So how did I spend Sunday you ask ? Well ok let me tell you.

I am not built to run. I'm 48 years old. Heavier than I should be for my height. I have a history of knee and back problems and earlier this year I had a shoulder injury. Despite all of this I decided I would run a half marathon. I trained for 4 months and followed the plan to the letter - apart from the last week where I was told not to run at all. A week before the run I had to go to the physio as the pain in my leg had become impossible to ignore any more. And yet yesterday I ran a half marathon. Yes you read that right. Ok I admit I did plod most of the way round, but I definitely jogged more than walked.

We all woke up early - well apart from Blue Bear who was glued to his pillow until the last minute and yet woke up fresh as a daisy and raring to go. Brown Bear has always been an early riser so he had eaten breakfast and got dressed already. I prepared my kit and bags the night before so I only had to shower and get dressed. I packed warm clothes for afterwards, a towel, Fit Flops, lots of energy bars, water, painkillers and plasters. Hubbie got the boys ready to come and support me and we set off for Hyde Park.

As we made our way to the Macmillan marquee it started to pour with rain. It had been forecast, but I had hoped it wasn't going to happen. Thankfully it stopped as I made my way to the start. Hubbie took the boys to spend the time at the Science Museum, but he was also able to follow me on a tracker app that told him exactly where I was at any time. I set my watch to track the run and took off slowly along a track in Hyde Park that is familiar to me from so many 5k runs in the past.

The route is lined with cheering supporters and it is their encouragement that makes it possible to keep going. As I ran round St James' Park it reminded me of so many lunchtime runs with Soraya and the chats we would have. I felt my face stiffen as I tried to stop tears falling. Then I spotted the fountains where we used to stop and walk a bit and a sign that said 3 miles. It made me smile and I decided not to feel sad about losing her, but to remember the love and friendship we shared. That was literally the only wobble I had. I smiled pretty much the whole way round. People called out, "Keep going Swazi.," "You're doing so well," "Well done Macmillan."

Quite early on I felt severe cramp in my left foot and started to panic that I would have to stop. On Whitehall I leaned against a lamp post to stretch out my foot and a passing runner tapped my shoulder and said, 'keep going' - I did. I took on water at the next water stop (if you're a runner you don't drink, you 'take on water') and felt the cramp ease off. I kept going and it started to feel better, so I found my pace as I ran along the strand. There were well wishers cheering and children holding out their hands for 'high fives' which I did as often as I could.

A few miles in I was feeling the pace and took short walks as and when needed. The Macmillan supporters - and to be fair all other charities too - were amazing. As there were kind folks holding out jelly babies on the route I took a couple and the sugar hit certainly helped me keep going when I felt my legs weaken. At the halfway point the realisation hit me that I had the same again to do. Ok then, let's keep going. The volunteers at the Macmillan water point gave me a huge cheer as I went past and that was such a boost.

The weather was pretty grim, but I didn't mind as some of my training runs had been in downpours so I was used to it and I don't mind getting wet while running. It helps cool down actually. I'm glad I didn't have to run the whole way soaked through. It was grey and drizzly most of the way round then the rain really came down after the ten mile mark. My glasses were useless so I pushed them onto the top of my head and kept going. With just under 2 miles to go I stepped in a puddle (I had successfully avoided doing this so far so it wasn't too disastrous). With a wet foot and no glasses I sent a text to Hubbie to say I was nearly there. It's ok my phone was in a plastic bag - I came prepared for all weathers !

Seeing my boys and Hubbie at Princes Gate (just under a km from the finish line) lifted my spirits so much. The boys ran alongside me on the pavement calling out,
"You can do it Mummy, keep going, 800m left, only 400m left. Come on Mummy you can do it. Just 200m to go ! You did it - well done Mummy."

The leg massage at the end helped a lot. It wasn't until I stopped that I realised how tired I was. Also I was ravenous. I can't eat when I'm nervous so I hadn't eaten at all (apart from medicinal jelly babies of course). Macmillan kindly catered for their runners so I had a sandwich, a bag of crisps and some tea. It barely hit the sides.

