If I could turn back time… I probably wouldn't

I went to a work reunion this evening in Putney with colleagues I knew more than 12 years ago. It was a workplace where I genuinely knew other people's business and even though it was a large charity based on two separate sites I knew people in every department by the time I left. Part of this is because of my natural nosiness and part of it is because I was there at a significant time in my life.

• Shortly after I joined VSO I got married to my first husband. 
• Not long after that I left my first husband. 
• I moved back in with my parents, lost weight and cut my hair short - first the "Rachel" then proper short.
• Celebrated my 30th birthday on the London Eye with some of my colleagues invited. 
• My doomed infatuation with "Sid" who worked on the floor below and cycled to work - what was it about men from the North East with long dark hair ? 

In fact we were both fresh from bad break ups - he'd just separated from 'Mandy' and she took the kettle. I'd left and taken the iron even though I don't actually do ironing.

Maybe it's because I had so much turmoil in my personal life that I knew so much about my colleagues' lives ? Here's a representative sample: 

• The lovely lady with two young sons whose husband walked out leaving her and the boys.
• The soft spoken woman who had a bleed on the brain
• The man whose ambition was to drive Route 66, but had to pass his driving test first 

This morning I panicked when I realised that my hair really desperately needed a wash and I couldn't do it today. What if "Sid" was there ? I had no expectation that he would be or that he'd even know who I was any more. More to the point I am happily married so it really wouldn't matter. He wasn't there.

I left early as I'd spoken to the friend I wanted to see the most, but also because I kept having flashbacks. Evenings spent drinking wine and eating crisps in the Coat and Badge pub until very late. Sitting in dark corners wondering if "Sid" and I would ever progress from pub talk to dinner (we did) from dinner to dating (we didn't).

Still nostalgia is nice isn't it ?  

You better watch out … real bad...

I think I've scored a small victory today and I have Russell Brand to thank for it.

You see a few years ago after a particularly unpleasant evening at Jongleurs Hubbie decided that he didn't like stand-up comedy and wasn't going to go to gigs any more. All thanks to an idiotic Aussie comedian who thinks he's being 'controversial' when he's actually just being an arse. I've spent the ensuing years trying to rehabilitate the reputation of live comedy with small steps. 

Firstly I can thank Daniel Kitson - we went to see him in Brighton then another time in London and Hubbie admitted that he liked him. The process of bringing him back to comedy had begun.

Then we had a set back in the unlikely form of Eddie Izzard. I'd made a really big deal about going to see him live as I've seen almost every tour he's done and met my closest friend at an Izzard gig many moons ago. Unfortunately the day before we went to see Eddie at Wembley the DVD of that very show had been released. I was so livid I stood outside looking for touts to buy the tickets so we could then go out for a meal instead. 

Time passed and I went to watch comedy with other friends who like Phil Nicol and Doc Brown. Then Adam Hills' show The Last Leg became a fixture in our house during the Paralympics and we cried laughing watching his stand up show on TV. I tentatively asked Hubbie if he'd like to see Adam live in September and he said yes. Hoorah !! 

Then a few weeks ago Hubbie bought us tickets to see Mark Thomas live. I'll say that again, HE bought the tickets voluntarily. It was a local gig trying out new material and we had a great evening together. Quite a safe option though as we have seen Mark Thomas before and we know we like his stuff. 

Which brings us to today. I saw a tweet from Russell Brand that referred to his live gigs on the Messiah Complex tour. There were tickets available so I asked my pal first and she's not a fan of Brand so I asked Hubbie if he wanted to go, fully expecting a no. A few minutes later he replied with a reference from Ponderland (a clip show Russell used to do). Then just to be sure I asked again and he said "yes that sounds nice." 

So the rehabilitation is complete. We can, once again, go to stand-up comedy gigs together. 

I do believe that the Messiah has healed :o) 

Hear ye hear ye - read all about it (every day !!)

As well as hosting my own radio show on a Monday Hubbie and I present a music show jointly that goes out online every two weeks. We make time to pre-record shows based on themes that we've chosen and pick songs that we play in turns on a show called "His & Hers." 

