A feminist, an adopter, a radio presenter, an equality advisor and mum to boys.
I swim, play music, write stuff and have ambitions to declutter my home.
Waking up to a sunny sky is one of my favourite things. Being able to go for a walk or a run in that sunshine is just the perfect start to my day. In the morning I went for a walk / run as the sun was coming up over the horizon and the sea was gorgeous. I stopped at the end of this stone walkway to sit and listen to the waves against the rocks. The peace and joy it brought me was suprassed only by the sight of St Michael's Mount in the distance.
Incredible eats from my lovely friend Sara
Cornwall is my happy place. It's where I take the children on holiday and where I go to relax. Yes it's a long drive, but it doesn't faze me at all. However, being in the car for hours and not eating properly is something that I do find challenging. My lovely friend Sara not only had the boys for a sleepover the other night, but she also made this amazing food for me to enjoy when I got here. I've mentioned before that I don't always take the best care of myself when it comes to eating so this has been an incredible gift on my journey of self-care. Sara has her own food business which I have to say from personal experience is brilliant. She packed me off with delicious veggie curries, rice, a salad, yoghurt and chutney as well as a lovely personal note. I will definitely be ordering from her again. Maybe I will even share it next time.
Gorgeous Miss Florrie
This time I booked to stay in the centre of Penzance with a lovely host who has a cat called Florrie. Now I'm not saying that the cat was the main draw for me to choose to stay here, but, ok yeah she was. Since we lost Neo last year I have missed having the company of a cat in the house. As soon as I arrived on Friday night Florrie came over to be fussed and in the morning she came to see me for snuggles. Love her. Being around her had been calming and I feel so loved when a cat comes to say hello. She was baby-sitting me in the afternoon while I was relaxing post retreat and it was lovely.
Yoga and free writing
It's become an annual tradition that I go for a new year retreat with the fantastic founder of Story of Mum - Pippa. Mostly mums attend and we arrange child-care for the day so that we can practice yoga, do some free writing, create vision boards and eat amazing food. I know it seems a big thing to come all this way, but it means a lot to give this gift to myself. It's what gets me through the emotional and social anxiety that is Christmas and New Year knowing I have this to look forward to. Of course I stress about the boys right until I am actually here. This is where I find my happiness and joy and the impetus I need to get through whatever the year ahead will bring. This morning I was reminded how much I love yoga and that I have neglected my practice for the last few years. Yoga really does help me feel more centred and I remember how much my body can do when I am on the mat.
Breakfast of champions
Now, I'm not saying the vegan snickers bars are the reason I come all this way, but they are definitely a strong pull factor. I could probably go to a retreat in say Putney or even closer, but without the sea view and the hugs from Pippa it just wouldn't be the same. We started the day with tea and a delicious bar - it was such a special treat and brought so much joy. I cannot tell you how much it means to eat without guilt or to finish an entire cup of tea while it's still hot. Simple pleasures.
Beautiful, Bold Beginnings for 2020
The vision board exercise is always revealing. In it you choose images that 'call' you and then see if they have some meaning when you place the on the board. It's a calming activity sitting and cutting out images from magazines and then arranging them on the sheet, discarding any that don't resonate. Sometimes it's puzzling what catches your eye and doesn’t make sense until you look at the whole page. I thought I'd share the one have done for this year. The thing I noticed first is that there is a lot of space on the page. Usually there are lots of overlapping images and fewer words - cluttered with a lot going on. The overriding theme I noticed in this one is that it is all about me taking care of myself. Putting me first and believing that I am worth it. The white spaces tell me I am seeking that space for myself too. As for Rob Lowe, well if you don't ask you don't get do you ?
Morning sea swim
This morning I went into the sea with lovely Pippa. It was very, very cold so I didn't stay in for long, but I closed my eyes and stood with the waves crashing around me and felt the sun on my face. It was amazing. When we got out and dried off we sat on the warm rocks drinking coffee and chatting.
I have come back energised and filled with hope for the future.
