How did I do today ?

It's all about the feedback. Not the sound you get when you hold a microphone too close to a speaker and it feels like your head is going to burst. Or the high pitched pips you hear when your mobile phone is too close to something electronic. The kind of feedback that is asked of you on the back of commercial vehicle, 'how is my driving ?' Or those cards they hand out to you in shops with a code - some even print it on the receipt so you don't lose them. It seems to be important to let companies know when they are doing well or badly. Of course customers will pipe up pretty quickly if things go wrong - often on social media. I refer you to our long drawn out dispute with Corgi earlier this year which was conducted almost entirely on twitter when they didn't respond to numerous phone calls.

Don't get me wrong I don't condone the vigilante style of feedback where someone will call out a company or individual abusively in order to get something for free. If I've had a bad experience I'll contact them directly first. It's only when they refuse to respond that I take it public in order to engage them in a conversation offline. I am also very fair and give credit when I've had a positive experience. A public recognition of good service or a kindly gesture is only fair when companies get so much flack.

So why don't we operate the same model for behaviour ? I took the boys out to see a show last night and when we got home I told Hubbie they had been really well behaved and enjoyed it. We always check in with each other like this and give a 'report' about our kids to each other. It's part of the deal with our shared parenting approach. If the boys know we are a team it makes them feel more secure, but also means they are less likely to try and outwit us with that old chestnut, "Mum / Dad said I could." It doesn't mean they don't try it on, but they are always aware it's unlikely to be a successful tactic.

Possibly the most common form of feedback we employ - which I understand is universal - is the, "how do I look in this dress ?" type. This is fraught with danger, but thankfully Hubbie has a pretty good approach to this. He is honest, but not brutal. Previous partners have been perfectly happy for me to wear a skirt that was too short or a top that is too tight, but Hubbie is aware that while he might like it, the outfit isn't necessarily for his benefit. Mind you recently I tried on a dress and declared, "my boobs are too big for it." and he responded, "No they're not. The dress is wrong." See why I married him ?

Of course asking for feedback doesn't mean we're always prepared to deal with what's said. I am aware I have many faults and the people who love me find ways to address those without hurting my feelings. I don't want to be criticised, but I do want to be told if I'm hurting or upsetting someone else by my actions or words. I do try my best to be kind and a decent person. However I am also aware that I can be petulant, unreasonable and downright moody. However I want to be seen as kind, thoughtful and rational. That's not always easy when people have known you a long time and know what you're really like. So I ask for honest feedback from those I trust. Who I've known a long time and would expect the same from me.

I'm not going to hand out cards to people asking them to rate how I did. I'd rather the people who matter know I'm doing my best.

A tiara would have been nice, but the unicorn was pretty cool too.

I looked at my boys at one point today and just stopped.

It was after Blue Bear had been for a walk with Daddy and come back with a caterpillar toy from the shop. After Brown Bear had left the cottage and gone for a wander without telling anyone where he was going. After Blue Bear had yelled blue murder - we thought he had lost a limb at the very least - because his shoe had come off. It was also after Brown Bear had kicked a football into the tree outside and very nearly decapitated the son of our holiday hosts with a gigantic frisbee in an effort to retrieve the ball.

I had been afforded a lie in and some quiet time for myself - I spent it conked out instead of running as I had optimistically intended to do. Following a week when I started a new job this break has been much needed, but the early start and long drive did take their toll on the drivers. It was also the day after my lovely friend said goodbye to her beloved cat Tom. I had known him all his life and he was an adorable lad. We played tricks on her like ringing the doorbell and running away - well I ran away, he sat there and freaked her out. Oh how we laughed.

Half term is always a bit of a sharp handbrake turn in the school year. The kids are desperately ready for it and we don't usually plan to go away for this one and it's so busy. This year we decided to book to go away in a return to our 'pre-children reverie.' We went on a road trip to California one year and another we had a special weekend in Brighton to celebrate my 40th birthday.

As the sun shone today it truly felt like a holiday. As Blue Bear swaggered around with sunglasses on demanding Daddy pull the sleigh he was sitting on. As the boys and their friends ran with the bubble wands we had bought for them making trails of rainbow filled bubbles. As we sat in the sunshine and I blew out the candles on a unicorn cake (don't ask !) and the kids scoffed Peppa Pig cupcakes in record time.

Of course as soon as the sugar hit their insides they were chaos unconfined and thankfully there was plenty of space outdoors for them to run off the energy and insanity. It was lovely to see them playing outside and to be able to let them roam freely and not worry about them being within our sight the whole time. It reminded me of my own school holidays when we would go outside to play and my Mum didn't stand over us commentating on every little thing we did.

Recently I've been taking my hands off the reins and letting my boys take risks and be out of my sight more. It is terrifying. It is also quite exhilirating when I hear a glowing report about their behaviour in my absence. From the text message I got about Blue Bear on Monday asking if they could keep him as he had been so adorable on the play date and had at one point looked out at an amazing view and declared, "I can see forever." To the lovely comments from our host today saying Brown Bear has been nothing but polite and friendly to her - he was pretty rotten to his brother, but you know, small steps.

