Don't mind me, I'm just losing my mind

So it started when I was swimming and I started to remember the things I've done wrong in all my previous jobs. I relived the bad feeling when I'd make mistakes and the resulting downturn in mood stayed with me long after I got out and dried off.

Then it was the random shouting for no reason at both long-suffering Hubbie and probably going to be scarred for life son. Ok, there is always a reason, but it's very rarely a good one.

Then I left my Oyster card somewhere and nearly lost my mind as I rummaged through my bag trying to find it. I always put it in the same place to make sure I never forget it so this was just baffling to me. Hubbie found it in the pocket of a jacket that I can't recall wearing this year. Nope, no idea.

Then I 'lost' my phone. Cue a day of running around trying to block it and panicking as I didn't have any of the addresses I needed for my day to go as planned. It had fallen out of my pocket onto the seat of a friend's car and as I peered in through the window I was relieved to have found it, but then worried that a passing opportunist thief would spot it too and it would be the cause of a break in. It wasn't and I got it back later - phew !

Then I was putting away shopping - admittedly in a rush - and in my haste I caught the bag that was sitting on the cooker top and everything went slow motion as I watched it fall off. I tried to catch the bag, failed and a large pot of mushroom sauce hit the ground - hard. On impact it shattered and went all over the floor, the cabinets, my legs... Well, to save time in the telling, it went everywhere.

Career woman

Sigh.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am stressed.

Well, actually that I am panicking about my new job. The one that I start tomorrow. After being a stay at home parent with my son for the majority of his 4 years on this Earth. It's taken me over a year to get this job and I was starting to become convinced that it was ageism that was preventing me from returning to the workplace. I think that may have been part of it - after all I was under 40 the last time I was working full time and I wasn't a parent then either. This time I've been sorting out childcare and after school planning and organising how I'll travel to all the different locations for meetings while also making sure the boy gets to school, then home again and fed. 

My boy has spiralled out of control this week which has added to my woes, but he has clearly fed off my anxiety. I've talked to him about my going back to work and how things will be different, but he will still be the most important consideration for me and Daddy. I've been saying reassuring things, but it's inevitable that there is some fear of change for all of us.

Then at the end of the week I was exhausted from all the effort and had reached the end of my tether. I could not handle his belligerence any more. A bad incident at his school and yet another withering look from his class teacher and I was done in. I got down to his level and explained.
" I have to go to work my darling. I can't be at home with you any more."
"Why not Mummy ?"
"Because it's too much. You're at school all day so you don't need me, but you aren't being very nice right now and I need to be somewhere else and doing something else."
"Why Mummy ?"
"I've had enough honey. This week my brain hurts. It's making me get everything wrong. I've lost my phone, I've lost my Oyster and I feel like I'm going mad."
He looked at me and then put his arms around me.
"Why didn't you tell me Mummy ?"
"What do you mean Sweetie ?"
"You can tell me when things are going wrong Mummy."
I paused to process what my 4 year old boy was saying.
"Ok I will."
He looked me in the eyes earnestly and held my face - now damp with tears - in his little hands,
"Do you promise Mummy ?"
"Yes darling, I promise."

Right, I'm off to pack my bag for my first day.

*sniff*

And what about me eh ?