5 years on I think I'm finally getting the hang of being a stay at home mum

It wasn't as though I was forced into becoming a stay at home parent. It was my choice and one that I made freely and with some joy at the idea that I'd be at home with my beloved baby every day. I had been working for almost 25 years by the time Big Boy came along and quite frankly was looking forward to the break. Ha, how little I knew.

From the very beginning I had no idea how difficult it would be to be able to have a shower or feed myself while caring for this tiny bundle. That all my attention and - it seemed - all of my brain capacity was held in his tiny fists. The idea of leaving him unattended for even a minute was unthinkable so I decided to shower at night so that when Hubbie left for work I could concentrate on the baby. Instead of resting when he slept I'd tidy and clean the house or try to catch up with the things I thought I needed to do, like washing or cooking. On one memorable occasion I came back from the shops and had to park uphill from our house and was standing at the top of many steps trying to work out how to carry the car seat and 3 bags of shopping at the same time. When I got home there was a space right outside the house which hadn't been there earlier - rats !! My Mum asked me later why I hadn't just left the shopping in the car and brought the baby home and I waffled something about having food for the fridge.

I made things so difficult for myself in those early days. When anyone visited I'd make them tea and fuss around instead of sitting back and letting them take care of me. I craved adult company, but when I had it I just felt useless for not having anything to talk about other than baby stuff to share. It took a long time before I realised that I would never have a conversation that didn't involve my children ever again. I wanted to be interesting and charming company, but I'd roll up in whatever was clean, sleep deprived and constantly checking the time to ensure I wasn't going to miss being home for some precious milestone. Or if the baby was with me wanting to stick rigidly to his routine in favour of actually enjoying the company of my friends.

As Big Boy stopped being a baby and went on to become a toddler I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. He was speaking and walking and eating proper food and all these things made him more portable. We could go for day trips once he dropped his afternoon nap so I'd take him to the London Transport Museum or we could go and visit friends and have play dates. I didn't do this much though and it was telling when he did see other children as he wasn't keen to share anything or have other children in his house touching his toys.

Then Baby Boy came along and all that new found independence - including a return to work that was only a few months in - was gone again. I was thrown into being at home with a child who barely knew me and who needed a lot of attention and care, but who didn't really want it from me. I was stunned. Exhausted. Hurt. For a while I tried to keep going with part time work and shared parenting with Hubbie, but ultimately I needed to make a clean break from work. It was more important that I commit to being with this young boy who was trying to make sense of these huge changes in his life. A new family, a new home, a big brother, a pet cat and so much more.  As well as this there was also the adjustment that Big Boy had to make to being a Big Brother and no longer an only child / grandchild / nephew. It was challenging for all of us.

It hasn't been easy. It's taken a lot of energy and hope and gritted teeth to get this far. I am now as full time Mum as I will ever be. While I would walk Big Boy to Gymboree every day for something to do it was more about me seeking support and help that about the experience he was having. I hated parks and soft play, but I took him. With Baby Boy we go to playgroups that I like where I know he's having fun and where I feel relaxed. We go to the park that is opposite Waitrose and he plays while I sip my free tea. I take him swimming and accept that this is all about his pace and when he's ready. I don't take him to rhyme time because he won't sit still and it's not my idea of fun to chase him around and lift him up when he's trying to wriggle away from me.

In short I think I'm getting the idea of how to do this stay at home parent thing. That it's not about substituting my work self for my parent self. I am complete in whatever I'm doing. If I'm helping at playgroup that's something I can do with pride. If I don't like a playgroup I don't have to keep going. I only go to the shops where the staff are nice to me and my kids - they even ask after the boys if I go without them.

It's taken me 5 years to figure out how to make this experience work for me and my sons. I wish it hadn't taken so long, but at least I'm here now.

Being savvy now could help you be happy later

This afternoon I was in the garden and I heard our next door neighbour cutting back the high trees in the back garden. I called over to him, "are you practising for your retirement Martin ?" and he said he was getting used to being free and able to spend more time gardening. He is retiring next year and as a company director he has a pension and probably savings too. Our situation is not as fortunate and like many others I do wonder what the prospects are for me and Hubbie compared with our own retired parents and neighbours. I often joke about how I'll spend my retirement years doing all the things I don't have time to now. A bit of gardening, some travel, lots of swimming, yoga and running and plenty of writing and radio shows. In actual fact I have no idea what resources I will have to live on as like a lot of women I've taken time off from my working life to raise children and this has implications for my pension. 

I was asked to check out a new website called  Retire Savvy which was created by Skipton Building society to help people plan for retirement. The website isn't about just promoting their own products or services, it offers advice and answers questions about retirement planning and pensions in general. I did think at first sight that this was only aimed at older people as the only two menu options were 'are you retired ?' or ' are you approaching retirement ?' of which I am neither. On closer inspection it did have some useful information for me though.

