Rolling my eyes: Everyday sexism / racism / homophobia

There are few things that raise my hackles more than isms - you know sexism, racism, ageism, etc. It's been a weird week as there have been cases of quite a few of them in the news. I'm singling out these headlines* because they've really made me shake my head and feel quite sad.

(*these were made up by me - they aren't actual headlines - well I don't think they are)

All Egyptians are white aren't they ? 

Rupert Murdoch, a man known mostly for being old, white and rich remarked on Twitter that he couldn't fathom why there was hostility at the casting of white actors in a film about Moses. No, not Gwyneth and Chris Martin's son, the other one, you know possibly the most famous Egyptian ever.  His disbelief at claims of racism in the white only casting was based on his assertion that all the Egyptians he knows are white. It is entirely coincidental that the movie is being distributed by a company he owns of course. Twitter exploded amidst challenges to his understanding of racism - missing the point that he probably doesn't really tweet himself and doesn't he use the standard disclaimer 'all views my own.' Not that anyone who want to own his views other than him of course. Clearly he is so untouchable that he honestly believes he can just say anything because being so old and rich and white there are no consequences.

Samantha is a goer and she loves it

Radio 4 comedy show I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue has been running for years and with mostly the same all male cast. There is a running series of jokes about the fictional 'Samantha' that essentially are about her sexual veracity and this caused one listener to complain to the BBC trust. The trust found that the show had no case to answer. So ISIHAC rules that sexist jokes will stay, but they will endeavour to have more women on having argued with Stella Duffy that one of the existing panel would have to die before there was room for a woman. Yes, this did happen. A few months ago Stella was guest presenting Pick of the Week and we were discussing how few women are on panel shows on Radio 4. Stella challenged the ISIHAC team to respond to the claim that they don't welcome women guest panellists and they were quite aggressive on Twitter arguing that it was tradition and which of the living esteemed original players did she want them to sack to make way for a woman ? Woah there with that passive aggressive defence of the male panellist there Radio 4. 

Woman takes off top and the world doesn't end.

I always loved Madonna. I admired her tenacity, her capacity for hard work and her amazing body. How she came from very little to being rich, powerful and didn't care about what anyone thought of her. I wore armfuls of rubber bracelets and lace rags in my hair during the Susan days and her single handed revolution in making yoga the class of choice for urban women was amazing to witness. She is now 56 and surely everyone who wants to - and most who don't - have seen Madonna naked by now. It is hardly a shock to anyone and frankly if she wants to take her top off and be photographed you can choose not to buy the magazine. It's like those people who announce on Facebook that they are 'taking a break' and then hang around to see who cares enough to ask them to stay. Honestly, if you are going to be offended, just don't look. Sheesh !! 

Teenagers look sullen and wear short skirts.

A communications aide to a Republican senator saw fit to trash 'The First Family' and lost her job as a result. Elizabeth Lauten took offence at photos of President Obama's teenage daughters looking fed up while watching him pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving. It wasn't just their sullen looks and folded arms, but the fact that they were wearing short skirts that was considered disrespectful - it was unclear whether this was to the turkey or the nation as a whole. She also tore into the parents as bad role models for the girls. It's not often we witness ageism of young people, but this was pretty appalling behaviour towards young women who have no choice, but to be photographed and commented on. Making it about their clothes and appearance is just crass. 

 Jack and Sarah

During a plenary session at the recent Mumsnet Blogfest journalist Sarah Vine impressed friends I was sitting with as she seemed pretty reasonable and canny. Prejudiced by the knowledge of who she is married to, I wanted to disagree, but I did concede that she came across well. She's hardly a Liz Jones or Toby Jones Young type who will openly court hostility from the crowd so it was hardly surprising really. It was very disappointing then to read about the spat she got into with Jack Monroe that descended into homophobic rhetoric. You can look up the entire story so I won't go into it here, but I will say that I don't think Jack was kind in her initial comments about the late son of the PM. In response Sarah came across as homophobic when she suggested that being a gay parent was a selfish and irresponsible choice. It's so very medieval and neither of them comes out of this covered in glory.

My head hurts this evening and it's hardly surprising is it ?

I'm hoping that the next week is better.

When did I learn that my body wasn't good enough ?

If I keep saying it maybe I'll buy it ?

You may have seen an article by comedian Sarah Millican recently about the criticism of her outfit - and her appearance in general - at the BAFTAs last year. Her point was that she's a comedian for a  living, not a model, and her appearance should be irrelevant. The unkindness directed towards her is a symptom of how we treat women in society and how judgemental the media is. It is something a lot of women can identify with. Well maybe not the full on assault of Twitter, but certainly being criticised by other people for what we're wearing or how we look is not unfamiliar to most women. 

