Bulletproof and other myths.

Over the years I've frequently been told I come across as 'bulletproof.' I'm not sure why that is - maybe I'm not meek enough to pass as a typical asian woman. My own mother doesn't pass as quiet so there's no hope that I would. As a kid I aspired to be like the beautiful actresses in movies with their downcast eyes and quivering lips. It was a look that said, "I am so innocent, but sexy too."

Meena Kumari 

The phrase, 'you're strong, you can handle it' has been levelled at me many times. The thing is while I might talk a good game and wear a t shirt that bears the legend 'Mother of dragons' I'm playing a part. Oh yes I will absolutely tear apart anyone who touches my kids. However, I'm equal parts Tiger Mama and terrified of everything mother.

Like most women of my acquaintance I've been called aggressive. I used to tell myself to be less outspoken. I'd wish I said less or just knew when to shut up. I tried to adhere to the adage, 'better be silent and thought a fool than speak and confirm it." Only I always had to say my piece. I still punish myself for speaking my mind. I go over the conversations in my head and think about all the ways it could have gone differently if I'd said less.

The distance between what I want to be and what I am is one I am trying to bridge. I've had to negotiate the transition from being someone's wife and knowing what that meant and where we were heading to a future without any certainty at all. Instead of seeing this a a bad thing I've decided to see this as freedom.

Anything is possible. I don't have the weight of anyone else's expectations on me any more. It is all up to me. I can choose. So what are the dreams and ambitions I have for myself ?

1. To do the things I love - that includes swimming in the sea and spending time with this lovely lady:

Gorgeous Pippa from Penzance :) 

2. Being sassy - full on flounce and attitude to match. Sequins optional:

Yass !! 

3. Celebrating my inner silly - actual total ridiculousness:

Check out the buns ! 

4. Never being afraid of my darker side. Embracing the pain and difficulty without it consuming me or taking over:

5. Using my voice for good. Sharing music, positive intentions and using the platform I have to do good for others:

Hey DJ !

6. Finally giving thanks. For the kind thoughts and deeds that others have directed towards me. Gratitude enables us to radiate love and kindness:

Very nearly an armful isn't so much

I've mentioned before how important it is to give blood: it's simple, it saves lives and you get tea and biscuits after you donate.

These three reasons alone should be enough to convince you surely ?

If not then how about these three:

• 2 million donations are needed every year in order to maintain stocks of blood
• That's 200,000 new donors every year
• 96% of people rely on the 4% of us who donate blood.

I first gave blood when I was at university. My friend Robin went with me as I was nervous and didn't like needles (I still don't). He sat and chatted to me while we waited to donate. After he'd donated he came and stood by my bed to keep me company while I did the same.

I will share the advice he gave that helped me. Tell them it's your first donation and that you are nervous / scared of needles / a big old baby. The staff who work for the blood donation service are amazing and very kind and reassuring.

Of course I've tried to persuade Hubbie to give despite his pathalogical fear of needles and the sight of blood (I have no idea how he coped with the birth of our son, but I guess adrenaline helped). So far he has made it as far as sitting on the chairs while I filled out the forms. I'm working on getting him to stay in the room long enough to join me for tea and biscuits.

It's National Blood Week this week: http://www.blood.co.uk/campaigns/national-blood-week/

If you already give blood - well done and thank you.

If you don't then please remember that some people can't donate so if you can please do think about it. 

I am thankful for...

I'm not American, nor am I especially interested in celebrations that are American in nature, but I like the idea of giving thanks. Whether it's for a safe crossing and successfully displacing an already settled people or for a hot meal on the table I think it's a worthwhile exercise to consider what we have and to give thanks for it.

There are the big things we thank for - like family, health and happiness if we are lucky enough to have those. Then there are the small, but meaningful things like a lovely conversation with someone we don't see very often or a bargain that we weren't expecting to get. In my case having Hubbie at home for a few weeks has made me appreciate how lucky I am that the father of my son is so keen to be involved in his son's life and genuinely enjoys spending time with him (and me).

In the last few weeks I've found a few new things to be thankful for:

- The wonderful community of bloggers I've come to know and love who write beautiful things and share their thoughts publicly so I don't feel like it's just happening to me (about pretty much anything). It's also made me appreciate the women who support each other rather than get upset about the ones who try and bring other women down.

- My fellow presenters and lovely listeners who make me feel less like I'm talking to myself every Monday on www.croydonradio.com. The fact that I now have people asking to be guests on my show is wonderful. Today Robert Elms had a guest on who was on my show a few weeks back - I got him first and I'm feeling most smug about that :o)

- The lovely competition prizes I've won in the last few weeks meaning my son gets the Snowman on DVD for Christmas thanks to www.acupcakemum.co.uk and a lovely new baking book for me thanks to www.frankiesfancies.com. All without any cost to me - that's a bonus !

- Loyalty points schemes that I've quietly and diligently been saving with for months and thanks to which my son has an enormous garden playhouse (Tesco) and an electronic tablet thing (Boots) that we would never have bought otherwise. Hubbie has a leaf blower / vac thing (Nectar) that he's very pleased with and that means the whole back breaking task of leaf clearing is now less painful, but far noisier, more fun and he looks like a horticultural ghostbuster when he's using it.

The main thing I've come to be thankful for is that I have been doing this 'full time parent' thing for a while now and instead of feeling embarrassed or explaining it away I'm proud of my work as a Mum. In fact I've coined a term for it that reminds me of one of my favourite clothing companies:

The hardest day at home with my son beats the best day at work in an office (original 2012).