When I got home I had some practical things to do for work the next day then I had a hot soak and a glass of prosecco to celebrate. I had done it. After all the hard work of training and the mental preparation to get this done it was over. I've not entirely processed what I did. There are people who do this sort of thing all the time. For me this was a really challenging event. I pushed myself and even on the day I had no idea if I could do it. I'm so grateful to everyone who supported me and wished me well.

I'm having a break from running for a while now. Physio has told me to take at least 2-3 weeks off. I'll go back to swimming and yoga. The stretching and relaxing stuff.

Then Hubbie reminded me that we've signed up to do the Hampton Court half marathon in March. Flippin' 'eck !!

This time next week it will be done

This year began with the loss of two people I love. A family member who was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer that took her life and a beloved friend who having beaten breast cancer and completed the Moonwalk with me developed secondary cancer and died painfully and suddenly. Both were cared for by Macmillan.

Years ago my friend's father Michael and Hubbie's school friend Helen were cared for by Macmillan nurses at the end of their lives. The nurses attended Michael and Helen's funerals and I know it meant a lot to the families and those who loved them. 

When I told Macmillan I was going to raise money in memory of my friend they said, "we are here for you too." That is why they are so amazing - they support and care for everyone who is affected by cancer. 

I am fortunate to have my health and my life so I am doing this for those who:

- are waiting for results

- have just had a diagnosis

- are having treatment 

- have reached the end of their journey 

- care for someone with cancer 

In May I cut off my hair and donated it so now I'm all streamlined and ready to run a half marathon. This is a genuine challenge for me and I'm training so that I can do my best to finish this distance. It is the furthest I've run so far and I've set an ambitious target to enable Macmillan to continue their fantastic support for people living with cancer and those around them.

Finally, this is for the lady who sat in front of me at the theatre the other night wearing a hat to cover her post-chemo hair loss. She told me her cancer is now incurable. I hope she gets to dance and sing for a lot longer.

On Sunday 14th October I am running my first half marathon to raise funds for Macmillan Cancer Support. It is a genuine challenge for me and the furthest I've ever run. Wish me luck - and if you are able to please sponsor me: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/RunSwazi

Thank you

I run therefore I am (out of breath !)

This morning I opened the curtains a little bit in our bedroom to check the weather outside. The flat roof was wet with rain. Rats ! My training plan said to do a 35 minute easy run today. It's been so hot and sunny I've been going out early in the morning to avoid the hottest temperatures. Today, however, I kept waiting for it to stop raining. We took the boys swimming and had an indoor picnic with some friends from Blue Bear's nursery class. I kept checking outside if the rain had stopped. It hadn't. In the end Hubbie said, "it's going to stop later." I think he just wanted me to go out as I'd been in a foul mood all day. As soon as I was outside I felt better. This training lark isn't so bad. To be honest the half marathon I'm training for is in the middle of October so the chances of it raining are pretty high. If I can get used to running in the wet weather it may well work in my favour.

So I'm a month into my training plan and what can I tell you ? Bear in mind I'm no athlete, but I have some tips I can share.

1. Remember what motivates you. 

In January I lost a great friend and it was a shock and it hurt like hell. I had to do something to remember her and to make sense of the loss. I cut off my hair and donated it to Little Princess Trust to make wigs for children living with hair loss from cancer. People were amazing in sponsoring me to do it and the money went to Macmillan Cancer support. I also decided to run a half marathon to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. It was one of the things I felt I could do. In the futility of grief and loss it was something at least. On days like today when it's easier to stay indoors in the dry I remember why I'm doing this and I put on my trainers and get out there.

