Kindness is not optional

I'm very annoyed. Not in the usual, oh the kids are playing up, Hubbie is getting on my nerves, why is there no milk left for tea way. No, this is a serious, deep-rooted and heartfelt anger at something that I cannot fathom the reason for. Why are some people weird about autism ? What is it that makes these people act in a way that under any other circumstances would be considered unacceptable ? I have specific examples of this that have happened in the last 48 hours.

Yesterday I spent the whole day with fellow bloggers visiting Winchester - there was a lot of walking involved. I know my blogger pal fairly well and have met some of her children. I didn't, however, how that one of her boys is autistic. I have met him - albeit briefly - and it wasn't something that was obvious to me or that would have been an issue even if it was. So when she told me he's been excluded from a friend's party and that other children don't come to his birthday parties I was so angry. I just don't understand why other people's discomfort is paramount in treating a child this way. Ok so he might not eat the same food as the others so he will bring his own. He might prefer not to take part in all the activities, but that's ok isn't it ? Why choose not to invite him rather than try to meet his needs so that he can participate ?

We have friends whose son has sensory issues and they are currently looking at whether or not he is on the autistic spectrum. We have known them and him for many years. While Brown Bear would dearly love to invite this boy to his birthday party we have spoken to his parents and they have told us he wouldn't enjoy it and it would be a struggle so we arrange to have smaller one to one play dates instead. My boy and theirs play side by side and if he needs space he goes and Brown Bear leaves him to it. We respect their advice on how to best be around their son and we talk to our sons about what we have planned so they know what to expect. I don't consider this to be difficult to do, but clearly other people struggle with it.

Then today when I went swimming at lunchtime one of the women who I see there all the time was in a grumpy mood. I asked if she was ok and she said, "No, I'm not actually." and proceeded to explain why. It was a petty minor thing so I sympathised and then got on with my swim. An hour later in the changing room she was still in a mood about it and was carrying on about how this young man in the pool had really upset her by jumping in and it had upset her so much. I nodded and said, "I'm sure he didn't mean to upset you." She was determined to be upset about this and carried on. Then she made a comment about him along the lines of, "Well he has autism doesn't he ?" That did it. I was not taking that and said, "What does that have to do with it ?" She went on to say he should not be working there if he had, 'health issues," and I told her that was inappropriate and not to continue down that line. I know this young man and his parents, I teach his mum yoga. When she told me her son with autism worked at the pool I had no idea who she meant for ages. I wasn't looking specifically for him, but I can honestly say he doesn't have any obvious mannerisms or behaviours that would mark him as different at all. It surprised me that this woman would mention it at all as it was irrelevant to her complaint.

When I spoke to his mum later she told me he had apologised to the woman - even though he had done nothing wrong at all - and she still made a big deal about it. I am beyond annoyed at the woman for thinking she had a right to suggest he shouldn't work and that he had behaved incorrectly because of his autism. I know that he is fully qualified to do his job and that he has all the support he needs to ensure he can manage that job and from seeing him at work most days I also know he has a great rapport with people. Her having a bad day is no excuse for this sort of scapegoating. However, the use of mental health to justify downright ignorance is rife. I often hear people use terms such as, "a bit OCD," when what they mean is fussy. Or they will refer to someone as, "on the spectrum" when what they mean is they are socially awkward or just not their cup of tea.

Being considerate and thoughtful is one of the qualities I really want to instil in my children. That means to all people, not just those who look or act like them. If I meet someone who makes me feel uncomfortable do I just choose not to have anything to do with them to make it easier for me ? Well if I feel threatened by them in any way I might do that, but my preferred mode is to see what we have in common. I was leaving Waitrose with a big cup of tea the other evening and I saw a woman sitting on the ground with a thin blanket, but no jacket or jumper on. I thought about it for a few seconds then went over and said, "do you want a cup of tea ?" She smiled and thanked me. I apologised that I hadn't got any sugar and she said it didn't matter and wished me a lovely evening. I don't know her. I don't know anything about her. In that moment she looked like she needed a hot drink more than I did.

Isn't being kind the right choice every time ?

Does he take sugar ?

It's not often I'm asked to give evidence for why I think something. Even less frequently am I asked to give examples to demonstrate that I am all for equality. Apparently it's not ok to just say, "Well I've been an equality and diversity manager for a living and they don't let you do that if you're not fair and just." I think that's up there with, "Of course I'm not racist or sexist, I can't be, I'm an asian woman."

Well today I was asked to show how I can prove that I'm all for equality and how I support this in my family. So, partly as an instructional guide and partly to demonstrate that I've thought this through here's what I came up with:

Disability:

During the Paralympics we took our son to watch the football and as a result we spoke to him a lot about the difference between a wheelchair and a pushchair, ie. 'you use a pushchair sometimes and you walk sometimes, if someone uses a wheelchair they may not be able to walk or they might have difficulty walking so the wheelchair helps them to do things."

Since he was little our boy has watched Cbeebies so he has seen programmes featuring children with disabilities and is also familiar with the person signing in the corner of the screen. He once asked me about Cerrie's arm and I explained that it looks different, but she uses it the same way as her other arm for some things. He was happy with that and I didn't use the words, 'normal,' or 'disability.'

I took him to baby signing before he could speak so he also has some signs and understands that this is a form of communication. My father and mother-in-law are both quite deaf so we've taught our son that he should look at them when he's speaking so that they can understand what he's saying to them. It's just showing consideration really isn't it ? 

Ethnicity:

Our son has parents of different ethnicity so he is (in newspeak) 'dual heritage.' In theory this means he has a rich and diverse shared cultural experience to draw upon. In reality it means he loves to eat indian food and knows how to say 'hat' in two languages. He also knows that anyone who wears a turban is from the same 'club' as my father. That Grandma will not tolerate shenanigans from errant toddlers late at night. He also knows that some things only happen at my parents house - ie. food is constantly offered - and some things only happen at Grandma's house - ie. Grandpa goes to play golf.

I recalled a Louis Theroux weird weekend programme in which he asked white South Africans about their attitudes towards black people. One of the people he met loved listening to Lionel Ritchie records, but admitted that of course he wouldn't be allowed into his home as he was black. It occurs to me that disliking someone for their skin colour, but being ok with listening to 'dancing on the ceiling,' is beyond parody. That's how I feel about having to explain that I'm not racist.  

Sexuality:

Now I do struggle to show that I'm not homophobic, I mean how do you do that exactly ? Do I point to my music collection and say, "look, so many gays !!" Or point out that I follow Boy George on my twitter feed ? Do I mention that it's irrelevant to me or is that going to sound too flippant ?

I was asked, "what if your child was gay ?" and what I wanted to say was, "I'd cheer, whoop and take joy in knowing that his gorgeous looks and sense of humour wouldn't be wasted on some silly girl." Does this make me heterophobic ? The best reply was given by our dear friends who were asked the same thing - she is a Christian - and in response to the question, "what would you do if you son was gay ?" she said, "erm, love him ?" I hope this was accompanied by a rolling of eyes and '"Duh !!"

When my boy has asked questions I've said, "You have a mummy and daddy who love each other. Some people have two daddies or two mummies who love each other." He's fine with that and if he asks more I will build on what I've already said.

Underlying all of this, however, is the sense that I'm trying to explain something that is startlingly obvious to me. Of course we don't treat someone as inferior because of their age or their height or their hair colour. That would be just stupid. 

Some questions are so dumbass they don't deserve a response.