Is kindness hereditary ?

This week we had an email from the headteacher of my sons' school. In it he told us about the trip his family had taken to Romania during the last half term to deliver donated clothes to children living in poverty. We had given gloves, hats and clothes and the boys were delighted to see the photos of their donations being given. The headteacher was launching phase two of the support for the organisation in Romania and during assembly on Monday he had asked the children if they could give £2 for a child to have a Christmas meal. This must have really made an impact on Brown Bear. He came home and asked if it would be ok for him to give more. I said of course it would and what did he have in mind. "£10 would be good." I told him that was very generous, but it would mean he might not have enough money left to get a glow toy for the junior school disco tonight. He didn't even stop to consider the sacrifice and brightly announced, "It's ok I don't want a glow toy, I want to give all the money to Romania." I felt such a glow of pride.

I recall when we visited Waitrose on one occasion and our local food bank volunteers were there making an in person collection. I asked Brown Bear to take the list of required items and to read me and Blue Bear all the things on the list so we could put them in the trolley. We filled it up and also bought some cereal and milk that we had come to buy for ourselves. As we left the store I asked the boys to help load up the items for the food bank volunteers. They were so appreciative and thanked the boys who beamed and smiled at the gratitude. As we drove home they couldn't stop talking about how great it felt to give food to people who didn't have enough.

At the end of the last school year the boys went through their old shoes and we picked the ones that were in good condition, but no longer worn. We gave them to a charity that takes shoes overseas to children who need them. I explained that there are children who just don't have any shoes and we have so many that once we've used them and they don't fit any more they are still good enough for someone else who has none. They really took that on board and it seemed to give Brown Bear an appreciation of how different some children's lives are from his. He now asks if his shoes are going to be good enough for someone else to have once he outgrows them.

In January Hubbie and I are going to do a fundraising walk to raise funds for Help for Heroes. It's 20km and it's the first fundraiser we've done together since the Nuns Run we did for Barnardo's. At the time we didn't appreciate how wearing a synthetic habit and wimple would be extremely uncomfortable on a summer day. I'm hoping that this challenge being a 'winter walk' makes it a little less - well shall we say anti-social ? The boys are used to seeing us take part in charitable endeavours and also understand that we give to others as we are so fortunate ourselves.

This evening Brown Bear was sitting on his bed counting out the change in his Big Ben piggy bank. He worked out it was around £4 and I said I had another tin of change somewhere so we went through that one as well. He took great care to sort the coins into piles of different denominations and we made a note of the totals. In the end it came to just under £14. I said, "that is a lot more than you expected isn't it ?" He smiled and nodded. "Are you sure you want to give all of it ? Are you sure you don't want to keep some of it ?" There was no hesitation at all. "I want to give all of it to Romania. We have £14 and they don't."

On days when this parenting thing seems to be impossibly difficult and thankless I'm going to remind myself of how thoughful and selfless my son can be. I must be doing something right.

Some children you never forget

I've been thinking about some very special children recently.

In Romania:

Bobby the Roma child who was in the street one night when a woman I know asked him if he'd eaten and when he said he and his sisters and brothers had no food at home she gave him some money. As she went about her shopping she was aware that he was carefully choosing bread, fruit and milk to feed his family. She came outside to find Bobby waiting there and she asked why he hadn't gone home yet - he held out his hand to her. "I had to give you your change."

The three Romanian children who had seen their youngest sibling killed in an institution from which they were adopted. The family who adopted them decided to have them baptised and after the service they spoke for the first time about what had happened to their brother and disclosed that it had been a member of staff who had been responsible. When they were all in a cab going home to their adoptive family the oldest child told the social worker that they had had a lovely time and to thank the kind people for taking care of them. They thought they were being sent back for speaking up about the murder.

Gaby who was adopted at 18 months and her adopted parents thought she had no memories of the orphanage until they took her to visit the children's centre. As soon as she saw the white tiled floor she began screaming and fitting as she thought it was the orphanage and she was being taken back there. Her parents never took here there again.

In Sierra Leone: 

The boy who witnessed his entire family being macheted to death by rebels who left him for dead in a pool of his own blood. He was rescued barely alive and now has gouges in his back where they hacked at his body too. He is a humble, quiet young man who bears no malice towards those who left him orphaned and who is making a future for himself without any family at all.

Visiting a refugee camp where children came up to tell us they had been soldiers. They were now going to school and being fed and were no longer given drugs or abused in order to get them to take orders from young men no older than them. A child aged no more than ten who could assemble an automatic weapon in the time it takes to boil a kettle.

In the UK:

The boy who came to school in dirty and smelly clothes and unfed most days. Teachers would bring clothes for him and his siblings to wear and soap for them to wash with at school as well as bringing in food for them to eat - this was before breakfast clubs in schools were in existence.

The three children who we were asked to consider for adoption. Twins under a year old and a sister aged 2 and a half who had learning difficulties. I still lose sleep worrying about whether they were split up in order to find a suitable family for all of them.

All of these children are real. They have all left an impression on me and I still think about them. Not every day, but sometimes the feelings I had when I met them come flooding back. I have met a lot of children whose lives have been difficult. Children who have seen more pain and violence than anyone should ever see. Some make it through and grow to become adults who don't let the pain of their early lives define them. Some don't make it.

When I think about them I hope that they are living happy lives and that they are loved.