2. Have a 'beginner's mind.'

In yoga we use the phrase 'beginner's mind' to remind ourselves to practice with humility and with certainty that we don't know everything. It does us good to go back to the time before we knew what we were doing and to experience things as if for the first time. I am not new to running, by any means, but I am new to a half marathon and for me this a genuine challenge. I am pushing myself to do this and I am finding as I age it's more difficult to do the things that were easier before. The training plan I am following is a beginners' plan. I have no pride in taking it slowly. Which brings me to...

3. Take it nice and easy.

Years ago I listened to an interview on Radio 4 about running. In it the expert said that the best advice was to take it slowly. I have always remembered this when I've taken up running again. It's easy to go too fast to start with and end up with a stitch. I may not be the fastest, but I keep going. That's all I'm aiming for. I always remember that however far I've run I still have to get home, that reminds me to pace myself. It's not like going to the gym and running on a treadmill - which I've enjoyed doing in the past. I used to plug in headphones and watch a TV show. It made the time pass. Now I try and find different routes and times of day to keep things fresh.

4. Always take the weather with you.

I've run in most weather conditions. Once when I was staying in Brighton I went out running in high winds and it was bitter cold. The sea foam kept blowing onto my bare arms and stinging. I got back from that run breathless, pink in the cheeks and on a endorphin high you wouldn't believe. Over the winter months I was running with a thermal layer on and a hat to keep my head from getting cold. I've been running in the hot weather these last few weeks and it's tough, but also really wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I run and the lightest breeze makes all the difference. This evening I went out in the rain. A light smattering at first then later full on with rain dripping off my hair into my eyes. It was wonderful. Embrace whatever the weather brings and see how it feels. There is no right or wrong, there's just getting out there and doing it.

5. The post run high rocks ! 

However crap I feel before I go for a run I always feel better afterwards. No not better, I feel amazing. I have to exercise. It's not optional for me. Firstly there's a lot of medical stuff in my family (diabetes, heart disease, obesity, etc.) so I exercise to stave off any chance of it happening to me. Secondly, it's a way to keep myself stable. Just like I run the kids around to let off steam I have to do the same for myself. If I don't I get tense and it builds up into anxiety/stress. Running is a quick fix. Lastly it's easy to just put on training shoes and go outside and run. I used to feel really self-conscious about going outside to run. I worried about what other people thought and how I looked. Now I look at the scenery, imagine the playlist in my head. I never wear headphones when I'm running. I want to be fully aware at all times. I want to take it all in. I greet dogs that are walking and say hello to other runners. It's no big thing.

I'm not going to win any medals, but that's ok. This is about a mother of two who is almost 50 pushing myself to do more than I think I can. It's also about having something to aim for. Of course if it also means I get to fit into a smaller size then that's a bonus isn't it ?

I'm raising money for Macmillan - if you can sponsor me that would be fab - the link to my fundraising page is here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/runswazi

Hold on for one more day

You know in Austin Powers when he is horrified that he's lost his mojo ? Then he discovers it's been stolen from him and bottled. I hope that's what has happened to my blogging mojo. Since the start of this year I've been struggling to find the energy to put into writing so I've been absent. There have been a lot of things happening that have been difficult to process and I've promised to take better care of myself so instead of staying up late to write a blog post I make myself go to bed. Even if that means I'm then lying awake at least I'm lying down. I had no idea that grief can be so debilitating. It's exhausting. Practical nonsense has also stepped in and as I type there is a fan heater on in this room as it's more than two weeks since our boiler broke down and we have an ongoing issue with getting it fixed - well replaced actually. 

In the time I've been out of the loop there have been so many topics that have inspired potential blog posts and I've just not been able to write them. Things that I hope to get round to eventually, but for now they just circle in my head when I swim and I ponder what I might have written had I been capable. 

Me Too: There is so much to say about the outrage and indignation that has been unleashed by this movement. I deliberately haven't added my voice to this debate or used the phrase. Not because it hasn't happened to me - it has. I just didn't have the capacity to deal with all the feelings it would bring up. 

