Then today something shifted. I woke up and looked at the clock and the house was quiet. No miaowing, no kids arguing, nowhere to get to at silly o'clock. So I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Until eventually the boys woke up and the day began - about two hours later than normal - bliss.
We went for a swim, we had a pub lunch and this afternoon we watched Back to the Future - I think it's important to give kids a good grounding in culture. As I sat on the sofa with the cat on one side of me and Brown Bear on the other I looked over to Blue Bear on the other sofa. It was a moment in time and one that I honestly haven't felt before. A day when it feels as though I've got it right. Not perfect, but right. My kids were happy, the cat was relaxed and I was sitting down and spending time with them all.
So much has happened that it doesn't quite feel real.
I'm still not quite there but sometimes I sleep on all of the bed - not just one side.
Remembering how much I enjoy my own company has been a revelation.
Letting go of expectations and realising I am capable and can do pretty much everything myself.
Travelling through the drama and pain and sadness and finding my inner warrior.
I have found my true friends and allies. The ones who are there at the worst of times. Who express no fear or judgement, just pure love and support.
Believing I can do anything - I honestly do. I didn't before, but when I think about where I was and where I am now it's like I've climbed a mountain already.
Accepting that not every day is going to be fun is ok. My kids are going to argue with me - that's normal. They are in a lot of pain and I am the one who is here and who is holding them through this.
So whatever happens I've got it.