A reflection on time

Don't have time 

The one phrase that is guaranteed to annoy the hell out of me is, "I'm too busy." Not because I think it's not true. I trust that if someone has taken time out of their day to tell me they are busy they must really mean it. The reason it vexes me is because pretty much all of us have plenty enough to do. It's not a competition. Making time for others is my first choice. I might say I'm too busy if I don't want to do something, but it's unlikely.

In the nick of time 

On Sunday Brown Bear fell down the stairs. Well he almost did - in a moment of clarity that would have drawn appreciation from a ninja I caught him as he tumbled head first knocking the coats and a pot plant over as he went. Of course as soon as I'd checked he wasn't broken I shouted at him for falling - a panic response familiar to anyone who has looked after an accident prone child. He's still complaining that his elbow hurts, but since he was able to swim and play Sonic on the Sega Megadrive with Daddy yesterday after school I think it's a safe bet that he's going to be fine.

Before her time 

This phrase is so often used when someone passes away. It's true of so many and I'm still struggling to understand why my gorgeous friend died so young, so painfully and so quickly. I've listened as people have reassured me that it will make me value life more. That this happened for a reason and it will not have been for nothing. That her passing has given others the impetus to achieve in her name. For now, though, I'm still just very angry and sad. That's all I can cope with right now.

At the right time 

Our cat is getting old. He's on two pills - one for blood pressure and one for his kidneys and he has a special diet to support his weak kidneys. I know not everyone is soppy about animals and we do spoil him a bit as we are fortunate enough to be able to. As he gets frailer and spends more time indoors I want to make whatever time he has left with us happy and comfortable. It's the kind thing to do and he is one of the family. I can't think about a time when he won't be any more.

Time flies  

When I was a new mum everyone told me that the time would fly and before I knew it my Brown Bear would be a toddler and then a boy. I was advised when we adopted Blue Bear to write down my feelings and take plenty of photos because the memories would fade so quickly. I see them every day so I don't notice how much Brown and Blue have grown until it's startlingly obvious - like when they grow out of all their trousers at once. Recently I realised that Blue Bear is now confident, cheeky and outspoken. Brown Bear has a complicated social life with friends in different circles. I look at the photos and videos of them as babies and toddlers. Before Blue could speak, before Brown could walk. Before these little bears became brothers. They are my babies, yet I can already see the young men they will become. It really is happening so fast.

Take your time

I've always overextended myself and try to pack far too much into each day. I think it's because I don't like to let anyone down so I rarely say no to anything. Instead I end up trying to fit everything in and inevitably it leaves me tired and grumpy. I've spent the last year being schooled in how to practise 'self-care.' I'm still a work in progress at this. Spending time with Hubbie or with the children one to one has been a big change for me. Pacing myself and ensuring I also get enough rest is still a challenge though.

Quality time

The phrase does grate on me, but the sentiment behind it does not. It's often used to berate parents who are twitter shamed for being on their phones with a coffee cup in hand rather than playfully throwing their giggling toddlers into the air while expressing joy in the moment. A few years ago Hubbie asked me what I'd like for Mother's Day and I said I'd like him to take the boys to see Grandma. Friends and other mothers were horrified at my choice. I explained that I'm a Mum every day of the week and for just one day I wanted to just spend the day by myself. Last year I also booked a night away in a lovely hotel by myself. Now that is quality time for me.

Time is an illusion - Albert Einstein

The only thing on my birthday list that I really, really want is...

It's my birthday later this month and Hubbie has been asking what I would like as a present. He will also be asking on behalf of my lovely mother-in-law at some point. I'm so lucky to have received so many generous gifts over the years. Hubbie has given me beautiful jewellery, a flying lesson, beauty treatment vouchers, amazing meals out and so much more. Family have always been very kind too and I am throughly spoiled.

Most years we have a party / barbecue in the garden where we catch up with all the friends who we haven't seen all year and it's an excuse to wear a pretty dress and pop open some bottles of nice things to drink and for Hubbie to fire up the barbecue and do 'man cooking.' We have been so fortunate over the years that the weather has been lovely and we can spend all day outdoors with space for kids to run around and for adults to lounge and chat for as long as they like. The only down side is the washing up, but in recent years I've gone with paper plates so even that is sorted.

As I have been sorting and decluttering the house I've realised quite how much of everything we have. The kitchen gadgets that just don't get used - mostly because I've forgotten I have them - and the vast number of handbags that I couldn't possibly use. As a result I gave three bags of donations to my lovely neighbour today to take to the charity shop where she volunteers her time. I've freecycled as much as I can and have still more to go. The garage is a holding point for the items that have to go to the tip and I have a long term plan in my head of how to get it all sorted so that we have less junk and an actual functional home.

