And the winner of Mum of the Year is...

Spoiler alert, it's not me. You know those buzzfeed quizzes - the modern equivalent of the Cosmo quiz that offered only A, B or C and only a partial fit for each answer ? Well, I've been considering my own version of one of those called, 'which celebrity mum are you ?" After all if we don't have a celebrity to emulate what are we even doing this for ? All those glossy images of postnatal perfection and aspirational motherhood are there to pin on the fridge aren't they ?

The Angel of them all.

Angelina has it all, adopted children and birth children in her family, perfect lips on her face and Brad Pitt is her Mr. On any given day I can't imagine that Ange yells at her kids to put on their socks or has to negotiate a peace accord between Zahara and Pax because one of them looked at the other one's sandwich. Is it likely that Knox and Vivienne wait until she's about to go into the shower to have an almighty argument resulting in toothpaste on the bathroom floor and a running battle on the landing ? I think not.

Victoria's (parenting) Secrets.

There is no privacy for the Beckham kids, I mean we even know where they were conceived (you know that's why he's called Brooklyn right ?) Vic has always been devoted to her family and now that she's a fashion designer David is a SAHD so I bet she doesn't throw on the first thing that's on the bed to take the kids to school. I am willing to bet real money that she's never gone pant-less and unwashed to the school gate. Of course if David did that wouldn't even be an issue, but that's for another day.

An Apple a day... 

So we know that Gwyneth is all yogic and healthy and stuff, but I bet even she occasionally just has enough of "No, I'm not eating that !" when she's slaved over a macrobiotic feast for Apple and Moses.  When she declares, "well, that's what there is." and is greeted with "nope, still not eating it." Does she resort to (organic, faritrade) beans on (gluten free unbleached) toast though I wonder ?

Cast iron parenting.

For all her madness Cersei Lannister is devoted to her kids. To a fault. Ok, she is also power crazed and morally repugnant, but who can honestly say they don't make some questionable judgements at times ? Especially when it comes to our children. Cersei is ambitious for her kids - and herself - because she knows that as the mother she has influence. She's the mother at my son's school who terrifies me, but whose kids will achieve because if they don't she will put them outside on a ledge until they step up.

Have you had your tea ?

In reality I'm closest to Denise Royle /Best. When I was on maternity leave I would lounge around on the sofa whining that, 'the baby wants a wagon wheel.' Ok, I've never served dairylea on toast for dinner, but the boys do like spaghetti hoops and this evening used frites to scoop them up. Yeah, we do fusion in this house !

I know that the Mum of the Year probably doesn't wipe under boob sweat off with a sports sock she's just taken off (ahem, I've heard that apparently people do this). My only qualification really is that at some point I got lucky enough to be Mum to these boys. I'm not an international jetsetter like Ange or glam like Vic and when I do cook it isn't frou-frou like Gwyneth's. Yes, I'll admit to more than a hint of Game of Thrones influence in my parenting, but I'm more the mother of dragons. When I talk to my Mum she does ask if we've eaten, so maybe she is Barbara to my Denise. In fact I'd nominate my Mum for the award any day of the week.    

My so-called life: fakebooking and other social media faux pas

On holiday we kept in touch with world events via BBC News which seemed to be wall to wall analysis of the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Airways plane with an occasional break in of other news stories. Wifi was not easily available so I wasn't social media-ing as much as usual, but did post a few photos when we had some data to use (and when EE wasn't up the swannie). I also heard about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's 'conscious uncoupling' or break-up as most of us would refer to it. Her website GOOP went bust with all the interest in the announcement which she made personally rather than through publicists or an open letter in a newspaper as some celebrities prefer to share their personal dramas.

Most of us have Facebook or Twitter to voice where we are, what we're doing, who we're with, what we're eating or any other mediocre detail of our lives. We all know someone who posts abstract status updates that invite a comment or a sympathetic response and if I get another request to like a photo if I love my kids or hate cancer I will just block that person's sorry ass. Not to mention the people who seem normal, but go and share a homophobic or racist photo / news item that makes me wish I didn't know that about them. We all risk sharing too much.

Then there is the phenomenon of 'fakebooking' or posting selective status updates and creating an alternative life that bears little resemblance to the one we actually live. I'm thinking here of the friend who posts photos of her with her husband and kids and updates such as "Happy Christmas from all of us" as if she hadn't separated from her husband and moved out last year. I don't know whose benefit the fake status updates are for as most of her friends know the situation. Maybe it's for herself ?

It's not a criticism as I am guilty of doing it too. On holiday I posted photos of my boy being cute, smiling, making sandcastles, climbing rope ladders and generally having fun. I didn't let on that most days he was hell on wheels and yelled, screamed, fought and cried through most of the activities pictured. I captured the moment he was smiling, not long after he had been creating and banged his head on the restaurant window causing all the other diners to wince at the thudding sound. I post photos of my son for family members and friends who don't get to see him often because they live in India, Mexico, Argentina, Australia an assorted other world locations.

Windswept

Blowing bubbles 

Social media is a wonderful way to share, but it is also a clever way to lie publicly about how we're doing. From relationship status updates that tell us that the boyfriend is not around any more to the amusing online quizzes that tell us if we're well read or middle class it's a convenient short cut to catch up on relationships that we can't necessarily nurture in the conventional way. Just please don't ask me to like a mindless proposition or share a ridiculous image that will enable spammers to harvest my personal data.

For the record: Yes I hate cancer, Yes I love my son, Yes I love my husband, No I don't support bad stuff and I don't care if me not liking that photo means little Johnny won't get a hamster for his birthday.

Oh and I'm going to keep posting positive images on Facebook. My social media persona is happy, positive, pro-active and lives a golden life. Even if my real one is sitting on the sofa drinking tea and picking cat hairs off my trousers.

Beach bunny