Saturday 17 August 2013

Don't mess with me - I'm a Mum !

working mum image in a suit with a baby bottle
In the last week I've heard more than one discussion that has been focused on the old and - I believe - false distinction between Mums who work and those who stay at home. In one case it was about how women who don't have kids resent those who do as they feel they have to pick up the slack left by their workshy parent colleagues. Then there is that old chestnut about working mums vs stay at home mums. On Radio 4 You and Yours had a woman representing stay at home Mums and a lawyer who returned to work two weeks after giving birth to each of her five children. One caller referred to her role staying at home being so vital because "the most important thing we can give our children is love," thus implying that by returning to work a mother does not love her children as much.

I say it's a false distinction because I honestly believe that with a few exceptions we are all doing the best we can. If we're working we're trying to do the best for our family and if we're at home we're trying to do the best for our family too. No one is deliberately trying to compete with 'the other side' and what about those of us who do both ? I work some of the time, parent most of the time and feel like I'm underperforming all of the time.

The most recent discussion has been about discrimination against women returning from maternity leave and I can very closely identify with this. I returned to work after a year at home with my son and I believe I was constructively dismissed as my boss told me he hadn't been expecting I'd be coming back to his department so he didn't have anything for me to do. At meetings I was invisible and my colleagues pretty much ignored me. When the offer of voluntary redundancy came round I discussed it with Hubbie and we agreed I'd take it and became a stay at home parent as a result. I had worked hard for a promotion before maternity leave in the hope I'd go back to my well paid job and be able to work part time and still earn a good wage. Instead I took a lump sum that cost me my career progression and future job prospects.

baby feet and adult handsNow I'm working again and it's for a lower wage and the work is far more stressful - or does it just seem that way because I'm doing the work while also being a Mum ? I've mentioned before how my own mother worked full time, raised four children and made a home cooked meal every night. She did all this and balanced the family budget on less than I earn now with my part time salary (although I question whether 4 days a week is really part time as it doesn't feel like it !). I've always worried about money. When I had no money I worried about not having enough money. When I earned a lot of money I worried about maintaining my well paid work. Now I worry about having enough money and when I go out for a meal I still scan the menu to make sure I don't pick the most expensive dish and if have wine it's only ever one glass so that I don't go over budget.

We're not badly off by any stretch of the imagination, but I still worry because that's what I'm programmed to do. I ponder the career cul-de-sac I find myself in and any discussion that suggests my son is adversely affected by my being a working mother adds to my anxiety. Bottom line is that some women want to work and some women have to work. Some women choose to stay at home with their children and some don't get a choice. Creating these false walls and comparing apples with oranges doesn't put food on the table or get the children ready for school. It just makes some of us feel a little bit worse.

I don't know about you, but I really don't have time for all that. I have a Hubbie, a son and a cat to take care of. 

10 comments:

  1. Love this post. Completely agree, at the end of the day whatever our working situations we all want to do our best for our families.

    I was actually in a similar situation to you, I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave, having worked my way up to senior secretary with good pay, I was really dis heartened and I became a stay at home mum until after Millie was born. Then it was a case of needing to work and the only work availible with hours to suit was in a convenience store. So that's where I am until Millie goes to Nursery and I can be more flexible with my hours.

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    1. Thanks lovely.

      I wouldn't change my time at home with my son for anything. It has been wonderful being the one who has taken care of him and even when it's been really difficult I don't regret it.

      It's letting go of my 'career self' that proving very difficult - I'm not used to my main job being Mum.

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  2. I must say as a stay at home mum who has never worked it seems to me that those mothers who work, for whatever reasons still seem to bear the responsibility for the child and home based things in a way that many men who work don't. A double tough job x

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    1. I agree - either side of 'going to work' it feels like I've already done a day's work and when I get in from the office I'm doing my 'other job' again.

      I'm not complaining, because I love being my son's Mum, but it isn't an either/or situation like it's often portrayed.

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  3. Great post - and so true. I've been at home for 7 years (with a few short bursts of working) with my 2 kids. My youngest started school yesterday and I'm now searching for a job. Having stepped off the career ladder, I'm unlikely to get anything as well paid, and may have to do something different. I've had my reasons for staying at home (miscarriages, plus moving across the country so hubby could accept a promotion) but I'm always made to feel guilty about it. Now I want to go back to work, but I'll probably feel guilty about that too! My pet hate is the phrase "working mum". It suggests some of us don't work hard. Parenting is a full-time job that we all have and we do our best.

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    1. Thanks Donna,

      Good luck with your job search- I hope you find something you enjoy. No one has any right to make you feel guilty. It's difficult whatever you choose to do and all you can do is your best.

      I do enjoy working again, but it's been difficult to get used the lower pay and the double responsibility. The saving grace is my son loves being at nursery and it keeps me sane knowing he's enjoying it while I'm at my 'other job.'

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  4. I'm beginning to think that we just can't win - there are pros and cons in both sides; every set of parents that was able to make a choice has chosen what they feel is best for their family, and those of us that just don't have a choice feel guilty enough without all the assumptive judgement lumbering down on us. As you quite rightly say, lets just enjoy it, and leave the worries for later.

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    1. Sadly I think that's true Carie. I had no idea when I became a parent that it was everyone's business how I lived my life and what I chose to do for my son.

      Thanks for commenting :o)

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  5. I agree completely with your last sentence. Great post, honest and so true.
    I have gone through all the options, I've been a stay at home, working, studying, working from home mum. And I got criticism whatever i chose. I worried about money no matter what I did.
    So I think you wrote it brilliantly.

    Got here through Blog Love Day

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    1. Thanks for popping by Orli and for commenting.

      I think it's such a shame that we don't just support each other's choices. It's never simple deciding what to do for the best when our kids are involved as we do feel we are always being judged.

      I'm going to put my fingers in my ears and go "La La can't hear you" from now on I think :o)

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