I was thinking the other day about how I hear the voice in my head that criticises what I'm wearing or how I look and no matter what Hubbie says to reassure me it is irrelevant. Not that his opinion is irrelevant, but the fact that he is ok with how I look just isn't good enough for me to accept as a valid opinion. I wondered when I first heard an 'outer voice' that made me feel there was something wrong with me. Our inner voice comes from somewhere and I wanted to know where mine had originated.

I think it was when I was at school and a few of us were going for a horse riding lesson. No I didn't go to a posh school, it was a one off. We were all in the back of the minibus when one of the girls said that they would need to know our weight to decide what horse to put us on. I had no idea what I weighed. I'd never stood on scales and while I knew I wasn't thin I didn't obsess over statistics, just about my 'fat knees.' As each girl in turn said what they weighed I didn't know what I was going to say as I genuinely didn't know. When they got to me I took a guess based on what the others has said, "I don't know, maybe 8 stone ?" Alison snorted in derision and she and Michelle rolled their eyes at each other as she said, "Yeah, like hell."  I felt ashamed and humiliated. We had been friends at some point and she had decided not to be friends with me any more, but this was the first time she'd actually been a bitch to me.

It was also the first time I'd been made to feel bad about my body. From then on I knew that I was not good enough. That I was too big, too heavy, not tall enough, not pretty enough. My clothes weren't fashionable enough and my style was too weird to fit in. I was teased and picked on for having 'nurses shoes' because my Mum didn't let me wear heels. As a result I found that being sarcastic and caustic was the only way to ward off the nastiness of the other girls. I still catch myself sometimes and think, woah that's a bit too far, no need to be that unkind. It was a defence mechanism back then and it seems to have stuck.

So when I hear that women are being trolled or criticised or threatened for not being feminine enough, or pretty enough, or not wearing a designer dress or for speaking up it makes me feel angry and sad and powerless all at once. As if those school bullies are still getting away with it.

This weekend we had some friends and family over for a barbecue and I wore a dress that's flattering and pretty - for a change from my usual jeans and t-shirts. One of our friends - who is gorgeous - complimented me and I thanked her. Then her husband and I had the following exchange:

Him: "You do look nice, very fifties chic.'
I laughed: "Well I am living the life of a 1950s housewife these days."
Him: " Oh really ? You're not working ?"
Me: "I'm parenting and blogging and doing my radio show."
Him: "So you're not doing anything then ?"

I felt humiliated, ashamed, pointless. Again. The compliment of only a minute before snatched away. Probably my own fault for trying to make light of it, but it was still hurtful.

So what did I learn ? You can either be complimented as nice to look at or you can be respected for having a purpose. It would appear it's not possible to be both.

Either that or I should make new friends.

My so-called life: fakebooking and other social media faux pas

On holiday we kept in touch with world events via BBC News which seemed to be wall to wall analysis of the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Airways plane with an occasional break in of other news stories. Wifi was not easily available so I wasn't social media-ing as much as usual, but did post a few photos when we had some data to use (and when EE wasn't up the swannie). I also heard about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's 'conscious uncoupling' or break-up as most of us would refer to it. Her website GOOP went bust with all the interest in the announcement which she made personally rather than through publicists or an open letter in a newspaper as some celebrities prefer to share their personal dramas.

Most of us have Facebook or Twitter to voice where we are, what we're doing, who we're with, what we're eating or any other mediocre detail of our lives. We all know someone who posts abstract status updates that invite a comment or a sympathetic response and if I get another request to like a photo if I love my kids or hate cancer I will just block that person's sorry ass. Not to mention the people who seem normal, but go and share a homophobic or racist photo / news item that makes me wish I didn't know that about them. We all risk sharing too much.

Then there is the phenomenon of 'fakebooking' or posting selective status updates and creating an alternative life that bears little resemblance to the one we actually live. I'm thinking here of the friend who posts photos of her with her husband and kids and updates such as "Happy Christmas from all of us" as if she hadn't separated from her husband and moved out last year. I don't know whose benefit the fake status updates are for as most of her friends know the situation. Maybe it's for herself ?

It's not a criticism as I am guilty of doing it too. On holiday I posted photos of my boy being cute, smiling, making sandcastles, climbing rope ladders and generally having fun. I didn't let on that most days he was hell on wheels and yelled, screamed, fought and cried through most of the activities pictured. I captured the moment he was smiling, not long after he had been creating and banged his head on the restaurant window causing all the other diners to wince at the thudding sound. I post photos of my son for family members and friends who don't get to see him often because they live in India, Mexico, Argentina, Australia an assorted other world locations.

