Saturday 5 October 2013

"I'd give anything to have biscuit crumbs trodden into the carpet."

I was driving back from a yoga training day today and listening to Radio 4. It was a repeat of Woman's Hour with Jane Garvey and I heard an interview with Jody Day for the second time this week about her experience of being a childless woman. It moved me when I heard it the first time, but I was doing chores that time and today I was properly listening. It was a breathtakingly honest account of discovering one day that having children just isn't going to happen. In addition to dealing with the grief at this realisation there is the loneliness as friends with children slowly let you go as they carry on with their lives as a family.

drinking in a bar in greece before we became parents
The interview hit a chord with me for two reasons. At one point we were told we wouldn't have children and it reminded me how it felt when that was the realistic future that me and Hubbie had to come to terms with. One day I was sitting reading a magazine at the hairdressers and I phoned Hubbie from under the dryer to ask if he'd agree to adopting one of the millions of abandoned girl children from India. Another time I called him to say that I'd heard about some healing technique that had amazing results and we just had to try it. We were asked constantly when we were going to have children and some family members were less than subtle about it. As well as being asked about it we also had to contend with other people who were having babies. It broke my heart hearing we wouldn't have a baby. It broke Hubbie's heart too and he even suggested I might want to be with someone else who might be a better bet. I nearly hit him for that.

It could have broken us. Thankfully it didn't.

The other reason is because now we do have a son and when I met up with friends recently we were chatting. I mentioned how I missed going out as much as they do and having holidays and other things that we don't do as much any more now we are parents. My friend said she would love to be in my position and have a child and a family life. I was reminded of that today on Radio 4 when a listener said she would give anything to have biscuit crumbs on her carpet rather than a clean and tidy childless home. That made me choke. Not a good thing when you're on the M25.

I know how it feels to long for a child. To try and count the blessings you will have instead of children. The beautiful home free from sticky fingerprints and the expensive holidays instead of day trips to Legoland and Chessington. I also know that I had a career because I didn't have children. I wasn't a 'career woman' out of choice. Hubbie was willing to endure acupuncture in our pursuit of parenthood - he is terrified of needles.

glamorous handbag with Mum things in
Of course I know that not every woman wants to have children, but I also know that when it is not an option it just feels so very unfair. I also know that being told you're so lucky that you don't get woken up early is not reassuring. That owning a gorgeous handbag that won't have upturned juice cartons and gummy sweets in it is no consolation when you want someone to call you Mummy. I know that having a spontaneous and inventive sex life with your partner doesn't necessarily make up for having a second bedroom that you would have loved to have been a nursery.

Most importantly that interview reminded me today that I should never forget to be a kind and considerate friend.

I remember how it felt to long for what I now have.

9 comments:

  1. I didn't have the same experiences, so although it took us some time and some medical assistance, I wouldn't dream of saying I know what you've gone through. Having said that. I wanted to say that your post touched me, and that I am happy for you that you got to be mum, and have crumbs :)

    *Got here from #MBPW

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    1. To be honest crumbs drive me potty, but I'd rather have them than not.

      Thanks for your lovely comments xx

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  2. What a beautifully written post. So eloquent, poignant and I know very heartfelt. I know we waited a long time for our children and sometimes get caught up in trying to make the most every moment. However your post has shown that as important as that is and we recognise that we must never forgot to be kind and considerate to all our lovely friends. Thanks for sharing in such a personal and honest way xxx

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    1. Thanks love - it is a stark reminder of what it was like before he was in our lives. Our friends were an amazing support at that time and are equally fantastic now that he is here.
      I know you get why it is such a big deal too xxx

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  3. Lovely post. I like to think I never took it for granted that children would be possible but every now and then, it does me good to stop and truly appreciate the wonder of having 3 beautiful healthy girls. Long may I relish those crumbs and be mindful of those who would dearly love to experience them.

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    1. Thanks Helen,
      It really is difficult when the days are long and the kids are being noisy, messy or annoying, but the radio interview really took me back to how sad it was to not have any of it.
      Well, Hubbie was sometimes noisy, messy and annoying, but that's another story :o)

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  5. BMJB: Thank you for reminding me of my blessings during a difficult time with my 3 year old

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    1. You're very welcome.
      Every day life and strife can sometimes be difficult, but when he's asleep I always look at my son and give thanks that he is with us.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment :o)

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