The idea came about because we have different preferences in music style and it provides contrast and - we hope - interest for listeners to hear how we've interpreted the theme. In the past we've done shows about colours, numbers, movies and food. Today we recorded two shows about couples who are in bands either together or separately. You know, Abba who were married to each other or Sonny & Cher. Neither of these made the cut, but you can listen on Friday 21st June and find out who we chose.

It's almost as much fun to choose the theme and songs as it it doing the show. It's a fun challenge and harks back to our shared history and the interests we had before we were Mummy and Daddy. You see we met when we were both doing a journalism course and had aspirations to be writers for a living. While both of us do write a lot for our work neither of us does it as a job or is paid for writing. Of course, that's the reason I have this blog.

So with that in mind I'm challenging myself to write a post every day. The logic being that by writing every day I'm closer to getting into the discipline of being a writer.

A health warning for you though dear reader, the posts may well be shorter than usual (which may be no bad thing).

So let's see how it goes shall we ?

The day my son first drove a car (and a helicopter and a boat)

Well, after rain stopped play on Friday we finally got to Peppa Pig World yesterday and it was a gloriously sunny day. It was also quite busy, but actually not as bad as we'd feared it was going to be on a weekend. It was the first time we've taken our boy to a theme park on a day out so it was a new experience for all of us. We packed a picnic, bundled the boy and Grandma into the car and made our way to get there when it opened - we were not alone.

Those in the know arrive early and lots of parents I spoke to have been before and it says a lot that people come back so often. For us it was worth the queuing and the occasional tantrum as the whole place is designed for small children and the adults that they bring with them. Most of the rides were perfect for our toddler and there was plenty of space to eat a picnic in peace. Importantly there is babychanging in male and female toilets and the toilet seats are suitable for children and adults to use.

I've never been a great fan of theme parks thanks to my timidness on rides (even Miss Rabbit's balloon ride was a bit much for me !) so it was a big departure for me. I would definitely take our boy again though - not least as he's free until he's a metre tall and he's almost that already. As the in-laws live so close by it's also manageable for us.

It was a lovely family day out and our highlights included:

- the initial squeal of joy as our boy saw the sign showing Peppa, George, Mummy and Daddy Pig on the way in to Paulton's Park - you see we hadn't told him where we were planning to go

- seeing so many fathers wearing Daddy Pig t-shirts and insisting to their kids that they are the real one not all these imposter Daddies.

- carrying my son on my shoulders to meet Peppa and George - he has met them both before, but it was more magical to see them in their own house.

- the man who was overjoyed at winning a soft toy at the fiendishly difficult Candy Cat games stall only to be outraged that he was only allowed to win one toy per day, "I've got two kids, how is that fair ?" (well learning to read the sign that tells you the rules before you play might help !)

- my boy insisting he wanted to ride in a blue car on the Daddy Pig car ride all the way along the queue then his delight that he got to drive a blue car - dreams do come true son !

- our boy making a beeline for Peppa's teddy as he chose a toy from the shop just before we left to go home. He was holding it with genuine affection at the end of a tiring, but fun day.

Before we left in the morning our boy was watching Peppa Pig cartoons in Italian and I think he might now be fluent - I only know that Miss Rabbit in Italian is "Signorina Rabbita" which might be handy for Miss Rabbit's ice cream parlour if she decides to branch out into gelato.

The power of the pink one is incredible and my only objection is that they only sell pink Peppa clothes for girls and blue and green George clothes for boys. The Daddy and Mummy Pig shirts are also gender specific which is disappointing when clearly boys and girls love Peppa Pig's family in equal measure.

Now we've tried this theme park I don't feel so worried about visiting Legoland or Chessington when he's older.

Just don't ask me to go on any of the big rollercoasters son - please.

Rainy days and other parenting nightmares.

Kate Winslet is pregnant with her third child and most papers ran the same rehashed press release to announce the 'news.' One newspaper, however, went with a story commenting on the fact that the actress already has two children with different fathers and the writer makes snooty remarks about how you're 'supposed' to get married once and have all your children with the one partner. It refers to her being in danger of 'doing an Ulrika' and having four children all with different fathers if she's not careful. I'm not sure who made these rules or who decided that it was a journalist who should be the one to enforce them as last time I looked the media and the press in particular were on shaky ground regarding ethics and morality (phone hacking anyone ?)