International Women's Day: I chose to spend my time on twitter this year adding my voice to the whole, 'hey why do women get a day all for themselves' issue. I was delighted to see that Richard Herring decided to use the platform he has on this day to raise a considerable sum of money for Refuge. Some good can come from misogyny I guess. 

Oxfam scandal: I worked in overseas aid for many years and have seen how unethical some areas of the industry can be. I'm not being cynical when I say I'm not at all surprised by this story. I am being realistic in that the power relationships that exist between those in need of aid and those providing it are already out of kilter. If you then add in the concept that aid workers are 'doing good' by even being there then you can go some way towards understanding how it happens so easily. 

I call BS: I remember the exact spot I was in when I heard about the shooting in Dunblane. It is deeply ingrained on my brain and to this day. Whenever there is a school shooting in the US and the same old tired cliches are trotted out it reminds me how incredibly sick I felt when I heard that it had happened in Britain. Except this time it is the children and young people who are speaking up for their own safety. I don't know if it will be any different this time, but I hope it is. 

These are just a few things I have been thinking about and just not been able to articulate on here. Staying out of the way of difficult topics hasn't protected me from them, but it has given me space to think. I'm spending time with my boys and making plans with Hubbie. Dedicating myself to the causes and people that matter. Training to run a half marathon for Macmillan and looking at haircuts that might suit when I cut all my hair off to raise money for their cancer services. Checking in with my lovely friend who is at the start of her journey with cancer treatment and with the widower of my friend who reached the end of hers. 

I don't know when I'll get my mojo back - I can't promise it will be soon. I hope to get back, so please bear with me until I get there. I'm mostly swimming, running and making radio shows - oh and watching Bridesmaids - a lot. 

If you want to sponsor me please find the link here: https://bravetheshave.macmillan.org.uk/shavers/swazi-rodgers

Pink wings, a tutu and a Sunday in the park.

The hot weather this week has been lovely, but I was hoping it would settle down to a breezier weekend and moreover a cool Sunday. Not just because I'd prefer if men kept their shirts on please. Not just because being out of breath before I get to the bus stop is my idea of a bad start to the day. Not just because when it's really hot I am even grumpier than usual as I can't handle the heat for any prolonged period of time. No, none of these perfectly sensible reasons.

I want it to be cooler tomorrow because I'll be donning pink fairy wings, a tutu, deely boppers and a Hawaiian style lai in order to run race for life on one of the tougher courses I've done. It's not my first race for life, far from it I've done many of them and used to do a few each year. I haven't been running as much since I had my son and have only taken part in a few running events so deciding to do my first fancy dress run on possibly one of the hottest days I've ever run might not be the best decision.

It is important, however, because this year I have three people in mind for whom I am taking part. In the past I've run in memory of people and to celebrate friends who have made it through. This year for the first time I am running in memory of our dear neighbour who passed away a few weeks ago, in celebration of my lovely friend Soraya who has come out the other side of her journey with breast cancer and for our wonderful midwife Penny who is currently undergoing a chemo regime to fight the aggressive pancreatic cancer that has riven her family for generations.

We have become used to hearing the phrase that cancer touches everyone's life. In my childhood no one ever had cancer and we grew up believing that it just didn't affect indian people. I now assume that it just wasn't talked about openly so when our elderly great aunt passed away after years of illness it may well have been cancer, but no one said it was.

My father-in-law had a kidney removed a few years ago as it had developed a tumour, a few years ago my aunt found out after a biopsy that she had pancreatic cancer that had been caught early enough for her to survive and my brother-in-law had extensive surgery earlier this year to remove a pre-cancerous growth.

I don't for a moment believe that my wearing pink wings will make it better for anyone living with a diagnosis or who is currently fighting cancer or who has made it through a punishing regime of treatment. What I do hope is that my small gesture will make them smile and feel supported and noticed. I run Race for Life as a sign of respect for those people who are still around and to show them that their fight is not or has not been in vain.

If you can sponsor me any amount I'd be most grateful - I promise to post photos of me in full pink regalia in return for your kindness.

Sponsor me here - thank you