What's white, furry and purrs a lot ?

It's hardly news that I love my cat. From the day we met him at Battersea Cats and Dogs home and he decided he was going to live with us we've been very close. When he first came to live with us I would rush home from work to see him as he wasn't allowed out for a few weeks and didn't like being inside. He's always been affectionate and friendly and when I was pregnant he used to lie down with me. As my belly grew bigger, Neo became more protective of me and the baby. Until the day Neo got an unexpected boot from the unknown family member while he was snoozing on my belly. It was very funny.

His relationship with us as a family has developed to include first one baby - who grew into a handsy toddler - then a new child who he has also taught to give him biscuits. He loves company and often sleeps on Brown Bear's bed. They are such great pals it's wonderful to see. When I'm home he comes to sit next to me and keeps me company. I will admit I do spoil him. He has a soft bed in most rooms in the house and I have a special fleece blanket for him to lie down on the sofa. Recently he started to drink from my glass of water so I now leave bowls of water all over the house for  him. It's just the decent thing to do isn't it ?

People are asking me how old Neo is now and when I tell them they reply with remarks like, "well that's a good age,' or "Oh he's an old man now." None of these comments inspire me to want to talk to them much further. According to the vet if he was a human he would be around 75 years old. He's doing far better than any human I know of that age range. In reality - of course - he is an ageing cat and that means he is becoming an old man. He is on medication and when I take him to the vet these days they take his blood pressure and check his heart rate. If you have never seen a cat having it's blood pressure taken it is definitely worth it. I'm not sure that Neo would agree.

Of course the unspoken part of all this is that he won't always be with us. It's not a thought I want to consider so when anyone asks me, "will you get another cat when he's gone ?" I swiftly end the conversation and move onto something else. After all at this point he is like any old man, he is grumpy, short tempered, often loses his temper and likes to sleep a lot. As I type this he is lying with his head against me and is purring. I like to think this is his retirement and he's making the most of it.

What's my job ? Oh, I'm a mum.

On Monday evening I went to an event hosted by Mumsnet in conjunction with Boots No.7 about returning to work with confidence. The panel discussion was interesting as we heard from women from a range of careers including a high level fund manager, a model and a fashion writer. Each of them had taken a break to have a baby with varying levels of financial support and each had to negotiate a return to work taking into account their childcare needs.

It may sound naive, but I hadn't appreciated that so many of us have the same issues with employment. I worked for over 20 years before I fell pregnant with Brown Bear and the prospect of maternity leave was both enticing (a break from work - how little I knew !) and terrifying. What would I return to ? Would I even have a job to go back to ? As it happens I took the full year of leave and when I did return to work I made the decision to take voluntary redundancy and stay at home with my son for longer. I don't for a minute regret that decsion and I am so lucky that I was able to do this, so many mums aren't able to stay at home if they want to. I knew going back into work would be difficult, but I had no idea how much or why.

I've written before about the Motherhood penalty and the Fatherhood bonus. It's a phenomenon that's been studied by academics specialising in gender studies where women who have children find their careers suffer whereas men who do the same are actually rewarded with promotion, pay rises and even flexibility in work patterns. This is not the case for everyone by any means, but I am feeling how real this is right now. Before I had children I earned a very decent salary, had status and responsibility. I was able to pay my own way and to enjoy holidays and to buy things as I wanted. I now earn nothing at all, my status is defined by my children and I don't have the independence to spend money as I could before. I'm not suffering by any means. This isn't a 'poor me' diatribe. It's more frustration at the difficulty I now face in securing employment now I am a parent.

Once Brown Bear started at school I was working in a job I really enjoyed with responsibility and a decent salary. It was a maternity cover, but I hoped it would be a springboard to a career change for me. Instead we found out that we had been matched with Blue Bear and I found myself once again taking leave from work to raise a child. I didn't qualify for adoption leave or adoption pay - I missed out by a few weeks, but there you go. It was the right thing to do and again I'm so glad I did stay with him as it's made such a difference to how well he's settled into the family. My commitment to my children and my family overall is what has kept me going through a period where I have slowly depleted my resources, grown older and become more detached from the working world.

Listening to the panellists on Monday evening I was inspired to try again to get back into work and not to apologise for being a Mum. In the past I've found myself taking on far more hours than I can comfortably manage and neglecting my family as a result. I no longer want to put my sons into breakfast club and creche just so I can work. With so many women in the workplace surely employers can meet us in the middle and make the most of our skills and experience ?

Another topic that was covered by the panel was the concept of asking Hubbie (or whoever is your significant other) for help instead of it being a shared responsibilty from day one. When I went to work we discussed how to make it work. After a few months of being miserable, tired, overworked and feeling like a failure I talked to Hubbie and he suggested a different way of working where he and I shared the childcare. It made such a big difference. We were fortunate that his employer was willing to accommodate our needs, but I am now not so timid to ask for his assistance when I need it. I used to treat his job as having hallowed status and put my own needs last.

Following the panel discussion I had a mini makeover with lovely Rachael from No.7. I talked to her about my love of Boots No.7 and in over 20 years my skin has changed but my skincare routine hasn't. We're told appearance isn't the be all and end all, but it's all part of the armour of going out of the house and being someone other than mum for a while. I left the event with lovely make up on and a confidence that I will be able to go back into the workplace on my terms.

Being a mum is a huge part of who I am now, but it's not all I am or all I can do.

Take it away Dolly.

Breakfast in bed and other fantasies

In what can only be a ridiculous trick of fate it's mothering sunday tomorrow and also the day that the clocks go forward for daylight saving. So I get to enjoy an hour less sleep before 'my day.' Of course it's not strictly mine. I'm not greedy and I do realise that I share it with other mothers, grandmothers, carers and special people. Last weekend we took mother in law out for lunch to celebrate with her and tomorrow Hubbie is taking the bears to visit my mum so she can spend it with her grandchildren. We like to spoil the mums and seeing the boys makes them happy so that's two for one right there. 

Movie night with my boy 

On Friday evening me and Brown Bear held our inaugural movie night with popcorn, marshmallows, big drinks and the Empire Strikes Back. I wanted to do something with just him and me and I hope to make it a regular thing. It's little things like this that I love to do and it doesn't have to be on a special day. The other weekend we made indian food together and he tried a few dishes he's never eaten before. You see this is what I like to do with my kids and I'd rather do that on any day than make a fuss on one day of the year. I don't need the album full of terrible ballads that's released for mothering sunday, or a bouquet at an inflated cost and with a high quotient of pink and purple flowers in it. 

For the last week or so the boys have been making gifts at school and nursery and Brown Bear has already given me two cards in advance. He's terrible at keeping secrets and can't stop himself giving things away which is so sweet. Blue Bear is pretty oblivious to it really, but he's going to do whatever his brother does so I expect a hilarious double act to ensue. 

So what am I doing tomorrow ? I'd like to wake up in newly changed sheets, but that means I have to do them tonight. I'd like breakfast in bed, so I've bought everything I like so that it's already in the house and all they have to do is assemble it. Then I'm spending the day at a yoga workshop with fellow graduates of the school where I trained to teach. I will spend the morning with my boys - of course - but for 'my day' I want to do something just for me. This way I don't have to be on my best behaviour for my boys, I can relax and be a grown up with other grown ups and they can brighten someone else's day instead. I'm doing this my way. I'm mum every day so I think I can have one day when I'm off the clock. Also, considering that I'll be getting one hour fewer I don't want to squander it telling them not to argue or asking them to put socks on. 

I will also be thinking of those who will not be celebrating tomorrow and for whom mothering sunday may be a sad or difficult day. 

Right, I've got to get an early night !!