Often I listen to podcasts when I am driving. I used to listen to audio books in the car -I adore books, but with so little time to read it was a good compromise. I remember driving in North Wales through some stunning scenery while listening to Richard E Grant reading his autobiography With Nails and it's a memory that has stayed with me. A bit like driving along crying at every song on the radio. It was clearly another bad break up - there were so many I can't recall exact detail. I remembered this earlier this evening while I was listening to Caitlin Moran reading her autobiography. She describes a relationship with a man who treats her terribly, but she keeps trying to make up for this by loving him even more. It felt like someone had reached inside me and pulled my insides out.
Yes I have done that too Caitlin. Pretty much every woman I know has. I'm not talking about the 'bad boy' who appeals because you just know he's going to be trouble. I mean the man / boy who is charming and says all the right things. He is convincing and you are totally taken in. It starts small. A changed plan here or a cancelled date there. The broken promises. "We will do it another time." You don't. "I'll make it up to you." He doesn't. Then it gets bigger. "I'll let you know when I can see you. I'm just really busy." And days go by. Then weeks. If you have a particularly special case he will just take you for granted and act like he's doing you a favour when he does decide to come back into your life.
I once stood outside Top Shop in Oxford Circus to meet - let's call him smooth talker. I had arranged to meet him there - this was before mobile phones - and he was late. I kept checking to see if I was in the right place - called his office and he wasn't there either. Eventually I went home. I won't even say how long I waited as I'm so embarrassed. This was the lad who had a girlfriend and I was unwittingly the 'other woman." A friend told me on the phone as he was convinced I already knew. I didn't. It all made sense now. The lateness, the broken plans, the lack of contact. I was the chump in all this. I really wanted to think the best of him. I've done that a lot. I do that a lot.
Despite all my instincts and every fibre of my being telling me, "this is not someone who respects or loves you," I would just keep going. Convincing myself that this was a good man underneath it all. That if I just kept doing my best it would be ok. He didn't call because he's busy. Remember he said he would be ?
Then there's - let's call him Porto - who didn't turn up when we were supposed to go out and I just sat downstairs with my housemates not saying anything as it was clear he had forgotten or just not bothered. He eventually turned up at 11pm and had all the silver-tongued excuses for his behaviour. Turns out the truth (which he didn't tell me) was that he was an alcoholic and had been asleep all day. He was also the one who once we'd broken up would call me at the same time every Monday to ask if I wanted to go out and do something. When we were actually going out he never wanted to go anywhere. He couldn't seem to accept that it was over and I wasn't pining or suffering at him not being in my life any more.
When Moran talks about it all being ok 'because we are in love" I felt a catch in my throat. I naively believed that if someone loves you they treat you well. I can't do enough for the ones I love. I have driven hours to see someone I love, to give them a hug or to just say "I'm here for you." I've changed my plans just to see them for a little while. I've been at the end of the phone when things are going wrong in their life. Day and night. When they ignored me entirely I was still there when they decided to talk to me again. I know I'm an idiot - right ?
There was the guy who broke up with me during the interval of a show - I call him a lot of things, but that's not for here - and we sat next to each other with me knowing I had to share a car with him on the journey home now he had dumped me. Or the guy who goaded me all through dinner and when I reacted he walked off before the concert started. I went in alone not knowing if he was going to come back or not. He didn't.
What makes a person put up with this ? Is it a lack of self respect ? I suspect that is part of it. I didn't feel I deserved any better than I was getting. I was lucky any guy wanted to be with me. Whatever he was prepared to give I should be grateful. I never once thought to ask for more. How could I ? That meant risking him walking away. I didn't consider it might mean I could have better.
If I did have the courage to say something, I would always make light of it. "Yeah - just fitting me in between other commitments - ironic emoji." and in response I'd get, "Yep that's me doing my best to fit you in when I can. I'm such a terrible person." I mean who wouldn't feel incredibly flattered being fitted in between other far more important things ? How dare I not see this for the grand romantic gesture it clearly was ?
I would do more and more to make up for getting less and less. In yet another example of my stunning capacity to get it wrong I tried to tell him why I wasn't happy with how he was behaving towards me. I sat opposite him trying not to catch his eye. I know that I can't hide how I feel and I wanted to maintain my composure as much as I could. In the end I was standing in the street crying and ranting at him - because that's a great way to win over someone - clearly. I pointed out that if this was it I understood, but I just wasn't going to be taken for granted any more. Of course dear reader you already know that it made not a blind bit of difference. As usual I apologised for standing up for myself - repeatedly. Then things just went back to how they were before.
