sent me some Pro-Expert Premium Gum Protection toothpaste to try and it is very similar to the ones I already use. It does, however, taste quite different. It's not particularly minty - which I like - and it isn't overly foamy either. It does have a strong aftertaste though and I find if I try to eat or drink something soon after brushing my teeth it tastes odd. It does leave my teeth feeling fresh and clean though and I haven't had any sensitivity issues since I've been using it. That is my one non-negotiable for a good toothpaste so full marks from me on this alone.

I'd definitely use this toothpaste again as it ticks the most important boxes for me when it comes to dental care. Another handy (and not entirely necessary) benefit is that it matches my toothbrush :o)

This post is an entry for BritMums’ #ORALBLoveYourGums Challenge sponsored by Oral-B, promoting healthy gums – something especially important for pregnant women. Get tips and advice on www.oralb-loveyourgums.com.

Zestica fertility kit

If you're a regular reader you will know a little about the journey we had to take in order to meet our beloved boy. You may also have realised we've been trying for another for a while. I won't dwell on the details as friends & family reading this really won't want to know, but it's safe to share that seeing a lot of others who've gone on to have a second ( or more) has not been easy. I smile and congratulate them as it's churlish not to and they're probably not that keen to hear how we were so close and it didn't work out. No one wants to be a downer do they ?

Another kindly blogger who's had similar experiences and is now pregnant with her second (and I'm genuinely very happy for her) put me in contact with Zestica as they have launched a kit to assist couples who are struggling to conceive. The kit comes with two different gels in individual tubes and a set of ovulation tests. There is a calendar provided to help you work out when to use which product. 

The conception gels are used daily in the days leading up to ovulation and are designed to prepare you (the woman) to conceive. The ovulation kits help pin point when you ovulate so you can try on the most likely days. The fertility gels are to use on those days. Not to be too indelicate, but they're also for the woman and are supposed to help assist 'his' swimmers to Olympic standards. 

The timings are a little difficult to get the hang of at first, but the instructions do help. There is a reference to an online calendar which I was unable to find so I relied on charting the days on paper. There is, however, an issue with the lack of spontaneity in having to pop in a gel before you can have some 'grown up time.' 

I did not fall pregnant after using this kit, but I know that despite the stories you hear about things working first time they rarely do if you're already struggling to conceive. I was prepared to try shamanic healing, acupuncture and all manner of bizarre weirdness before we had our boy, so this is quite scientific in comparison. 

It's not entirely clear what the science behind it is, but I'm guessing that most people using it won't ask too many questions if it works for them. It's priced at £39.99 which isn't the priciest kit I've seen so it's reasonable value. You get enough gels & tests for one cycle so if you're having to try again a few times the costs could be quite substantial. 

If you're trying for a baby it is probably worth giving this kit a go. You will get a good idea how your cycle works (if you don't know already) and it's not that much of a hassle to use - aside from the spontaneity issue mentioned earlier of course.

You can purchase the kit from www.zestica.com and good luck !

Disclosure: I was sent this kit in order to write an honest review. No payment was received for this post. 

April Fooled out of my holiday

So remember how I had all those lovely plans for today ?

How I was going to do lots of things just for me ?

Well it went slightly differently from how I'd planned.

My boy woke up with gummy eyes, a puffy face and his rash hasn't gone away. So instead of the boys going to football we all went to the walk-in centre and from there onto children's A&E. It almost became the highlight of mine and the boy's day when Hubbie told us that Dr Ranj works there, but the nurse said he was off today. He was kind enough to tweet back a sad face when I said my son had missed seeing him and Nurse Suzanne and Dr Tim looked after us brilliantly. Thankfully the boy is ok, if a little whiney, and we have eye drops, banana medicine and he's off nursery tomorrow. I can't teach yoga in the morning, but I do get to spend some extra time with my boy. Of course wrestling the drops into his eyes 4 times a day won't be so easy with Hubbie back at work, but it's good exercise for me.

If my attitude towards this enforced family time sounds less than charitable bear this in mind. I plan my entire week around their activities. I do my radio show and teach yoga on days when the boy is at nursery. Every day I go to pick up Hubbie from the station so he can be home to "do bedtime" with his son. On a Saturday I no longer go to Zumba, but am "Mum Cabs" so that Hubbie can do his radio show between kiddie football and grown up football. When they are watching football in the afternoon I finally have a few hours to myself. Either I do my house chores in peace or I meet a friend for a late lunch. This week the boys did not go to football so I didn't get my few hours of peace. It doesn't sound much, but I look forward to that bit of time and it's my little oasis in the week.

I plan enough nice things for all of us to do together. We did our first family Easter egg hunt on Sunday morning and my son was delighted with his haul of goodies. Last week mother-in-law came to see us and we spent a lovely afternoon entertaining her. We took the boy to see my family and he kept them all amused too. The whole week was devoted to keeping everyone else happy.

Then at the end of it all his poor little body could take no more and he got ill. So this week is all about making him well. It's about rest and relaxation and play and fun.

Or as Dr Ranj sings, "Be Happy, Be Healthy, Get Well Soon."

