Adoption Week: What is a 'real' family anyway ?

I've written about the different types of families before . It's not like as a society we're unfamiliar with the concept of single parents, step-parenting, family carers (eg. grandparents raising children), multiracial families and same sex parents. I realise that not everyone has an enlightened view on any or all of these types of families. It's a shame that for some there is an idea of the 'real' family that exists in their mind - and pretty much nowhere else. Oh and in the christian allegory / family soap from my childhood, Little House on the Prairie. I mean even Michael Landon was pushing custard uphill trying to convince the audience that this was typical family life wasn't he ?

Even thought adoption is no longer kept secret there are still so many misunderstandings about it. I often get asked where my son has come from as there is an expectation that he must be from another country. It's also common to be asked why he was adopted as if there must be some fluffy reason like they had run out of room in the mansion he was born in. There is also the misconception that babies sit around in children's homes waiting until their adopters come to find them. Like Annie, but without the singing and dancing. Or the dog.

When talking about adoption even the most understanding of people struggle with what is appropriate to say or ask. So here's my handy guide to help you stay on safe ground - and some tips on what to avoid:

• He is my youngest son thank you, not my adopted son. I don't refer to your youngest as 'the accident' or your oldest as 'the result of too much prosecco in Kos' do I ? 

• Yes he does call me Mummy. That's because I am his Mummy. He also calls Hubbie "Daddy" and his brother "Baba." I'm pretty sure he's going to call him a lot of other names before too long. 

• We are his family, yes his 'real' family. He also has a birth family and a birth mother - sometimes referred to as a 'tummy mummy' when explaining to very young children. 

• He has grandparents, aunties and uncles just like anyone else. They are his just as much as they are Brown Bear's. I am pretty sure they do not make any distinction between the boys based on how they came to the family.

• Our child was not 'taken away' from his family and 'given' to us. He's not a parcel or an unwanted toy. The decisions that have been taken about his life and the choices that have been made are complicated. They are also private. 

• It is ok to talk about adoption to us, but please show some consideration when talking about him. He has ears and so does his brother. They hear the things you say about them. If it is something you feel the need to say under your breath maybe don't say it at all. 

Blue Bear has been a wonderful addition to our family. He is fun, hilarious and cheeky. He's also stubborn as an ox and gives as good as he gets from his big brother. Anyone who meets them would have no idea that they don't have the same parents. I have been greeted with shock at this news. He looks like Hubbie, he plays tricks like Brown Bear, he dances in the car like me. 

Blue Bear is with his real family. We are his and he is ours. 

Tomorrow: Was it worth it ? 

It's Adoption Week so I'm writing about adoption every day this week.

I'll be answering questions about adoption that you may have. Feel free to comment on here or ask me on Twitter with the hashtag #askaboutadoption.

So go ahead and ask those burning questions. If I can't answer I know enough professionals who I can direct your questions to.

To find out more about adoption week take a look here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/nationaladoptionweek/

In a week it'll all be over...

This year I feel like I've actually got the hang of this Christmas lark. 

The presents are all wrapped and under the tree - apart from the boy's pressies of course. Father Christmas is bringing those over on Xmas Eve as arranged.  

I've bought my veggie main for the big day just in case Hubbie can't find the nut loaf he got a few years ago that was fab and has never been seen again.

Cards have all been posted - yes even overseas ones - I know, get me !!

Now we are into full kid mode starting with Christmas songs and mince pies at nursery today. There was stage fright and tantrums (from adults and tots) and when they all came out in their little costumes we all went "AAAWWWWW" - not a dry eye in the house ! My boy looked at me, spotted grandparents in the audience and said (loudly), "Mummy, where's Grandma ?" I smiled and hid behind my iPad videoing his refusal to sing along. Ironic considering he's serenaded me on the car every day so far with songs about snowmen and Santa's seasonal mishaps.

Tomorrow he has a Christmas party with sports, party games, food and a special appearance from Father Christmas himself - whether or not he will be in football kit is as yet unconfirmed. 

On Friday we'll be singing with elves, preparing reindeer food and meeting Santa before going to another party at nursery. 

On Sunday we're having breakfast with Father Christmas. I'm not sure what he's having, but I'm looking forward to eating breakfast out - a luxury normally reserved for holidays only !!

Finally I have a Christmas Eve bag ready for his overnight stay with my parents. The red bag (naturally) contains festive new pyjamas, lovely Xmas books, a soft toy and I'm sure a few festive treats will find their way in too. My Dad's birthday is on Christmas Eve so it's a double celebration and my boy will get to spend it with his beloved Nani-mummy (my Mum) and Nanaji (my Dad). We get to spend it in a hotel *beams widely.*

If all of this seems a bit over the top I should explain. Last year my boy didn't see Father Christmas at all. He was supposed to at the nursery Christmas party, but on the day they had a power cut so the party was cancelled. I tried - in vain - to get him into one of the myriad grottos within the M25, but it was too late and they were all booked up. I'm pretty sure I was more gutted than he was !!

So this year I've ensured he's got multiple opportunities to meet the big man. He's going to feel like a member of the family by next week. 

Of course the boy isn't too worried because he knows his Nanaji is the real one :o)