Something happened for the first time in our relationship the other day. I said to Hubbie this weekend words he's never heard before.
"I don't know what we're going to eat tonight. I haven't bought anything or thought about it." This from a woman who has the meal plan on the fridge and a shopping list planned meticulously around what we're eating on every day of the week.
Now if you're a randomer who flies by the seat of your pants on important issues like meal planning you won't get the significance of this. You see being organised is my raison d'etre. If I can't plan a meal, how on earth can I manage anything more complicated like dealing with a toddler's moods ?
On any given week I plan a radio show, the week's meals, my son's outfits, my lunches at work, the complex range of classes I go to in the evenings and ensure we don't run out of milk or bread. It's because of all these things that I run the daily risk of going to work on the train wearing 2 different shoes (best case scenario) or trousers that don't fit me and fall down as I run for the train (worst case scenario and yes this did actually happen to me).
I can only surmise that something is going wrong and it's now that I've done 3 weeks of anger management for parents that I have any idea what it might be:
1. I've returned to work and it is a stressful job
2. My boy is properly going through the terrible twos and it's very, very hard work
3. I'm trying to do too much (clean the house, go to work, plan and cook meals, exercise to lose weight) and there is only one of me
4. I'm just so bloody tired all the time
I feel broken into bits - tired in body and mind. The kind of tired you are when you're a new parent and you can barely function. I can't think straight and my normal levels of organisation and planning have all but gone. I am not someone who asks for help and I do not tell anyone when I am falling apart. I keep going. I keep trying to do everything. It's a mechanism I have developed over the years to stave off depression as you can't have time to feel depressed if you're busy can you ?
So I knew it had gone too far when this weekend after two days of being away from my boys I didn't actually want to spend time with them on the one day we had left together. Now I take my family time with Hubbie and my boy very seriously. When I'm not with them I ache from missing them so much - going to work is a great distraction as I can't think about not being with them if I'm busy. Feeling so upset that I don't want to be with them when they are right there is not a good sign.
We all have bad days. Being told that the boy has broken something or hit someone at nursery is pretty bad. Not caring about it is worse. I've been doing the anger management so that I can use coping mechanisms to deal with his tantrums and to stop me having a meltdown of my own. I love him, but I have to be clear about what is not ok to do and not lose my mind at every small transgression. Being upset because he's run out into the road is understandable, but yelling the house down because he's dropped a biscuit not so much.
So consider this post my public declaration of a cry for help. Since I started writing it I feel loads better just for saying it out loud. There is a lot more to say, but I'm going to bed early tonight to get some rest.
Only one more week of the course to go...