I'm letting it all go

Wow, it's almost over. This year has been so long and so difficult and so very painful for many reasons. You will have noticed I haven't posted as much as I usually do. Partly that was due to my emotional state and partly because my MacBook came to the end of its days. I have new, shiny and absolutely beautiful kit (hence I am typing now) and it's time to deal with the other thing too. 

I started the year on a high having had a fantastic skiing holiday with the boys and an almost stress-free Christmas. I don't enjoy Christmas. I wish I did, but I just don't. If I could just not take part it would make my life so much easier. Then a few days into the new year as I was driving to Lewes to do my first radio show of the year I found out my friend was ill. I had no idea how serious it was at that point. Then she died. I didn't know what to do so I went into doing mode and have been in that ever since. 

A lot of things fell by the wayside when this happened.

I stopped teaching yoga, then I just didn't practise yoga either. I also didn't meditate. I haven't been sharing my skill and I haven't been benefiting from it myself. 

The garden hasn't seen me at all. I love my garden and I haven't set foot in it all year. 

I've gone from someone who holds it all in and puts on a brave face to giving in to all my emotions all the time. I have apologised for my feelings more than I have ever known. I've been a wreck and yet I'm the one saying sorry to others for daring to not be ok so I can protect their feelings. This self indulgence has become boring to me and - I am sure - other people. 

The realisation has hit me that I really cannot rely on anyone else to take care of me. My well being is my responsibility. More than once this year I have been promised some support or help and it just hasn't materialised or it's been taken away from me at the last minute. If I want to to get a break it's up to me - no one else. 

I've been ill over Christmas. I have had to lie down and rest. It's given me time to think about what I should do next. 

So, I'm letting it all go.

The grief

The sadness

The fear

The need to apologise for my feelings

The relentless search for reasons. 

That is enough. Time to pull up the braces and roll up my sleeves. This is done with now.

I'm putting the brave face back on - no show of weakness means no risk of being taken down. 

The only way I can get better is if I protect myself. 

How are you ? Oh, wait, don't tell me.

You know when you ask someone how they've been and they say something like, 'fine' or 'not bad' - unless they're not British, in which case they might take you literally and actually tell you. Well, I had one of those unexpected conversations when it became a bit too informative for my comfort. I mean it started out as a casual reference to having been hospitalised a while back so later in the conversation I said, "so what were you in hospital for ? Unless you don't want to talk about it." See what I did there ? I gave them an out while also implying that if it was a bit personal / icky it was not to be shared.

Now, bear in mind I've had a few friends who've had proper serious health issues over the years. One friend who came back from death - which would make her a zombie I guess, but I'm not going to tell here that you said that. Ok, I'll back up a bit here, her heart stopped, while in an ambulance with paramedics who had the paddles that brought her back to life. When I spoke to her afterwards she described it as an 'incident.' Then there's the friend who survived breast cancer and when we talked about it she would say, 'when I was unwell.' Understatement and brushing over it to get back to talking about shoes and shampoo is the done thing with my friends really. So when this chap went into great detail using words like 'gouge' and gave a visual representation of how much was removed - honestly - it was a bit disconcerting.

I think it must be a man thing though. My father-in-law will happily share his medical woes - in great detail - with anyone who is within hearing distance. This isn't so bad unless he's referring to body parts I don't want to hear about or functions I'd rather not discuss. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not a prude. Heart friend and I have had very detailed conversations about very personal matters. Breast cancer friend (I don't call them that to their faces of course) and I have barely any secrets having shared the trials and tribulations of infertility with each other. Maybe it's the ickiness in the detail of boy parts going wrong that surprised me. I mean aren't men supposed to be circumspect about sharing intimate details ?

Maybe it's me. I find myself listening to my hairdresser's problems and asking them if they're going on holiday. When I'm with the doctor or dentist they end up telling me about their stress. I've been known to have long intense discussions with people known for not talking and I recently counselled my own manager about work life balance. I clearly have a look that says, "Welcome, tell me what ails thee." 

What I'm not trying to do is put my friends off from talking to me about important things. After all I've had a baby, so to be honest I've seen my fair share of icky too. Instead, I've created this handy guide to help manage future conversations that could go out of control. To make things simpler I've suggested some acceptable answers to common questions:

1.
Me: How are you ?
You: Fine thanks, you ?

2.
Me: Oh that's a shame.
You: It is, mustn't grumble

3.
Me: Did you have a nice holiday / weekend ?
You: Yes thank you.

4.
Me: Are you better now ?
You: Marvellous, thanks for asking.

I'm glad we had this little chat :)

Of mice & men (& cats)

I was sorting out the Christmas presents that I've bought so far into piles on the floor of the front room yesterday. I do this every year so I can see if everyone has roughly the same number - important when
you have siblings - and I always have far too many for Hubbie and the boy and a much smaller pile for my Dad. He has fewer despite having a birthday on Christmas Eve and it's because he has no hobbies or interests and is not the most gracious at receiving presents. I always buy him something, but long gone are the days when I tried to get things he'd like and now I make sure it's something he can use. As a family we used to always play safe and give him Baileys or whiskey and lots of chocolate, but a few years ago he was told he was diabetic so the 'safe' presents became anything but. It does lead to some genuinely unimaginative present choices like gloves on his birthday and a matching scarf on Christmas Day - which of course he says he doesn't need.

Anyway, the present sorting, then wrapping and transporting to give to various family and friends is an annual event so our cat has witnessed it for a few years now. That is the only way I can explain what happened this morning. Before I tell you the story you need to know some pertinent facts:

1. I am short-sighted, not badly, but enough for things to appear blurry if I'm not wearing glasses

2. From the beginning I believed Neo - the cat - was a buddhist with 'love all living things' attitude to life

3. There are a lot of leaves in our garden and when Neo comes inside the house he often has them stuck in his tail

So this morning I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea and getting some breakfast when I heard the cat flap clatter shut and heard Neo announce his arrival. I glanced over at him and said, "Morning Neo, been bringing in leaves again have we ? Ooh that's a big one isn't it ?" As I went to leave the kitchen the 'leaf' scurried past my foot. My screams alerted Hubbie (eventually) and he came down to deal with the matter still wet from the shower and holding his towel round him in one hand and - after some coaxing - the mouse in another. Then I remembered how he used to hide Neo's kills from me so that I would not be disabused of my insane belief in the cat's non-existent buddhism. They were in it together. Neo bringing in gifts and Hubbie taking them outside again.

So the cat is channeling his inner feline Santa and Hubbie is enacting a literal interpretation of Mice and Men.

Ho Ho Ho.