The problem is that after she'd had this dig at me for not sitting on the side watching him swim - like all the other mums do - I was upset at what she'd said. It made me resentful. So when we got in the car instead of being reasonable I took it out on my son. This was unfair as I don't think he's done anything wrong and the teacher hadn't said he was being disruptive either when I asked her. I was cross with the woman who told me off and as a result I told off my son. We had a row. There were tears. It was horrible.
So I feel I've failed because surely in the rules of how to be a parent one of the first ones is that you are on your child's side ? If I'm not on his side and defending him then who is ? It's my job to defend him and to speak up for him and to show that I believe in him. I'm not saying that if he hits or spits or steals I'm going to give him praise and defend his actions. I mean when he's done something that I don't think is wrong I should defend him shouldn't I ? If I don't then whose side am I on ?
I'm the oldest child of four and when I was young my parents were quite strict. When I fell over they would tell me off for not being careful or for not looking after my bike - it did cost money after all. I had a bloody knee from falling over in the park once, as I limped home I was told off because my socks were ruined. When my younger siblings fell over or got hurt in my care I was accused of trying to kill them - I am not joking this really happened. The result is that I never felt that they were on my side.
The other day my son fell off a chair at my parents house. I checked to make sure he wasn't hurt and told him that he should be more careful. My parents looked at me with what I can only call ironic concern - they thought I was being too hard on him. I was. Did I mention he's only 3 ? What is wrong with me ?
I'm grateful to my parents for a lot of things. They taught me a lot of important values and they raised me. They are wonderful grandparents and love my son. They are on his side as much as they weren't on mine. Maybe that's why I feel like such a traitor for not being kinder to him when things happen. I know how it feels if you make a mistake and your parents are the first ones to point out how stupid you are. That's why I'm so hard on myself first - I'd rather not hear how I've let them down and how disappointed they are. So why do I hear their words coming out of my mouth to my beloved son ?I don't want my son to grow up thinking I am not on his side. I want him to know that I will defend him and stand up for him. When he's a grown man I want him to know I've always been proud of him. I will cheer his achievements and when things aren't going his way I'll be there to support and care for him or just to listen.
So why is this simple thing so difficult for me to get right ?
I'd feel very upset if someone said something to me like that, and I also wrongly take out my feelings on my children. If something is stressing me, if I'm worrying about something, then I am sharper and more impatient with them when it's nothing to do with them, which I hate. I also get frustrated if they manage to hurt themselves, particularly if I'm trying to do something else. It's me being cross at myself for not stopping it, but I turn it into being cross at them.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine you losing your temper Jen you are so calm and kind. I guess it happens to us all. I just feel like I do it all the time at the moment and he is too young to understand why.
DeleteHubbie is so much better at letting people's remarks go - I have to work on being more like that.
The fact your writing this and thinking this way makes you a good parent. A bad parent and all you have written wouldn't even of crossed their mind. You sound a lot like me in the way you deal with things, I have also taken things out on my children by being unreasonably sharp and tell them off for things that are just part of growing up! Ive also been so angry with myself after the event that Ive broken down in tears. It takes those kind of emotions and that thought process to strive to do better next time, and that's what makes you a good parent! We only tell them to be careful when they fall over because we love them, Im sure your son knows you are on his side anyway, and in many years time, when hes a parent too he will understand why you told him to be careful too!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind comments.
DeleteI know it all comes from a loving place, but I don't like to be unkind and he is so small I feel like a bully sometimes.
Great, honest post. It sounds like that woman in the swimming pool is the one with the issues, not you. Perhaps she's envious that your child is so at ease in the water. Anyway, you sound like you are doing your best and thinking about how to be the best parent you can me - your son will be grateful for that. The rest is human. Worthy #Blogogtheday. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to comment.
DeleteIt feels horrible when someone says something about my child - especially when as you say it seems to be her issue.
I never appreciated how much it takes to parent a toddler :o)
Well, it doesn't hurt children to learn that parents are imperfect and make mistakes. There's always room for an apology. (Sorry I was grumpy in the car. You didn't deserve it. I love you and think you are the best boy in the world etc.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, can you tell him some of the things you've said on here, about being proud of him and on his side at some point when you're not stressed? When you aren't feeling self conscious about saying it?
I always apologise when things have calmed down. I find it's important to resolve the issues with him and to make sure he knows how proud I am of him and how much I love him. That's why we have special time at the end of the day where we just have a catch up and go to sleep on a happy note.
