It's been a really odd day today. it started off normal enough with all of us going swimming then for a change I took the boy shopping while Hubbie mowed the front garden and fired up his beloved barbecue for lunch. As we were coming home I got a call from Hubbie that there was a car in front of our drive so I'd have to park on the road. No big deal, but I was worried as I knew what this probably meant.
Our neighbours on both sides are lovely and we have a good relationship with them. On one side are a couple who were both widowed in that last few years and who have grown up children. The other side are an older couple who also have grown up kids and are retired. All of the neighbours have taken care of us, our cat and our son at some point and we've done the same for them. The older couple kind of 'adopted' our boy as a surrogate grandchild as theirs is almost 11 years old and they missed having a little child around.
Not long after we moved in I was talking to the retired chap and he told me he was being treated for cancer and was travelling to St Thomas' hospital for his chemotherapy. In between sessions he was still able to tend to his garden and play bowls with his wife and they went on holidays and we watered his plants. I recall one very hot Sunday afternoon last summer (not unlike today) when they called us over the fence to join them and their son and daughter-in-law for drinks. Our boy ran around having fun, we chilled out with them and it was just really lovely.
We found out later that the chemo had been unsuccessful and that his cancer had spread. Then at Christmas he was in hospital and since then he has been very seriously ill. All our son was aware of was the he was 'not well' and he would say that to us as an explanation for not having seen the man next door for a while. In the last few weeks his condition deteriorated and nurses and doctors became a regular fixture at their home.
Then today came the news we had been expecting, but dreading. The car across our drive was the undertakers who had arrived for 'the body' as he passed away this morning. We took the boy into the garden to play with his new den so that he wouldn't see what was going on. Hubbie and I bowed our heads in respect as he was taken away and both shed some tears for him and for his family's loss.
Then we went on with our day as normal, the barbecue we had planned went ahead as family members called in next door to visit our newly widowed neighbour. We put a card through the door to offer our condolences and later on watched Andy Murray in the men's final at Wimbledon. Our boy has now witnessed a piece of history as it happened.
The dilemma I have now is how do I tell my son what has happened ? What can I say to him that he will understand ? He drew a picture for our neighbour as I asked him to and came with me to post the card through the door, but he didn't ask why.
At some point he will wonder where his lovely, kind, playful surrogate grandparent is and I just don't know what I'm going to say.
This is my experience, I hope it helps! I have been very open and honest with e, it is the best way. We were advised to use the word died because the body doesn't work anymore, not gone away or gone to sleep. As those r things that we do, but we come back. There are books that can be read. She understands well. We talk about memories. I will be doing a memory book with her when able. It has amazed me how well she has understood. I answer any questions she has openly. She sees my emotion and we talk about that as well, and that feeling sad is ok.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps. X
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
DeleteI worry that he's too young to understand, but I think you're right and it's best to just be honest with him. He makes friends with people and makes associations with certain places and people so I guess my fear is that when he sees her he will ask where her husband is and it will be upsetting.
I'm going to look at the books out there as a few people have suggested ones they have used.
Thank you :o) xx
Really hard, but you need to be honest and tell him as simply and straightforwardly as possible. There's no point lying to him which may cause difficulties later on. In this specific situation there are some really good books available about death and dying which you might be able to find in the library to read to your toddler. Unfortunately, it may lead to all sorts of other questions and you do need to be sensitive about how you explain, but keep it simple and answer his questions.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and replying - I'm nervous about how he will react as he hasn't experienced losing a pet so it's the first loss and I want to be as honest as I can, but without causing upset or confusion.
DeleteAs you say it's going to lead to more questions which I have to prepare myself for.
Wow this parenting thing is harder than I realised !!
Thank you :o) xx
I agree with the other commenters - simple and honest. I am sorry you have lost someone who has been a lovely part of your life xxx
ReplyDeleteSo sad. I hate telling big man stuff like this but tell him the truth. He will take in what he can handle. We have been very honest with big man about his nana who is terminally ill. He doesn't fully appreciate the situation but he understands a lot. On Saturday I spent an hours ca journey fighting back the tears whilst he questioned me about my sisters friend who has motor neurones disease. I would love to keep him in a bubble but the only certainty in life is death so I figure you have to tell them about it xx
ReplyDelete