I frequently go out of my way to ensure no one is put out to see me. I'm not worth it you see. Why should I expect anyone to make any effort for me ? I won't ask. I don't expect. This is still an overhang from these destructive relationships that reaffirmed what I already believed. That no one would love me really. That I had to be better, look different, be nicer, not make a fuss. I should be grateful that a man was giving me any attention after all.
Raising my boys I am bringing them up to respect themselves and others. I don't want my sons to treat anyone this way. The bottom line is even if you can't make grand gestures you don't have to be cruel. Kindness is so important. It makes a person feel special and cared about. A kind word, a lovely message, an unexpected card or a surprise visit just to make someone's day. Maybe I'm a sap for thinking this simple stuff is of value, but I've always appreciated it.
I want my boys to remember some simple rules for life:
Kindness costs nothing
Loving someone is an active thing not a passive one
You can love someone, but not like they way they behave
If someone loves you they won't make excuses - they will make time
You are precious and wonderful - don't let anyone ever treat you like you are not
[Trigger warning: this post talks about domestic abuse - it is not graphic, but does refer to violence in relationships]
I have come to the conclusion that Helen in the Archers is the new Little Mo from Eastenders. I predict an 'I am woman hear me roar' storyline in the future where the scales finally fall from her eyes and she sees the cheating lying Rob Tichner for what he is and exacts a suitable revenge on him. In Little Mo's case she clouted Trevor round the head with an iron. I suspect with Helen it would either be a whole wheel of cheese if she was at work or one of her son Henry's stickle bricks in an awkward place if she was at home.
Woman in abusive relationships is an ongoing and much repeated storyline and I'm not entirely sure why it's so popular or common. It's not like a woman is going to hear it and suddenly think, "Oh ok, now I see. I have to leave my home with my children and go away from this place and be in the bosom of my loving soap opera family."
I have both witnessed and lived with bad relationships. I don't mean stealing your moisturiser bad. Or a refusing to call you back or turning up for a date about 3 hours late bad. I'm not even talking about the one where they deny you broke up with them so that their record of always being the one who dumps and not the one who is dumped remains intact. Yes, all of these have happened to me in real life. In fact most of them were the same person.
What I mean is actual physical and psychological harm. The first was revealed to me on arriving early to help set up a birthday party for the 6 year old child of a friend. They hadn't arrived yet and when they did I asked the birthday girl what had happened and she told me that Daddy had hit Mummy and made her bleed. I was horrified and she looked so sad. When her parents walked in all smiles she did the same and it wasn't mentioned again. To my shame I didn't ask them about it and years later when he had been in rehab and was sober he told me he used to hit his wife. I was so angry with him for it and with myself for not talking to her about it. For not asking if she was ok. I don't know if she'd have told me anything as I was an old school friend of her husband's. I still should have talked to her. At the very least been a friend to her. I should have because I had been in a bad marriage myself.
My Little Mo moment came when I went to pick up my things from the flat I had shared with my first husband and he was there trying to stop me. We argued over a dish drainer that had cost 50p from Woolworths - I left it behind - and other petty things. He threatened me and I looked at him, all 6 foot 4 of him and said, "if you're going to hit me, just do it." He went quiet and I packed the car and left. I call it my Little Mo moment - even thought it happened years before the storyline - because it also involved an iron (although not as violently). I don't iron, I just don't. However, I took the iron with me. Maybe out of spite or maybe because I had paid for it. I just don't know.
So, this came to mind when I was listening to the Archers last week. How standing up to a bully is terrifying and you don't want anyone to know how pathetic you've been to stay with him for so long. You know how at the end of programmes they now say, if you've been affected by any of the issues in this programme call this helpline ? They don't do that in the Archers and I really felt angry, bitter and upset. It was like a trigger that took me back to a place I had forgotten. A person I don't recognise any more.
It's only a soap, but it's not made up. Women stay in bad relationships - as do men - because they have no choice or because they are manipulated to stay. I did. I hope Helen realises soon that this is not a good relationship and that she and her son are better off without Rob.