What is sadder about this is the supposition that Kate has somehow decided to have consecutive marriages and to have children with different fathers. I don't know anyone who goes into a relationship thinking it is going to fail, much less a marriage and kids. Surely our expectations when meeting someone and falling for them is that we will be together for a long time. I grew up in a family that did not approve of having girlfriends and boyfriends. It was considered inappropriate to have relationships before marriage and sex outside marriage was a complete taboo. Hubbie was raised differently and his first wife was the girlfriend he'd been seeing since he was 16. Our relationship histories are completely different and yet the outcomes have been exactly the same. We both got married in our twenties and were divorced by the time we were in our thirties.

In retrospect both Hubbie and I can see clearly why our first marriages didn't work, but at the time we didn't go into them thinking they would go wrong. In the same way neither of us had children with our first partners, but that could be as much dumb luck as design. Having to keep in touch with someone you broke up with for the sake of the children cannot be easy and I have lost count of the times when a friend has been let down by the other parent. One friend was frustrated by the father of her son announcing he wasn't going to be able to take him that weekend as arranged. She had already made plans for the weekend, but instead of making alternative arrangements as he should have done he expected her to sort it out. In another instance a friend has raised her daughter for 12 years with the father seeing his daughter every other weekend. Now that she is almost 12 the daughter has decided to live with her father instead and this has left my friend distraught and feeling like a failure for not being 'good enough' - sound familiar ?

Not all separated parents have issues of course. Another friend is in a relationship with a man whose daughter from his previous relationship stays with them every other weekend and in the holidays. They have another son and the family arrangement works for all of them including the ex and the dog.

The sheer mechanics of ensuring that parents have equal access to the children would be enough to put anyone off having serial relationships. If you were an international jet-setting film star and the fathers of your children lived on different continents wouldn't that make it difficult to plan visits and weekends ?

We had planned a visit to Peppa Pig World today with our son and his Grandma and when we woke up it was pouring with rain and hasn't stopped since. Sometimes things happen that you weren't expecting and that you hadn't planned for. You don't stop hoping it's going to get better or give up looking for the sunshine and happiness do you ?

I'm sure Kate is just like the rest of us in hoping for the best and doing the best she can.

Do you remember the first time ?

No, not that you smutty devil. I mean the first time you've done mundane things that you now take for granted. I realised recently that while there are the firsts that are perfectly acceptable in life eg. the first time someone calls you "Ma'am" and you're flattered rather than horrified or the first time your child uses actual words rather than a series of grunts and screams. The other kind are the ones that make you question whether you've missed the point somewhere. I'll tell you what I mean.

Plasters:
Until a week ago my son had never had a plaster. He has - of course - fallen over and scratched his legs and arms, but for some reason we've never offered to put a plaster on. Now I've created a monster who insists on a Peppa Pig plaster for his imaginary injuries. He also asks for medicine at the first sign of a cough, but I'm pretty sure that's junior hypochondria.

Bouncy Castle:
At the weekend we all went to a Big Lunch event locally and all the way there we were building up the excitement about the bouncy castle that was going to be there. Then I realised that the boy had never even been on one before. I assumed that he would know what it was and that he'd be keen to go on it despite his lack of knowledge of what it actually is. He watched the other kids jumping around having fun and got the hang of it pretty fast so I don't feel the lack of bouncy fun so far has inflicted any long term trauma.

Grown-up Birthday:
It has taken me almost three years of parenting to get over my need to make a big fanfare of my birthday. This year I did nice things with a few special people and decided to skip the 'invite everyone over for a party' celebration where I spend the whole day fussing and not talking to anyone for more than five minutes. We cut a small cake at home and then went out for a gastro-pub lunch. I think the low-key approach could be the way to go in the future.

Late adopter:
Hubbie has been a blackberry user for many years and only lately decided to break with tradition and go for the iphone 5. It has been a learning experience for him to become an Apple user - he has an ipod from way back, but hasn't used an Apple phone before. It's also the first time I've been the 'early adopter' in our relationship.

