It's good to talk

I've had many interesting conversations with Brown Bear over the years. Some have been plain hilarious and others heartbreaking. Sometimes it's difficult to remember he's only 6 years old when his vision of the world is so inspiring. Take for example this snippet from a recent conversation we had. The boys have been putting toys up their shirts in imitation of the pregnant mums at school and nursery. I don't have a problem with it at all, but my mum did comment that she didn't understand why they were doing it. Then I had an interesting exchange with Brown Bear when we were talking about how he's grown taller, but his waist is still slim.

Brown Bear: I will get fat when I'm older though.

Me: You might not get fat sweetheart. What makes you think that ?

BB: After I have a baby I will get fat.

Me: Well boys don't have babies. That might change, but at the moment it's girls or women who have babies.

BB: So what happens when a man marries a man and they want to have a baby ?

Me: Well they can ask a woman they know to have a baby for them.

BB: Or if it's two ladies who are married they can have a baby.

Me: Yes they can. The other way they could have a baby is to adopt. Like we did with Blue Bear.

BB: Oh yes. He didn't grow in your tummy like I did.

Me: That's right. He is in our family now though.

BB: And you and Daddy are his parents.

Me: And it doesn't matter that he didn't start off with us does it ?

BB: It doesn't Mummy.

I think he's a pretty wise boy.

In case you missed our chat about adoption on the Listening Project have a listen here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08ns2ly

Siblings wanted - preferably twins (a wish from my son)

Will you be my brother ?

This afternoon my boy said he wanted another swing. He has one in the garden already that Grandma gave him when he was little. It's one of those that adjusts to suit a growing child and he loves it. He wasn't asking me to replace it, but to get an additional one, "for my sister or brother." I smiled and said we'd see. Later at bedtime I asked him about his request and he said he'd like a sister called Topsy - he is obsessed with twins and especially Topsy and Tim from Cbeebies. He also said we could get bunk beds like the ones we had on holiday at Coombe Mill in the summer. I gave him an extra big squeeze and said goodnight.

When I went downstairs I was not in a good way. I get clumsy when I'm upset or angry and I was dropping things and just a bit disoriented. You see he is not an only child out of choice. We would love to have more children. It is our sincerest wish for him to have a sibling if not more than one. We tried from when he was a few months old. I fell pregnant when he was two, but it was not to be. Then we decided to go ahead with our second attempt at adoption. As he is almost 4 he was also involved in this process and the social worker talked to him about his expectations. He became excited at all this talk of a brother or sister - not a baby, but another playmate and someone to even the odds in the house. If he had an ally he'd stand a better chance of outwitting his parents. The cat is a great pal, but he's no good in an argument.

Then it all went quiet. He hasn't seen the social worker for months and there has been no further news about a brother or sister. He's at a new nursery where his classmates have older siblings and baby siblings and he notices. His teacher has said - more than once - that his inability to share may be because he doesn't have anyone to share with at home. It's not exactly subtle. It's not his fault - he does try and he is lovely with younger children. When we went for a swimming lesson the other day one of the other children had their baby sibling there too. While he waited for all the other children to get dressed my boy stood at the side of the pram looking at the baby inside. He caught me watching him and I smiled at him, he didn't smile back.

It's ok little buddy, I'll be your brother

I feel sad for my boy because he would dearly love not to be an only child. He has no cousins and is always around adults - apart from at school of course. His speech is amazing, he is entertaining and amusing, but he really wants some company from his own peer group. I wish there was a simple way to make this all better. To say. "yes son, you will have a sister and she will be here soon." It may not happen, but I do hope it does.

My boy will be a great big brother. He's already told me he will share his toys, look after the new family member and show them how to take care of the cat. If these aren't great reason to join us, I can't think of any better ones.

International Blog Swap Day: Guest post by Twinkle in the eye

As part of International Blog Swap Day I am delighted to host a guest post by fellow blogger Bree Katsamangos. I am blown away that she has found time to take part considering she gave birth so recently and she is also kindly hosting a guest post by me over on her fabulous blog Twinkle in the eye. Pop over and have a look :)

There are few television shows I am committed to. Actually, there is just one. It is the UK series of One Born Every Minute. Come Wednesday evening at 8.30pm I head to the bedroom and set myself up to watch an hour of what my husband calls 'exploding vaginas'. Seeing his children born is enough for him, for me I'm addicted. There is something primal and powerful about women giving birth and without fail I shed a tear as each piece of humanity enters the world full of light and potential.

Having given birth a week ago to this little piece of perfection and still bearing the scars, the aches and pains I think I will watch this week with mixed emotions and possibly a sweaty brow. It was not an easy birth, it took twice as long as my first and the word 'harrowing' keeps coming to mind. The women in my family don't birth well, but we do make gorgeous babies.

Women are tremendous creatures, our bodies are miracle makers, built to give life, to feed and nurture. Our bodies tell a story, each in their own unique way. The challenge and triumph of this birth taught me not to resent my body, but to celebrate it. I am not looking at its new softness as something to be conquered but as something to cherish. It is a reminder, that I and all womanhood possess a unique power, that not only applies to pregnancy and birth, but to all of life and its challenges. If we can do this, we can do anything, our potential is limitless.

How do you conceptualise birth? Is the experience or idea of birth empowering or does it evoke something different in you?

Bree blogs at Twinkle in the Eye. Bree is a compulsive dabbler, she is generally well grounded but is prone to flights of fancy. Bree blogs about motherhood, food, politics and whatever strikes her as amusing. You can read more of Bree's blog here.