World Aids Day

In the early nineties I was a volunteer with the Terrence Higgins Trust. I didn't know a great deal about HIV or AIDS and the first weekend I attended to find out more about volunteering I almost turned back at Warwick Avenue station to go home. I was so nervous about being all wrong for it as I wasn't sure if you had to be a man, gay or have a positive diagnosis in order to be a suitable volunteer. Thankfully I met some lovely, friendly staff and volunteers who reassured me that it was more important to be able to commit the time and to be interested in people. I met the most diverse group of people I'd ever met in the subsequent training sessions and in the years that followed I discovered the range of life experiences and challenges that others face.

I was a helpline volunteer and this involved taking calls on all sorts of issues, not giving actual advice, but listening. I spoke to men who had a positive diagnosis, those who had a partner living with HIV and men who had unprotected sex while abroad and who were worried they had risked themselves and their partner / wife. I don't recall women calling that often, if at all. 

Often a person called during the 'waiting period' between a test and a result (which used to be a few weeks) as it was so agonising leading to many calls seeking reassurance and support. If a caller was HIV positive they might call to find out more about networks of support in their area as London was so patchy in the provision of care for HIV and AIDS - what we now call the 'postcode lottery.'

During the nineties it was still considered a death sentence to have a positive diagnosis and as I learned more about the virus - well as much as it was possible to learn - it seemed impossible that one day people would live with effective drug treatment. My mentor was an HIV positive man whose drug regime was so complicated it baffled me. Then there were drug trials and reactions and contraindications some of which meant being excluded from future new drug developments. 

The picture now is very different. The profile of people living with HIV and AIDS in this country is not just gay men. To be honest it never was, but at one time they were the largest single group talking about it and dealing with it. The population of some African nations have been decimated by AIDS leaving orphans to care for their siblings and for a while the phrase 'you look fat' was a compliment as it meant you were not dying. I sometimes wonder if I were still a volunteer whether I would be taking calls from women, or children or young people. 

When I was at school we were told that AIDS would be a massive killer and we had to be aware of our sexual behaviour and the consequences of unprotected sex. This message was terrifying as it was in conjunction with the apocalyptic 'don't die of ignorance' TV advertising campaign including an ad with a Frankie Goes to Hollywood soundtrack (ironically now being used in a John Lewis commercial). This fear of a deadly disease seems to have dissipated over the decades and we now have an upsurge in STIs in young people presumably as using condoms is just 'so old fashioned.'

I've seen a great deal of change over the last twenty years including the merger of many smaller HIV/AIDS charities and improved drug treatment that means people can now live for 20-30 years and have a quality of life that is nothing like the depiction of Tom Hanks' character in Philadelphia which was the closest most people had come to HIV when the movie came out. 

None of this means that the fight for a cure or for better education is over. What it does mean is that World AIDS day can be a celebration of life as well as a memorial for those who have passed. 

If you want to get involved or find out more take a look at www.worldaidsday.org - it's not just one day. 

I am thankful for...

I'm not American, nor am I especially interested in celebrations that are American in nature, but I like the idea of giving thanks. Whether it's for a safe crossing and successfully displacing an already settled people or for a hot meal on the table I think it's a worthwhile exercise to consider what we have and to give thanks for it.

There are the big things we thank for - like family, health and happiness if we are lucky enough to have those. Then there are the small, but meaningful things like a lovely conversation with someone we don't see very often or a bargain that we weren't expecting to get. In my case having Hubbie at home for a few weeks has made me appreciate how lucky I am that the father of my son is so keen to be involved in his son's life and genuinely enjoys spending time with him (and me).

In the last few weeks I've found a few new things to be thankful for:

- The wonderful community of bloggers I've come to know and love who write beautiful things and share their thoughts publicly so I don't feel like it's just happening to me (about pretty much anything). It's also made me appreciate the women who support each other rather than get upset about the ones who try and bring other women down.

- My fellow presenters and lovely listeners who make me feel less like I'm talking to myself every Monday on www.croydonradio.com. The fact that I now have people asking to be guests on my show is wonderful. Today Robert Elms had a guest on who was on my show a few weeks back - I got him first and I'm feeling most smug about that :o)

- The lovely competition prizes I've won in the last few weeks meaning my son gets the Snowman on DVD for Christmas thanks to www.acupcakemum.co.uk and a lovely new baking book for me thanks to www.frankiesfancies.com. All without any cost to me - that's a bonus !

- Loyalty points schemes that I've quietly and diligently been saving with for months and thanks to which my son has an enormous garden playhouse (Tesco) and an electronic tablet thing (Boots) that we would never have bought otherwise. Hubbie has a leaf blower / vac thing (Nectar) that he's very pleased with and that means the whole back breaking task of leaf clearing is now less painful, but far noisier, more fun and he looks like a horticultural ghostbuster when he's using it.

The main thing I've come to be thankful for is that I have been doing this 'full time parent' thing for a while now and instead of feeling embarrassed or explaining it away I'm proud of my work as a Mum. In fact I've coined a term for it that reminds me of one of my favourite clothing companies:

The hardest day at home with my son beats the best day at work in an office (original 2012).