Snogging:
Now I'm not suggesting that me and Hubbie haven't snogged before. Of course we have in the past, it's the best bit of being in a new relationship. I was once at the Royal Court Theatre and there was a couple who were fiercely snogging throughout the entire matinee performance. It's a small theatre so I think the whole audience were party to this teenage, fumbling snogfest. I casually remarked that they were clearly having an affair. After all if they were married (to each other) they'd have a home to go to where they could do that. Then the other day I was watching a movie starring Heath Ledger (some teen flick) and it occurred to me that the anticipation of that frenzied teenage kissing goes once you can kiss your partner whenever you like. So as we approach our 7th wedding anniversary we're trying to recapture some of those 'first moment' feelings and the romance and lust that typifies early courtship.

This could translate as Hubbie lugging an electric guitar and amp around for me to borrow or me hanging around his workplace pretending I was 'just passing.'

It's more likely, however, to be us making each other laugh and remembering how much fun it was getting to know each other. Now where did I put that lip gloss ?

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry

It's the first of June so it's officially the start of Summer today. In a few weeks it will be the longest day then the slow descent into the winter months again. Maybe it's the lack of proper sunshine that has left most of us feeling distinctly deflated. There have been a few good days and I've managed to get into the garden to do some weeding and hopefully tomorrow I can even plant some things that have been hanging around waiting, a few bulbs, some seeds and some plants that have been kindly given to me by a fellow Freegler. Just this week I noticed that the strawberry plants from last year are growing again so hopefully we'll get to them before the thieving squirrels this year !

The theme of growing has also added to my sense of low-lying discontent though. You see in a parallel universe I'd be struggling to garden and weed and plant. I'd be a little uncomfortable with the hotter days and probably have an even shorter temper with my toddler who is fully embracing the terrible twos right now. Twice recently Hubbie has asked me "when is your anger management course starting again ?" when I've lost it over something entirely unwarranted (a chipped plate was the most recent cause of consternation).

What he's missing is the thing that I'm missing. In the parallel universe I'd be seven months pregnant right now. The talk about Kate Middleton's pregnancy would bring a rolling of the eyes as I'd pity my poor little one for being due just after the royal progeny. I'd be planning for a second child and talking to my son about the younger brother or sister he'd be having soon. Instead I'm marking time when I would have been having a scan, would have been avoiding runny eggs, changing my yoga routine to be more baby friendly. It's not that I think about it every single moment of every single day, but it is there and I can't pretend it's not.

On a Sunday morning last December I found out I was pregnant. Hubbie and I were delighted and immediately excited about when to tell our parents they were to have another grandchild. We talked about how and what to tell our son. We were generally grateful and overjoyed. The next day the news broke that Kate Middleton was pregnant and we joked that our big news had been hi-jacked by the royal baby. Not that we were about to tell anyone just yet of course.

I made an appointment to see the doctor and updated my iphone apps from conception to pregnancy ones. Only something wasn't right. I couldn't recall exactly how I felt the time I was pregnant before - mostly complete disbelief and joy - but there was something not right. The doctor was dismissive and said "let's just see what happens," and everywhere I looked there were references to miscarriage. I mean everywhere.

Then it was gone. Completely. No drama, no cinematic moment, just gone. Now, I'm aware that this happens all the time and has happened to a lot of people I know. We were devastated, but made a decision to just treat it as if nothing had happened, after all it was so early if I hadn't tested I wouldn't even have known. So we made a deal to 'keep calm and carry on." I told a few close friends and left it at that.

We had Christmas and didn't tell our families. It was tough and it was sad, but we are so blessed to have our son already and he is wonderful (when he's not yelling or demanding or spilling or… you get the idea). We looked forward to a new year and new adventures and it looked like we'd really be able to put it behind us. Only I haven't really.

I know I'm not unique. I know it happens very often. It just haunts me. When I see women who are as pregnant as I'd be right now. The almost constant focus on pregnancy in the media. My inability to go a day without bursting into tears.

And in case he asks again the anger management course starts in two weeks.

It can't come soon enough.