Windswept

Blowing bubbles 

Social media is a wonderful way to share, but it is also a clever way to lie publicly about how we're doing. From relationship status updates that tell us that the boyfriend is not around any more to the amusing online quizzes that tell us if we're well read or middle class it's a convenient short cut to catch up on relationships that we can't necessarily nurture in the conventional way. Just please don't ask me to like a mindless proposition or share a ridiculous image that will enable spammers to harvest my personal data.

For the record: Yes I hate cancer, Yes I love my son, Yes I love my husband, No I don't support bad stuff and I don't care if me not liking that photo means little Johnny won't get a hamster for his birthday.

Oh and I'm going to keep posting positive images on Facebook. My social media persona is happy, positive, pro-active and lives a golden life. Even if my real one is sitting on the sofa drinking tea and picking cat hairs off my trousers.

Beach bunny

Personal Planner review and giveaway

Now I'm not working I don't have meetings and appointments to keep a note of, but I do already have something in the diary for Nov next year (as it's a birthday pressie for Hubbie I can only tap the side of my nose at this point - sorry). This is a bit organised even for me, but I am a big fan of paper diaries and keeping a note of my 'to do' lists where I can see them - even if I don't tick anything off !

I also record how far I've swum or and how long I've been running for - it's supposed to help with motivation apparently. Also I've signed up to do the half Moonwalk for Breast Cancer in May so I need to remind myself how far away - or close - it is !! Occasionally I'll also keep a note of social events like meeting a friend for afternoon tea or something even more momentous like a holiday - no such luck so far on this one sadly.

Usually I plod round the shops looking for a suitable diary and end up with something temporary only to have to buy another one a month later. Thanks to the lovely folks at Personal Planner I chose a personal planner that was custom made for me from the front cover - which you can personalise with your own image - to the individual pages. I was able to pick all the sections and the layout of the pages so I don't have random bits that I never use and I can record things like my list of jobs for the day and if I've done any exercise or not. The hope is that if I have to put it into my planner I will be more likely to actually make time to go for a swim or a run - let's see shall we ?

The pages have plenty of room to record what I want to be reminded of and there's even a calendar so I can plan ahead. It's the kind of diary and planner that I need and I designed it myself.

Every year I have a trauma finding the right diary for me. In the past I've tried the larger ones with fabulous photos, but they were far too big for my handbag and I ended up replacing them with a small handbag diary that was functional, but not all that nice to look at. You can choose all the accessories too like the ruler that I have inside mine to mark the pages and in case I need to measure something - well you never know do you ?

The best thing about the personal planner is that I know it's suitable for my needs. I chose a design that is compact enough for my handbag and that has all the prompts I need for my life. You can have a look at the full range at the Personal Planner Website

The Giveaway:

Well actually the best thing is that you could win one of these beauties for yourself.  WOO HOO !! The lucky winner of this giveaway can choose a planner in any size and design and it will be sent to you postage free - in around two weeks - so in time for the New Year if you are quick enough !

How to enter: 

All you have to do is leave me a comment about what helps you to plan.
If you tweet about the giveaway too that would be lovely and you can have an extra entry into the draw. My twitter handle is @swazirodgers and the personal planner one is @pplannerUK.

Closing date: 

I'll get my boy to pick a name at random from a Santa themed hat on the closing date of Fri 13th Dec at midday - lucky for someone.

Good luck !!

Disclosure: I received a free personal planner code as part of my goodie bag at Britmums Live this year. I have not been paid for this review, but have been provided with a prize to giveaway to a reader. 

My childhood love of Michael Rosen is rekindled...

Like 18,882 other people I follow Michael Rosen on Twitter. You know him, the poet who wrote for children and performed on television and radio when you were little. The man who told us it was cool to read books and that we were not nerds at all.

Well, he has serious concerns about what is happening to education at the moment - and who can blame him - so I sent him an email this evening outlining a few of my thoughts. Imagine how flabbergasted I was when he replied less than half an hour later asking if he could include my comments on his blog !

He's put them on his blog and now I'm putting them on my blog (which is a curious form of cannibalism surely ?) Anyway, what a lovely man and still the most important advocate for children and reading this country has.

http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/letter-from-parent-of-2-year-old.html

If you want to follow him: http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.com and http://www.michaelrosen.co.uk