DeleteThanks for reading the post and for commenting :o)
Gggaaahhh! I teach 3 year olds to swim. There is absolutely nothing a parent can do about a child's behaviour from a balcony but get stressed. Leave it to the teacher. She will cope. You are a much better mother from being fit and showing your child that swimming is a normal thing to do throughout your life. And backing off. And you are not alone with the "taking it out on others". I do it all the time and hate myself too x
ReplyDeleteThank you !!
DeleteI trust the teacher to get on with the lesson without my intervention and would rather he learned to listen to her than only respond to me getting involved.
We had agreed she was happy for me to swim while he had his lesson so it's no one else's business really.
I have to admire you patience teaching toddlers to swim !!
ah bless you. What an interfering woman. Odd your parents look at you like that when it sounds like they were harder on you - grandparents prerogative I guess. If it's any help that's what I tell my almost three year old when he falls off stuff. If he was hurt we would have big hugs instead, but I would rather he thought about what he did and not get hurt in the first place!
ReplyDeleteIf only we could stop our kids from getting hurt wouldn't that be great ?
DeleteI know he has to learn from his own mistakes, but I'm like any parent who worries about everything.
My parents were the same with me and just wanted to protect me from everything too. They are much more relaxed about my son which is great for him :o)
Thank you for reading and for your lovely comments :o)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteCame to your blog via Mumsnet, and wanted to say that I feel exactly the same way today. I reacted unnecessarily harshly to my two this morning whilst trying to get everything sortef before school. The guilt is horrible, but I can't even pick them up from school today because of work. I'm going to cuddle them and apologise to them tonight. And continue to try and keep my work stress away from the family.
Aw Sara bless you for taking the time to read and comment. It's impossible to be in a good mood all the time. I'm sure even the Dalai Lama has moments when he wants to tell someone to go away.
DeleteI find my son is very forgiving and making peace later is a great idea so you're not holding onto the feelings of guilt.
Thank you :o)
I can so identify with this. When I get stressy, I am too hard on Boy and hate myself afterwards. Grandparents too....I have lost count of the number of times I have stifled a scream when they have told me I am being "too hard" when they were the hardest task masters of all. At one extreme, my mom told me I was being too strict when I pointed out letting a 3 year old have control of the cooker lighter was a very bad idea (OK I may have shouted a little).
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think it's good on you to swim and I would try hard not to take the comments to heart. It may well be that the other woman has a shy retiring child or for what ever reason has issues, but that's really down to her and the teacher to resolve (I'm mother to a boy who was painfully shy). At the end of the day, children, like all people, have their own personalities and have to learn to get along.
I agree we should be there and "stick up" for our children....to be on their side, as you put it, and that (for me) means loving them for who they are, although not necessarily condoning all their actions. Some kids are naturally exhubriant, it's part of who they are, just as some kids are naturally shy....sure sometimes that exhubriance may need to be controlled, boundaries established, but don't beat yourself up over somebody's careless comments...she sounds a bit like the parenting equivalent of a backseat driver in any case.
The swimming situation has been resolved now - thankfully - as the teacher recommended the second class which has more energetic children in it and he's having lots of fun.
DeleteYou're right that all children are different and we have to be mindful of their individual needs. I guess it's just hard to hear someone say something about my child.
I totally relate to this, as I get stressed with my daughter when things like this happen, too, and then feel absolutely terrible. He knows you adore him, he knows you've got his back, but your concern for him can manifest itself as censure - for example, I tell me daughter off when she's about to do something that may harm her. Why that woman thought she had the right to approach you like that is beyond me - I'm not liking her at all!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much - it's a difficult balance to stop them getting hurt and not being overly harsh.
DeleteI'm having to learn to separate my emotions from the remarks people make to me. I do take things to heart far too much.
You're only human. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeletethank you - I will try :o)
DeleteI am SO sorry that this happened to you, from the extremely rude woman commenting on your son's behaviour to the way it made you feel. I can entirely empathise with this situation. I agree with the commenter above who said be kind to yourself - being a parent is really hard without added external pressures!
ReplyDeleteHonestly though, how rude was that woman! You should spend the next swimming lesson talking about her child and see how she likes it ;)
Thank you Vonnie. Thankfully it's half term now so I won't see her for a couple of weeks. I did find her rude and upsetting, but I'm not very good at dealing with these sorts of situations without getting upset or angry.
DeleteThe main thing now is that my boy knows he is not wrong and he is loved.
Not that it's a big help, but these things happen to everyone. I don't think it means you are not on his side, just that you are human. If you weren't on his side you would have told her she is right. You would have told your son off in front of everyone. You would have done other things, much harsher than having a raw in the car.
ReplyDeleteIt happens, we get upset and the kids get some of it. Or our partner. Or our parents. And when the kids have a bad day at school, we get some of it.
#MBPW