Attachment parenting: I swear by it.

I'm not going to get into it about the Peaches vs Hopkins TV 'debate' on attachment parenting. I didn't follow it and neither woman is a parenting role model I'm about to emulate. I am all for attachment though and was listening to Oliver James talking about lovebombing on Radio 4 yesterday afternoon. As a result today has been spent loafing around and doing as little or as much as my toddler wants to do. You see I like the idea of responding to what my child is interested in, but I'm not about to advocate my skills as a parent above anyone else's. I'm doing my best and I sometimes over-do it or get it wrong. Mostly I am just glad that he's a happy child and that he loves us. 

If anything I've probably been over-attached. I never left my son alone at all when he was first born. I would shower while Hubbie was home either in the evening or stupidly early in the morning. I honestly thought that if I left my baby for longer than it takes to make a cup of tea he was going to roll over (which he'd never done) or stop breathing (he's still here).  Of course I do still check on him - old habits and all that - but now I stay in bed rather than shower at 6am. That's hardly tiger mama behaviour is it ? 

As he's a toddler now I do go and shower and leave him to his own devices (watching telly, creating a 'traffic jam' with his toy cars or playing with the hands free soap dispenser if I've forgotten to put it high up) for around 5-10 minutes. I do have to keep calling every 30 seconds to check he's still in the house though as he can't be trusted not to open the door if someone knocks. Grandma was babysitting on Halloween night and as she is quite hard of hearing he heard the door knock and went to answer it - only to be confronted with two rather terrifying teenage boys in masks. They didn't get any sweets, but the boy got a proper scare !!

The other night Hubbie opened a belated birthday card he'd received that had been sent to the wrong house with the wrong age on it. He affectionately called the sender a nob - supposedly out of earshot of our boy - only for the boy to start saying 'nob, nob, nob, nob' in a sing song voice. I gave Hubbie my 'silly boy' head shake and he responded with, "actually, he may have heard that before in the car driving to football." I suppose it could be worse. I'm not sure how though.

Up until now my son's idea of bad language has been to point at me and say 'Oh. Dear.' forcefully as that is what he thinks swearing is. We're also working on discouraging the 'toilet talk' which he loves right now. As an example.
Me: "What did you do at nursery today little bear ?"
Toddler: "Bum Bum."
Me: "I don't think you did. What did you have for lunch ?"
Toddler: "Poo Poo."
Me: "Ok that's enough toilet talk for today."
Toddler: "Wee Wee."
Me: <sigh>

I'm not expecting a call from anyone asking me to share my parenting secrets any time soon. I am, however, expecting to be embarrassed by my son's vocabulary some time in the near future. 

When If he calls Santa a Nob Poo Poo I'll look around pretending he's not with me, but that's when all my attachment parenting will come back and bite me in the 'bum bum.'

It was a rough afternoon on Walton's mountain

I was Facebook chatting with a friend the other day who has 4 children, half of them young twins. As the oldest of 4 children I used to think it would be nice to have that many. However, there are times when I am so overwhelmed by one toddler that I can't imagine what state I'd be in if I was outnumbered like that. I was commenting on how well my friend seemed to be doing with her brood as she had posted lovely pics of her beautiful babies. This was enough proof for me to surmise that she is coping admirably with the transition from two to four kids, but she tells me it's mostly crowd control.

Now I can definitely identify with this sense of being in the eye of a tornado and having little idea what's coming next. What I hadn't appreciated was that I respond in ways that my boy is now reflecting back to me. In the last week he has uttered the words:

• "That's nonsense"
• "Pack it in"
• "No, no, no."

      and the other day he said: 

• "Ridiculous"

Now I know he got the last one from the Archers which was on in the car at the time, but the other stuff was all from me. Even though I have no recollection of saying any of those things, Hubbie assures me that I do. I tell the cat to pack it in when he's miaowing for food (which is often) so my son isn't even just copying what I say to him. This would be less worrying if it weren't for the fact that during one of our particularly prolonged arguments the other day I caught myself throwing a plush* space rocket at him and heard myself say "if you don't put on your shoes / eat your dinner / stop throwing your toys all over the place (I can't accurately recall) I'm going to smash your face in."

Now if you have just taken a sharp inhale you're not alone. I did as well at the recollection of it. I don't advocate violence and I certainly don't countenance threats to anyone - least of all small children. I can only imagine I temporarily lost all sense of proportion and didn't realise what I was saying. Then it sent me into an insane train of thought about how I clearly don't deserve to have any more children as I'm just not good enough to cope with the one I already have. I won't tell the adoption people this of course as they might just take me seriously. Having spoken to a prospective adopter who had been told she had a miserable face and that might work against her I'm not taking any chances.

I do expect my karmic reward to be that my son will repeat my words at some highly inopportune moment, but at least I am now forewarned and waiting for it to happen. As he is in the 'hear it, say it, repeat it' phase of language I deserve all I get in return really.

However, I've also been working on forgiveness lately as I realised that being able to forgive is the root of keeping a level head. I am very hard on myself when I make a mistake and hold onto grudges and resentments from the past that really are best left there. My new approach is to forgive myself for getting things wrong and to let it go when things happen that would usually cause inappropriate rage.

Next phase is to stop making insane threats to my son.

I can't promise anything, but I'll try.


*plush fabric - I'm not making a comment on the decor