So, if I don't need any handbags, or clothes, or jewellery, or kitchen gadgets what is left ? Well, of course donations to charity are always welcome. Hubbie has kindly offered to treat me to hair and beauty the weekend before my birthday and we are taking the boys out on my actual birthday for a big bus tour in London. We adore buses and we all love London so it's a perfect day out for us.

However, I have also got one quite selfish request to make for my birthday this year. One that I hope will get some traction. I'd like the gift of time please. Yes, I'd like someone to give me some time out.

Me and Hubbie were given a voucher for a meal in a nice restaurant at Christmas. At the time I joked, "does it include babysitting ?" It wasn't a joke really. We haven't been able to use it yet and I don't know when we will. Hence he is going out to a gig on the evening of my birthday - I said it was ok - because it's unlikely we can go out together any time soon.

I'd love any of these vouchers:

"This entitles you to a child-free afternoon."

"With this voucher you can spend 3-4 hours doing anything you want knowing your children are in safe hands."

"Here is the gift of time - go on you deserve it."

I don't need anything else.

Well, maybe some cake. Yes, cake would be good.

Happy Birthday to me :)

A breakdown in the time / space continuum

I know that things are going wrong. I know this because in the last few days I've lost track of time and been late to get my son to a toddler birthday party which we knew about for months. In case you don't understand why this is important I should give you some background.

I grew up in a family that was always late for everything. My Dad seemed to think he was able to travel at light speed because if we had to be somewhere at 12 o'clock he'd leave at 5 to 12 regardless of how far it was from our house. In an indian family it's considered odd to be on time for anything so it was fine if we were visiting other indian people, but if it was anyone else we'd feel quite embarrassed as we'd get everywhere really late. As a result of this family history I was notoriously late all the time as I had no concept of being on time for anything. I would leave it too late to get somewhere then the sole would fall off my shoe so I'd have to go home and I'd be even later - yes this really did happen.

When I met my first husband I found out how annoying the tardiness really was. He would arrange to visit his mother and tell her we'd be there at 1pm (and not tell me he'd said that to her) then we'd leave our home at 1pm and he wouldn't even call her to say we'd be late. I'd have to call her and apologise for some made up delay that had occured and she'd be furious with us and rude to me on the phone. I resolved to try harder to keep better time and since then have been a stickler for timekeeping.

Hubbie comes from a family where his Dad would be sitting in the car on the drive waiting for everyone else to make sure they were always early for everything. When we invite our families over we tell the in-laws to come over at 1pm knowing they will arrive early and tell mine it's at 12 because they're always late. Except that one time when my family actually were on time and I was still in my dressing gown as I wasn't expecting them.

Anyway all of this is a long way round saying that I'm such a slave to good timekeeping that if I am late it throws me completely and I cannot cope. If it happens more than once I actually start to lose the plot. If it's someone else who has made me late I am apoplectic.

A few weeks ago I had an important meeting at the BBC which my boss had said he might go to. We got an email to say the time of the meeting had been changed and I was ready to leave with plenty of time to arrive there. Then the boss said he was going to join me. And he wanted to walk there. I asked if he knew the way on foot and he assured me he did. With 5 minutes to the start of the meeting we were still at least 20 minutes away and I suggested that we might have to get on the tube instead of continuing to walk. It turns out that the boss was too cheap to pay for a tube ticket which is why he'd suggested walking so we arrived late, flustered, overheated and sweaty. I was also furious.

Then today we were all invited to Brighton for a 'works outing' and were supposed to meet at the station at 11.30. I changed my morning plans to make sure I'd arrive on time only for all my colleagues to turn up after 12. I wandered round the shops on a gorgeous sunny day until they arrived and then we all had a long walk along the beach and then on to the boss's house for lunch. We eventually got there in time for me to  pop to the loo and turn back to walk to the station to come home as I had to pick up my boy from nursery. It was all a bit of a waste of time really.

I've become very aware of how important all the minutes of my day are since I became a Mum. I have always packed a lot into my time so making space for my son's schedule means it's a tightly run ship. When I have pirates board that ship and make me walk the plank I am not amused at all. I'm taking back the wheel and chucking these time-bandits off my ship from now on.

I'm not a timelord and I can't actually move myself around in a TARDIS so until I can bend time to suit all the places I need to be I just need to breathe deeply and smile at them. Does anyone know where I can get a sonic screwdriver ?