Monday, 18 March 2019

Carry on regardless...

I've written about that Sunday 'back to school' feeling before. The dullness that strikes around 6pm when you realise that Monday is not far away and the working / school week will begin again. Last night Brown Bear was lying next to me as I was resting after another tiring weekend and he said, "Mum you look exhausted." I smiled and laughed, "Yes. Yes I am." It was spot on and the fact that my 8 year old pointed it out to me was telling. We took the boys to my Mum's house early on Sunday morning to drop them off while me and Hubbie took part in a half marathon. It was tiring and much more difficult than I had expected. I trained for the last one I did in October. I haven't been able to train as much for this one for so many reasons. It was touch and go whether I would do this one - even as late as Friday I wasn't sure. Last weekend I took part in an event that involved walking in the Peak District. I signed up to do it without fully appreciating how much it would take out of me so close to a half marathon.

Every time I finish a challenge I say, "that's it for now. I'm not doing any more." Then something else comes up and I take that on too. This time I have to be a bit stronger about saying no. I am practising that the most this year. Taking care not to overcommit. Stopping myself from doing more than I can manage. I went to work today despite feeling peaky. I get in early and I wasn't entirely convinced it wasn't just the early hour that was making me feel a bit grim. By ten o'clock it was clear to me I had to come home. The drive wasn't fun with a pain behind my eyes that has been persistent for over a week now. I put it down to stress. 

This is in my hands now. I can choose not to do things that stress me out. I can choose not to have conversations, to see people or to take part in things that I think will have a negative effect on me. It's been a long road to learn to do this, but like most things it just takes repetition in order to become a habit. Equally doing more of what makes me happy requires commitment and the ability to prioritise what matters most. 

That bit of time that I spend with my boys one to one just asking how they are and listening to the answers. 

Making time for a hug. With my sons, with Hubbie, with a friend, with the cat. Hugs are magic. It's the easiest way to share love with someone and costs absolutely nothing. 

I popped my head round the door of their bedroom this morning and they were both on the top bunk of the bed laughing and playing a game. I never expected we'd get to this even a few months ago when they were still arguing about every little thing. 

Going outside even just for a few minutes to look up at the sky and to close my eyes and breathe in the day. Even if it's raining or cold it's worth doing this. Feeling nature in all its forms. 

Listening to music I love - often the same song over and over again. It's like a form of meditation and sometimes even therapy. 

So, now I'm going to give myself the gift of sleep. It may be broken and I'll probably wake up a few times, but I have to try. 

Night night. 

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