From tealights to titanium...

I bought a squash the other day. Not a pumpkin, a squash. Blue Bear is really keen that we carve a pumpkin for halloween so this is my compromise.  I have bought a pumpkin and craved a face out of it in the past, but we ended up with a lot of vegetable leftovers which no one wanted to eat. There is only so much curried pumpkin one family can eat and we hit our limit pretty quickly. It's also the fact that I don't really see this as a 'holiday' we should even participate in. When I was a kid it was all about Guy Fawkes and bonfire night. There were kids who would push around a bundle of clothes in an old pram and chant 'penny for the guy' rather than knocking on doors demanding 'trick or treat.'

It's not being a misery to say I don't want to do Halloween. I just don't have any associations with it. I would much rather celebrate Diwali which is colourful, delicious and much more meaningful to me. As we will be away for Diwali this year I'm making sure I take some tea lights with me so that I can still celebrate the festival of lights and remind the boys of their Indian heritage. Wherever I have lived I've always done this. When I was in a shared house at Uni I recall my housemates loved the tea lights and Indian sweets and wanted to know how it meant. I went to the Sikh Temple in Coventry in my Indian clothes and phoned my Mum. It connected me to my family in a way that I needed when I felt as if I was all alone in a place full of people.

So today I took the boys to a temple in Derby. The extra hour helped ensure we were able to fit in a visit to the Sikh Heritage Centre that was also there. I was so proud when I watched my boys go up the holy book and bow their heads as I've shown them since they were babies. We say down to eat in the communal kitchen and they devoured the food that I never make at home. As we walked round the museum of artefacts showing the contributions Sikhs have made in wars all over the world and the atrocities visited upon Sikhs in history my boys asked questions and I told them, "when we go to India I will take you to the Golden Temple so you can see it for real." It means a lot to me that my sons are aware of their Indian roots and that they know about Sikh history and oppression.

It wasn't an easy day. All the firsts are painful. The first wedding anniversary since the break up was this week. I had no idea what to expect. I worked from home so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone and pretend to be ok. It was pretty rubbish actually. Not because I wanted to celebrate or because I miss being married, more the overwhelming grief and loss of a relationship that I wasn't expecting to end as abruptly as it did. At least I didn't have to deal with anyone in person who I didn't want to see that day.

I drove the kids on Friday night for many hours to get to our holiday destination for half term. It as a very long journey and it took hours, but they watched movies in the back of the car and we got here late on Friday night. When they woke up on Saturday morning it was tipping down with rain, but they still got to see the sheep in the field and a rabbit that scampered past the window. It was all I wanted for them this weekend. We stayed inside and watched movies while the rain lashed down outside. We made a den, ate snacks in bed and snuggled under blankets to watch Back to the future (part 2 - we''re working our way through the trilogy).

This morning Blue Bear climbed into bed with me in the early hours - bad dreams again. The extra hour in bed meant nothing as they both woke up at an unearthly hour demanding to watch TV. Still, I did manage to get a bit of a lie in and we did so much today I was genuinely surprised. We went to the temple, met up with lovely friends and made it back in time to watch Back to the Future Part 3. I have never actually watched it before so that was a first.

Everyone is telling me I can do this - that I am strong and capable. I'm not convinced actually. I often feel overwhelmed, sad, lonely, angry, bewildered and guilty, Oh so guilty, For not being a good enough mother, for not getting it right and for being a failure. Then today I looked at my boys laughing and playing in the park with the friends they see rarely. Blue Bear pushing the roundabout slowly because the little girl was scared if it went too fast. Brown Bear exclaiming his feet were too big for the playground toys he was on with his oldest friend.

Both boys hugged me tonight and wished me happy Diwali. It was a difficult day in many ways. It was also magical in so many others. I lit a few beautiful tealights this evening in celebration. The boys asked me why and I explained that is what we do to bring light to darkness.

No, I'm not ok. I don't know when I will be. What I do know, however, is that I have these incredible kids who love and accept me for who I am. However much of a failure I might consider myself to be.

Pinch Punch first day of the month (and no returns !!)

I know it's past midday, so strictly speaking I can't do the whole pinch punch thing, but I'm going to anyway. Who made that rule by the way ? Does anyone know ? Is it universal ? Anyway, that's not what this post is about. Like a lot of people I cannot believe it's November already. Not just because this means it's Hubbie's birthday next week and my sister's birthday later this month, but because it means we're almost done with this year. I still haven't got the hang of writing 2013 yet and before we know it's going to be over. Maybe that is a good thing as I might do better with 2014 than I did this one. Last year was signified by the Olympics and Paralympics, but this one didn't have anything quite so grand going on so it seems to have just gone past without any particular fanfare.

In addition to family birthdays this month we also have Diwali which is a big thing in my family and I'm excited that my boy is old enough to enjoy it this year. We're taking him to visit my Mum on Sunday and he'll be fed to within an inch of his life and he'll get showered with presents. My own memories of Diwali (in common with most indian celebrations) are all about the food, but here's my beginners guide to the festival of lights:

1. There will be food. Lots of food. Most of it sweet, or fried, or both. If you're going to visit indian people don't eat beforehand. Seriously, you may need a stomach pump if you try to be a hero. Hubbie learned this on his first visit to my parents and has never made the mistake again. He prepares by fasting for around a day and a half before a visit to the in-laws now.

2. Presents. You get them and give them and hence it's known by some people as the indian equivalent of Christmas - it's not, but I won't go into that here. It is, however, a chance to buy and wear shiny new clothes and for the indian lads in Southall an opportunity to drive slowly up and down the Broadway calling out to all the girls in their finery. It is primitive I know, but hilarious when the feisty girls put them down in their inimitable fashion.

3. Cleaning. Now if you know me at all you'll know that I am partial to a bit of cleaning so this is almost my favourite part. The idea is that you clean the house from top to bottom in preparation for a new start. I'm doing it tomorrow - I'm really looking forward to it. Don't call me, I won't reply, this is my therapy. I feel you judging me - I just don't care.

4. Lights. On the actual night we put a nightlight in every room in the house and some outside the doors to welcome the light in and keep the darkness out. It's a lovely tradition, apart from the one year that the nightlight burnt through the toilet cistern in my parents' house and I woke my sisters up as I'd smelled burning - we didn't have a smoke alarm - it was all a bit dramatic really.

5.  Fireworks. When we were kids we always had two bites of the cherry with fireworks as we'd have some on bonfire night and even more on Diwali. My Mum would always buy twice as many and we'd choose the best ones to save for Diwali night. You know the catherine wheel and rockets and stuff. Sparklers and bangers were just the opening act. My Dad went all primal with the fire side of things and it was truly terrifying watching him ignore all the safety rules, but he remains intact so his dangerman approach did no harm in the long run I guess.

If you're celebrating Diwali I hope you have a wonderful time. I'll be telling my boy all about it and hoping he's as excited as we used to be about it all. I know he's going to love the food, the lights and the presents.

In that - at least - he's proper indian :o)