I've changed jobs a fair amount in my working life and have paid into a number of pensions including a public sector one. I have never fully understood if this would pay out a reasonable amount in retirement and this site isn't about to answer that question, but it did help me find out how to amalgamate those small sums of money into a more manageable single investment fund. I also read found it interesting to see that range of 'frequently asked questions' asked about pensions aren't that different from mine. I don't feel nearly so silly any more.

Of course being a stay at home parent does impact highly on the potential income you can expect to have in retirement and a bit more around this would have been helpful. It is those of us who don't have a long history of consistent payments into a pension fund who will be most worried about what happens when we get to retire - whenever that will eventually be.

No one knows what will happen in later life. Hubbie has parents who both have a nice retired life with a good income and flashy holidays because father-in-law has always been pretty savvy with his investments and they both had good company pensions. We don't expect anything like as wealthy a retirement, but knowing that we have done our best to plan for it now is reassuring.

If you have questions about retirement planning this is a good place to start. They even have a jargon buster page so you can check out what all those terms in the small (and big) print mean.  It won't necessarily answer all your questions, but it's a good place to get some basics and for me it did spur me into looking at what I have already paid into and ensuring I don't lose it out of sheer incompetence. After all it's my money that I've paid in so I should check where it is and make sure it's working for me.

If I'm savvy about it now then I can spend more time enjoying retirement rather than worrying about it. 

I was asked to review retiresavvy.skipton.co.uk by Skipton and the Mumsnet Bloggers Network. All views are my own. I was entered into a prize draw to win vouchers as a token of thanks for blogging. View other blogs on this topic here: http://www.mumsnet.com/bloggers/retiresavvy-portal-what-our-bloggers-thought-

Don't mind me, I'm just losing my mind

So it started when I was swimming and I started to remember the things I've done wrong in all my previous jobs. I relived the bad feeling when I'd make mistakes and the resulting downturn in mood stayed with me long after I got out and dried off.

Then it was the random shouting for no reason at both long-suffering Hubbie and probably going to be scarred for life son. Ok, there is always a reason, but it's very rarely a good one.

Then I left my Oyster card somewhere and nearly lost my mind as I rummaged through my bag trying to find it. I always put it in the same place to make sure I never forget it so this was just baffling to me. Hubbie found it in the pocket of a jacket that I can't recall wearing this year. Nope, no idea.

Then I 'lost' my phone. Cue a day of running around trying to block it and panicking as I didn't have any of the addresses I needed for my day to go as planned. It had fallen out of my pocket onto the seat of a friend's car and as I peered in through the window I was relieved to have found it, but then worried that a passing opportunist thief would spot it too and it would be the cause of a break in. It wasn't and I got it back later - phew !

Then I was putting away shopping - admittedly in a rush - and in my haste I caught the bag that was sitting on the cooker top and everything went slow motion as I watched it fall off. I tried to catch the bag, failed and a large pot of mushroom sauce hit the ground - hard. On impact it shattered and went all over the floor, the cabinets, my legs... Well, to save time in the telling, it went everywhere.

Career woman

Sigh.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am stressed.

Well, actually that I am panicking about my new job. The one that I start tomorrow. After being a stay at home parent with my son for the majority of his 4 years on this Earth. It's taken me over a year to get this job and I was starting to become convinced that it was ageism that was preventing me from returning to the workplace. I think that may have been part of it - after all I was under 40 the last time I was working full time and I wasn't a parent then either. This time I've been sorting out childcare and after school planning and organising how I'll travel to all the different locations for meetings while also making sure the boy gets to school, then home again and fed. 

My boy has spiralled out of control this week which has added to my woes, but he has clearly fed off my anxiety. I've talked to him about my going back to work and how things will be different, but he will still be the most important consideration for me and Daddy. I've been saying reassuring things, but it's inevitable that there is some fear of change for all of us.

Then at the end of the week I was exhausted from all the effort and had reached the end of my tether. I could not handle his belligerence any more. A bad incident at his school and yet another withering look from his class teacher and I was done in. I got down to his level and explained.
" I have to go to work my darling. I can't be at home with you any more."
"Why not Mummy ?"
"Because it's too much. You're at school all day so you don't need me, but you aren't being very nice right now and I need to be somewhere else and doing something else."
"Why Mummy ?"
"I've had enough honey. This week my brain hurts. It's making me get everything wrong. I've lost my phone, I've lost my Oyster and I feel like I'm going mad."
He looked at me and then put his arms around me.
"Why didn't you tell me Mummy ?"
"What do you mean Sweetie ?"
"You can tell me when things are going wrong Mummy."
I paused to process what my 4 year old boy was saying.
"Ok I will."
He looked me in the eyes earnestly and held my face - now damp with tears - in his little hands,
"Do you promise Mummy ?"
"Yes darling, I promise."

Right, I'm off to pack my bag for my first day.

*sniff*

And what about me eh ?