Only 42 days to go... and counting.

Before the boys finished school for the summer I had all these great plans. I would be at home with them and take them swimming and we'd do arts and crafts and maybe some baking. I'd be at home with them for lazy days and we'd go out for some active days. I even mentioned that we might go into London and maybe meet Hubbie for lunch as he works so close to the science museum.

Then we had the holiday week in Cornwall. Somewhere we've been before that is perfect for kids and that our boys have loved in the past. The whole week Brown Bear was just awful and argumentative and obstructive and... well just horrible. We took him on the feed run and he refused to join in. I took him surfing and despite having a great time he complained afterwards that he hadn't enjoyed it at all. When we got back from our holiday I took him to a movie preview screening and he loved it, but still insisted that he wasn't having a good time. I almost gave up, but took him to the Transport Museum (we were close to Covent Garden anyway) and he seemed to be ok with that. Until we got home and it all started again. 

Then Blue Bear started and would spend most of the day screaming and biting his brother. Badly. He left teeth marks and drew blood. It was horrific. The screaming and laughing as they chased each other around playing turning into screaming and crying as Blue Bear ran off and Brown Bear enacted a death scene from Saving Private Ryan. Blue Bear can be every bit as trying as his brother, but he's small enough to pick up and move if he's unruly.

It would be fair to say that I did not enjoy the beginning of our time together at home.  

I've been home with the boys for two weeks now and my throat is sore from threats and my eyes are stinging from all the tears I've cried at how useless I am at this. There are parents who home educate their children and are with them all the time. Why can't I be with mine for the time they are off school and nursery ? What does it say about my inability to parent these demanding petulant aggressive children ? 

So, I have admitted defeat. Yep, two weeks into being at home with my own children I have decided to outsource them for the holidays. I'm not going to bake, or take him swimming (again) and I won't be thinking of nice parks to go to or creative lunches for us to enjoy. No day trips to museums and impromptu visits to meet Daddy for lunch. From today the boys are taking a packed lunch and going to a playscheme where I know they will play with friends and run around enjoying sports and fun activities.

And what will I do ? I will catch my breath. Sit and watch TV if I want to, switch on the radio and do chores if I want to or just lie down if I want to. I feel broken already. Like a big old parenting failure. What is it about me that I can't even take care of my own children without it overwhelming me and making me feel like I wish I wasn't with them ?

Whatever it is I'm counting down the days until they are back at school and nursery.

Only 42 days to go.

Wish me luck.