Grr, I'm a sleepasaurus

I'm typing this post with one hand - yes be impressed, its not easy. With the other hand I'm holding the cat's paw - he's asleep with his head hanging off the sofa and I'm thinking if he slips I can stop him falling off. Ok, you're not impressed any more are you ? It's alright for him - he spends more hours asleep than awake and when the kids are annoying he just leaves the house. I wish I could do that.

At the moment I'm sleep deprived to the point of hallucination and every screech from either of my boys or the cat sets my teeth on edge. I'm annoyed all the time and so clumsy it's not even funny. I have to double check I'm wearing actual shoes when I leave the house these days. I've developed that phantom hearing where I am convinced I can hear the sound of my kids even when the whole house is asleep and I'm not. How is it that when we're tired it's so difficult to actually fall asleep ?

Anyway, I've been forcing myself to go to sleep earlier every night to counteract the waking up to a screeching infant at 3am and 5am. Last night just before I peeled myself off the sofa to go to bed with a book that I never actually read I saw a link to this song. I played it and it took me back to my uni days - when sleep deprivation was voluntary. I have no memory of how it feels to have the luxury of choosing to stay up late and not having to wake up at dawn to attend to the needs of two boys, a cat and a husband. Mind you at this point I have no memory of what I ate for breakfast.

So, as I carry my sorry and tired self up to bed early I leave you with this little tune - with a warning that there is some language that you may not want your kids to hear in this.

Enjoy :)

zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Sandals, sarong and a stack of books. Check.

It took some to-ing and fro-ing (an identity verification issue and resending of birth certificate and a refund of my check and send fee from the Post Office), but we now have passports for my boy and me. His first one and finally my passport in my married name - about time too as it's our 7th anniversary this week. You see I'd renewed my passport the year before we got married - I didn't know we'd be hitched the following year - and I was loathe to pay for a new passport just to change my name. The boy has never flown before so we thought we'd better choose a short flight for his first time and go somewhere warm and relaxing.

I know I need a holiday because Seasonal Affective Disorder has set in with a vengeance. The wet and windy weather is making me feel angry and upset and the only cheery moment of the day is when the boy kicks through what we now call, "crunchy munchy leaves" (thank you Octonauts). It's a miserable time of year for me and many others so I think a break should pretty much be prescribed by a medical professional. I mean the signs of distress are unmistakeable:

• The highlight of my week so far has been that I spent all morning cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, let's be fair though it's only Tuesday so there is time for things to improve 

• It's so rainy and windy outside that we're eating comfort foods and feeling stuffed. I'd much rather be outside in a warmer climate eating salads and fruit and drinking wine for lunch 

• I've had to take the cardigans and scarves from the back of the wardrobe and put the summer clothes to the back - that's not right is it ? 

• The cat is permanently fixed to his beanbag upstairs. If even he won't go out then it's either the end of days or winter - same thing really

• I'm starting to sympathise with the white witch in Narnia. No wonder she was pissed off, who wants to have to deal with frizzy hair all the time from the cold and rain ? At least if it's proper winter with snow you can wrap up warm and cosy. This in between weather is just infuriating.

So the plan is to book somewhere not too far and warm enough for me to wear sandals. Where the boy can splash in a pool and play all day. Where Hubbie can watch sports and lie in the sun (and preferably not burn). Where I can read sit under a massive parasol, swim a bit, read lots of books and not cook for a week.

Ah, holidays… I love and miss you so much.

Anger management course week 3: From Breakdown to Breakthrough

Something happened for the first time in our relationship the other day. I said to Hubbie this weekend words he's never heard before. 

"I don't know what we're going to eat tonight. I haven't bought anything or thought about it." This from a woman who has the meal plan on the fridge and a shopping list planned meticulously around what we're eating on every day of the week. 

Now if you're a randomer who flies by the seat of your pants on important issues like meal planning you won't get the significance of this. You see being organised is my raison d'etre. If I can't plan a meal, how on earth can I manage anything more complicated like dealing with a toddler's moods ?

On any given week I plan a radio show, the week's meals, my son's outfits, my lunches at work, the complex range of classes I go to in the evenings and ensure we don't run out of milk or bread. It's because of all these things that I run the daily risk of going to work on the train wearing 2 different shoes (best case scenario) or trousers that don't fit me and fall down as I run for the train (worst case scenario and yes this did actually happen to me). 

I can only surmise that something is going wrong and it's now that I've done 3 weeks of anger management for parents that I have any idea what it might be:

1. I've returned to work and it is a stressful job

2. My boy is properly going through the terrible twos and it's very, very hard work

3. I'm trying to do too much (clean the house, go to work, plan and cook meals, exercise to lose weight) and there is only one of me

4. I'm just so bloody tired all the time

I feel broken into bits - tired in body and mind. The kind of tired you are when you're a new parent and you can barely function. I can't think straight and my normal levels of organisation and planning have all but gone. I am not someone who asks for help and I do not tell anyone when I am falling apart. I keep going. I keep trying to do everything. It's a mechanism I have developed over the years to stave off depression as you can't have time to feel depressed if you're busy can you ? 

So I knew it had gone too far when this weekend after two days of being away from my boys I didn't actually want to spend time with them on the one day we had left together. Now I take my family time with Hubbie and my boy very seriously. When I'm not with them I ache from missing them so much - going to work is a great distraction as I can't think about not being with them if I'm busy. Feeling so upset that I don't want to be with them when they are right there is not a good sign. 

We all have bad days. Being told that the boy has broken something or hit someone at nursery is pretty bad. Not caring about it is worse. I've been doing the anger management so that I can use coping mechanisms to deal with his tantrums and to stop me having a meltdown of my own. I love him, but I have to be clear about what is not ok to do and not lose my mind at every small transgression. Being upset because he's run out into the road is understandable, but yelling the house down because he's dropped a biscuit not so much. 

So consider this post my public declaration of a cry for help. Since I started writing it I feel loads better just for saying it out loud. There is a lot more to say, but I'm going to bed early tonight to get some rest.

Only one more week of the course to go...