Wednesday 28 October 2015

All you need is love...

Don't make me choose

When it comes to people talking to me about adoption and specifically about Baby Boy there are a few topics that always come up. How long did it take ? Was it difficult ? Why adoption ? However, I'm most often asked one question and it's always preceded by an apology for bring 'too personal' or 'offensive' neither of which it is. All questions asked about adoption are pretty personal and it's only offensive if it's ignorant or judgemental - even then I'll do my best not to rise to it. I may not talk to you again, but I won't rise to it. How it's worded varies:

It's not the same is it ?

Obviously it's not natural at first ?

When did you realise you did ?

How long does it take ?

Did you know if you would ? 

What if you didn't ? 

The long and short of it is this - do I love baby boy as much as I love big boy ? 

I'm tempted to be flippant in my answer and present a list of pros and cons. 

  • My favourite child is the one who's cutest - except they're both gorgeous. 
  • I have a preference for the one who makes me laugh the most - they both make me cry with laughter. 
  • Maybe it's the one who annoys me least ? Well that's between two kinds of tantrum - one with words and one with loud screaming. Both drive me equally mad. 

Ok. So think about it this way. If you have more than one child you probably had a moment when you worried that you couldn't love another baby as much as your precious first born. Then there was the new child and you found plenty of love for them too. The human heart has an infinite capacity for love - if we let it. 

What's not to love ? 

I knew I'd love baby boy when I saw his photo almost a year ago. When we met him in person I couldn't bring myself to get too close in case he rejected me. The day before I'd said to Hubbie, "I know I'll love him, what if he doesn't love me ?" He smiled and said, "Of course he's going to love us." 

You see at first it really is a one way street. For some adopters it's that way for a long long time. In our case we adopted a young child so he has been able to form an attachment to us and I like to think he does indeed love us. At first though, he was crying for affection and comfort and pushing me away when I went to hold him or comfort him. It was heartbreaking. I'd pick him up and he'd throw his head back and kick me or hit me and I wanted to cry. I kept on giving him unconditional love and hoped that he would eventually accept me and want to be held. 

Then one day as I was holding him close to me his tiny arms went round my neck. I realised that this was something new and hadn't happened before and it made me see what had been missing between us - trust. I breathed a big sigh of relief and held him even closer. He had tested me and was willing to let me love him. 

When I'm asked about how I love my son I want to say, how do you explain how you love your children ? Is it logical ? Does it make any sense to you ? Do you have a method for understanding something so primal ? It's pretty simple to me really. He's my son. I love the bones of him and no matter how much he pushes me away I'm his mother and that isn't going to change.

Mind you I used to say that about the cat too. 

Cat and dog in loving harmony 


  1. I have two step children and I love them as much as my own, I have five children in total and love each and every one of them in different ways, they all have their good points and their not so good points, and they all know that no matter what they do I am still their mum and will stand by them. They bond well as a unit and the step kids fought/laughed.cried with the natural kids as only siblings can do.

  2. I am adopted. I think very small children know somehow that they have exerienced a trauma and you understood that he was frightened. Maybe he had to test you. Perhaps he was frightened of abandonment. Now he knows he can trust you and you persevered brilliantly.

    I think too there is a period of time with all parents and children when they build up a feeling of safety and trust between them.

    Try not to be too bothered by the daft questions. eople can be very insensitive. I have been asked many silly questions too.

    Best wishes for the future. You sound like a lovely person.

  3. You are his mother, end of. No other words needed. I'd like to adopt but my husband doesn't. Adopted children are a gift and as my Mum always told me, I was extra special as she was able to choose me. You've done a beautiful thing and I bet you reap the rewards.

  4. As a mother to two birth children and two adopted I love them all. One of my birth children pushes every button I have and has done since she was born. The joys always outweigh the struggles and the cuddles will mend any row.