Sunday, 18 March 2018

Hold on for one more day

You know in Austin Powers when he is horrified that he's lost his mojo ? Then he discovers it's been stolen from him and bottled. I hope that's what has happened to my blogging mojo. Since the start of this year I've been struggling to find the energy to put into writing so I've been absent. There have been a lot of things happening that have been difficult to process and I've promised to take better care of myself so instead of staying up late to write a blog post I make myself go to bed. Even if that means I'm then lying awake at least I'm lying down. I had no idea that grief can be so debilitating. It's exhausting. Practical nonsense has also stepped in and as I type there is a fan heater on in this room as it's more than two weeks since our boiler broke down and we have an ongoing issue with getting it fixed - well replaced actually. 

In the time I've been out of the loop there have been so many topics that have inspired potential blog posts and I've just not been able to write them. Things that I hope to get round to eventually, but for now they just circle in my head when I swim and I ponder what I might have written had I been capable. 

Me Too: There is so much to say about the outrage and indignation that has been unleashed by this movement. I deliberately haven't added my voice to this debate or used the phrase. Not because it hasn't happened to me - it has. I just didn't have the capacity to deal with all the feelings it would bring up. 

International Women's Day: I chose to spend my time on twitter this year adding my voice to the whole, 'hey why do women get a day all for themselves' issue. I was delighted to see that Richard Herring decided to use the platform he has on this day to raise a considerable sum of money for Refuge. Some good can come from misogyny I guess. 

Oxfam scandal: I worked in overseas aid for many years and have seen how unethical some areas of the industry can be. I'm not being cynical when I say I'm not at all surprised by this story. I am being realistic in that the power relationships that exist between those in need of aid and those providing it are already out of kilter. If you then add in the concept that aid workers are 'doing good' by even being there then you can go some way towards understanding how it happens so easily. 

I call BS: I remember the exact spot I was in when I heard about the shooting in Dunblane. It is deeply ingrained on my brain and to this day. Whenever there is a school shooting in the US and the same old tired cliches are trotted out it reminds me how incredibly sick I felt when I heard that it had happened in Britain. Except this time it is the children and young people who are speaking up for their own safety. I don't know if it will be any different this time, but I hope it is. 

These are just a few things I have been thinking about and just not been able to articulate on here. Staying out of the way of difficult topics hasn't protected me from them, but it has given me space to think. I'm spending time with my boys and making plans with Hubbie. Dedicating myself to the causes and people that matter. Training to run a half marathon for Macmillan and looking at haircuts that might suit when I cut all my hair off to raise money for their cancer services. Checking in with my lovely friend who is at the start of her journey with cancer treatment and with the widower of my friend who reached the end of hers. 

I don't know when I'll get my mojo back - I can't promise it will be soon. I hope to get back, so please bear with me until I get there. I'm mostly swimming, running and making radio shows - oh and watching Bridesmaids - a lot. 

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