Say Hello (to work) and Wave Goodbye (to being a SAHM)

I'm going to miss nonsense like this

I'm going back to work next month after being at home with my boy for almost all of his first four years of life. Since I found out that I'll be working full time I've worried about a lot of things.

• whether my boy will be able to manage a longer day once he's going to breakfast club before school and creche after school 

• not being there to drop him off - Hubbie will be doing the morning school run

• how I'll cope with having to get up and commute again. I really hate commuting 

• whether or not I'll be able to get myself organised so that I have breakfast and lunch with me to stop me spending money on food 

• getting back from work in time to pick up my boy at the mercy of London Transport 

• having enough time to make a meal for us in the evening instead of just putting stuff in the microwave

• reducing the frequency that I swim from daily to whenever I can when I no longer have the whole day to fit it in

• will the house ever get cleaned when I'm working full time ? 

• how my boy will adapt to my working again instead of being 'his Mummy' for a living. 

I've been talking to the boy about my return to work for a while now - since before I was offered a job in fact. I told him Mummy would be going to work and he asked me why. I said it was because he is a big boy now and I can go to work in the day while he is at school. He was ok with that. In fact he seems to be excited about the prospect of going to breakfast club and creche and I have to accept that he might be looking forward to some 'mummy-free' time. Ouch !

 My boy's preferred job right now

It would appear that the only thing I haven't worried about is doing the actual job. Not because I'm so blasé that I think I will be fine, but I just haven't given it any thought yet. My lovely friend Soraya not only sent me the job advert, but helped me prepare for the interview and was pretty much holding my hand the whole day I was there (metaphorically speaking of course). She's been amazingly supportive and told me not to worry about childcare - these things work out she said - and today she asked me how I felt about the job. She knows the person who is doing the role at the moment and they are pretty impressive shoes to fill. I honestly don't know, but it's an area of work that I feel strongly about and that I believe I can make a contribution to. It's going to be challenging and interesting and terrifying all at the same time.

So for now I'm going to just worry about letting go of my current role as stay-at-home parent, because that's what this is. I'm reluctant to share the load with anyone - even Hubbie - because I've become so used to doing it myself. The dropping off, the picking up, the school meetings, the swimming lessons, the meal planning and preparation, the in-between shops for items that run out midweek and the weekday appointments for pet immunisations. The meticulous planning of every hour of every day to ensure nothing is missed and that I wring out as much as I can from the meagre 24 hours I've got.

I'll start thinking about my new role as a working parent later. When I've chosen what to wear for my first day. Worked out the best route to and from work. When I've packed my bag and managed to include everything I need for the whole day. When I've remembered what it feels like to wake up so early that it's still dark while I walk to the tram stop in the morning. When I look out of the window of the train or the office and see the world that I've been away from. When I have more conversations with adults in a day than with a 4 year old and when I make and finish a brew while it's still hot enough to call tea.

In short, when it feels real.

I can only hope it's this light when I leave the house