And then earlier I was sitting on the sofa and the boys were sitting side by side next to me. They were staring at a screen and looked tired. Their faces were completely relaxed and had that slight sheen from playing outside and catching the sun. As I looked at my boys I just felt overwhelmed with love and appreciation.

Yes they annoy the hell out of me and each other, but they are silly, funny, brave and gorgeous. When I recall my birthdays this one will be up there as special because I noticed. I stopped and gave myself a break. I let go and let them be free. I remembered that these boys (and the bigger one and the furry one) are just about the best thing in my life. I mean let's not be too hasty, there's still chocolate and shoes up there too.

Oh and did I mention I once met Clare Grogan as she was leaving the toilets in the theatre ?

Postcards from Cornwall

I used to imagine that spending time in Cornwall was just what other people did. That it cost too much and would be out of our price range. It was a shame really as on my travels around the country I'd seen some lovely places and wondered how the experience of Padstow would differ if I was a tourist instead of visiting for work. My first ever visit to the Eden Project was in its first year of opening as I was staying in Wadebridge for work so I thought I'd take a rare morning off to go and see it. It was the beginning of a long love affair I have with the place and one I've been able to indulge in since we've been taking holidays at Coombe Mill with the children. We took Brown Bear the first time we stayed in Cornwall and he's been with us a few times since. I've wanted to go back on my own for a while though.

At the weekend I was lucky enough to go to the Eden Project twice. On Friday night I went to watch the Manic Street Preachers with Hubbie. We were absolutely soaked by the rain, but the gig was amazing so the weather didn't matter much. I made a quick visit to the Mediterranean biome where the lovely Nathan told us all about how oats are transformed from a humble crop to a breakfast cereal and I even rolled some oats to take home with me.

The tickets entitled us to go back the next day so Hubbie kindly offered to have the boys while I went off to spend time by myself exploring and enjoying the place without having to entertain or feed the boys. I stopped for a lovely brew and then I achieved a long held ambition to make it to the top of the lookout point to get a stunning view of the rainforest below. A young lad who was also walking up was delighted to share that he'd just overcome his fear of heights. It was a good day for us both.

I've reached the roof of the rainforest !

The view is spectacular 

I ate a delicious lunch - made of locally sourced ingredients - in peace and quiet before going back to the biome to learn the 'story of chocolate.' How it goes from bitter cocoa pod to the delicious bars we consume. (some of us more than others, admittedly). The zipwire was definitely tempting, but I decided that one daredevil act in a day was plenty and - realistically - if I didn't have anyone to cheer me on it probably wasn't going to happen. After checking in with Hubbie I bought a pasty to say thanks for looking after the boys at Coombe Mill so I could have an unspoilt trip to Eden.

The story of chocolate from bean to bar 

These smell amazing 

All that time by myself gave me a chance to ponder how much time we spend doing things that make our children happy that we don't necessarily have any interest in ourselves. Equally why drag them around when they will just fuss about having to do a 'boring grown up thing' ? I've decided to plan what I want to do as the boys grow older and I am able to cultivate my own interests again.

My new ambitions:

Go on holiday without the boys - I don't mean a long weekend or a few days I mean a full on proper grown up holiday with cocktails and going out for dinner and only doing what we want to do. I'm relaxing just thinking about it.

Own a camper van - ok this is obviously a pretty common one, but it's still on my list. I want to be able to take off and have an adventure whenever I want. To pack a yoga mat and some swimming things in the back and just drive away for a few days and not have to worry about anyone else.

Learn to surf - now this is related to the last one as the whole surf culture is associated with camper vans. It's also one of the sports that I haven't yet tried and have wanted to for years. I booked a surf course on Fistral Beach over ten years ago and bottled out of going by myself. Now I have sons they can do it first so I don't feel so daft.

Live in Cornwall - maybe not all the time, but I do love it here. Of course I do have to wait until they have more than the one Waitrose (or live in Truro where that one is). This ambition will make it possible for me to...

Work / volunteer at the Eden Project - it's a place that always fascinates me and I would love to spend a lot more time there. Who knows I might even apply for an apprenticeship.

Care for a dog - I've had an ambition for a while to foster a dog. Blue Bear loves dogs so much and I think caring for a trainee assistance dog would be great for us as a family. He could learn to look after it and we would also be helping prepare the dog for a life helping someone else.

and finally...

Write every day - At the moment I write late at night before going to bed or in the brief moments I have during the day. It's usually in the front room with other things going on all the time - crying children, cat demanding to be fed, hubbie watching politics or sport on the telly. I'm often tired and unable to really concentrate on what I'm doing so all those fantastic clever witticisms that I thought of earlier have retired already. I'd like a space that is mine and where I can just go and write. Without distraction, unnecessary noise or guilt.

I'll let you know how I get on with achieving this list :)